how dad's grieve

[izzysmommy]

i guess i'm trying to understand how my husband is grieving. i read somewhere early in this journey that you have to be okay with how your spouse grieves, because it will probably be different than how you think it "should" be. that has been a huge help, but i still have a hard time grasping the concept. for him, he is ready to not talk about our daughter any more. i know he thinks of her everyday, but he is also ready to take down the pictures we have of her. i on the other hand want to wallpaper all of the walls in the house with pictures of her and could talk about her non-stop and be just fine.
the night before thanksgiving i had a hard time falling asleep (which i often do) and when he asked why i told him because i was thinking about the baby. he got crabby with me, and it didn't really get any better throughout the day. so i chalked it up as him struggling through the holiday. before she was even born we had already planned to take her to see his extended family and show her off...so thursday was hard. as the weekend went on he did open up about her and our hurt to some of the family..and now things feel like they're back to "normal." but it still feels like he only tolerates it when i talk about the baby. i'm trying to respect his grieving process and i know he's trying to do the same...but i'm waiting for the day he askes to take the pictures down, or he askes to not talk about her anymore..and i don't think i can do either.

i guess i just want to hear that things like this are similar to other people.

[Abigailsmommy]

Beccah, Men are just SO OPPOSITE from us. We wear our feelings on our sleeves and we feel better when we talk things out. Men however want to stuff their feelings deep down inside and not discuss it. I think that most men are raised that way because that is how their fathers were raised too, they think that they are suppose to be the non-emotional strong one and I also think sometimes (from my personal experience) they do not talk about it because it hurts too much and we as women want to talk about it because that is healing for us. My husband went through a range of so many different emotions to almost complete breakdown around the 3rd or 4th month after we lost Abbi and in retrospect I look back and think how strong he was for me when it first happened and he had to get back to work just 2 weeks after we lost her and people just treat the fathers so differently. People at his work never asked him how he was only how I was doing (like he had not lost his child too) and they just expected for him to get over it. I think that society in whole portrays the Husband /Father to be the strong, non-emotional and can handle any and everything type but in reality I really think that we (women, Mothers) are stronger mentally and we know how to express our emotions and men most of the time just don't. I don't really know if this helps but I hope he will come around and open up to you more about how he is feeling

(((HUGS)))
Jenni

[momma to 2+ an angel]

I totoally started looking for apartments when Bob seemed to not care at all - I was so angry at him, truthfully, I think I was stuck between hating him and wishing I could change him to break down like I did.

It is so hard. It is the last thing you want to hear but keep letting it out and stop worrying about talking about your sweet baby - you love her and want to keep her in your heart and memories for all eternity because she lived in you - The men, I think it isn't easy for them to express it because they never felt the life, if you know what I mean.

I wish things were easier - I am so sorry, hon - xoxo

Lots of love.

Jenn

[Joshua'sMommy]

That is exactly me and my hubby. He does not like to talk about Josh at all but he understands that I want to. So he will "tolerate" me talking about Josh when I bring him up. Which is very very rare. Since I know that he does not want to talk about him, I try to respect his feelings and the way he copes. As he does the same for me. I know that if I really need to talk to my hubby about Josh I know that I can and he will respond. He'll let me cry on his shoulder if I need to and express the way I feel. He does not ever bring Josh up on his own though. I wish he did, but men will be men. (hugs to you!)

[Laine]

