So if you had to pinpoint the worst of it

[Sarah O'Neal]

:( when would it be? This week, has kicked my arse.

[Jen Eagan]

Sarah- are you talking about the grieving process? In my experience there is no pinpointable spot for the "worst". Immediately after is so much shock and busy planning a service and making arrangements. Then "real life" starts for everyone except you. I would think that was the worst but really the worst part of that was my anger at everyone else- like- "who told the sun to rise today?" and "don't you know it's not ok to laugh in front of me!?" The real awful parts would just hit out of the blue, weeks, months, even years later. A song, something on tv, driving by someplace special, finding something in a box... who knows what might trigger it. A few years ago I for some reason was constantly dwelling on her last day- the agony she went through. I tortured myself with it. I was ready to go insane. As much as I couldn't afford to not remember any of her little life- I really try not to think about that day, as that is my major trigger for a mental "episode".
I am sorry we can't help make any of this better for you Sarah. I certanly don't think 2 months is long enough to be surprised that it's still "kicking your arse".

I wish I was there to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder for real. I am sooo sorry you are hurting. If you EVER need a real voice to talk to, you can call me. 425-971-8271.

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

Jen

[marylouise]

Sarah,
I wish I could take your pain away. Your in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Mary Louise

[Cheryl Haggard]

This week has kicked my arse...
Whoever wrote or said that 'Time heals all wounds...' is an idiot.
Time is not your friend!
Time 'plays' with you.
You will be fine, and be thinking happy thoughts, returning to a somewhat 'normal' life again, and then, WHAM!!! Time catches you, when you guard is down...when you are not prepared. Then it seems you are right back to where you started from.
But, Sarah, it is important to lean on us here. We somewhat know what eachother is feeling. I had alittle melt down last night, and tried to think of who I could call...I tried Tammy, and got her machine, then tried Erica. Thankfully she was home, and just sat on the phone with me while I had my meltdown. It was either her or the kids....:(

[Cheryl Haggard]

And if I truly and honestly had to pinpoint the worst...
The days, weeks and months following.
Right now, 2years have gone by for me.
This week, I truly feel 'in Mourning.' People ask me what is wrong...
Why don't they know? That is what hurts. Especially, when only one family member has acknowledged him...
The next person that asks me what is wrong, I am simply going to say, "I am mourning the death of my son..."

[Jen Eagan]

My family doesn't acknowledge Hannah either. My mom does sometimes- like on her birthday she will say "did you get the balloons" but that's pretty much it. I dont' think anyone else even remembers her dates.

[marylouise]

Cheryl,
I know there are no words that can help.. Sending you prayers and hugs.
Mary Louise

[marylouise]

I have found alot of people can't deal with someone who is hurting and mourning the loss of a loved one. They ask how you are ,but don't really want to know the truth.They tend to think there is an acceptable time table and after that you should get on with your life. I had someone say to me" it's been six weeks why are you still so upset! , maybe you need help" Well it's been 36,23,13 and 2 years and there are days when it seems like yesterday.And all the pain comes tumbling out of the closet.
I can only think what Jesus said "forgive them for they know not what they do. "But sometimes you just want to smack them and say"what are you thinking!" Which for me is the majority of the time!

[Jen Eagan]

. I had someone say to me" it's been six weeks why are you still so upset! , maybe you need help"


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?? Unbelivable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kelly Story]

Many years have passed since I lost my little one and to be honest, it has never gotten easier. Every holiday and milestone brings back the rush of dread and bad feelings. He would be 25 right now. I was very young when he died. My next one is 21 and I still compare what she is doing to what he would be doing. I miss the relationship that my children would have had with their big brother, especially my youngest son.
My best advice is to just let the feelings come. If others have a problem with it, it's their problem. Be strong when you can, and cry when you need it.
You all are in my prayers daily.

Take care,

[Tasha Nicholls]

People ask me what is wrong...
Why don't they know? That is what hurts. Especially, when only one family member has acknowledged him...
Awwww.... I'm sorry, I can't imagine how that tears you up inside. I know it's not the same as having your close family & friends acknowledge it, but everyone here is mourning your loss, too. *HUGS*



The next person that asks me what is wrong, I am simply going to say, "I am mourning the death of my son..."
Good for you! Give them a little wake-up call!

[Heather Frackiewicz]

I may be the odd one here, but I have found that time has healed my wounds. It's been almost 8 years since we lost Nicholas, and I can think of him without crying. I still wonder what he would be like, how it would be to have triplets - but more of a curious wonder rather than a grief-filled wonder.

In my church (Eastern Orthodox) there is a set of ceremonies to do when someone dies. I find that the timing of the ceremonies fit pretty well with my stages. At 7 days you have one sort of memorial service - and the shock is over, but the deepest grief is just setting in. You don't expect them to still be there, you've gotten used to the idea - but you're also realizing how deep of a loss it is.

