Bad night

[Erica Stone]

Maybe it's partly from sleep deprivation, but I'm having a really hard time tonight.

I haven't been to the cemetary to visit Matthew since the week before I had Thomas. I had been going somewhat regularly until the end of this pregnancy when i was just too exhausted to do much of anything. After the baby was born I was very emotional and conflicted about feeling happy and sad and relieved and upset all at the same time. I told Tom I wasn't ready to go when our families were here (he took his parents) and I honestly haven't thought about it too much. Over the past week I've been feeling uneasy, for lack of a better word, and a little bit anxious.

It was hard for me to go there when I was pregnant. I know it's all in my head, but I felt guilty about having another baby. At this very moment I feel guilty for not wanting to see Matthew or hold him or name him or anything. (I didn't even know I felt that way until right now - I'm crying so hard I have to keep stopping while I'm typing.) I suddenly feel that guilt because I don't even want to let this baby out of my sight for more than 5 minutes, I love him so much. I didn't think it was possible for me to love Matthew any more than I did, but I have recently realized otherwise. I wish there was someone who could have explained to me at the time how truly important it was for me to interact with Matthew. I have said on many occasions that I am so very grateful that my discovery of nilmdts wasn't too late, and tonight it really hits home that I got a second chance to do that. I only wish that I could have been stronger and been able to embrace that first chance.

I've been talking to T about his big brother as he stares at the photos above my bed or on my computer screen. I hope I can give him an appreciation for life and death in a way that isn't scary for him the way it was for me. I wish I could have done all the things with Matthew that I am doing with his baby brother and I am feeling so much pain right now over that. I didn't imagine I would feel that way, but I guess I didn't know what I was missing before. Last Halloween doesn't even register with me, but this year as I'm picking out a costume for T and making plans to take him to the pumpkin patch I feel like I've been stabbed through the heart.

The more I write this the better I feel - I'm never good when I keep things in - and I know I'll be better in the morning. And I'll be better after I bring the baby to Matthew. I always feel better after I visit him.

[Tammy]

Erica (((Big Hugs)))
Matthew understands and he will always be apart of you. He knows the love you have for him, he knows he will always be remembered. Matthew is showing all his little buddies his new baby brother Thomas from Heaven. He will be Thomas's guardian angel, and yours through out life.
You may be going through all that post-partum (sp) stuff, then reflecting on where you were a year ago... I can see where all your emotions are coming from and it's normal. It's good for you to get those emotions out, thank you for sharing your feelings with us Erica. You know we are here whenever you need us.
You are such an inspiration to so many people.
Telling Thomas about Matthew is important also, I'm glad you are doing that.
You take care~ allow yourself a break. Ok?
(hugs)
Tammy

[Deb Stoner]

Hi Erica,
I think those "guilt" feelings are normal. I had them too, after Gretchen was born. Seeing all of her "firsts" makes me miss Marah even more. The first time I took Gretchen to the cemetary with me she was about a week old and it was very emotional. Just getting through the pregnancy with her was emotionally overwhelming--praying she would be ok. I still thought something would happen to her after the birth. I spent 9 months mentally preparing for that. Matthew will always be in your heart and Thomas will always know he has a big brother. Having subsequent children is emotionally draining because it brings closer to home what you might have had if your baby was here, on Earth. It is hard for others around you to understand at times. Please PM me if you want to talk further.
~thinking about you today--and your sweet boys!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Erica,
Love hurts....
It's as simple as that.
I don't understand the guilty feelings, because I will not have another child after Maddux, but I can imagine why you can feel that way.
You have been given many gifts through Matthew. A gift to love deeply. A gift to grieve deeply, and a gift to appreciate the 'little' things in life that most take for granted. Accept those gifts, and teach Thomas about them. Matthew wants you and Tom to be the best mommy and daddy a baby could ever have. And I think you will do that. I am sure that Matthew is very proud of you. He wants you to love Thomas more than life. That doesn't mean that you don't Matthew any less...It means that Matthew has shown you how to love greatly, deeply and unconditionally....Matthew doesn't want you to feel guilt either. You have another committment right now too. Matthew knows that. I am almost positive that he is not the jealous type...(LOL) I hope that my words can help you, not move on, but look ahead.
((HUGS))
Cheryl

[Erica Stone]

Thanks for your kind words, it's a relief to know that this is always a place of support.

We went to the cemetary yesterday. We brought Matthew some of those teeny pumpkins (one for each of us in the family) - it's bizarre that this is the second time we've done this. I was more upset on the way there, but felt so much better after we left. That's always the way it is for me.