I am SO sorry that you are facing this right now. Jennifer's dad and I are not married, we were best friends in a relationship that we were both trying to figure out. But the friendship was always close beyond words. What I have learned here in the last 21wks is that men are very different creatures when it comes to this beast called grief. I was so angry and hurt that Chris wasn't acknowledging Jennifer that way that I expected him to. I felt that he owed that to her. I still feel that way 21wks later. He still doesn't talk about her but very rarely. I feel like with each day that passes that he shuts down more and more and I feel that he will forget her all together someday. The fathers that you find here are a rare breed of men. They are also great for the support, I posted in this section too, it may help to go back and read their responses to me. I KNOW that Chris loves our baby girl. I KNOW that he misses her. And I KNOW that he is hurting. He just doesn't show it the way that I feel like I need him to. As much as I know how he is typical of grieving fathers and different from grieving mothers and as much as I know what I know about his love for her, I also know that this is NOT going to change. He is not going to change just because it is what I need. I have had to accept that unless I want to be in a constant state of hurt and resentment towards him, then I need to find another place to direct those emotions. Now believe me, I have my days where I will go at him as if he took our baby from us. It is from the hurt, but I know that he loves her & misses her, I just wish there was some way we could mourn together. I can't keep fighting with him, so I have decided to take a proactive approach and try to keep his feelings in mind, but also to continue to do what I need.

Sadly, our relationship has ended completely with the loss of our sweet baby girl. Even the friendship which we both put so much time and trust in, seems to be lost forever. I can see how relationships/marriages end with the loss of a child. But be strong and take some time away for yourself if you need to. You will have to come to a point where you need to decide how to handle how he grieves. I am sure that he is much like Chris, and as much as it stinks, you have to find a way to accept what you can't change.

I am here for you 110%... I understand this in a way beyond what I thought I ever would.

Love & blessings,
Laine

[Austin's Momma]

I'm just going to share what I've learned from my husband~ He really doesn't need to open up like I do about his feelings. I know that he loves our little boy and would do anything to bring him back, and he doesn't want to talk about how much he misses him. I think our men want to be the protectors and in our cases, there's just nothing they can do and I'm sure it's been frustrating. They've had to watch us go through so much physical not to mention emotional pain and they just feel helpless, you know?

But about the pictures thing...I think you should let your husband know how important they are to you. You could ask him why he doesn't want them out. Maybe it's just too painful now and he'll feel better about displaying them later. I know my dad didn't want to look at pictures of my little sister (who passed away when she was 18) for a few months. Now, I can still tell that it's hard for him, but he can look at them with a little smile.

I guess men really are from Mars!

[izzysmommy]

i know my husband feels the same pain that i do, but you're ladies are right..he does NOT want to talk about it. and i know that men like to fix things and this is just un-fixable. he does know how important izzy's pictures are to me, which is why i think he hasn't asked to take them down yet. we're both trying to respect the other's feelings and he is there when i need him. had a mini break-down today which he handled great! i just wanted to make sure we were "normal".

again...ladies you are amazing, thank you!

beccah

[cartersmomanddad]

Beccah
My hubby is in a major funk right now. He actually was acting really weird last night and when I tried to talk to him about it and asked him if he doesn't like to talk about Carter his response was, I do like to talk about him, when I want to. It's so frustrating to me. He did say that he just feels like there is something missing (Carter) and that it will always feel that way. I asked him if he thought he needed to see our counselor and he said no. I asked him if he would like to start journaling, he said no again. All of those things are things that make me feel so much better, and they make him feel weird. Grief is such a strange animal. (((hugs))) and +++prayers+++ to you as you tread through this with your hubby. Please say prayers for me and mine too.

[PhotographyByBobby]

I think one thing to remember is that, even though us guys may not show it, we ARE grieving, just in our own way. We may not express it like our "better halves" (for those of us who have them) do, but we do feel the pain. We do feel the loss. We just deal with it differently.

[ca1211]

although we only lost Talon 3 weeks ago my boyfriend is already ready to not talk about Talon! the first week after we lost Talon he wanted to do nothing but talk about him and after the funeral it was like Talon was gone forever in his eyes!! he has only been with me once to see Talon where he is burried at he says he will take me whenever i want but he always finds a way to avoid it so i have to ask my mom to go with me

i think men think showing that they hurt is a sign of weakness im trying to let my boyfriend know that i dont care if he cries harder or more than i do it was his first son and child and the fact that he lost a child is reason enough to hurt!!

maybe sometime soon we will understand our men but until then we have to let them do it the way they want but if he does ask you to take the pictures down let him know your not ready to take them down and as long as he loves you and supports you i dont think he will care to keep them up