At 40 days, there is another memorial. I found that this was the point when life "sort of" got back to normal - the deepest grief was over, and the world was moving on. It was possible to function and do the daily routine, but the sadness was still there.

Finally, at 1 yr there is another memorial. By this time you are back to life, you still miss them and wish they were here - but you have found a way to keep going. We still remember Nicholas each year on his birthday and angel day, but it's not as sad as it used to be.

Of course this doesn't work for everyone. But I did find that my grieving pretty much coincided with that timeline.

[Sarah O'Neal]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I actually went out last night with a couple friends and THREE people asked me if we were going to have any more kids.

PSA: (Public Service Announcement)- I don't ask you about your sex life, and what your plans on procreating are...so don't ask me. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I just usually say "I can't physically or emotionally handle that question right now." I thought it pretty blunt. But I have had a few people continue on......"Oh I think you should. Your kids are too cute..." (becuase clearly...that is all that matters. Right? If you have cute kids, then by all means keep on producing more, no matter what. GRRRRRRRRRR

[Heather Lombardo]

Great response Sarah!!!!! ;) I hope your entire evening did not go this way!!!

[Jessi Hill]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I actually went out last night with a couple friends and THREE people asked me if we were going to have any more kids.

PSA: (Public Service Announcement)- I don't ask you about your sex life, and what your plans on procreating are...so don't ask me. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I just usually say "I can't physically or emotionally handle that question right now." I thought it pretty blunt. But I have had a few people continue on......"Oh I think you should. Your kids are too cute..." (becuase clearly...that is all that matters. Right? If you have cute kids, then by all means keep on producing more, no matter what. GRRRRRRRRRR

Great way to put it Sarah!!! :p I am sitting here LMAO about the last comment.... to some people that (unfortunately) is all they care about, and some people to put it bluntly just shouldn't reproduce. I wish I was this quick in thinking when someone asked me that about if we are going to keep trying.

It has been almost 4 years since I had Tristan (3-27-03 through 6-18-03) I still miss him EVERYDAY, I still have bad days, I still am not as good of a parent to my daughter as I really want to be, I wonder what he would be like if things would have been different, and I try to remind myself that he is the reason my marriage didn't fall apart and the reason I have my baby girl.... no one will ever fill that void, and I will never "get over" him or forget him and "move on" He is my firstborn and only son. So I don't think there is ever a point that is worst or best..... IT ALL SUCKS! We are not supposed to see our babies become angels. Cheryl stated it very well about how things can be fine.... and out of the blue WHAM- you are back at square one.

Cheryl... any time you need to talk you can call here also. (or anyone else for that matter) I am quite the night owl and DH works nights so when you feel out of options or in fear of waking a friend I'll be here if you need me.;)

[Cheryl Haggard]

I still am not as good of a parent to my daughter as I really want to be,
I feel this all the time. I know I am a good parent-I would even say a great parent, but am I as great as I used to be? I keep thinking about how Maddux, would have kept me 'young' not age wise, but in the heart. I don't feel 'young' anymore. Does that make sense? I feel worn out. No patience. I expect ALOT from my kids. Don't get me wrong, I am a great parent, but there is that one piece missing that keeps me from being the parent I was before Maddux. Maddux...:(

I am so upset right now at my family. My mother is the only one who acknowledged his birth, or his death. I have definitely got to giver her credit for that! Oh, you all have here, and I have alot of wonderful friends who have...But come on!!!!:mad: Not my two brothers, nor my FATHER, nor Mikes parents. What is up??? Is it too much to ask, that they simply let me know that they are thinking of HIM!!!:confused:

[Jessi Hill]

Cheryl.... That makes PERFECT sense to me. I too feel I have aged significantly, I too have gotten short on patience, and expect ALOT. It is hard because I feel like I am "shorting" my daughter... I need to stop and remind myself how special she is and how lucky we are to have her in our lives. I just want to be more to her.... Tristan had my FULL attention, but it was easier to do that when I was confined to the hospital setting.
My mom is the only one that really remembers my son's birthday and angel day... it bothers me. I even had someone tell me that they thought it would be wierd for me to tell Trinity about her brother :mad: I think she deserves to know everything.

Just know I am thinking of you and your family today... and how much of a difference you, Maddux, and NILMDTS have made in my life. You have made A wonderful organization born out of a terrible tragedy... but overall you have changed so many lives in the past 2 years- BLESS YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE!
((((((((HUGS))))))))

[Tammy]

There is at least a moment in each day, where I get an overwhelming feeling of (I don't even know what to call it...) helplessness I guess is the best word to use. Knowing I can't be in control of everything in my life. Oh sure, I put on a "good front" so others don't see the pain and anguish I really feel inside. I have been told "You have your other kids that are here to take care of. Dosen't that mean something? Don't they mean something? Don't you think you should put your energy toward them instead of dwelling on what was never ment to be?"
To me, having to sit there and take comments like that are the worst. The person who makes those comments... hurts even more. Of all people, that should be the person who understands the most, but they don't. And there is nothing I can do to change it or make them understand. Nothing....

