Reminders...

[Cheryl Haggard]

Yes, Even I need a shoulder to cry on every now and then.
Thank you Tammy for letting me cry on yours this morning...:(

Ok, Maddux's story continues:

My son Chase will turn 13 in October. We moved him out of his bunkbeds that he has had since he was four, into a more 'grownup' bedroom set.
This was hard for me, and it still just stuns me that those around me, don't realize the importance and realization of this simple little task.

Maddux would be 20 months old. This furniture 'should' have been moved into his bedroom. He should be getting a 'big boy' bedroom set, too!
Instead, 'his' bedroom set was sold, and moved out of our home. Going to another little boy. Just not my little 'big' boy...
If Maddux were physically with us, there would be no questioning what we were doing with Chase's old furniture set...
I don't know what I expect or expected...I guess just alittle empathy from those around me. I am not looking for sympathy...Don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I still want people around me to know, that I still hurt. Every day is a reminder of what should have been. Days like yesterday, seeing his furniture on the back of someone else's truck, being taken to it's new home, this reminder just ripped my heart wide open.

I would be interested in hearing from other parents about these reminders...I know that it helps me greatly to have a place to go to and write down my feelings, vent my frustrations.
Thanks for listening (reading)
Cheryl

[Angie Bocquin]

Cheryl,

I cannot begin to imagine the pain you continue to feel. I am sure there are daily reminders but when something like this you had planned for happens I am sure it is devastating.

Like I said, I cannot tell you I know what you are feeling. Wish I could say you will feel better soon, but I cannot even do that. But...know that we are here for you and will listen (read) always and you will be in our thoughts and prayers-as always!

Take care of yourself~

Angie

[Rayna']

Cheryl,

I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain…..

I’ve had two miscarriages this year and anything to do with Winnie the Pooh reminds me of what I have lost. I had purchased Pooh bedding last Christmas when I was pregnant & in January had my first miscarriage. I went ahead & kept the bedding for when I got pregnant again. Surely it wouldn’t happen again, right?? Yep…I had my second miscarriage Sept 15. I had my husband donate the bedding this weekend. I just can’t get myself to use it if I am able to get pregnant again.
Also, I try not to cringe when I see another woman with a pregnant belly. I always think, “THAT’S SUPPOSE TO BE ME! I hope they know what a blessing it is to have that belly.”

[Tammy]

Cheryl,
Maddux must have been sending a message to me this morning. It was the strangest thing. I was just sitting here at my computer, when suddenly I felt I needed to call you.
I imagine Maddux saying, "My mommy is sad today, could you call her and try to make her feel better?" Well, maybe it wouldn't have been quite that clear... kids are so cute when they are just learning to speak, but you understand what I mean.
Like Angie said, I too, cannot know your pain, but I do understand about the small reminders and how the simplest things affect us and remind us again of what should have been. Things that other people over look or consider to be minute have such a powerful impact to a grieving parent. Having to let go of those things that should belong to our child is one of the most difficult things to do.
I have procrastinated for months about letting go of all the baby clothing and baby toys I have for Chase. It's something I need to do, but I can't just yet. I don't want to let go of those things yet. I can't explain why.
I hope I was able to make Maddux's mommy feel a little better today :o and I want her to know how special she is to all of us. Chase, Anna, Natalie and Maddux are so very lucky to have you as their mom~ I am lucky to have you as my friend. {{ hugs }}

With Love,
Tammy

[Cheryl Haggard]

Rayna,
Here is the idea for the tattoo, for your two little angels...
You can make their wings different colors, or halos...anything...
Just thought I would share...

[Catherine Colgan]

I think I understand. I have tubs and tubs of Sam's old clothes in the basement. I just can't seem to give them away.

I've got two dead sons in the cemetery...and all these hand-me-down clothes...and nobody to hand them down to.

Those tubs make me so sad.

But I can't give them away.

[Tasha Nicholls]

Cheryl,

I am so sorry that you had a bad day, yesterday. Of course you still need a shoulder to cry on occasionally... and we are all here to listen & support you however we can.

Unfortunately, sometimes those of us who haven't experienced such a profound loss in our lives are a little oblivious to the things that might reopen that deep wound and make the loss just as fresh as if it had been yesterday. It might not occur to us that when you say you're selling Chase's furniture, taking down the swingset, or whatever it is that you're doing that these things would've been passed on to Maddux. Mention it to us and of course we will realize the connection and that you are yearning for your little angel and grieving for what should have been.

You are absolutely right... we should realize the importance & significance of such "little" things. I wish we always did and were more sensitive to such things and didn't have to be reminded. (Because, obviously, the last thing you want to do is remind people... you want/need us to come to you and say we know you're having a rough day.)

