My sister's response

[Rayna']

I emailed my sister today telling her that I am taking off of work the next two days because Thursday is the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. This is the response I get:

I dont think its a good idea staying home by yourself. Its never a good idea. When I went to my divorce hearing, I went back to work, though it was hard and I cried, I knew it was better for me to stay at work and have company w/ me and keep busy. Maybe you need to change your work position. It seems like you dont have much to do and so you think about your downs and get upset about it. Been there , done that.You need not to focus so much on what has happened. I know its hard but you got to let it go. You need to let go about the months and anniversaries about the situation. Its so not healthy. At least you didnt have a child that was born and had "memories" of him or her. Please dont take my message in a negative way. Im just trying to help.


I love her to death, but she just doesn't understand. I've asked her several times to read my blog because that is the way I've really been expressing everything I have been going through. So this is what I wrote back:



I am not taking your messages in a negative way because (like most people) you truly don’t understand what I’ve been through this year. I don’t want to stay at work tomorrow because I am not close to people on my floor & I don’t want them to hear me wail. Melody plans on coming over since she doesn’t work. I have stuff to do at work most of the time, I just don’t feel like doing it.

I LOST 2 BABIES THAT I WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. Nobody can tell me how to grieve or when to let “it” go. I really wish you would read my blogs to get some kind of clue of what I’ve been going through. Everytime someone tells me to “move on” or “put it in the past” it is like they are stabbing me in the heart. I know people mean well, but it doesn’t help me at all. It just makes me more depressed & hopeless. When you finally told me you got to divorced & you were still grieving it, I don’t remember telling you to let it go. I’ve never been in your situation so I don’t think I said much other than I’m sorry.

I am trying my best to be strong for my little family, but I still have my bad days to where I just want people to listen, not tell me what to do. I don’t just sit here & dwell on things. My heart is still broken & I need more time to heal. I also have postpartum depression which is something else I can not control.

Seriously please take the time tonight & read my blogs. Once Rob read them it seems like he understood me more & stopped saying the wrong things.

[Kamie]

Rayna,

When my son Nathan passed away he was 11 years old, and Christopher, I was 6 months along when labor started.

I found a group called Compassionate Friends. It's a group just for parents that have lost a child or in our case, children.

Please seek them out for your sake, as well as your husband. You can yell, scream get mad, and everybody know what you’re going through. Some members have been in the group a long time, others only a few months or weeks.

That “first year” of all the first hurts, Warm sunny days, birthdays, driving by the park, going out to eat as a family, all the holidays, catching myself laughing and or smiling, even enjoying a private moment with my husband made me feel so much guilt. It all hurts.

I know first hand what those days are like and your right, nobody knows! It seems like our families are the ones that want us to move on, and quickly My mom was like that, although she meant well the things she was saying hurt the most.

Please seek a group out in your area you will be amazed on how well this will help.

God bless you,

Kamie

[Deb Stoner]

Rayna, Have you seen The Bereaved Parents Wish List on this site? I think it is under the Parents and Family section. This list has been helpful to send to parents and friends so they can better understand.

[Rayna']

thanks Kamie- I will look into that group. I am so sorry for your losses.

Deb- no haven't seen it. I just recently started posting more on this side of the forum instead just the photographer's side. I guess with NILMDTS I experience both sides- being the photographer & being a grieving parent. I will look at the wish list.

I did have a few more emails after the one I posted above with my sister. She's just worried about me & has agreed to look at my blog to get a better understanding of what I'm going through. She is a dear sister & we never fight. It's just hard to understand something you've never experienced.

[Tasha Nicholls]

Thinking of you today, Rayna...

*HUGS*

[Jennifer Harder-Finley]

I agree wholeheartedly about finding a support group. When my husband died six years ago, our 4 young children and I joined a support group called "The Cove...a safe harbor for grieving children and their parents". The children went with counselors for play and crafts therapy. The adults went and talked about whatever we needed to talk about. There was an "angry room" set aside to release feelings that needed to come out. The children could throw a stuffed animal around or lay on a mat and kick and scream. We were taught that it's okay to grieve in our own way and get out whatever feelings needed to get out. We didn't need to apologize for our sadness or despair. That group was good for all of us. If we still lived there, I think we would still attend.

I don't work on the anniversary. This year I made an exception because an emergency came up and I regretted it. I relive the events of that day knowing each hour what was happening. It is so fresh in my mind without even trying for it to be. I don't try to hold onto the pain, but it's there because it happened. I can embrace what I have learned from it. And I can help others through their pain, whatever it may be.

It is very typical for a person who has gone through any traumatic experience to strongly grieve for a full year. Your babies are a part of your heart, no matter how long they were with you. Life starts in the womb. You loved them and you deserve to mourn the loss of their lives and the memories that you lost out on. A scripture that still brings me great comfort is "Blessed are they that mourn". The Lord knows your pain and he will bless you. He promised that and he always keeps his promises.

[Deb Stoner]

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/index.cfm?PAGE_ID=126&EXPAND=126
Breaved Parents Wish List

[Catherine Colgan]

If you don't mind unsolicited advice, I will tell you that from my experience sometimes it is just better to say, "Thank you for your concern," and move past the insensitive things people say. If it is like beating your head against a brick wall to get them to understand, then it's just not worth it. IF there is a chance that you might give them some helpful insight (that they might actually comprehend), then tell them the truth...how what they say makes you feel. But after a while, if the same person can't understand what you're saying, then you just need to focus on yourself and not worry about whether they get it or not. Remember that they love you and they, not having been in your situation, don't know what it's like. Forgive them their ignorance and envy their naivete (If only it were as simple as just "moving past it.").

You do what YOU need to do. Don't let anyone dictate to you how you should handle your grief. It is an individual thing...and what works for some might not work for others. As long as you are not hurting yourself or your family, then you need to process your grief however it will work for you.

Most importantly, know that there are people who do understand. And we support you and wish you peace.

{{{hugs}}}

[careyayn22]

I am so sorry she was so insensetive. My mom, who I love dearly, said to me, a week after my son's death, that maybe I needed to get on antidepressents (becuase I told her I didn't care what I got for Christmas...somewhat angrily) and because I was so quiet. Um, OK....but I recently realized something, which she confirmed in a recent discussion. I could have died in the situation that I was in, and although she was so sad to lose a grandchild, she could not imagine going on after losing me, her child. Being a mom, I understand where she is coming from, and it helps me a little to see WHERE the comments are at least coming from.

...and so with that long story, I think these words, that are insensetive, come from somewhere deep and scary. She is scared for you. Worried about you/ It doesn't make the words Ok, but it does help to understand where they come from.

...but who knows....I am recently grieving myself and this is all new to me.