I don't care...

[Cheryl Haggard]

Ok, here is another topic, that bites me...
As a grieving parent, when you know another pregnant mom or dad, and you say to them...What are you hoping for? A boy or a girl?
And their reply is " I don't care, as long as it's healthy..."
What do you say?
Just curious...

Here we are, and for some reason or another our babies aren't with us. Most were not healthy, some were very healthy and still aren't with us.
Do we love our children any less?
No!
I think we all have a better understanding and appreciation for the gift of this child we were given. Healthy or not. We were given the responsibility to be a parent to this baby. We are blessed.

Any other thoughts?????

[Sandra Rodgers]

Cheryl -

I'm pretty sure my caustic nature would have to respond something like -

"Really? After losing a child, I'd take even the most frail little gift from God."

Just my 2 cents.

Sandra

[Rayna']

Cheryl,

This is a good point to think about. To be honest, that is always what I’ve said to people every time I’ve been pregnant. I’ve never thought it would be an insensitive thing to say.

[Tammy]

I've answered in the same manner as Rayna'... but now I look at this question differently. Having lost a child has changed my perspective on many levels. I don't believe I would even ask this question to expecting parents anymore. Instead, I silently say a prayer for them that everything will be ok.

[HAINAngel2000]

Everytime I hear someone say that Cheryl my stomach turns. I agree with you 100%. Every baby born into this world no matter health, no matter looks, no matter what is a gift from God. All are brought here for a reason.Some of us have to wait to find out why our babies died before they had a chance at life outside of the womb. But all children are a gift from God!!
Thank you for this post!

[Cheryl Haggard]

I didn't mean this as an insensitive comment from the parents. Maybe I worded this wrong.
As a grieving parent, when you know another pregnant mom or dad, and you say to them...What are you hoping for? A boy or a girl?
And their reply is " I don't care, as long as it's healthy..."
What do you say?

Do you say, "And what if it's not healthy?" Then what...?

A very good friend of mine in Florida recently told me, that she doesn't look at pregnant women the same way anymore. She said that after seeing so many images and reading so many of the parents posts, every time she sees a pregnant woman now, she silently says a prayer for their unborn baby...

[Catherine Colgan]

I usually don't ask. But if I find myself in a situation where someone else has asked and the "as long as it's healthy" comment is made, I just smile sadly and say, "I hope you get your wish."

[Erica Stone]

When it was asked to me on many occasions this time I said, "I don't care - I'd just like to take this one home with me."

I hope I don't upset anyone by mentioning Matthew's new baby brother Thomas, but the completely different outcome of both of my pregnancies has changed me forever. Of course I wanted Matthew just as much as I wanted this baby (regardless of the boy/girl question), and I will never complain about a thing with Thomas. How can I when I was lucky enough to have everything turn out OK this time?

[Cheryl Haggard]

Erica,
I like that response...
I think you know how happy I am for you and Tom with your brand new baby, Thomas...You are truly blessed.

[Kirk Kief]

I like that response, Erica. Or, maybe something like "As long as it is something God loves"
Erica! I'm tickled to no end for you and your family! Thomas! That's a great name!

[Rayna']

Erica,

Congrats on having Thomas. I am very happy for you! When was he born?

[Tasha Nicholls]

Cheryl,

This is an interesting topic.

I also have been asked this on many occasions in the past and casually responded with, "I'd really like a girl, but I don't care as long as it's healthy" or something similar to that. Yet, all the while thinking in the back of my mind that of course I would love the baby even if it weren't healthy and "perfect" in the world's eyes. I think it's mostly a form of "knocking on wood" so to speak and hoping to avoid the unimaginable pain and heartache that you all have had to endure.

I think your point, though, was not what parents mean and their flippant attitude when they say it, but how to respond to it. I, too, have had my eyes opened up and perspective changed a bit from this site and think I'd respond differently now. I think I'd nod and say "Yeah, I hope so, too" or something like that while offering a silent prayer in my heart for their baby.

Dealing with NILMDTS has stripped away some of the naivety and the invinsible "it'll never happen to me or someone I love" attitude that I have had in the past. I know it can happen to anyone and I just pray for everyone I meet that they don't have to go through it. (And I pray for all those of you who do... )

Tasha

[Sandy "Sam" Puc']

I think when people say those words, "As long as it is healthy" it is meant as a hopeful prayer. Even parents who have never lost a child have fears that something may go wrong. By saying this, they are trying to be grateful for anything that God send their way.
Funny, I also say a prayer every time I see a pregnant woman. I pray that whatever happens during her pregnancy, that she will be given the strength to handle it and the understanding to appreciate all of the little things.
I never did that before NILMDTS. I also pray that we will never be called to see them.

[Jennifer Turner]

I agree with Sandy, I have said that myself and never in the sense that I would only be happy if the baby were healthy, but more in I dont care about something as unimportant as boy/girl, but more in the hopes that the baby is ok. They are asking 'what are you hoping for" and the normal response is "a healthy baby". That doesnt mean they wont accept one thats not, it just is any parents hope for their baby.

[Charlene Lopez]

When I was pregnant with Jasmine and people asked if I wanted a boy or girl, I also said "I just want one that I get to take home with me", but I aslo added that I was secretly wishing for a girl, since I already have a boy "Daniel", Jasmine's big brother in heaven.

Thomas is a great name Erica! Congratulations

[Erica Stone]

Thanks to all - Thomas is his father's name (and grandfather's and great-grandfather's... he's a 4th!) He was born August 17th, and the reason I haven't been able to be on the forum much, as you can imagine.

I don't think expecting parents want to consider the possibility that something COULD go wrong, even though it happens more than anyone talks about. You imagine that something being wrong is like hitting the lottery - a possibility, but not very likely. Any normal person wants the best outcome for their children, and a "healthy" baby is the best we can hope for.

[carissa13]

I just read this posting and felt the need to comment. I knew Jarell was going to pass away at my 20 week ultrassound. For the next 17 weeks I had so many people say to me, "are you having a boy or a girl?" When I would say I didn't know then they would push to say, "what are you hoping for?" I wanted to scream and say does it really matter to you? I hated that question, I would bite my tongue, smile and say, "I'm having a baby" and would walk away. There were days I wished I could just come out and say, "I wish my baby, that I carry each day was going to have life outside of my body." No one knew the heartache I felt each day or the joy I felt knowing I was blessed to have some time with Jarell. I will never, ever talk to a pregnant women the same way again because I know things are not always as they seem.

[jaiew]

i always said it didnt matter i just want healthy. i would have not loved Carey any less if he was healthy or sick, or even a girl. i too think its more of a prayer because in the back of my mind i never wanted to be in the position that im in now. i too found out at 20 weeks and i loved him so much every second or every day knowing that there was only a small chance of taking him home. if i were to have another child this time i will ask for one that is amazing. so no matter if he or she is sick or healthy the baby will be mine and that is all that matters to me. knowing how it turned out, no i wish this isnt how it would have turned out but i would not change having him for the world. i miss my little man

[carissa13]

I remember one day, sometime after we found out that Jarell would not live, my boyfriend said he would take a sick baby over lossing Jarell. Just meaning that he would take him any way he could get him, if it meant he would live.

[Jenn LeBlanc]

I have always been sensitive to statements people make, and when I was pregnant and asked this question, I would simply answer, a baby. I thought this was the most I could ask for, and held the most possibility.

It also tended to throw people off a bit so there weren't any more questions that might be too intrusive for me to handle.
Godspeed, Jenn