Rough day.

[Jen Eagan]

Today was a tough one for me. Seven years ago today, the day before my angel passed, was the most horrifyingly traumatic and gutwrenching day I have ever experienced in my life. The events of that day are still difficult for me to even think about, much less talk about. I can talk about Hannah. I can appreciate her life and the gifts she gave and the things she taught me. I can even appreciate the things her death brought into my life. The things that happened this day though- I still can't appreciate, nor get past. They haunt me, creep up out of nowhere and turn me into a puddle on the floor. I was driving down the freeway this afternoon, and on the radio came the song "Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney. This song normally touches me, but I usually manage to not let it get to me too much. But today- I couldn't stop it. Today it just hurts, and as much as I appreciate the kids I have and the life I have- probably none of which I would have were it not for Hannah- today I would give my life to go back to that day and stop those most horrible things from happening. I know Scott had talked about having guilt. I have this guilt too- I know I couldn't have stopped her from dying- but I could have stopped it from being so horrible. The last thing my child ever felt was pain and terror, and I should have stopped it- but they wouldn't let me. I don't see how I'm ever supposed to heal from that. I can't even enjoy the few good memories I have of her, because of this one awful horrible day. I know I need to stop torturing myself- I just don't know how. She was my baby girl and I was supposed to protect her and I failed her when she needed me most- and then she died.

Here are a few pictures of her. They aren't the greatest, but they're all I've got. The one in the mirror, in the purple, was taken Dec 27th, the day we went back to the hospital. 3 days before she was gone. She went from acting fine in the morning to difficulty breathing by late afternoon to ICU by midnight. I wish you could see her hair better in these. Towards the end, her hair had turned blonde at the roots, so she had this dark dark 2 inch long hair with inch long blonde roots. Everyone thought we'd dyed her hair. She was born with tons of hair. None of my other kids had so much hair. To this day it's hard for me to photograph a newborn with big hair.

Anyway- thanks for listening-looking. These are in kind of random order- but at least you can see her. The one with me holding her standing was at 2 months, the one with the white background was at 3.5 months- just weeks before her diagnosis and less than a month before her first heart attack. The two in the hospital were at about 4 months- and the last one (in the mirror) was at 5 months 1 week. There are about 5 from that afternoon- the last photos we have of her.

[Tammy]

Jen, My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm so very sorry for your loss of Hannah, she's a beautiful and precious little angel. I don't think there is anything I can say to take away the pain you are feeling at this time, I really wish there was. Just know there are people who care, and know I am one of those people....
{{{ hugs }}}
Tammy

[Jen Eagan]

Thanks, Tammy. I really appreciate that.
These are some of my favorite photos of her. I love the white one because we used to comb her hair straight up. We'd joke- "if you got it, flaunt it!" Really it just looked funny laying down, so we'd up it as much as we could. That one with her daddy is very special, like they were just having a moment. One thing, since we had the warning she was going to die, we did take TONS of photos of her. Even though most of them were not great quality, we have a whole album full, because we knew we'd have to squeeze a whole lifetime of photos into a few months. The low quality of these photos is exactly why I studied to become a photographer, and most certainly why I joined this group.

[Kirk Kief]

And we are all so blessed to have you with us. I too wish there was a 'magic phrase' that we could say that would take away the pain. but, of course, there's not. Just remember that we are here, and you have a new family among us!

[Tammy]

As I mentioned in my testimonial, and I can't stress it enough the profession of photography is so profound, and I feel in my heart that this profession has a whole new meaning, especially in such traumatic circumstances as the loss of a child. You capture very precious moments in a family's life, in happy times as well as in sad times. I truly admire each and every one of you and the gift you have. Thank you for doing what you do best.
Jen- I think it's wonderful that you chose to become a professional photographer. Kind of a tribute to your little girl Hannah. I know that should the time come for you to be called for a nilmdts baby, the images you capture for the families will be utterley amazing. I'm sure it will be very very difficult but I also believe Hannah will be your inspiration, and she will be there with you in your heart. You will just know what images to capture.
I am blessed with the images I have of Chase, I only wish I had a few more. I am thankful for what I have.

