I miss my baby boy

[Mike Buckley]

I want to thank Scott Hays for inspiring me to write about my son. Christopher passed away 6 mos ago after an 11 mo. battle with a horrible disease. He was 11 mos. old and fought like a tiger. The doctors thought he wouldn't last 3 mos but he smiled for his Mommy & Daddy every day during his ordeal. I guess I am not the "typical" man when it comes to grieving. I cry like a baby when his memories overwhelm me. All the what ifs? I feel so guilty for not getting him Miami sooner!! He was on the waiting list for a small bowel transplant at Pittsburg Childrens Hospital. The best in the world for his type of transplant. Their average wait for organs was 10 mos. I found out much too late that Miami's average wait was only 2 mos!! How could I have missed this? I did so much research!! But, these are not made public yet my oldest son's pediatric GI was the one who told me!! I guess what I am trying to say is that lack of knowledge on my part is tearing me up inside. I know I didn't cause my son's death but I can't come to terms with this yet. I really believe that corresponding with those understand my loss is going to help me. I have to try. Thanks for letting me vent.
Sincerely yours, Mike Buckley

[marylouise]

Mike,
My heart goes out to you and your family. Please don't beat yourself up. Sometimes there are no answers and we need to beleive that God had a bigger plan for Christopher.
Please take care of yourself and family, you're in my prayers.
Hugs,
Mary Louise

[Mike Buckley]

Mary Louise, Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to do my best for my family but some days I feel like a total failure. I am also very new at expressing my feelings to people that I have never met, but I haven't had much success with people who I know and love either. Most mean well but it always ends up awkward for me or them. I will keep trying because I can't forget ( nor do I want to ) Christopher. I just have to find a way to live with him gone. Thank you for the prayers. Mike Buckley

[Art]

Mike, there is no right or wrong way to grieve; I hope that you can find peace and know that you did everything in your power to help Christopher. Hindsight is 20/20, but the only thing you can do with that vision is to learn from it. Allowing information (which you learned about too late) to beat you up is destructive, I'm sure you know. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours...

[Rayna']

thank you for sharing

[Tammy]

Mike,
I admire your strength and courage in sharing your baby Christopher's story. Thank you for giving us the privilege to know about your precious son. I think we can all relate in one way or another on how difficult it is to talk with the people closest to us about our loss, how it rips us apart inside as we put on a "front" so others don't see our pain.
The thing is, you need to have people to confide in, people who can understand. Sometimes, it may be easier to talk with people "you don't know" but can share in your grief, as we all do here.
Christopher knows he is dearly loved, and always will be. Try not to let the "what should have beens" tear you a part... I know that is easier said than done... give yourself the time you need to grieve... you have that right.
Please know should you need an extra shoulder or two...or... (how ever many members we have now) you will find them here.
Thoughts and prayers~
Tammy

[Diane Davis]

Mike,
Though I have not lost a child, I have had a child with a birth defect as well as worked with many families.

The "what if's" will drive you crazy, just be aware they are part of the process. There is not a parent in the world that hasn't felt them when something is not perfect with their child.

Don't be afraid to grieve. And know that all the feelings, including failure, are normal. Just keep feeling-- everything. That is the secret of getting through it.

My prayers are with you.

[Lori Clapp]

Mike, I can't even imagine how hard it was to lose your baby at 11 mos. I hope you find lots of help on this forum. I admire the people here who aren't afraid to share how they feel.

Diane - hey it's nice to meet up with you on another forum!

[Mike Buckley]

Mike, there is no right or wrong way to grieve; I hope that you can find peace and know that you did everything in your power to help Christopher. Hindsight is 20/20, but the only thing you can do with that vision is to learn from it. Allowing information (which you learned about too late) to beat you up is destructive, I'm sure you know. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours...

Art, Thank you for the kind words. I know my guilty thoughts are self destuctive and I'm trying to find a way to rid myself of them. It's just so darn hard. I tell myself all the time that getting the transplant was never a guarantee. In all likelyhood he would not have survived 5 years but oh how I wanted them! Thanks for writing.