About the "having other kids" thing... I have to share this.
An insurance agent came to my work place to discuss insurance benefits. I was asked if I had planned on having more children in the future, my response was I did not know. (keep in mind I never brought up the fact we lost our son 18 months ago) Anyway, the insurance agent kept pushing the issue of having insurance for this reason, and I would need to make a decision as soon as possible so it can go into effect because there was an 18 month waiting period...blah blah blah... There was a point where I just about said what I was thinking, but once again, as I've done many times before, I bit my lip. It seemed like we were on that subject forever... a subject I didn't want to discuss at the time, but I know the agent was only doing their job, having no knowledge of what my situation was. Had I spoke up and said something in regards to having lost Chase 18 months ago, I know the subject would have probably been dropped in a heartbeat. But what do you do in situations like that?

[Erica Stone]

Sarah, I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through. It's hard enough dealing with your reality and I'm glad you have reached out to this community. We are here to listen.

There wasn't a worse time for me (after the first few months) than any other, but I have managed to start working towards that "new normal" people talk about. The only analogy I can come up with is like addicts of all kinds say they are RECOVERING. It's a process they work at, but never really reach. You have to practice it every day, and some days will be easier than others. I don't know if it sounds trite of me to say that, but it's a concept that I can wrap my head around, you know?

I considered it a big deal when I didn't cry EVERY day, and yesterday I even went to the cemetary to visit Matthew and didn't cry! (Before I get too excited about that, I should tell you all that I did cry a bunch after Cheryl called me the other night. I cried for her and for me and for everyone else who shouldn't have to be going through any of this.) Time is not my friend either Cheryl, and I'd like to kick him in the knees. I never felt old until this happened and now I feel every tick of the clock.

As for the ignorant/insensitive comments... I think many people genuinely want to help and without real understanding simply say what they think is helpful or "insightful" or repeat some tired cliche. That's when you either tell them off, or come here and pretend to tell them off!

[Lindzy Foster]

I dont think time is going to be my friend either...as time goes by i feel like things are getting worse..its like at first i was in shock and then slowly some of the grief hit and then starting last week i feel smothered in grief and pain..just the daily what ifs are bringing me to emotional crying outbursts..wondering what we would be doing right now if Kaydence were here thinking that she would be coming home from the hospital now and on the road to recovery from her surgery..just wishing i could see her pretty eyes look at me again and hold her little hand..and missing everyday things you do with a newborn baby like the smell after you give them a bath and hearing her little coo's,on the 19th she would have been 3 months old, she would be smiling now, real smiles, i still cant sleep at night, i've tried prescription sleeping pills from my doctor they didnt work...most nights i have to cry before i can sleep..i thank god for everyone here where i can vent and speak my real feelings and wont be judged..i do have some good friends in my life who i can share these with but most people i have to hide them and be "ok" my mom is wonderful she and darin are the only people i share everything im thinking with..its amazing before Kaydence my family was never very affectionate but since we lost her we now always say i love you and hug...she changed so many lives..my brother who is in the military and spent 18 months in Baghdad came back from there a person without a lot of emotion cuz of the things he had seen but since Kaydence he has become more loving, he even goes to the cemetary and makes sure her stand and everything are "the way they should be" I have a good friend who has tried to be there for me but im having some problems talking with her, her husband is in the air force and they are stationed in germany and she calls me at least 3 times a week(i cant call her) but i feel guilty because i have been ignoring her calls, she is pregnant and i am jealous of her healthy baby...at first after Kaydence passed i was ok talking with her i think because the shock was still there but with the pain lately i just cant stand to talk with her and i feel horrible about it, its not that she talks about the baby constantly its just when im speaking to her i start thinking about her baby and start to cry...this is getting kind of long so i will stop for now, just had some things to get off my chest...thank you to everyone for listening and being here i dont know what i would do without everyone here...
Lindzy

[Jessi Hill]

Lindzy,
I think that the reaction you are having to your friend in Germany is pretty common. I swear after going through something as tragic as the loss of a baby you have "pregdar" sort of like radar.... but it makes you sense that people around you are pregnant (even if they don't show enough to be sure) After 4 years I still have some jeliousy towards people who effortlessly have a healthy baby despite their many bad habits. It just isn't fair that some of us who desire to be parents so badly and who would be wonderful parents have to lose our babies. I often prayed for infertility issues rather than letting me get pregnant then having to go through each loss...
I pray that you will at least be able to sleep soon... that knocks you down and makes you more emotional anyway. Do what you need to for now, and use your support network. I am glad your mom and hubby are there for you... that is a huge help.
((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))) to you.
You can always call if you need to talk (sometimes it is easier when you don't know someone well to share these things without feeling crazy)

[Rayna']

Hugs to everyone! Being in the "Mommies who have lost babies" club isn't very fun.:(