Miracle in medicine

[Karla]

Today I happened to read an article about a baby that was born with his heart on the outside of his chest and the amazing surgery performed to place it inside. http://www.heraldtimesonline.com/stories/2006/11/23/nationworld.qp-885508.sto

It may sound selfish but each time I read of such miracles in medicine I feel a pang of jealousy. I wish that it could have been Cydney Paige, that it was her having such a miraculous surgery and given a chance to have a normal life. I am really sorry for having such feelings, and I am really happy that another child has been given a chance, I guess i would probably always feel that way as to me it would have meant having my baby here.

Does anyone else have such feelings? Dealing with a loss is really hard work, It seems that there are so many different events that can bring about a surge of different emotions, each one overwhelming us like waves crashing on the shores.

I hate myself for having these feelings, I do not know if they are normal, if anyone else have them, but I find myself getting angry that at the time there were no doctors around who could have performed such a wonder.

Karla

[Cheryl Haggard]

Karla,
Your feelings are totally normal, I personally think. I too, sometimes feel a pang of jealousy when I see a mother with their baby. But then I also know that I am blessed beyond words, because of Maddux, and that I am a different person, and that I see everything different now because of him...
Thinking those thoughts almost makes me feel sorry for that mother...
Does that make sense?
I hope that you heart has found alittle healing from these past few weeks...
Cheryl

[Tasha Nicholls]

Karla,

I think these feelings are completely normal and human. As hard as we try, sometimes it's hard to stifle those feelings of jealosy when you see and hear about situations that are so close to your own where the outcome was a happy, healthy baby.

Like I have said before, I have not walked a mile in your shoes, but I would think I'd have the same feelings... and then guilt afterwards for feeling that way, because I wouldn't wish my loss on anyone else, of course.

I wish I could take your pain away and help you through your grief. I know I can't, so just know that I am here for you and this is always a safe place to vent your frustrations.

*HUGS*

[Jen Eagan]

Karla you aren't alone. I get the same way. There used to be a show on TV called "It's a Miracle" and I couldn't watch it because I would get so upset every time. Like- why are some people so deserving of a miracle and I wasn't? Did I do something dreadfully wrong to deserve to lose my child? Nope. Life just isn't fair and it sucks. I used to also be incredibly jealous of women with babies. And would get VERY angry at moms I'd see ignoring their babies or smoking around them or talking mean to them (usually very young moms). When my 2 older kids (now 5 and 6) were 2 and 20 months old, we were at Olan Mills at Kmart (yes I went there before I became a photographer) and this teen mom was screaming and cussing at her beautiful little girl for getting fussy in the picture waiting line- and I turned around (in front of my kids, my mom, and my kids 5 cousins) and confronted the girl for talking that way in front of my kids. I felt like she didn't deserve to be a mother. She tried to get in my face and I didn't back down (unlike me) and was ready to take it into the parking lot. Thankfully she left and I didn't have to! But anyway- yes it's normal and I still feel that way sometimes.

[HAINAngel2000]

Karla, I felt that way once when I hear about a baby that survived who was only 1 ounce more in weight then my baby I lost. It was hurtful but because of our babies doctors learn so more babies can be saved, what good that does when we are the ones who lost huh :(

I totally understand how you felt.
Mary

[Jessi Hill]

Three and a half years later I am still having these feelings-I can't help it I guess. I feel that some parents are sooooo inadequate and undeserving... then need to remind myself it isn't my place to judge. I get jelious everytime someone says they are pregnant, then I am also scared for them and hoping all goes well for them. I do not know why so many babies have to become angels so soon, or why we have to lose or precious babies- we don't deserve it, no one does... but I do no since I cannot have Tristan, I wouldn't change a thing because he has made my life so much better, he taught me to truly love, to be giving, and take nothing for granted. He is my angel!!!!
Take care all of you and Karla- email me anytime!
HUGS!

[CMatros]

Lets talk jealously....two months after we lost Anna my sister came to me (over the phone as she is in Florida) and told me that she is pregnant...she was more scared to tell me and my husband than she was telling my parents. She is only 20 and in the Navy so she knows that this will change all of her plans for a military life. The father is also in the Navy but told my sister in the beginning when she only thought that she was pregnant that she should cause a miscarriage and "throw herself down a flight of stairs." Needless to say...he is NOT in the picture at all...and frankly doesn't know she is having his baby. It is because of him that I got over my jealously...I need to be strong for my sister, but also to be a role model for my new niece...my husband has slowly gotten excited for the new arrival into the family, though, I won't lie...it does tug on our heart...knowing that the joy of my daughter will forever be shared with my niece as they will be sharing the middle name of Grace, its like she is still alive with us...

Now I don't want people to think that she got pregnant on purpose as that is NOT what happened. This has actually brought us closer together...I will be her birthing coach and will fly to Florida the Friday before her due date...yes, cutting it short, so I told her that Channing is not allow to even think about coming until Friday night....she will just have to stand on her head if that is what it takes:)

[Jen Eagan]

yes, cutting it short, so I told her that Channing is not allow to even think about coming until Friday night....she will just have to stand on her head if that is what it takes:)

I have a totally not-related to jealousy but totally similar to this last statement- story to share. When I was pregnant with my son in 2001 (2nd baby after Hannah), my husband was on the ship (also in the Navy). He was supposed to be home I think in late-September or early October. CJ was due November 10th. Then Sept 11 happened and their cruise got extended- they were stuck in the Arabian Gulf for a few extra weeks and we had NO IDEA when he'd be home. I refused to go into labor (or so I kept saying) without him there. Told my midwife I would do handstands to keep him in- lol. Well, dh got home November 10th and guess what- I went into labor about 5 hours later. Anyway- just thought of that story with the "stand on her head" comment. :)