tinantravis
09-15-2006, 05:31 PM
Isaiah should be 3 months and 7 days old today.
I should be home with Isaiah and his big brother, Ethan, today.
I should be on maternity leave today and next 35 days.
One thing I've learned from our experience of losing Isaiah, is that hardly anyone says the right thing to the grieving parent. Many don't know what to say. My advice to those people: Don't say anything at all. Just hold me and give me permission to say what I need to say.
Returning back to school was one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I am a high school teacher and left school last spring with only seven days left of the school year....I left school to have a baby...
I did have a baby...his name was Isaiah. Isaiah passed away one hour after his birth...and I've returned to school to answer the question, "Aren't you suppose to be on maternity leave?" and "how is your baby?" and one of the most simple questions that has a loaded answer, "how was your summer?".
I was actually looking forward to returning to teaching because I was running out of things to keep my mind busy at home and I thought the students would be a nice change. At the same time, I wondered if I would be able to teach since Isaiah is on my mind all the time....what if I can't teach? The question scared me half to death. I was most fearful of seeing some of my last year students, the students who last saw me pregnant. Suprisingly, the students responded more sympathetically than the staff.
My fellow staff members, many of whom I am very close to, have continued to avoid me like the plague. I'm sure they are thinking, "Don't make the teacher who just lost her baby cry!" This has left me to feel abandoned, like I am putting on a facade. I have been forced to say Isaiah's name in conversation so they know I want to talk about him, but then the topic of discussion quickly changes to something school related. "Everyone else can talk about their families, but let's shield Tina the pain of talking about her family." I've told some of my closest co-workers that I want them to ask about him, hopefully someday they will ask.
I wasn't prepared for those who had no idea what happened at all. It was so awkward.
My students handled my situation much better. They did ask questions. They seemed empathetic. They wanted to know more. They asked to see pictures. They wanted to know more about triploidy. They returned after the first day to see me again even though I cried when they asked how my summer was.
The answer to my question about whether I would be able to teach became crystal clear: I can teach....in fact, I'm a better teacher.....I'm a different person. I'm a real person to my students.
They are helping me with my healing.
Other things are, however, not helping my healing. Let's start with....
My doctor: At my visit, she asked, "So, how is it being a mom of two?" UMMM...HELLO, you can't tell me many babies die in the small town of Menomonie--Let's just say that she's not my doctor anymore.
This week was really rough for me, but gave me the opportunity to confront some feelings. We went to visit some friends who just had a baby. Of course I held their new baby and thought I was okay until I got home and the waterworks started. What was especially tough was they were complaining about some of the difficulties he had at birth and I just wanted to say, "At least you have a baby...you have no idea how lucky you are!" The next day, my brother-in-law who announced he and his fiance were pregnant two days after we buried our son, called to tell us that they found out they are having a girl.
I spent that night with Isaiah....sleeping by him, talking to him, singing to him, and letting him know how much I needed him. And through all the tears, I felt some comfort. People say that God needed him and that he is in a better place....but I beg to differ. Nobody needs their baby more than his mother.
Some people say, "You're going to have rough days," and I think, "it's not just a rough day....it's a terrible, heart-wrenching part of my life."
Thank you to this forum for giving me permission to share.
Tina Denzer
Mother of Ethan, 20 months, and angel Isaiah (6-8-06)
I should be home with Isaiah and his big brother, Ethan, today.
I should be on maternity leave today and next 35 days.
One thing I've learned from our experience of losing Isaiah, is that hardly anyone says the right thing to the grieving parent. Many don't know what to say. My advice to those people: Don't say anything at all. Just hold me and give me permission to say what I need to say.
Returning back to school was one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I am a high school teacher and left school last spring with only seven days left of the school year....I left school to have a baby...
I did have a baby...his name was Isaiah. Isaiah passed away one hour after his birth...and I've returned to school to answer the question, "Aren't you suppose to be on maternity leave?" and "how is your baby?" and one of the most simple questions that has a loaded answer, "how was your summer?".
I was actually looking forward to returning to teaching because I was running out of things to keep my mind busy at home and I thought the students would be a nice change. At the same time, I wondered if I would be able to teach since Isaiah is on my mind all the time....what if I can't teach? The question scared me half to death. I was most fearful of seeing some of my last year students, the students who last saw me pregnant. Suprisingly, the students responded more sympathetically than the staff.
My fellow staff members, many of whom I am very close to, have continued to avoid me like the plague. I'm sure they are thinking, "Don't make the teacher who just lost her baby cry!" This has left me to feel abandoned, like I am putting on a facade. I have been forced to say Isaiah's name in conversation so they know I want to talk about him, but then the topic of discussion quickly changes to something school related. "Everyone else can talk about their families, but let's shield Tina the pain of talking about her family." I've told some of my closest co-workers that I want them to ask about him, hopefully someday they will ask.
I wasn't prepared for those who had no idea what happened at all. It was so awkward.
My students handled my situation much better. They did ask questions. They seemed empathetic. They wanted to know more. They asked to see pictures. They wanted to know more about triploidy. They returned after the first day to see me again even though I cried when they asked how my summer was.
The answer to my question about whether I would be able to teach became crystal clear: I can teach....in fact, I'm a better teacher.....I'm a different person. I'm a real person to my students.
They are helping me with my healing.
Other things are, however, not helping my healing. Let's start with....
My doctor: At my visit, she asked, "So, how is it being a mom of two?" UMMM...HELLO, you can't tell me many babies die in the small town of Menomonie--Let's just say that she's not my doctor anymore.
This week was really rough for me, but gave me the opportunity to confront some feelings. We went to visit some friends who just had a baby. Of course I held their new baby and thought I was okay until I got home and the waterworks started. What was especially tough was they were complaining about some of the difficulties he had at birth and I just wanted to say, "At least you have a baby...you have no idea how lucky you are!" The next day, my brother-in-law who announced he and his fiance were pregnant two days after we buried our son, called to tell us that they found out they are having a girl.
I spent that night with Isaiah....sleeping by him, talking to him, singing to him, and letting him know how much I needed him. And through all the tears, I felt some comfort. People say that God needed him and that he is in a better place....but I beg to differ. Nobody needs their baby more than his mother.
Some people say, "You're going to have rough days," and I think, "it's not just a rough day....it's a terrible, heart-wrenching part of my life."
Thank you to this forum for giving me permission to share.
Tina Denzer
Mother of Ethan, 20 months, and angel Isaiah (6-8-06)