melaniewhite
09-17-2006, 06:04 PM
It has taken me a while to get the courage up to allow myself to focus on my thoughts that I want to share. It was July 9th, 2006 when my life completely changed. This was the day that we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was already full term. I never expected any problems in my pregnancy. I never thought anything like this could happen to me. I have always been very health conscious during my pregnancies; I follow all the rules that are recommended. During my pregnancy, I didn’t even take the allowed over the counter medicines for colds, etc., out of fear that what if something bad could happen from taking them. It just isn’t supposed to happen & certainly not to me – this is what I thought. We already had 2 very healthy pregnancies resulting in two beautiful girls Hannah & Halle. Our precious baby girl Kendall Ann was born still on July 10th. She was so beautiful; she was 7 # 4 ounces and 20 inches long. According to the autopsy, she was healthy, my placenta, and cord was also strong & healthy. There are no good answers. My doctor explained it as a SIDs death in the womb. It has been the most traumatic and devastating experience of my life. I would have never believed one could experience so many heart retching struggles in two months. This isn’t to say it is over by any means. I feel the emotional pain every day. At first, I really questioned how I will be able to live with this pain. I now feel like I have made amazing progress. I think I have surprised myself. Besides being a mom, I am also a therapist. I have at one time said if anything ever happened to one of my children, I think I would end up on the very psychiatric ward that I work on. I have surprised myself. I am glad to say that I am starting to learn how to live with this sadness. Just yesterday, I and my other 2 daughters, decided to have our own party, because we figured Kendall is celebrating up in heaven. So we cranked the music and danced. I never thought I would be doing this upon losing a child.
I just want to say, I AM SO THANKFUL for the beautiful pictures taken by Sandra Rodgers through the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Organization. These pictures are all we have of Kendall. They are very, very precious to us. It’s strange to say, it’s painful to see her pictures as they bring reality to what we are missing, yet it is comforting to see her pictures. I have one larger picture framed and I call it my little window into heaven. I love to step into our dining room throughout the day to see her through this heavenly window. I so much want to be able to feel her soft skin again. And smell her. I can’t wait till we are all together in heaven. That will be the happiest time of my life. I can’t wait! Just thinking about this brings many tears to my eyes. Right now, we have decided that Kendall’s pictures need to be in our dining room, which we are not in unless, we make a deliberate effort to go into this room. It is still too painful to see her picture constantly. It has now been 2 months since Kendall was born still. I feel like I want to see her picture more. My husband does not feel this way yet.
I also just want to say that we feel a special connection with Sandra, who took these special pictures of Kendall. We think so much of her, to do this very special work. To be able to step up, in a very difficult time to help total strangers, have photographs to preserve her memory. She got to meet Kendall in person, not many people got to do this. I remember clearly how she had tears in her eyes right along side me. Sandra wasn’t afraid to share in our sadness. This means so much. I remember how she kindly helped me with Kendall to get great pictures of her. I remember so clearly, taking these pictures with Kendall. I remember the sadness I felt when trying to hold her precious little hand & realizing of course she cannot grasp back. I remember trying to hold her little hand with my thumb & her little hand just limply slid off. She truly was not here with me. As she was already up in heaven. That is what has gotten me this far, is knowing in my faith that she is happy & safe with our heavenly father. Sandra is one special earthly angel I will never forget. I thank Sandra so much & the organization of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, to help us cherish the short time we had with our daughter. Melanie
I just want to say, I AM SO THANKFUL for the beautiful pictures taken by Sandra Rodgers through the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Organization. These pictures are all we have of Kendall. They are very, very precious to us. It’s strange to say, it’s painful to see her pictures as they bring reality to what we are missing, yet it is comforting to see her pictures. I have one larger picture framed and I call it my little window into heaven. I love to step into our dining room throughout the day to see her through this heavenly window. I so much want to be able to feel her soft skin again. And smell her. I can’t wait till we are all together in heaven. That will be the happiest time of my life. I can’t wait! Just thinking about this brings many tears to my eyes. Right now, we have decided that Kendall’s pictures need to be in our dining room, which we are not in unless, we make a deliberate effort to go into this room. It is still too painful to see her picture constantly. It has now been 2 months since Kendall was born still. I feel like I want to see her picture more. My husband does not feel this way yet.
I also just want to say that we feel a special connection with Sandra, who took these special pictures of Kendall. We think so much of her, to do this very special work. To be able to step up, in a very difficult time to help total strangers, have photographs to preserve her memory. She got to meet Kendall in person, not many people got to do this. I remember clearly how she had tears in her eyes right along side me. Sandra wasn’t afraid to share in our sadness. This means so much. I remember how she kindly helped me with Kendall to get great pictures of her. I remember so clearly, taking these pictures with Kendall. I remember the sadness I felt when trying to hold her precious little hand & realizing of course she cannot grasp back. I remember trying to hold her little hand with my thumb & her little hand just limply slid off. She truly was not here with me. As she was already up in heaven. That is what has gotten me this far, is knowing in my faith that she is happy & safe with our heavenly father. Sandra is one special earthly angel I will never forget. I thank Sandra so much & the organization of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, to help us cherish the short time we had with our daughter. Melanie