Scott Hays
12-18-2005, 07:09 PM
So here we are... I can only assume that since you are here reading this, that either you've decided that there might be something to this forum stuff, or your wife/mother strongly encouraged you to be here. Either way, welcome.
I lost my daughter 19 years ago at birth. Lindsey's cord had knotted on itself and had also wrapped around her neck. On her due date, she stopped moving, and we delivered her stillbirth. At that point, we didn't have any other children, and were stationed in Hawaii, thousands of miles away from our families in Colorado.
I think one of the things that alot of us father/male types tend to do, is to push the pain to the back of our minds. Is it out of fear of showing our emotions? Is it that we are supposed to be strong for our famililes? Is it that we just don't know how to react? Whatever it is, for whatever reason, we don't show the emotions we probably should. Heck, some of us were never shown how to share our emotions, others of us are afraid of how some might react to us, and others may fear that if they show their emotions that their family won't feel their strength.
From my experience, I know I probably wasn't there for my wife like I could have been. I took about a month's worth of leave to be with Lisa and our families, and then I went back to work. I was pre-occupied with my job. I pushed everything to the back and moved on. At that time, my wife wasn't working, and even if she was, she wasn't ready to move on, she still wanted Lindsey. She started to hold her emotions in because I wasn't talking about her, and she thought I didn't want to. I know she suffered because of this. She still needed to talk about Lindsey, but I wasn't there for her. So many times, our way of dealing with the death of our children is to move on, but that isn't the case for our spouses. They need to know that we are there for them. They need that shoulder to cry on, they need to talk about your baby, and how they miss him/her. Your child was a very real part of your life, and will be remembered for as long as you both live. This isn't to say that your child wasn't important to you, we just need to make sure we are there for our families emotionally.
I felt guilty for years that I had somehow caused Lindsey's death. I still somehow feel that today. THere's nothing I could have done to have stopped her death. No one could have foreseen it, but I still feel guilty about it. It's something i've needed to have talked about for 19 years, and never have gone indepth into it. Now I've got this forum, and with time, I'll be able to share a little more over time. How theraputic is this. No one has to know who I really am, but I can vent nonetheless. Ok, my picture is up there, and that is a little scary to look at...
I think something that is important, is that all of us need to know is that there are 5 stages of grief. There are is no specific order involved, nor is there a time frame involved either. You might go through one phase, be ok for a month or two, then suddenly start another phase. You may even repeat phases. There's no rythme or reason. In a nut shell, here they are: (by the way, I'm not a psychologist, and don't play one here or on TV)
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
To get a little more insight on them, just go on line and look up something along the lines of the 5 stages of grief. That should get you something that will explain them in a little more detail. It's worth checking out.
Don't be afraid to go seek family counseling. Guys, although you may feel you are doing great, there is a really good chance that your wife or children may not be. Or, maybe none of you are dealing with your loss well. This is a perfect way to get some coping skills that will help. It's a long road, and the more help you can get, the better you'll feel.
Please feel free to write in this particular portion of the forum. Although our spouses and children are very important, we need to make sure that we are taking time for ourselves, and have a place to go to and get things off our chests. I look forward to meeting you and hearing your stories.
This is a hard time of the year, but with the love and support of your families, it can be much easier.
I lost my daughter 19 years ago at birth. Lindsey's cord had knotted on itself and had also wrapped around her neck. On her due date, she stopped moving, and we delivered her stillbirth. At that point, we didn't have any other children, and were stationed in Hawaii, thousands of miles away from our families in Colorado.
I think one of the things that alot of us father/male types tend to do, is to push the pain to the back of our minds. Is it out of fear of showing our emotions? Is it that we are supposed to be strong for our famililes? Is it that we just don't know how to react? Whatever it is, for whatever reason, we don't show the emotions we probably should. Heck, some of us were never shown how to share our emotions, others of us are afraid of how some might react to us, and others may fear that if they show their emotions that their family won't feel their strength.
From my experience, I know I probably wasn't there for my wife like I could have been. I took about a month's worth of leave to be with Lisa and our families, and then I went back to work. I was pre-occupied with my job. I pushed everything to the back and moved on. At that time, my wife wasn't working, and even if she was, she wasn't ready to move on, she still wanted Lindsey. She started to hold her emotions in because I wasn't talking about her, and she thought I didn't want to. I know she suffered because of this. She still needed to talk about Lindsey, but I wasn't there for her. So many times, our way of dealing with the death of our children is to move on, but that isn't the case for our spouses. They need to know that we are there for them. They need that shoulder to cry on, they need to talk about your baby, and how they miss him/her. Your child was a very real part of your life, and will be remembered for as long as you both live. This isn't to say that your child wasn't important to you, we just need to make sure we are there for our families emotionally.
I felt guilty for years that I had somehow caused Lindsey's death. I still somehow feel that today. THere's nothing I could have done to have stopped her death. No one could have foreseen it, but I still feel guilty about it. It's something i've needed to have talked about for 19 years, and never have gone indepth into it. Now I've got this forum, and with time, I'll be able to share a little more over time. How theraputic is this. No one has to know who I really am, but I can vent nonetheless. Ok, my picture is up there, and that is a little scary to look at...
I think something that is important, is that all of us need to know is that there are 5 stages of grief. There are is no specific order involved, nor is there a time frame involved either. You might go through one phase, be ok for a month or two, then suddenly start another phase. You may even repeat phases. There's no rythme or reason. In a nut shell, here they are: (by the way, I'm not a psychologist, and don't play one here or on TV)
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
To get a little more insight on them, just go on line and look up something along the lines of the 5 stages of grief. That should get you something that will explain them in a little more detail. It's worth checking out.
Don't be afraid to go seek family counseling. Guys, although you may feel you are doing great, there is a really good chance that your wife or children may not be. Or, maybe none of you are dealing with your loss well. This is a perfect way to get some coping skills that will help. It's a long road, and the more help you can get, the better you'll feel.
Please feel free to write in this particular portion of the forum. Although our spouses and children are very important, we need to make sure that we are taking time for ourselves, and have a place to go to and get things off our chests. I look forward to meeting you and hearing your stories.
This is a hard time of the year, but with the love and support of your families, it can be much easier.