This is a very personal question

[Michelle D-S]

Because it is so personal, I completely understand if none of you want to answer… and I apologize in advance if I am asking the wrong way… I just need some advice, and truthfully – this is the only place I have to turn, and I am so grateful for it.

Here goes…

Have any of you – did any of you – seek counseling, after loosing your babies?

I have cut out ads in our local paper for grief counseling, and I have cut them out, and taped them to the fridge, but I have never called. Its been a year and a half since my miscarriage, and the wound is still very very fresh.

I have such a difficult time talking about this, that most of our relatives and friends don’t even know… So I guess I figure I won’t be able to talk to a stranger, either…

Any advice or suggestions you have would be most appreciated.

Thank you very much for your thoughts,

Michelle

[Kirk Kief]

I'm not a good one to respond to this question as someone that can say they fully understand your pain. Even though my wife and I also have experienced a miscarriage, it was a very early term episode, and it happened about two days after we found out that we were expecting.
However, do not be afraid to get whatever type of help that you feel you need. A counselor can do you a lot of good, and I would encourage you to seek it out. Just be sure to get one that you are comfortable with, and that has experience in the area that you need.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Michelle,
I thought I could handle Maddux's death on my own, and thought I was doing good. Little did I know that I was pushing so hard on the outside, that I wasn't doing any good on the inside. It is very easy in this world to put a smile on your face, and feel like your dying on the inside, and nobody knows it.

I strongly suggest that you seek this support. Go. Open mind, try a few sessions. You need to connect with others that share your pain...I think you will find lifelong friends...
I also think that what might be healing for you is to share your loss with those around you. October is National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. Consider sending a little note card out to those important to you, bringing the awareness to your loss...
If this interests you, I have some suggestions...Let me know...
I will be doing this in Honor of Maddux in October...
((((hugs))))
Cheryl

[Tammy]

Michelle~
Thank you for sharing your questions with us, I understand how difficult it can be. We are here for each other, no matter what. And we are here for you~
First let me say this... it never matters how much time has passed since our beautiful little angles have left us, we still hurt... we still miss them, we still think about them, we still so desperately want them back in our arms, we still love them, and we ALWAYS will.
You are right in saying counseling is such a personal choice~ personally, I did not seek it... to be honest, I found my counseling here. I know that sounds crazy, but for me, just knowing there are other people out there who have experienced the same heartbreak, and those wonderful people sharing their experiences helped me cope. And it's not to say that I would not seek counseling in the future, but for now, I feel ok with my choice.

For you, I'm not at all qualified to say one way or the other if counseling is right, but it is definately an option to you. In my personal opinion, the very best counselor (I think) would be one who has experienced a loss of a child themself.
That's not to say (and please don't mis- understand) one who has not experienced a loss is not "qualified" as I'm sure they are. For me, I would feel my emotions would be better understood~ talking with someone who has been there.
So how do you go about finding such a counselor? Unfortunately I don't know, other than asking questions~
I don't know if this helps you any, these are just my thoughts that I'm sharing with you.
Again I want to reassure you and even encourage you to ask the questions you have~ and please don't feel you ever need to apologize for asking those questions. OK? ((Hugs))

[Tammy]

WOW~ what a contrast. A prime example of how each one of us are so unique in how we deal with our personal experiences~ I am so grateful we can be diversative like this~ it's so helpful to see the entire spectrum~;)

[Sandy "Sam" Puc']

Michelle,
Most communities or Hospitals have support groups set up for parents who have suffered a loss. I would contact these groups and ask about counseling. If you were comfortable, I would also recommend that you attend a few meetings and talking to other parents. They may be able to recommend someone that they have worked with. I would be more comfortable with a personal referral from someone who shares my situation.

Sam

[Charlene Lopez]

Michelle,

I'm glad you find comfort on this forum and feel free to ask your most personal quesitons. I would encourage you to seek counseling also, if you aren't happy with it after a session or two you can always stop going.

My husband and I talked with a victims advocate with Arapahoe county simply because she was a good friend of my sister's and she was one of the few people to meet Daniel. She really helped us just by listening even though she hadn't had a similar loss, she was just a very compassionate person. Cheryl is so right that opening up to people around you, who love you may help a lot.

I also agree with what others have said that finding someone who has experienced a loss like ours is helpful. I went to a couple of "Compassionate Friends" meetings and they were easy to talk with. However, I found that only a small number of people lost an infant so they had memories of their children at different ages and I felt they didn't completely understand my loss. They are a wonderful organization though and maybe they would have some leads on councelors familiar with loosing and infant.

[Michelle D-S]

Wow, I was away for the weekend at a wedding…

I want to thank everyone who has replied with suggestions and experiences…

I thought that it might be easier to talk about – even with our family, once I was pregnant again, or better – once I had my own baby in my arms… Why I think this, though, I couldn’t tell you…

I guess I am hoping that once I do have a child, that losing my first one wont hurt as much… ?? Although I am sure I will never ever forget… Nor do I want to.

