I am a grieving parent...what NOT to say.

[Cheryl Haggard]

I honestly must say that the support we received after the death of Maddux was overwhelming. We had only lived in our small community of Evergreen Colorado for alittle over a year and a half. Most of our support came from the parents of our childrens classmates. We even received sympathy cards from people we didn't know. Some people had to write on their card, how they knew us. All of my children also received cards from their peers and gift baskets from their classes. This support truly touched all of our hearts.

After the death of Maddux, I met many women in my community and online that shared with me their personal experiences over the death of their babies. I was shocked at some of the responses they received. I would just like to share with the family and friends of a greiving parent what NOT to say:

Don't tell me that "He was only a baby. You didn't have him for that long. Be grateful that it wasn't one of your older children." No matter how short his time was with us, doesn't make his death any less painful.

Do not say to me "That this was God's will." or "That this was meant to be."

Please don't tell me that you "know how I feel." Unless you actually have experienced the death of a baby. And if you have, share your story with me, and please be patient with me while I share mine with you. After all, he is my favorite subject.

Don't tell me that "I should count my blessings with my older children." or "I can always have another baby." The loss of this baby is real. No one can replace him.

Please don't tell me that "It's been _____ months. You should get on with your life." My life will never be the same, and why would I want it to be? I will always carry the heartache of losing my baby. There will always be an emptiness in my heart, and I will always miss him.

Don't tell me that my baby "is in a better place now, or that we have an angel in heaven." Even though I know this, I also know that my baby should be with his mommy and daddy.

And please don't tell me to "Call you if we need anything." Right now we don't know what we need. But any help you are willing to give us would be greatly appreciated.

[Deb Stoner]

You're right. Our lives will never be the same. I don't even remember how I acted before I lost Marah. It is a new reality. I read in a book that if you can visualize it, it would look like two circles. One small circle and a larger circle that encompasses the small circle. The author called it "Ring pass not"-It is a ring pass not my reality any more. Does this make sense?
There are days that I can let things go that people say and there are days that I can blast someone! Watch out for those days, especially if I have not had my chocolate or cheese! ha ha

[Damon Fecitt]

Amen Cheryl!

I found that the people that were most sensitive to our loss were the one's that had lost a close loved one. It was everyone else that felt like they needed to say something that usually spurted something like the examples you gave. It made me angry to hear those comments, but I knew they were trying to be compassionate so I bit my tongue. It's o.k. to say to someone, "I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry." The most helpful thing people said to my wife and I during that time was "You're in our prayers." Knowing that we were in the hearts and prayers of friends, family, and even strangers, was one of the few comforts we felt.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this!

Damon Fecitt
Jacksonville, Florida

[Cheryl Haggard]

Damon,

I so wish I would have personally met with you in Florida. I would have loved to just have given you a big hug, and told you that life will get better. It will just take some time. And not someone else's time, but your own time. Please know that you are in my thoughts. And I am always here, if you need someone to talk to.;)

[Tiffany Rice]

Wow this is how I felt/feel!

I tried to communicate this with family/friends and was looked at as if I had three heads and of course they went back to the trusty... "God knows best" lines...

I am so glad to hear I am not crazy in how I have dealt with our loss.

[Jessica Henshaw]

It's been a year since I lost my daughter and this is one question I can't stand:

"Are you and your husband going to try again?"

It makes me upset, like they think that because my little girl died in my womb that she doesn't "count". Martina will always be my first born no matter what. Whether we decide to give her a brother or sister is really none of your business so please don't ask.

[motherofthree]

No kidding - I had people asking me that before I even lost Kavya, then again within WEEKS of losing her - a time when I coudn't even think that far into the future - just trying to make it through the day or the hour even.

[momofanangel]

I know, I had someone ask me how old I was(41) and then say that I was still young enough to have another one! We aren't going to try for another one,as a matter of fact,my husband had a vasectomy to try to make sure of it. I would love another baby but I came close to dying with Gracelynn and there would be no guarantee that another pregnancy would be different and I don't want to take that chance because of my other children. We are thinking about Foster Care for infants though. Any thoughts about that or has anyone on here done Foster Care?

[Christine Barrack]

Karen,
I have been a Foster Parent. If you would like to talk about the foster care send me an email at chris_barrack@msn.com (underscore not a space).
BTW, I also have 7 children. One angel and 6 at home! I have adopted three special needs foster children, one private adoption and three birth children.

[Madge]

I would like to add that the wording is important.
I hated hearing, "At least you had eight hours with Dekar." It put me on the defensive, like I didn't appreciate every single moment with him. It would be better to say, "I'm so happy you had eight hours with Dekar." That is much more pleasant.

Also, because I had a diagnosis before delivery, some felt that it made it "easier". It did not make it easier--so please don't say it is "better to know". Every day, every moment I was carrying him, I wondered if Dekar would pass on. I would do it all over again, but it was so hard.

[Stacy Holley]

Oh, I hate it when they start with "at least". I lost my baby girl at 6 days old and she was a twin. I always hear, "at least you got to bring ONE baby home" (her twin brother) Like one baby could replace the other.....

[MrsSpencer]

That's horrible stacy! They told my friend.."It's for the best, you're only 16:("..grr...people.

[Marcus Momma]

Thats sad. I wish people would think before they spoke about such a soft subject.

[Madge]

Stacy, that is so sad.

Because I have eight children I have heard, "At least you have eight other children." Well, I wanted that ninth one, so that doesn't work for me.

[Marcus Momma]

thats what they said to me at least you have two other kids. Yhea and I have 3 not 2 having other kids won't replace the hurt it makes me hurt worse because he isn't here sharing in all the stuff his siblings do and my daughter wants him here so bad. she talks to him all the time.