[Jen Eagan]

Tammy, I already did one- baby Seraphine's photos are posted. It was difficult, she felt like Hannah. She also had big hair.

Doing a little better today. Thanks.

[Scott Hays]

Jen,
Since I wrote about the guilt, I've been talking about it to people, and it feels like a load has been lifted. I think the thing that has helped me most has been that i have been talking to Lindsey. Sounds strange I know. I've talked to my wife finally, I've talked to myself over and over, I've just talked out loud about it. To actually talk about the guilt has really helped me in ways I never thought possible. That's just me. It may not work for everyone.
I'm so happy that you had the opportunity to spend time with that beautiful little girl. She looks so precious. I know it's hard right now, and I am thinking about you and your family tonight. No amount of words from my mouth can take the guilt away, but maybe the words from your mouth can be a start. It's a hard step to take Jen. Give it some thought. I'm here for you, as are a whole lot of people who will listen, and do just that, listen.

BLess you all
Scott

[Sandy "Sam" Puc']

Jen,
What an incredible baby. Her hair was magnificent! You are so courageous to share your story. It must be so hard to open up and release all of the pain that you must feel.
I am so humbled by all of you who have lost a child and are still willing to do this work. Although I also suffered a loss at 5.5 months, my story was very different. I cannot imagine the pain that you all must have gone thru holding your precious little ones and saying good-bye.
To be able share your stories and help other families go thru the same pain makes you all hero's in my book.

Hugs to you all,
Sam

[Cheryl Haggard]

Jen,
Your daughter is just beautiful. I bet you went crazy with the bows...
People say to me all the time, if there was something they could do to take away the pain...But the pain is part of me, part of my memories with Maddux, and will always be. It's just trying to manage it, that is the hard part. I look at women like you, that have experienced the loss of a child in their life, with a new outlook. If you can manage to cope somehow, and continue on, then there is hope for the rest of us. Thank you Jen, for being part of NILMDTS, and through your experience and grief, being there to help other families in their darkest hours, bring light into their lives. I hope that, like Scott, by being part of this support group, you are able to work through more of your grief, with all of us. You know that we are all here for you, and eachother...
I wish you much joy and peace in the new year.
Blessings,
Cheryl

[Angela B]

Jen all I can say is she's beautiful and I believe you will be able to somewhat heal through helping others ,I know there isn't anything anyone can say to make your pain go away but I will be praying for you to have better days .Glad you are a part of this group

[Deb Stoner]

Hi Jen, I read your story a while ago, even posted a reply. Then I took it off. It didn't sound right. I'm not sure what is right. I've gone through a loss, so you'd think I'd be better at this.
First of all, Hannah is precious. Her hair was wild-just like I like it. She would have loved the 80's era! ha I'm so glad that you got to spend time with her..parent her. What a gift for you AND her. I hear you about the guilt...not in the same way, but there is guilt for me also. I don't know how we move through that. I wish there was some kind of magic answer. As many times as my Dr and husband tell me that Marah's death was not my fault, I still feel that I could have saved her. If only I would have paid more attention to her fetal movements, I could have gotten to the hospital faster and maybe something could have been done. Instead, I was enjoying myself and worrying about cooking Christmas dinner and making sure the house was clean. The guilt consumes me to this day.
I am glad we have this site-sometimes "friends" don't want to hear about our babies any more or I can see the look coming. I'll tell you that I will never tire of hearing about Hannah, never stop listening to your story or concerns and never stop hoping that ALL of us heal. Know that I'm sending you some energy from Ohio and a big hug. Wish we could meet--I'm great at crying over coffee--or better yet-a glass of wine! ha ;)

[Andrea Hillis]

Jen, she is beautiful.

A.