My tears flowed freely during the wedding when the little ring bearer walked down the isle looking absolutely terrified… I couldn’t help but wonder – that if my baby had survived, if he or she would have been a part of the ceremony… And then I wondered if I was being selfish, remembering my loss instead of just enjoying Mike’s cousin’s wedding…

I lit a candle for my baby before I left the Church, and I know that nobody knew why…

This may sound really stupid – but I don’t want people to think I am seeking sympathy, ?? by sharing with them what happened more than a year ago… Does that make sense?
Truth be told, I wouldn’t even know how to go about it now… At the time, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to answer their questions, and – well, I guess I still don’t – which is why I am not so sure I’d be a very good candidate for counseling.

I am curious as to what you have in mind though, Cheryl…

Thank you all again, for being there, for reading, for caring, and for helping. It really means a lot to me.

You are so right Cheryl, that it is somehow ‘easy’ – to put on a smile, to “get on with it” and pretend that I am not dying inside… And a lot of time lately, I seem to feel that I am.

But – the sun comes up every day… Everyone else goes about their business… And I have to go about mine, just like we all do. And – we all do, somehow, don’t we?

Thank you all again,

Michelle

[Cheryl Haggard]

Not really sure how I feel about this web site, but I thought I would go ahead and post it...

http://www.godslittleones.homestead.com/microplasticase.html

They make little replicas of babies at different gestational stages...

Michelle-I will email you...

[Jen Eagan]

I tried to get some counseling after Hannah died, but the guy was an idiot and wanted to talk more about my father than he did my baby so I never went back.

[Michelle D-S]

Jen, this is exactly the kind of thing that I am worried about!!!! Part of me feels as though I do need to talk to someone about it… But the other part knows I am not able to talk to just anyone… And I think it would be to wearing on me, to bounce from councilor to councilor… And I would probably be resentful if I had a bad experience… I just don’t know, if I should pursue it... I really just don’t know…

I think I have been very lucky to have this forum. In fact, I know I am. Because is the one place that I am guaranteed that you and everyone else knows exactly how I am feeling… And that alone, helps a great deal.

On another note, I am not sure how I feel about that website, or their ‘merchandise’ (?) {for lack of a better word} either… I don’t think I would want to purchase something like that myself…

But it certainly is good to know what is out there, and there is nothing wrong with sharing the information…

Thanks again, everyone,

Michelle

[Jennifer Turner]

Michelle, first of all I am SO sorry for your loss, I can not even imagine what you are going thru. In my "other life" I worked in the mental health field so I have a little insight from the "other side" and my recommendation is this...if you need to ask if you need counseliing, then you need it. All counseling is, is a way to learn how to cope, its not admitting you cant handle it or that you ahve "mental problems" it is simply a way to find out how to cope with a loss that you shouldn't have to know how to cope with in the first place. And the great thing is that with a counselor, you have someone who can help you with that and also let you talk candidly and openly about ANY feelinigs you may have. Friends and family members are hard to do that with because you worry the whole time if you are upsetting them or saying something that will hurt them...you need time dedicated soley to helping you heal. I would suggest a LCSW which is someone with a social work background. Many of them specialize so I would search for someone who specializes iin grief counseling. A social worker tends to be a more compassionate type of counselor (in my opinion, and I have worked with all of the different types) and they tend to approach therapy in a more..hmmm, how best to say it...a more sensitive way. All type of counselors have professional associations they belong to, for LCSW's its NASW and the link to find a counselor is http://search.socialworkers.org/default.asp?df=CSW&fn= you can even search by grief & bereavement. I would call a few people and tell them that you are looking for someone who specifically deal with child and infant loss and see who they recommend. Then meet with them for a consultation to see if you mix well or ask to have a consult on the phone for a while and see if you "click" with that person. The biggest thing is to give them a chance, therapy is rough, it gets worse before it gets better, but please believe me, it does help and it does get better...just takes time. I hope this helps, I always feel like sometimes I just need to know how to do something, so I hope maybe this gives you a few steps to begin the process. I myself went thru some pretty hard counseliing several years ago to deal with some childhood issues, it was a long time before I would tell anyone that because I didn't want them to look at me wierd...then I realized one day that EVERYONE should go to counseling at least once in their lives and it helped me to be able to talk about it more.

[Michelle D-S]

Wow. Jennifer – thank you very much.

For your insight, and your opinion, and your help.

I’ll try the link you posted, and maybe I will even be able to talk about it… Who knows…?

Thank you very very much,

Michelle

[Jennifer Turner]

You are more than welcome, I hope it helps :) And remember that we're all here to listen as well

[Cheryl Haggard]

http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/getcontent.aspx?cid=91570&WT.mc_id=NL54


Here is a post to a wonderful article, I think...

[Steve Vento]

Not sure if Iam in the right place for this information. I have had to deal with the loss of loved ones in the past myself. One of the resources that I have used is a very small yet powerfull book. This is a must for everyone to read:HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A LOVE. by Bloomfield, Colgrove & McWillams. I make a run at the used book stores and buy them up and give them away to friends etc.

[Michelle D-S]

Thank you Steve,

All helpful resources are good to have!

[amy]

Hi,

My name is Amy and I lost my daughter on May 27th. She was full term and born still with her cord around her neck. I went to my phycoligist and found it very healing for me. This way I could just talk and not need to explain, he just listened. The healing process is going to be always, but it is nice to know that what you are feeling is ok. I hope if you want to go, it works out for you and they are supportive of you and your needs. I wish you all the best.

amy

[Michelle D-S]

Thank you Amy, I am so very sorry to about your daughter.

Michelle