Cydney Paige's week of life

[Karla]

November 7th 2005. It all began then. What should have been today, my beautiful, sweet bundle of joy. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I am facing now. The loss seems to be cutting deeper everyday. Today. like Tuesday and yesterday is horrible to get through, and so will the next three days. I feel like I am in exactly the same place this time today as I was last year. Seeing my baby moved from ward to ward, and every one who should know what they are supposed to do messing up....a horrible tragedy of errors. Isn't it hard enough to deal with a loss, but to have to deal with what ifs? I have to question sometimes how does God work, yes he knows best, yes, he's there for us, yes, he does not give us more than we can deal with, but I am not dealing!!! I am hurting, and if he did ask me, I'd say that I am not strong enough to deal with this. My heart hurts, it sinks double times for the day, I cannot see the sunshine anymore, my family is falling apart, and each time I feel that it's getting better I drop twice the times that I was able to get up. I miss my daughter so much, I can never imagine how such a perfect little being could leave us . I thought that the world needed someone like her, to make it brighter. I wanted so much to teach her all the good things life has to offer, to love others and to help others. My daily prayer will always now be:"Dear God, please don't let anymore parents lose their children." I wish you guys were all here with me, to help me with her memorial service. I can't seem to get anything done, I feel like the day will come and I'll be totally unprepared. Each and everyone of you,thank you for the warmth, the support and love that you have extended to me.

Karla

[Tammy]

I wish we were there to help you too Karla... I know how difficult it is. I was at work on my baby's first birthday~ I decided to work until noon, and then take the rest of the day off. Well, the day started out fine, but then I heard birthday listings on the radio... and that's all it took. I ran into the rest room and cried. Then had to explain what was wrong. It's NOT fair. This ISN'T supposed to happen. Where do you find the strength to go on with life when such a huge and important part of it is missing? How can you not be angry, devastated... heartbroken?
Karla, I understand. All you can do is take a moment at a time, at best. Get through each day however you need to. I'm so very sorry things are so difficult for you... if there was something I could do, I would help you in a heartbeat~
Just know there are people here who care... I'm one of those people.
((hugs))
Tammy

[Sherry Petri]

Karla,
I will pray that God wraps you in the blanket of his peace tonight, tomorrow and this entire week.
Sherry
Jonathan's Mommy
www.jonathanpetri.last-memories.com

[Tasha Nicholls]

Karla made this program for Cydney Paige's memorial service and asked me to post it. Nice work, Karla! I'm sure it was a beautiful service and there were many of us whose thoughts were with you!

[Jessi Hill]

Beautiful.... Karla, I think you did a wonderful job, and I wish I could have been there for you!
(HUGS)

[Karla]

Thanks Jessi, I know that I was in your thoughts at all times. It was a very beautiful service, esp being able to use Kirk's beautiful dvd. We got a great contribution for the Community Chest... TT$3200.00, that's about US$600.00. We plan on putting TT$1800.00 to make it 5 000.00. I am so happy about that. My wish is to be able to this more often, raising funds for such organisations so that other parents can have some hope for their children.
Now I feel empty, even though I know that everyone who attended her service came away touched and more aware of the despair parents with sick kids experience. Everyone expect me to be me again, before Cydney Paige, but I can never be that person again. Frankly I do not even know where to go from here. I have a multitude of problems in my life besides losing Cydney. I remind myself everyday that there is always someone who is worse of than I am, but I feel inadequate to deal with me. I can barely raise my head above the waters after losing her, I was drowning before and when she entered my life I felt ecstatic, if only God knows how much he answered my prayers then. But what now?? My family is hurting and broken, I cannot get my son to study even when I try to coax him into doing well for his sister's memory. I need so much for him to co operate with me and do the smart thing, but teenagers are a lot more to deal with than I bargained for. It is those times too that I miss Cydney Paige's innocence and warm touch. I imagine that she would have melted the ice around us most times. I keep looking forward to the day when the good in all this would reveal itself, because that's what everyone says.....'there is always a good reason for why things happen'. How could anything be better than having my sweet little girl with me!
Today I am confused, maybe tomorrow there will be some clarity to all this.

Karla

[Erica Stone]

Karla -

It does not matter what others "expect" of you - they have not suffered your loss. You don't need to worry about them. You said you feel "inadequate to deal with me", and " can barely raise my head above the waters after losing her". I feel so badly that you are having such a difficult time, and it worries me. Are you worried that moving forward in your life means leaving Cydney's memory behind? Are you afraid that nobody will remember her? We all will remember her and keep her close to our hearts every day. Please consider seeking help from a professional, for yourself as well as your son and husband. Is there a school counselor that your son can talk to? I'm sure that like most teenagers his being difficult is an attempt to disguise his hurt and sadness over his loss, too. He may even feel more at a loss than you realize - how to help you, himself, his father - but be better at hiding it. Talking to someone may be the first step in helping to heal your family.

[Karla]

Thanks Erica,
I suppose that overall it is a scary situation that we must at most times deal with on our own. I have found the forum to be quite helpful, mainly because most of the members can truly empathise with me. Others who have not lost a child are clueless as to what we go through, and as I said once before when the loss is a baby it's even worse. It's more painful for us because we mourn two losses, our baby and the person they should/could have been. But to others, they never knew our babies, they never developed a relationship with them and so they do not remember them. And yes it hurts, more than ever, when the world revolves and there is no mention of her, and I am told to move on, get a job, go back to school etc, etc!!! I know that what I need is time to absorb fully what has happened. Unfortunately, my situation is compounded by a wicked selfish mother in law. The one who thought that since I was pregnant she would die......... well how does she explain that my daughter died and she is still here!!!! I am sorry that this comes up, but it baffles me and makes the hurt even more. I just want to mourn the loss of my daughter in peace, lovingly and beautifully as she deserves and I deserve, not to be reminded everyday of someone else's selfish thoughts.
Erica, I won't deny that Willie may need to vent or talk to someone, he deals with a lot more than most other 14 years olds. the doors have been opened for him to do just that, he has great teachers and counsellors at school and a few really good friends who have been there for him right through. We have our moments when the reality of losing Cydney Paige hits hard, especially as it's been a year, and Christmas is creeping in. I am afraid of all of this, I imagined the great times we would have had with her, the lovely Christmas songs that would have become even more precious, and the best gift of all, Cydney Paige to share the day with.

Thank you so much again Erica,
I may have a habit of saying thank you one too many times, sorry

Karla