I wish I could feel different

[catherinedanae]

I struggle with how to start this, but just like people don't know what to say to me, or how to act; I don't know how to control how I feel when I see my sister-in-law and brother.

My pregnancy was unexpected, and I'm 21. JT was my first, and he was with me for two precious days.

But for the last part of my pregnancy, when I was trying to cope with my son wouldn't be here very long, I also had to deal with my brother and sister-in-laws harsh treatment with me. When I first told them, my s.i.l. said that my pregnancy was going to mar hers (because she herself is due at the end of summer) and not only pushed that I should give my baby up for adoption, she tried to convince my cousin (who is away at college) that I should do that. She said so many mean things, and avoided me. My brother sort of played two faces, asking how I was when he was around me, but telling others that I had basically messed up. Once my sil sent a sonogram picture of hers to my mom with "baby's perfect!" with it. My mom asked for her to please watch what she said which led to her flipping out that she shouldn't have to reign in her happiness.

I honestly could go on with the stories... and I apologize for how long this is already. but their opinion even rubbed off on a family friend who said to me the day after my JT went to heaven, "So we've learned from this mistake right?" I was honestly so shocked and hurt I couldn't reply. My son wasn't a mistake.

I don't know. I guess I'm writing for help.. For support. I see my pregnant sister-in-law, and I'm so jealous. I long to feel JT in me again or hear his little coo's. I'm just so afraid with how she's treated me that I am not going to be happy when their little bundle comes into the world. It hurts so bad.

johntruett.wordpress.com

[Abigailsmommy]

Catherine, everything you feel is so normal. Even if she was not being so mean to you you would still struggle with the emotions of them having a baby and yours not being here. I just do not understand how some people, especially family can have no compassion. They will never understand the emotions you are going through but you would think they could be a little nicer about it. I am so very sorry you are having to deal with that on top of missing JT...I guess right now my best advice would be to stay away from them for a little while if you can. You have your own emotions and grief you are dealing with so don't worry about anything else. What you are struggling through is a long journey full of ups and downs, try to surround yourself with supportive loving friends or family and if there are none available we are always here for you :)

[momma to 2+ an angel]

Oh wow. I am so sorry - how awful

I am always here to listen - be gentle with yourself.

[SusanH]

Ugh, what an awful thing to say. My heart is aching for you. I agree that it would be good for you to take care of yourself right now and don't worry about anybody else. People are going to say things that are hurtful and God bless their ignorance. Unless you live this loss it is just unexplainable. They will never understand how your belly longs to hold JT safe and sound back inside you. We understand and are here to listen and support you. I know JT was not a mistake, he is your son and always will be. He is going to help you become a stronger individual. Hugs to you.

[missing miles]

How horribly awful indeed! It is true, whether or not they had been mean to you, this pregnancy is going to be hard to be 'happy' about. Sure, you're probably happy for them, but it will (did for me anyway with all the subsequent pregnancies/ births) make you ACHE like crazy inside with tears threatening to spill at any moment. Be easy on yourself for sure! Yes, maybe avoiding them for a bit would be good, or find someone close to you that HAS been supportive that you can sort of 'cling to' for right now. JT was definitely not a mistake, people really don't realize how much the things they say affect us, but what you were told is HARSH! Praying for much strength, and I hope that those that are close to you make a HUGE turn around and become much more supportive, or at least sensitive!
Take care (well, try anyway)

[catherinedanae]

thank you to everyone here, when I find it so hard to relate to people around me, I know I can log on here and at least read comforting things.

my sister-in-laws baby shower announcements are now out, and they forgot an rsvp phone number on it, so when my mom called her mom to ask what she should tell relatives who have been asking, her mother said that this was the first baby shower she's ever thrown (therefor that's why she forgot the number I guess). But it hurt my mom's feelings. she's basically not allowed to be a part of my sister-in-laws party. she commented later that she should have said something like I wish I was still able to throw one.

I'm not going to go to her babyshower. I would love to go to support my brother even. but I just don't think I can handle it for now.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

It's been almost 3 years for us & I doubt I will ever go to another shower ever.

I wish I could give u a big squeeze! Xo

[mommy of three angels]

Sending you lots and lots of hugs

[mommymissingu]

i am so sorry to hear of the lack of family support in places, but glad you have found safety here! we are all here to take your hand and walk this path with you one stepping stone at a time. before you know it, you will be reaching out your hand for someone else to hold along the way. as far as baby showers go, i have not gone to the last two i was invited to. they both were having boys to boot and i didn't want to make it uncomfortable or make myself sad, so i think it is totally normal. right now be selfish, and i mean very selfish. as bad as that sounds it really is true. you must care for yourself first. praying for your peace.