Mike

[Mike Buckley]

thank you for sharing

Thank for listening. Mike

[Mike Buckley]

Mike,
I admire your strength and courage in sharing your baby Christopher's story. Thank you for giving us the privilege to know about your precious son. I think we can all relate in one way or another on how difficult it is to talk with the people closest to us about our loss, how it rips us apart inside as we put on a "front" so others don't see our pain.
The thing is, you need to have people to confide in, people who can understand. Sometimes, it may be easier to talk with people "you don't know" but can share in your grief, as we all do here.
Christopher knows he is dearly loved, and always will be. Try not to let the "what should have beens" tear you a part... I know that is easier said than done... give yourself the time you need to grieve... you have that right.
Please know should you need an extra shoulder or two...or... (how ever many members we have now) you will find them here.
Thoughts and prayers~
Tammy

Tammy, Thank your find kind words. Christopher is may favorite subject as crazy as that may sound and I love to talk about him. It is easy to just write about him and my feelings without wondering if I am making anyone uncomfortable. I wouldn't want anyone to be in that position. I guess I may end up writing about him more than I ever imagined. Thanks again. Mike

[Mike Buckley]

Mike,
Though I have not lost a child, I have had a child with a birth defect as well as worked with many families.

The "what if's" will drive you crazy, just be aware they are part of the process. There is not a parent in the world that hasn't felt them when something is not perfect with their child.

Don't be afraid to grieve. And know that all the feelings, including failure, are normal. Just keep feeling-- everything. That is the secret of getting through it.

My prayers are with you.

Thank you for your prayers and I hope all is well with your child. I remember near the end a doctor in the PICU was telling me that Christopher has sufferred brain damage due to a bleed and they didn't know what effect it would have on his future should he actually receive his transplant. I also remember telling the doctor I could care less as long as he knew his Mommy & Daddy loved him and I could make him smile. I will pray for your child and your family. Thanks for writing. Mike

[Mike Buckley]

Mike, I can't even imagine how hard it was to lose your baby at 11 mos. I hope you find lots of help on this forum. I admire the people here who aren't afraid to share how they feel.

Diane - hey it's nice to meet up with you on another forum!

Thank you for thinking of Christopher. I am so glad I at least I had those 11 mos. We has some wonderful days together. His smile was so crooked it was beautiful! My heart goes out the Moms & Dads who never even had 11 days. Mike

[Diane Davis]

Mike,
You are so generous to share your prayers in this difficult time. My daughter is doing well. Thank you.

I can't even imagine your grief. Please keep sharing about Christopher and his crooked smile and all of those day you did have. We would love hearing all you have to share.

[Scott Hays]

Mike,
I'm glad that my posts were able to help. Thank you for the e-mail by the way.
I have no way of even knowing what you're going through, and for me to even begin to tell you how to feel or how not to feel would be, well, I couldn't begin to do it. What I can tell you, is to continue to cry when you need to, there isn't a thing wrong with it. I'd rather see you doing that now, than to hold it in, and 20 years from now, be trying to work your way through it. Continue to write about your little guy. If nothing else in a journal. I know I talk to Lindsey almost every day still. That's now 20 years later. DON'T be afraid to go talk to someone (professionally). When you are torn up by the grief that you are going through, it will help. It took me a long time to talk about my little angel, and when I finally started talking to my therapist about her, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Mike, it's going to take some time. Cheryl, Tammy, and all the parents here will tell you that it will have seemed like they wanted the world to go away, and they would swear up and down that the pain was never going to go away. Well, that pain is hard to let go of. There is no time line for it. It's like all of a sudden you wake up one day, and the pain is lessoned by a huge degree. You all of a sudden start to think of your little guy in a positive light. Things start looking a little brighter. But understand that you will go through those grieving processes. Don't try to rush them.

Mike, write when ever you want. Drop me another line, and I'll send you back my phone number, and we can talk.