[izzysmommy]

i'm starting to figure out that my husband feels like he is failing at being what he thinks i need to get through this. so i'm trying to let him know that he is NOT. while we were at the hospital he was AMAZING, taking care of both me and izzy at different ends of the hospital, then he pretty much planned all of izzy's funeral, and the week following he went back to work, but made sure i was taken care of. so, even though now we do grieve differently, he is still pretty good about letting me grieve my way. occasionally he does get a little short with me, but he is HERE he is supportive, and HE LOVES ME. and i am GRATEFUL! so i won't complain anymore! :)

[Mullin987]

One thing about husbands is that they don't understand either way this happend to you and with this they don't know where to begin on what to tell you or how to help you. I think sometimes men feel as if they need to be the strong ones and be there for the wives and not show the sadness. My husband has been wonderful support but if I was looking for him to walk around talking about Cassandra all day long i would be disappointed. He doesn't do this and not because he wants things to go back to normal or ignore it even happened but because it is to hard to do so. Whatever I need, whatever he can do he is there for me and tries to do his best but husbands just don't know what to do themselves so they just try to keep it inside. I think sometimes if you are completely lost with your spouse it is important to get a book or find some articles on how men grieve in general as it is different then a woman and can be different from one man to another. Some show anger, some show sadness, and some seem as if nothing happened. I know it is difficult for my husband and I know he wishes she was here but he just does not know what to say or do because he is heartbroken also. One thing to also remember is that we, as the mothers who carried the babies inside of us, have a connection that our husbands will never have. We felt the baby, we grew the baby. I think sometimes that is the biggest disconnect from a mom to a dad. I sometimes wonder if my husband would of wanted at least that but I don't dare ask not because he would get mad but because I may of upset him because he never had the same connection I had with her in the time she was with us inside of me.

[Grueny]

There are certain things that are just engrained in men. The most basic of which: protect the family. The depth and approach of doing this varies from husband to husband, but it's still there. And as much as we in society like to bring up the whole men and women being equal ... we're not. In December we lost our son 23 weeks into the pregnancy. My wife was off work for 6 weeks. I was given three days. When I went back to work, the questions that were asked weren't for how was I doing, they were how my wife was doing, and telling me to make sure that she's okay.

But going back to the whole "protecting the family" idea. I know after we left the hospital that I probably seemed a bit disconnected from what had happened. I knew there was more to be done for Joseph, and if I broke down, that I couldn't get it done. So I blocked out the grief. I took care of all the arrangements with the funeral director. I really thought when I brought him home after being cremated, that the grief would hit me. It didn't. I was still blocking it. I didn't understand why until almost a month later. After me and my wife went to our first Share meeting, we both came home with a couple of books. One that I brought home were a collection of letters, compiled by a 11 year old girl who lost her brother when she was 4. it showed just how much she knew about what was going on and what had happened.

I had spent the last month working so hard to try to keep things as normal as possible for our 5 year old daughter. I wanted to protect her as much as possible from what had happened. But I realized after reading the book, she most likely knows a whole lot more than I realized. With the idea stripped from me that I still had a job to do in protecting her, there was nothing left to hold back the grief.

The things that help my wife through the grief are not the same things that help me through the grief. She feels a great connection to the items we brought home from the hospital. His blanket. His hat. His handprints and footprints that she felt push at her from the inside. These are her connection to him. She does not feel a great connection to his urn. On the other hand, the urn is what I connect to. I made the arrangements with the funeral director, I ordered the urn. I went and got him to bring him home. That is what I connect with.

So men are from Mars, women are from Venus continues to live on. What we connect with, what expectations society places on us, and when and how we will grieve continue to differ. It's frustrating for women who feel their husbands aren't connecting with them while they grieve. It's equally hard for men when it feels like they don't have a connection either. But we're all different. For better and for worse. In good times, and in bad. We plan our lives prepared for the better and the good. The worse and the bad are often what ends up defining us.