Scott Hays
12-23-2005, 12:03 AM
So if you've read a lot of my other post's, you'll know that my daughter Lindsey was still born 19 years ago. I think I said in my last father's post that she died as a result of there being a knot in her cord as well as her cord being wrapped around her neck.
Everything was fine the night before when we went to bed, and the next morning, but by mid afternoon, we realized she wasn't moving (it was her due date), so we went to the hospital on our doctors orders to find out there was no heart beat.
More than likely if you're reading this, you know the pain of losing a child. I can't pretend to know what it's like to have had a child who lived for a day, a week, or more, then had God take that child. I think pain is pain though.
I think where my remaining pain today, 19 years later hangs, is deep in my soul. During the latter half of our pregnancy with Lindsey, I would read to her through Lisa's stomach, and play music for her as well through ear phones. That little girl would roll, kick, punch... you name it, she did it, she was an active little girl. I can remember us laughing at the amount of movement she would make during those times.
When we found out that her heart had stopped beating, like most parents we were devastated. When I found out her cord had knotted on itself, and that her cord had wrapped around her neck, I started to feel guilty, that it was my fault that those things had happened due to my making her move so much. I've never really talked about it, and still to this day, around the anniversary of her birth in November, those gut wrenching feelings of guilt still come back and haunt me. They last for several months each year, going through the holidays.
I've been seeing a therapist for a number of years now, and have never discussed it with him. I guess maybe it's time i do. I've been honest with him in every other aspect of my life, but I've never really talked in length about Lindsey. With so many people having had their children to have held for a period of time before they lost them, I almost feel guilty for grieving so long. I tell myself that the loss of a child is a loss, no matter how it happened, but...****, I guess it still comes down to the guilt I carry.
It would help me a lot if I could hear from some of the other fathers out there to hear how you've dealt with the loss of your child. I personally have never discussed this, not even with my wife. This is the first time I've brought it up, and as much as it scared me to do it, it felt somewhat good. Now if i can just talk about it tomorrow morning with my shrink.
I guess it's all baby steps huh?
Everything was fine the night before when we went to bed, and the next morning, but by mid afternoon, we realized she wasn't moving (it was her due date), so we went to the hospital on our doctors orders to find out there was no heart beat.
More than likely if you're reading this, you know the pain of losing a child. I can't pretend to know what it's like to have had a child who lived for a day, a week, or more, then had God take that child. I think pain is pain though.
I think where my remaining pain today, 19 years later hangs, is deep in my soul. During the latter half of our pregnancy with Lindsey, I would read to her through Lisa's stomach, and play music for her as well through ear phones. That little girl would roll, kick, punch... you name it, she did it, she was an active little girl. I can remember us laughing at the amount of movement she would make during those times.
When we found out that her heart had stopped beating, like most parents we were devastated. When I found out her cord had knotted on itself, and that her cord had wrapped around her neck, I started to feel guilty, that it was my fault that those things had happened due to my making her move so much. I've never really talked about it, and still to this day, around the anniversary of her birth in November, those gut wrenching feelings of guilt still come back and haunt me. They last for several months each year, going through the holidays.
I've been seeing a therapist for a number of years now, and have never discussed it with him. I guess maybe it's time i do. I've been honest with him in every other aspect of my life, but I've never really talked in length about Lindsey. With so many people having had their children to have held for a period of time before they lost them, I almost feel guilty for grieving so long. I tell myself that the loss of a child is a loss, no matter how it happened, but...****, I guess it still comes down to the guilt I carry.
It would help me a lot if I could hear from some of the other fathers out there to hear how you've dealt with the loss of your child. I personally have never discussed this, not even with my wife. This is the first time I've brought it up, and as much as it scared me to do it, it felt somewhat good. Now if i can just talk about it tomorrow morning with my shrink.
I guess it's all baby steps huh?