Advise needed

[Tammy]

Thought I would share with you some personal thoughts and feelings I am going through as we approach the Christmas holiday. Just like the other "first" holidays that have come and gone since Chase passed away (Halloween & Thanksgiving) it's difficult. I feel guilty because I have not been able to bring myself to getting an ornament for Chase to put on the tree. I feel guilty because I did not attend the memorial service at the funeral home for the families who have lost loved ones this past year. I feel angry at myself for not following through with all the things I had planned to do. I feel angry and stressed because we are having Christmas at our home this Sunday (December 18th) and I have not accomplished one darn thing to prepare for it. I feel empty... even though I have my husband, two sons here and other family too.... I can't explain this emptiness. I feel frustrated because I can't seem to find the motivation to do the usual things I do during the holidays like baking, decorating the house etc. Nothing seems "normal" to me anymore. I don't feel things will ever be normal again. I feel frustrated also because I'm fighting all these feelings, yet trying to maintain some sort of normalcy for my family. Why should they miss out on holiday traditions because mom dosen't feel "up" to doing things? It's not fair for them, yet how do I get over this stump I'm at?
Anyone else have these same feelings, or should I consider seeking professional help?

[Kirk Kief]

Maybe if you got one, really nice Angel for the top of the tree, and that is Chase's Angel. Feeling angry over not accomplishing what you had hoped for, this year, is probably not anger, but, more of a feeling of frustration. Don't fret over what you've not been able to accomplish, but, rather, rejoice over the things that you have accomplished. No matter how significant, or insignificant they may seem. I'm probably not the best one on this forum to try and offer solice, but, I'm here for you and your family to lean on if needed. I wish I was in your vicinity as I'd gladly come by and do your baking for you. After you taste my baking, it won't exactly cheer you up, but, it would give you something to really get angry over.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Tammy-I am glad we got to talk earlier. I'm sorry that I wiped out everything I wrote, and didn't have time to rewrite, so it was easier to just pick up the phone. I hope you take my advice, about downsizing, and asking for help. There is no need to get into the hustle and bustle of the holidays. (like I am one to talk) But I did downsize this year. I bought cookie dough, instead of homemade dough. I didn't put out all my decorations. I asked a friend for help in shopping, and putting up the decorations. Yes it is hard...Your kids, will remember you, and the memories you help them create. Not the extras...Remember, they are still young. Buy a ready to put together ginger bread house, and help them build it. No need to bake everything from scratch. Do you know what I mean? Don't try to do it all yourself. Be good to yourself. Take a step back, and look around. List your priorities. Then gather your kids on the couch, turn out the lights, and marvel at the wonder in their eyes as you all gaze at the twinkling lights on your tree. Feel the magic...Try to find the peace...
Remember-I am always here to listen. I truly wish we lived closer...
((((((((((((((((((((Big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))Cheryl

[Charlene Lopez]

Tammy,

Be patient with yourself. You are going through perfectly normal feelings for anyone who has been through what we all have. There isn't anything wrong with doing things a little differently this year, it will get better. You can start some new traditions. I'm sure those around you love you and understand.:(

[Tammy]

Thank you to all for your supporting words. Sunday has come and gone, everything went fine. We did get a few more decorations up, and a couple batches of cookies made. (The kids decorated...man, did I have a mess to clean up when they were done!:eek: I think Jacob (my 2 yr old) had frosting on everything else except the cookies, I think he thought he was the cookie! It was fun to watch though. Life's simple pleasures.)
I was able to bring out a picture of Chase to show. It went back in the box afterward, but it will be up on my wall sometime this next year, it's too beautiful to keep in the box. It just has to be the right time.
Another thing I have done was email the video link of Chase to family members. This way, I don't feel I'm "pushing" the issue, and they can view the video when they are ready to do so. I so wished I could have had the courage to show the DVD while everyone was here, but I didn't. I feel it's better to share Chase in this way, until I know what the reaction will be, if that makes any sense.
Kirk- thanks for the wonderful idea of the angel ornament. I'm checking into seeing if there is anyway I can get Chase's name and birthday embroidered... or I can do it myself too. (Another hidden talent of mine) And you are right in saying I should not worry about what doesn't get done, but rather what is accomplished. I understand that now, and I thank you. (ps... I highly doubt your baking is that bad! =o})
Cheryl- (Miss. fire fingers.... ) It was wonderful talking with you also. Yes, I have taken your advise and down sized, at least for this year. I have more important things to think about and realize then making sure every Christmas light works. Besides, I don't have that kind of energy back yet.....
Wished we lived closer too... but I just have this feeling we will meet someday.
Charlene- Thank you for your words of advise about being patient with myself... that's something I never have been good at, too much of a
perfectionist in some ways I guess. I always want everything to be perfect all the time... it doesn't happen. Thank you for helping me realize that a little better, I appreciate it much. Hope you are doing well, I've been thinking about ya!
Scott- Thank you for bringing my spirits up. If the opportunity comes for me to help someone else, I would gladly help as much as I can in a heartbeat. I guess when you say I have a way with words, I'm only speaking from my heart, and the words just come. If I could be anyone's inspiration like so many here on the forum have been mine, then yes.... I have found that answer to the "why's". Thank you again....

[Erica Stone]

Tammy -

You are stressed out, as we all are, and you have to give yourself a break. You don't have to take care of everyone and everything like you're a superwoman. Cheryl is right - asking for help is not a bad thing, and I'm sure your friends and family would jump on board even before you finished asking the question. I didn't attend the memorial service at the cemetary where we have Matthew, either. I felt a little bit bad about it, but I realized that I don't have to do everything this year. Your kids aren't missing out on anything, they will be happy and excited no matter what you do. I'm glad you took out your picture of Chase - it felt nice, didn't it? I started by putting one on my nightstand, and I actually kiss it every night before I go to bed. Then I put one out by my computer. Now I'm trying to decide which ones I want to collage for the wall. (You should see Cheryl's house - Maddux's photos are up (and beautiful) along with her other kids.) Don't worry about what other people think. It's your house. I know what you mean about the video, though. I think that's the kind of thing that you have to let people decide to view on their own. You've sent them the link and it's up to them. I don't think my own parents have gotten through mine.

[Tammy]

Erica
Thank you. =o)
As hard it is for me to take a step back, that is what I have done, and I feel alot better. This time of year is just a difficult time, it's not only the fact about Chase, it's other family members who are not here as well. I think about them alot, and miss them dearly.
Yes, it did feel wonderful to show the picture of Chase, and soon, I would like to have a collage made also. Cheryl did send me a picture of her display of Maddux, very very beautiful.
Thanks again Erica. I really appreciate your helpful thoughts, it means more to me than you know. I hope you and your family are doing well and have a wonderful Christmas.