Mike Buckley
02-06-2007, 03:22 PM
Christopher left me 7 mos. ago to the day. Almost to the hour in fact. He didn't just leave me. He left us all but I was holding him as his Mommy rushed in just in time to clutch him for herself. She had needed a fast 2 min. shower as we had been up for a couple of days and I told her don't worry he won't leave without you here.
I relive these painful memories on many occasions but today seems to have a different feel to them. Our oldest son, Thomas, who is 2 1/2, was born with kidneys slightly larger than normal. As parents for the first time we were mortified and got him to the best specialist in the area at Yale Children's Hospital. After numerous tests the doctor determined that Thomas' kidneys were fine and we should just have him checked now and again. He scheduled the next ultrasound 2 years down the road.
Today, on Christopher's 7 mo. anniversary, we had to go to Yale again for the first time since Christopher left there to go to Miami. While we were waiting for Tommy's routine checkup my wife asked if I remembered coming here the first time? I replied that I did but only because of my fear for my son's well being. My wife remembered for a different reason. Christopher was kicking up a storm inside her and that was the day she found out Thomas was fine and all was well in our little corner of the world.
Our little world was rocked 4 mos. later and then changed forever 11 mos. after that. I am sorry for losing my train of thought. It happens a lot, please bear with me. It was very hard on me to go to Yale today. Christopher lived there for the first 9 mos. of his life. I would take him for strolls around the 6th floor when he was off his TPN. He loved that. I can still feel his lips kissing my cheek and his little neck straining to pick his head up so he could see over my shoulder. He never cried during these walks so I knew he loved them. My wife was the strong one who had far more of these walks than me but I remember all of mine. She never missed a day except for the days they banished her due to a couple of flus she caught. It was a very sick floor and kids lives were in jeopardy. Heck, it was the only they were keeping her out of there. I did more of the fact checking work, numerous phone calls, fighting with insurance co. policy, consulting with specialists and babysitting Thomas who they wouldn't up to the floor because of his age. Maybe this is why I feel so much guilt. I wish I would have done more. But I know I freed up his Mommy's time for him.
Normally, I have no problem with bringing up Christopher's memory or looking at his personal effects in a special box or "anything" that pertains to him. To quote Cheryl Haggard ( I think ) " After all, he is my favorite subject" I watch my NILMDTS slideshow on a regular basis. But today, I couldn't up to the 6th floor at Yale. My wife wanted to go see his nurses and thank them for all that they did for Christopher. I froze! I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it and I wasn't going to do it. I did not express these feelings to my wife but I said I would take Thomas to the car and wait for her. I told her to take as much time as she wanted and to give my regards to all the staff. I don't know why I couldn't see that floor or more exactly, his room but I couldn't. My wife opted not to go and we just didn't talk about it afterward. I hope I didn't ruin it for her but I couldn't do it. There, I said it. I have no idea why I couldn't face it. I miss my son so much. It is killing me inside. Especially today. Christopher must have been there today though. His brother's kidneys are of normal size now and Thomas pointed to the waterfall on the first floor and said OOOHHHH!!!! It was where we had our first picture taken with all of us together. Christopher and Thomas were looking at each other for the first time ever. Both smiling at another. It hangs on our wall today. i love you, Christopher.
Love Always, Daddy, Mommy & Thomas
I relive these painful memories on many occasions but today seems to have a different feel to them. Our oldest son, Thomas, who is 2 1/2, was born with kidneys slightly larger than normal. As parents for the first time we were mortified and got him to the best specialist in the area at Yale Children's Hospital. After numerous tests the doctor determined that Thomas' kidneys were fine and we should just have him checked now and again. He scheduled the next ultrasound 2 years down the road.
Today, on Christopher's 7 mo. anniversary, we had to go to Yale again for the first time since Christopher left there to go to Miami. While we were waiting for Tommy's routine checkup my wife asked if I remembered coming here the first time? I replied that I did but only because of my fear for my son's well being. My wife remembered for a different reason. Christopher was kicking up a storm inside her and that was the day she found out Thomas was fine and all was well in our little corner of the world.
Our little world was rocked 4 mos. later and then changed forever 11 mos. after that. I am sorry for losing my train of thought. It happens a lot, please bear with me. It was very hard on me to go to Yale today. Christopher lived there for the first 9 mos. of his life. I would take him for strolls around the 6th floor when he was off his TPN. He loved that. I can still feel his lips kissing my cheek and his little neck straining to pick his head up so he could see over my shoulder. He never cried during these walks so I knew he loved them. My wife was the strong one who had far more of these walks than me but I remember all of mine. She never missed a day except for the days they banished her due to a couple of flus she caught. It was a very sick floor and kids lives were in jeopardy. Heck, it was the only they were keeping her out of there. I did more of the fact checking work, numerous phone calls, fighting with insurance co. policy, consulting with specialists and babysitting Thomas who they wouldn't up to the floor because of his age. Maybe this is why I feel so much guilt. I wish I would have done more. But I know I freed up his Mommy's time for him.
Normally, I have no problem with bringing up Christopher's memory or looking at his personal effects in a special box or "anything" that pertains to him. To quote Cheryl Haggard ( I think ) " After all, he is my favorite subject" I watch my NILMDTS slideshow on a regular basis. But today, I couldn't up to the 6th floor at Yale. My wife wanted to go see his nurses and thank them for all that they did for Christopher. I froze! I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it and I wasn't going to do it. I did not express these feelings to my wife but I said I would take Thomas to the car and wait for her. I told her to take as much time as she wanted and to give my regards to all the staff. I don't know why I couldn't see that floor or more exactly, his room but I couldn't. My wife opted not to go and we just didn't talk about it afterward. I hope I didn't ruin it for her but I couldn't do it. There, I said it. I have no idea why I couldn't face it. I miss my son so much. It is killing me inside. Especially today. Christopher must have been there today though. His brother's kidneys are of normal size now and Thomas pointed to the waterfall on the first floor and said OOOHHHH!!!! It was where we had our first picture taken with all of us together. Christopher and Thomas were looking at each other for the first time ever. Both smiling at another. It hangs on our wall today. i love you, Christopher.
Love Always, Daddy, Mommy & Thomas