[tlksc]

No - he was not/is not a mistake. I was told from the day I was born that I was unwanted, that my folks only wanted 2 children yet here I am - their little "mistake" and yet God had a purpose for me. I don't understand why some people are so insensitive to others and why your sister-in-law can't find a way to have compassion for you. I am so very sorry. The only one in our family that acknowledges that our Sara existed is my mother-in-law - she is so very faithful to Sara's short time on this earth. I encourage you to listen to what your heart says - if you can be around your family, that's great - if not, don't do it. You have to be able to take care of you before anyone otherwise you won't be able to care for the children that will eventually come and stay in your life. Blessings my dear girl. <3 Kelley

[catherinedanae]

My story, just like everyones, doesn't end with the loss of our child but keeps going. I have been doing really well I thought, but right now I am having a vary hard time with just anger instead of sadness. Especially when it comes to my sister in law. I really have tried avoiding her, and not just because of how mean she had been but because it just hurts so bad when i see her pregnant baby. Her shower is at the end of this month. My dad just wants peace, a happy loving family. But my brother and sister in law are just so mean. My dad acted offended when I said I wasn't going to her shower. How do I just tell people it's because it hurts so bad. My baby should be here... JT's sonogram pictures are still on my parents fridge and my sister in law was in our house recently (I was outside so I didn't hear this), but my mom said she stared at the pictures and said that those weren't of her baby and my mom said no it's JT's, and she said that hers should be up there. Does she not understand that that is all we have of him? Her baby will get first birthday photo's and christmas photo's. It just hurt. Sometimes I just get so angry about it because it's like it's still this compition with her and I just want to yell you won ok, you won. Your baby will get to achieve milestones and mine can't.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

There are so many unpleasant names that come to mind for your sil.

It reminds me of my sister. My mom was speaking w a lady in walmart because we had my two & her two - saying these were 4 of her 6, soon to be 7 grandkids.

My sister scoffed and said what is she talking about there's only 5...? My mom looked at her with fire in her eyes & said Cameron and the one your sister is carrying.

She will have no idea how much it hurt that she was so insensitive but I think the worst part is it was deliberate - she knew what my mom meant but wanted to dig at me.

I wish I could educate your sister in law but it would likely fall on green eyed ears. I am happy your lil ones u/s pics are there for you to see - xoxo

[momma to 2+ an angel]

And as for the baby shower thing? It's been nearly three years since we list Cameron & I fully intend to never participate in a shower pre-baby again ... After a baby is born we will see. And hey timE may change this sometime but not now.

Take it easy - xo

[lindaj]

this is a never ending emotional ride that we just cant get off...when Eric first passed away, insensitive people like your sister in law could bring me to tears in an instant, while they enjoyed their pregnancies and cuddled their babies, my baby was gone, never coming back and i ached to be in their shoes...but i never expressed those words or stopped comments that hurt for the fear of crying like the emotional wreck i was, but today now that i have matured i would put someone in their place in a instant...maybe you should lay it all out on the table with your parents and your bro and sister in law all present...to make it clear that the comments being made about your son are not acceptable, explain to your brother and sister in law, that they should thank God for a healthy pregnancy, and that Baby JT is part of this family as much as their baby is...you have every right to defend your child...you are being pushed into a hard place, be strong, you are Baby JT's voice...this angers me so much...sending you big hugs...and prayers for both of us cause my thoughts need prayers...

[catherinedanae]

hi linda, i like your advice of laying it all out on the table, but honestly they are just so mean I am really not sure it'd sink in. My mom's 50th birthday is coming up, its today actually and we were going to have a cook out tonight and my brother and sil made it very clear that if my john was there then they wouldn't. because my brothers repuatation is more important. (how to put this, john had previously used drugs, weed, but he quit to join the military from which he was honorably discharged halfway through boot camp anyways, he hasn't touched the stuff since and is working on better jobs and praying he can still make it in the army). the thing about my brother and sil is that they won't show up. they've proved that by not showing up on mothers day and easter thinking john was present. isn't that sweet? so yesterday when my dad got a text asking if john was invited my dad said yes but he isn't coming, my brother shot back "why would you invite a known drug addict to this and expect us to be there? are you trying to shove it in our faces?" he continued to say things, and my sil on the phone a ferw days ago said they wouldn't be coming because of john, when my dad said come on this party isn't for you two its for arlene(my mom) she said well we need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. why this is so frustrating and hurts extra bad is i got to thinking and was enfuriated because I realized that thats why they left my sons funeral early. they didn't even have the heart to stick around because of john.

so tonight john has bowed out of coming. he gave my mom her present yesterday. but I still have to be there. i don't know what i'm going to do folks.

[lindaj]

There's not too much you can do about ignorance, you cant change people, and it seems this is the case for your brother and sil...and if they choose to skip out of family gatherings because of john, then oh well, they are missing out on a chance to be with family...it is sad because as we all know life is too short to hate and be angry...a mature person could be there and just enjoy the gathering for the sake of being with family...and it is sad that you will not be able to change their way of thinking...but as JT's mother you are his voice, unkind words towards an adult who can defend themselves is one thing, unkind words about JT is unacceptable...but again you cant change ignorance...

[chloe's mommy]

i am soo sorry you have to go through that. family can be really harsh at times. ive been in a similar situation. you have so many emotions that you are going through missing JT. adding to it doesnt make it any better. healing is a long journey. its been 4 years and im still on that journey. my advice just stay away from people like that for awhile as much as you can. and remember JT is always watching over his mommy.