I guess I am offering a meager apology on behalf of all of your friends... we want to be there for you, we're just a little dense sometimes. :(

I totally would've had a hard time with that if I were in your shoes, too. It's hard enough watching your kids outgrow things and move on to the next phase in life without having the added burden of being reminded of Maddux's death and what should've been.

Hopefully I've said things in the right way... my heart just aches for you. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now.

Tasha

[Cheryl Haggard]

Tasha,

I don't think I could ask for anything more than what you just said...

Just a shoulder to lean on during these times, an ear to hear me, and a heart to feel something of what I am feeling.

Thank you everybody...
Cheryl

[Sandy "Sam" Puc']

Awww...Cheryl, I am so sorry....
I have been away so long I feel like I am completely out of sorts. Funny though, I was sitting on the beach 2 days ago and reflecting on my life. Out of nowhere I started thinking about Maddux and then Daniel and then Matthew and all of the littleones that have become a part of my heart. As the waves rolled in and out and I watched the sun set, big tears rolled down my cheeks. I was surprised at my feelings as I thought I was so in control at this point. As I sat there, I started thinking about you. I finally smiled knowing that if you had the strength to do all that is required to keep NILMDTS going that I had better stop being a baby!
I wish now that I had called....But just know that someone was thinking about you....
Hugs!! See you soon!
Sam

[Deb Stoner]

Those little reminders of pain? Halloween is coming. Eli is 6 and crazy! He wants to be a green monster with a green face and green hair. He's trying to talk me into a play knife just for good measure. Halloween is his favorite holiday. He sits at the dinner table every night and tries to teach Gretchen to say "Trick or Treat!" It comes out "tea or tea!". She is 17 months. What fits Gretchen's personality? Gretta is calm and silly. She loves sparkles and jewelry. Eli and I picked out a little mini tutu and a jeweled wand that lights up. We had to hide it in the closet so she wouldn't wear the battery down before Halloween. She will enjoy her very first piece of candy during trick or treat. Marah would have been almost 3. I'm sure she would have had her share of candy by now. And she definately would have had an opinion on what she wanted to be. Would she be a princess like her little sister or a soccer player? Would she be my wild girl and want to dress like a rock star or a witch? Maybe Raggedy Anne? Would she keep up with her brother running from house to house or would she hang back and walk with us? I wanted her to be able to choose her costume this year, but someone else chose it for her. She will be the angel in white with pretty, fluttery wings zipping back and forth between Eli and her sister peaking to see what kind of candy they got and making sure we have a safe Halloween! All of us have those little reminders. Sometimes it hits us at the strangest times. (Like when I was in the store buying the wand for Gretchen.) Cheryl, I'm sorry Maddux's bed went to another little guy. I understand those kind of days.

[DeeDee Ortiz]

Sending BIG HUGS to you moms who have lost.

[Karla]

Cheryl, Deb and all of us...........
How life changes for us? I believe if anyone knows what goes on in my mind now they will send me off to an asylum. What is normal for us? Everyone expects us to move on as normal, what was before, physically they see no changes in our lives, so they think we are ok. Everyone who knew me for the last 13 years, before Cydney Paige, knew me with one child, they still physically see me with one child, but I have two!!! No acknowledgement of what one cannot see. Tasha, I understand that those of you who have not lost will never know of our hurts and pains, of the little things that could almost make us double over in pain, even if it were years after, but sometimes maybe most times, I know that my very dear friends look impatient, dismissive and almost seem to be asking "What now, more self pity?" I know everyone has lots on their plate, and does not have time to remember our special moments and days, what hurts us and what makes us sad, but it would sure help. Cheryl, I understand when you say we don't want sympathy, but empathy. However, I think that not many know that there is a difference between the two. I am mortified to think that one day I'll have to let go of Cydney Paige's things, the crib sheets I had sewn, the little green dress, her beach robe (she has two, dad and I bought), and you know we have lots of beaches here!, her blankets, and all the little things I carefully and thoughtfully bought for her. We did buy for her, her very own chest of drawers and it's neatly packed with all her things, please don't say that I'll have to take them out. Selling what should have been Maddux's bunkbed must have been tough, it scares me too, I can feel your pain, I know that i would have felt myself drowning, and gasping for air. I wish so much that you would not have to have days like this, but I know that you would, nothing will change that, I will go through it too. But your strength and courage will make it a little easier for me, I wish that there was some way I could reciprocate that for you. Maybe a little sunshine from Trinidad??? I know it has started snowing in Colorado already????:)

Love, hugs and lots of Warm sunshine from the Caribbean!!!!
Karla