The worst day of my life.

[Jen Eagan]

Eight years ago today was the worst day of my life. Hannah died December 30th- but the 29th holds all the pain and all the horrible memories that I still can't talk about. After the agony of December 29th, letting her go was a peaceful release.

Sometimes I don't know how I've survived this long without her. Most of the time it feels like another life now, but every once in a while I feel her near... and I wish more than anything that I could feel that without immediately letting myself be yanked back to that awful day. My memories of her are so few that I hate to wish I could forget the really bad ones... but I do. I wish more than anything I could just stop being tortured by the memories.

[B Storm]

Jen,

I share in your pain. much love and many hugs.

B.Storm
mommy to Lilly-3
Angel baby Samuel-August 24, 2006

[Jessi Hill]

Thinking of you and wishing you Peace!
((((((HUGS)))))))

[Dave Cisco]

Wish I could say or do something that would matter...

[Tasha Nicholls]

*HUGS*... I'm so sorry....

[Deb Stoner]

Jen,
My husband and I were recently talking and we wondered if we were given the chance to have just one day relived in our lives, what would it be? I chose the day after Marah was born. For it was that day that some of the shock wore off and I remember just admiring her little body and spending time holding her. I wish more than anything to have that one day back to hold her sweet body. Which day would I NEVER want to relive? Just the day before that when I found out her heart was stilled and all the pain that accompanied it.

[Tammy]

Jen~
Thinking and holding you in thought and prayers. Please try to remember Jen, your beautiful Hannah feels no more pain~ I don't believe she wants you to carry that pain either. But, as a parent... that is what we do. I pray in time you will find courage to open up and talk about this day that hurts you so deeply, but you are the only one who can determine when that time will be. Just know we will be your rock... if and when that time comes for you. ((big hugs))
Thinking of you Hannah, with much love~

[Jessi Hill]

Thinking of you today and hoping your day is peaceful... Hannah would want you to find peace. Tammy is right, she is no longer in pain and would not want you to be either. Hold on to the beautiful memories of her, and try to forget the terrible ones. (easier said than done I know!) We are here for you anytime you need someone... (((((HUGS))))) to you and your family.

[Jen Eagan]

I believe Hannah was with me today. I have a story...

My watch battery died a little over a month ago. I don't know which day and that's not really all that relevant anyway. Anyhow, I asked "santa" to fix my watch for Christmas by getting me a new battery. "Santa" forgot- but he did bring me a pair of shoes that didn't fit (and were frankly quite "mannish" and ugly). I felt too tired all week to get around to taking them back, but this morning my mom showed up at my house (very out of the blue) and I felt the need to get out, so we went to take the shoes back. On my way out the door it occurred to me that I should get my watch fixed while we were out. We had 2 other places to go (the shoes weren't the only thing to take back but the only thing relevant to the story) so I figured ONE of the places would have a watch battery place. So- I took the shoes back and right next to the return counter was the cheap jewelry counter. So I'm browsing over the $6 jewelry and I see a sign "watch batteries replaced in fine jewelry department". So I wander over to fine jewelry and there's no line so I go up to the counter and give them my watch. While I'm waiting, I look down at the glass case I'm standing by and there are these beautiful agate necklaces with mothers and babies and angels and stuff. I'd always wanted one of those but never got one. I really felt like Hannah wanted me to get one of these. But I couldn't decide which one. One of them was a locket that was a mother holding a baby and I eventually decided on that one and then when she went to ring it up she found another one in the drawer and brought it out to show me- it was an angel on a locket- to me it looks like she's praying but my mom says it looks like she's holding a tiny baby. So my mom started crying right there in the store and I'm trying to hold it together and I knew that was the one. So I got it. I never buy anything for myself EVER but I really felt like I was supposed to have this. Like- if the shoes had fit or my husband had gotten my watch fixed for me, I would have never been led to this counter in this store (I almost never shop at this store and have NEVER been to their jewelry department), I wouldn't have found the necklace, and today of all days.

Anyway- now I will be looking for a picture of her to put in my locket so I can feel her close to my heart always.


So- just thought I'd share that.

[Jessi Hill]

Very neat!!!!! I am glad you were able to find the beautiful necklace and I am SURE Hanah had a LOT to do with it and left you the "trail" to follow to it. It is funny how our little angels work!!!

[Sarah O'Neal]

Awe....!!! Post a pic of the locket........I am so sorry Jen. I hope she is with my Teegie.

[Jen Eagan]

Sarah- I have been thinking of you soooo much. Even though I don't post much because it's hard to say the "right" thing... but... I'm sure she is. Maybe Hannah met her the first day she got there and took her hand and said "hi I know who you are, our mom's are friends, here let me take you to meet all our friends". Did Teegie like music? Hannah loved music. Funny enough, Garth Brooks was her favorite. I think it's because he was her first concert (when I was pregnant). :)

I'll try to get a pic. I don't even want to take it off! LOL.

[Jen Eagan]

Here's the necklace. I wasn't using a zoom lens so this is the best I could do for the moment. I think the angel's hands are empty but my mom swears she sees a baby. I guess we see what we need to see. if that's a baby it's a 20 weeker if I ever saw one...

[Tammy]

Your locket necklace (from your daughter) is beautiful Jen. I believe this necklace was a gift from your Hannah~ to her mommy.
I'm the same way... I hardly ever buy things for myself either, but I want to get either a mother's ring with all my children's birth stones or some sort of necklace too. Maybe when the time is right, Chase will lead me in the right direction.
Thank you for sharing with us. ((many hugs))

[Karla]

Jen,

I am so happy you found the locket, now you can feel Hannah close to your heart. I wish I could get my locket so I can put my little Cydney Paige close to my heart also! Well maybe Hannah was also saying that Mom should treat herself now and then so when you wear her close to your heart, you can both go shopping together! I hope that by now you have found a picture and have put it in!

Love and peace
Karla

[Jen Eagan]

Thanks Karla and Tammy. It was funny- I just could see her 8 years old- hands and face pressed up against the glass and saying "you should get one, mommy!" I have never visualized her at her current age until just then. She had always been that tiny baby. But that day she was 8 and like you said Karla- she was shopping with me! It felt wonderful- but for some reason now I miss her so much- almost more than ever!!

[Rayna']

that is very sweet...

[Kamie]

Oh Jen,

I believe things happen for a reason, what ever the reason my guess is your angel in heaven is with you.

What an awesome story.

[tinantravis]

Beautiful story about the necklace...touched my heart and gives hope. Thanks for sharing.

[marylouise]

And "they" say there are no miracels!
Hugs,
Mary Louise