My family and I are thinking of you. Keep talking and writing.
Scott

[marylouise]

Mike,
I agree with Scott. In your journal you can write to Christopher.
Prayers and hugs,
Mary Louise

[Karla]

Mike,

I have just started reading your posts. I so very sorry for your loss. I know your pain, every bit of it. I have stood in your shoes and still do. Please know that we are all here, we know how you feel. Please continue to posts all your thoughts, vent as much as you want to. Scott Hays is right and I pray everyday that my husband could be inspired to talk or write about his feelings for our daughter. It helps, it really does give you a warm feeling to know that you can express your most searing pain and no one will think any different of you. One of the things I want to do most is to give all the people around me a grieving person's wish list, but I do not want to step on any toes. I feel that it takes so much from us to bear with the wellmeant, but insensitive things that are said to us. I have found so much release from dropping what I am doing to rush over to the computer, login to nilmdts and write down what comes into my mind.

I am so so very sorry that you, your wife and Thomas has to go through this.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Winston, Karla and Willie and angel Cydney Paige.

[Charlene Lopez]

Mike, I'm so glad you found us here to talk with. It can be hard to talk to people you know at times. Sometimes they don't react the way we need them to. I have found in some cases that friends become strangers and strangers become friends, I'm sure you've heard that before, but it's really true. It's hard, but say what you need to say and feel what you need to feel, but those people close to you care about you and will understand. Those of us here on the forum are always here so this is a safe place to visit anytime.

Writing is a great way to express your feelings and just 'let it out'! I write about my son and I write letters to my son from time to time. I keep them in a memory box.

The guilt you are feeling is perfectly normal, you need to feel it as part of your healing process. You'll soon realize, that you did the best you could. As a parent, you want to protect your child from all things harmful, but, there was another plan for him and I hope you will be able to find peace with that someday.

You are obviously a wonderful father to care so deeply.

[tinantravis]

Mike-
I think we can all relate to the guilt in some way. I STILL think about the decision we made not give Isaiah help with breathing after he was born and that we made the decision to induce only four days after finding out his condition (even though my health was in jeopardy). Now I think, "so what if my health was in jeopardy...oh, what I would do for just another hour to feel him kicking around in my belly!" Somedays I feel selfish and so naive about the whole thing, wishing I would have had more time. But, then I wonder...would it have made a difference? God's plan for Isaiah was to bless us with 32 weeks in the womb, an hour in our arms, and a lifetime of hope that we will meet him again. He walked his path and for that, I have to be thankful.
Best Wishes,
Tina

[Jen Eagan]

Mike-
I can't believe I just found this now. Our stories have some strong similarities and I have carried a lot of the same "what if" guilt around with me for the past 8 years. I try not to torture myself with it but sometimes it gets the better of me and that's exactly what it is. But like you- I would not have traded a moment of the precious time I did have, and even with an unknown future- Hannah had also had a stroke and was partially blind and would never be "normal"- I was willing to love every moment I had with her- no matter how she was.
Still can't talk about some of it- too hard.
Thinking of you.

Jen

[Scott Hays]

MIke,
I've been MIA for the last week or so, but thought I'd drop by to say hi and see how you and yours are doing right now. I'm sure it isn't really any easier yet, and probably won't be for awhile to come. I remember the times that I felt like I was getting over losing Lindsey, then something would happen, and all that grief would come back. Ok, if it isn't happening to you, hopefully it won't, but if it does, it's a normal thing, it will probably happen over the next year or so. Sometimes longer. It's part of the process Mike.
I've thought about you so many times lately. It isn't that i don't think of the other parents, but I think since I've now met another father, it really makes me remember that there are other fathers out there. I know there are, but until I talk to them, it's almost like we aren't real. I fall into the same trap that we, as fathers, fall into all the time. A lot of the time we're supposed to be the great supporter, and people tend to forget we've had a loss as well. I'm here to tell you that I haven't forgotten about you, or any other father. I feel your pain.
Let me know how things are going. Look forward to hearing from you.

Take Care
Scott