Negotiating Social Relationships after Stillbirth

[Galee]

As I navigate life following the birth/death of my daughter, I am finding the hardest thing is to negotiate social relationships. Most of my friends have been wonderfully supportive and our friendships are strengthened for the experience. There are a few that are not. Trying to decide how to handle these is my one of my biggest challenge.

I have one friend whose comments are "let's ride bikes and hike like we used to". I want to believe it is well intentioned and it feels so inappropriate. There are a few people who have said NOTHING and act as though nothing happened so conversations take on a false, chipper tone. That just infuriates me. Mostly I try to let it go but it drains me and I just haven't had the energy to coach them into appropriate behavior. I have opted for withdrawal/avoidance instead. Recently, one such friend confronted me with a "what's wrong?" After deliberation I sent her an email stating what was wrong and how her responses affected me. That was 3 days ago and I have had no response from her. The message: it wasn't okay to be direct.

I am curious, how have others dealt with insensitive or unhelpful friends? What responses have you received? What has been helpful to you?

[Abigailsmommy]

Julia, First off let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter. Stillbirth or the loss of a child in any form is horrible. But I am also the mother of a stillborn daughter at 39 weeks so we are together on this. I don't know that I really have any helpful advice on this situation. I just think some people get it and some people never will. Tragedy like this really exposes people's true character and how they will respond to you or be there for you when you really need them. A lot of the time I think that people just do not know what to say period so they say nothing, I think they think if they mention her you will completely freak out. What people don't understand is that we really want to talk about our babies, it acknowledges the fact that they did exist and that they were born and they will be our child no matter what. I think friends that don't know what to say, if you approach them directly about how you feel or if they have said something (like the hiking thing) if they are truly your friend and care about your feelings they will not mind you telling them how you are feeling about something they said. This journey is long and can be rough, it is a lot of up and down and many different emotions and I know for myself I have found out who my real friends are and the family members that care enough to acknowledge my Abbi and I try to surround myself with these people. For me there is no other option-She is, was and will always be my daughter and if people cannot accept that or acknowledge her then I cannot be bothered with them. I know I have made so many friends here on the forum because these moms are truly the only people that will ever understand how I am feeling with the exception of my husband and our 1 living son who is 9.

Hang in there
Jenni

[Jaydensmom]

Well, I for one have taken on the avoidance / withdrawal response. So I fear I am not the right one for advice. Just wanted to say that I have lost friendships this past year over it. Its ok, because I feel like if they were that shallow, then I really don't need the friendships anyway. I am unable to carry on relationships that are shallow and have no depth. I just don't have the energy. You've worded it really well. All I know is that if a relationship drains me, it sends me deeper into a hole that I want out of. The only way out is through loving support of those around us. So I have chosen to only keep those around me who are able to support me - no matter what kind of day I am having. No helpful words here, just ... I understand, and I am sorry.

[Valerie'sMomma]

I too try to surround myself with only supportive friends and relatives. The other relationships are to trying and I don't have time to fake it for their convience. I lost a real person who will forever be my daughter. If they can't understand that then they have a lot of growing up to do.

I found out who were my true friends through this tragedy. I am proud to call them my friends. I do try to do things I used to do, but mostly I have become a homebody. I prefer to be in a supportive environment, where I am comfortable. I find that I also hang out with my family more and I cherish the time we do spend together.

I think it is just the nature of the beast called grief. I hope you find the road that best suits you.

[cartersmomanddad]

I am probably on a complete other end of the spectrum...My philosophy is if you don't want to hear about Carter...to dang bad! Don't come around me and I don't need you anyway. I think about my son being dead every second of every day so if it makes someone else think about him for three seconds of their lives I couldn't care less if it bugs them to hear it! I have been surrounded by some people who love and support me through this and for those who "don't know what to say" or just don't say anything I just don't deal with them. I have a friend who also asked me once why I was sad. I could have killed her! Mostly, I talk to you girls! There is not anyone else in the world that I can just say "I want to give up today" and you'll know exactly what I mean. Hugs to you my friend!

[Galee]

Thank you all for your comments. Sometimes I think I must be the go-to person for my friends and a few of them just don't know how to reciprocate. It feels uncomfortable to let the friendships go and not healthy to keep them either. There are just a few too many growth opportunities from this whole experience!

After I posted my original comments I remembered an interaction with my neighbor's son. He is only 3 yrs old. We were sitting on our front porch and he was walking on the sidewalk across the street with his dad. He spontaneously shouted across the street, "Your baby died!". His dad looked like he wanted to crawl under a bush. I loved it and started laughing. I thought, that's what everyone must think when they walk by our house and only the 3 yr old has the guts to say it. If only everyone could be so honest with their thoughts.

[cartersmomanddad]

That is super funny. I would have laughed too! I think the world would be a better place if people weren't so wrapped up in the fear of dealing with death and would actually reach out an loving arm to those in need.

[Mallorie's Mom]

Let me start off by saying I am sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. The loss of a child is overwhelming and I cry when reading or hearing of anyone's story. I'm a bit sensitive, emotional and months into the grieving process. I was just talking to my sister/bro-in-law yesterday who lost my niece to SIDS in 2003. I was asking for the same advice....people say things ("are you guys done crying yet?", or say "you can have another baby", or simply saying NOTHING to acknowledge the birth/death of our baby girl, Mallorie). I am probably the wrong person to answer this question because I am wonderful at the withdrawal/avoidance but have come to a point where I will no longer sit back...I bark back. I probably anger those that I am talking with but they have to understand they are hurting me just the same in their words or by not saying anything. Barking back makes me feel better and right now I am going to be selfish and will no longer sit back and take the rude remarks of others. The various stages of grief are such a roller coaster. My advice to you...do what makes you feel better. This is a time for you to be selfish and take care of yourself. As for those friendships where nothing is said to acknowledge the loss of your daughter...decide if that friendship is worth salvaging or not. My guess is that friends/family don't want to hurt your feelings by bringing up the loss of your daughter however they need to be educated on how to respond to somebody who has lost a child. Friends/family need to understand they are hurting you ten times more by not mentioning your daughter's name, talking about the birth/death, remembering her, asking to see pictures, or asking how you are doing.