Anxious/Depressed????

[Brooke]

Hi to All,

It has only been 10 weeks since Emma has gone to be with Jesus at 24 weeks gestation. I'm having a really hard day today. I go back and forth between good days, o.k. days, and bad days. Today is a bad day. I've been feeling this way since the first part of December. Maybe it is christmas right around the corner, hormones, or both? I'm sure, but wish I new. I feel as if my mind is racing. I go back and forth between feeling like I can get through this grief and then the next minute I feel like I can't. I feel grateful for my children, husband, family that I do have and I tell myself that all the time. I think that it could be much worse and then in the next 5 minutes I go back to thinking I can't handle this part of my life. Is this a normal part of grief? I was doing so well until around December 3rd. Maybe I was doing too well with the passing of our daughter. I just don't know. I've been taking sleeping pills to sleep and they do work, but I hate the idea of taking them to get sleep. I keep telling myself that it is o.k. and I have to do what I need to keep myself healthy. I started to take my Zoloft again, but not sure if I'm having these anxious side effects of the drug or is it just myself/my body doing this anxious feeling as a part of the grief cycle? I just need a little support and some answers if any of you have been here and felt this way. Need to know that I am not going crazy.

Thank you,

Brooke
Mommy to Carter-4, Ethan-19 months, Angel Emma

[Rayna']

That was exactly what I was going through before I found out I had Postpartum Depression!!!! Ups & extreme downs, mind is racing, feel like I was losing my mind, anxiety, foggy memory, hair falling out, feeling like I was crazy. My Zoloft would work for two weeks & then I would go down down down until they increase my Zoloft. This time he add something with the Zoloft for my hormones. I can’t remember the name (the bottle is at home). It has helped with the sadness. But I am having increase anxiety (with the pressure of xmas & such) , hot flashes, I keep waking up at night. I have a follow up appt with him on Thursday. You may want to consider calling your doctor & tell him how you are feeling. I know that you want to be on less medication as possible, but you need to take care of your health & mental health before you try again.
I am sorry you are having a hard time. If you need to talk some more you can always contact me!

[Tasha Nicholls]

Brooke,

*HUGS* I wish I had some great advice that could help you through this difficult time. I am confident that you are not crazy. Your due date is approaching, the holidays are here, and you're trying to take care of yourself, your hubby and 2 little boys. It's a lot of stress and I think the reality is really starting to sink in.

Talk to your Dr.... you've been through a lot. I'm so sorry you have to go through this...

[Brooke]

Thank you so much for the confidence Tasha. I really appreciate it. Good to hear all those things from someone else. It makes me realize that I do have a lot going on right now, so that is probably the reason I feel the way I do.

Love,
Brooke

[linda]

Hi Brooke,

Your not crazy and this is very normal. I too felt the same way, happy, sad, mad. Good days, bad days, it's such a mess. One minute your fine the next you can't get it out of your head. Ethan was 21 weeks gestation and I would do good for a week or two and then fall apart. Just a few weeks ago my melt down was holiday cards and pictures. Most would say how silly - but to me it was a nightmare! I was beside myself in grief not having my baby upon my lap for Christmas pictures. You are doing the right thing. Keep searching for answers till you find what works for you!! We can all share our thoughts and what we did, but remember - what makes you feel best is what you need to do right now. Grief is so intense and when the grief is of one of the greatest loves of your life who really can answer how to recover from it. I sent you your holiday card and sent the book to Carter and Ethan just yesterday. I hope you enjoy the letter, I hope it helps you find some peace during this time. Know that we care, we are here for you and we are praying for peace and love for you and your family. Hang in there...

Linda

[Brooke]

Hi Linda,

Thank you so much for the response. I really think that this must be a hard time of year for everyone, especially when you have no baby at a time when you should have. I'll be watching the mail for the card and book. You are so kind and considerate. You hang in there too.

Brooke
Mommy to Carter-4, Ethan-19 months, Angel Emma

[B Storm]

Brooke,

I have been in the same boat as you. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. Many days I have went minute by minute, hour by hour,day by day. I had to call my doctor for a anti anxiety. I am sorry that you are hurting.

Love and hugs,
B. Storm
mommy to Lilly-3
Angel Baby Samuel-08-24-06

[Cheryl Haggard]

Brooke-
One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.
My friend here told me that to her grief is like a lake...
Deep parts, shallow parts, and parts that reflect right back to you...
Take it easy, don't try to do too much...
Try to enjoy the holidays and see this time through the eyes of your two beautiful sons...
My thoughts, prayers and blessings are with you all...
Cheryl

[Erica Stone]

I've had anxiety and wake up frequently for the past year and a half. Some days it's better than others. Don't beat yourself up trying to "figure it out" - I think it's all normal. Whatever that means! :p

[Erica Stone]

I was thinking about this half the night and I realized something. I realized that we can never get back to normal, so it becomes about finding a way to adjust - or readjust - to "normal" and a new way of living and surviving in the world. Sometimes it can appear that life is fine to those around us, but they don't sense that for us it is askew. Does that make sense? I see things so differently now, and as I look back on the past year and a half I have to give myself a break for all those times I felt like I couldn't function or get out of bed or stop crying. Brooke, it has been such a short time for you and the last thing you need is to beat yourself up. I have personally gained a lot of insight from reading Scott's posts (he's had the benefit of time and perspective) and going back and reading our posts from last year. It will be a journey for all of us.

[Rayna']

Well put, Erica...