[MrsSpencer]

I just can't believe anyone would think it was ever okay to have a child die? Doesn't matter how many children you have, or how old you are, you are NOT supposed to bury a child. I am so sorry people are so dumb as to say these insensitive things to you all on top of all the grief you feel daily. As I tell my friend when people say that to her.."Losing your son, and having your second son didn't make you feel better, it made you appreciate your baby more, and miss your son you don't have more." It's true, she said the more time goes by the more she misses him, not less.

[motherofthree]

I remember that when I found out Kavya was going to die (25+ weeks pregnant), I had a couple people ask me how soon I could start trying for another baby - how long after she was born? I still can't believe this - I was still pregnant with her!!!! Like she suddenly didn't count as a baby or something.

A few also made comments about not worrying that I was only 30/31 and people were having children into their 40s now.

[MrsSpencer]

I remember that when I found out Kavya was going to die (25+ weeks pregnant), I had a couple people ask me how soon I could start trying for another baby - how long after she was born? I still can't believe this - I was still pregnant with her!!!! Like she suddenly didn't count as a baby or something.

A few also made comments about not worrying that I was only 30/31 and people were having children into their 40s now.

That just makes me wanna punch someone..

[lyndsaymelancon]

people are so insensitive at times. When I lost my Riley, I heard "well something was probably wrong with her and you dont want a special needs baby" WhoTF are you to tell me what I want? I would give my left arm for Riley, whether she is a special needs baby or not!

From my mom of all people I heard "at least you lost her now instead of later once you were attached to her." wtf? i was attached as soon as i found out I was pregnant!

[Marcus Momma]

I am sorry if someone said that to me someone would have had a black eye or had an ear full. Especially being pregnant still. I can't control my anger when it comes to stuff like that. U wish people who open their mouths knew what you were going through but then again u still wouldn't want them to hurt the way you are just to understand to be more sensitive. I am glad no one has said anthing about me being prego again and trying to replace Marcus it would be a bad day for them.

[Sarah O'Neal]

GRRRRR.....

or what not to say someone knowing it will get back to me:

"When is she gonna get over her dead daughter, because this is **** that she won't do preschool pics."

[MrsSpencer]

omg! I'm just in shock! I'm speechless!

[motherofthree]

You have got to be kidding me. This is one of those comments from someone that has nothing to do with "not knowing what to say" and everything to do with being an selfish, insensitive clod. I'm so sorry someone was this insensitive to you, Sarah.

[Kirk Kief]

Sarah,
Isn't it amazing that Photographers are not allowed to have their own lives?
I'm so very sorry!

[Marcus Momma]

OMG! Thats is so crazy. I am sorry that happened to you.

[Carrie]

I wish people would stop trying to say the right thing. There's no right thing to say. Nothing will make my child's death okay. Nothing will mend my shattered heart. Nothing. So stop trying to find the magic words, there aren't any.

At Damien's funeral my sister hugged me and told me she didn't know what to say. That was the best thing she could have said to me. What I needed was just the hug. It didn't change what happened and it didn't make everything okay, but I just needed to be loved, that's all anyone could do for me was love me.

I was on the phone with my roommate the other day (who is back at our place while I am out of state staying with family for awhile) and she had called to check on me. She asked who I had heard from and I told her some had called, written, texted me, etc and some hadn't. She said that people just don't know what to say. And I know that. I know my friends and family mean well, and I know what it's like to have tragedy happen to someone else, and as their friend to have no clue what to say or do. I understand that people have their hearts in the right place. My roommate told me that someone asked her what the right thing to do for me is...

That doesn't exist. The right thing? The right thing would be if Damien was here in my arms. If he was spending his first thanksgiving and christmas with me. If I could see him grow up. That would make everything okay again.

That can't happen. Nobody can give me that.

I just want to tell everyone that all I need them to do is love me and please say Damien's name and don't forget him. He's real. Don't shove his memory under a rug.

[Matthew's mom]

Thank you for verbalizing what I feel everyday. I want to remember Matthew and his short life- not in sadness, but because he is my little boy even if he is not here. I want people to ask about him. He does exist in my heart. I hate it when people just treat me as if nothing has happened- no word of sympathy or even recognition. HELLO out there~!~!

[jahzara mom]

Thank You That How I Feel About Everything Also That What People Was Tell Me About My Jahzara

[Eddie]

The ones who say something insensitive are usually the ones who have never had it happen to them, so they cannot really understand it. My Dad, who is not the most sensitive of people simply said what he felt was the truth. "Son, we don't know what your going through, and we don't understand it, but we are sorry." That was better than a time-worn and useless platitude. The one thing that drove me nuts was people who would ask "How are you doing?" Well, I really don't think you could deal with how I'm doing. It was nice that they asked, and I knew they meant well, but at least two people were extremely sorry after they asked me that question. My behavior was not right, but they asked at the wrong time.

I've had people say they think it's kind of dumb that I still go out and put decorations on Cole's grave 2 or 3 times a year. Christmas, his birthday, sometime in the summer. After all, it's been almost 14 years. And your point would be? :rolleyes:

[Cheryl Haggard]

Eddie,
I think that is the best...just to say it like your father did. Those words don't sting, they don't hurt...they are simply sincere.

NON BEREAVED PEOPLE...HEAR THESE WORDS...! "We don't know what your going through, and we don't understand it, but we are so sorry..."

[Lindzy Foster]

so the person who i thought was my very closest friend has hurt me within the last few days...on her webpage she had a slideshow of Kaydences photos and one of her friends viewed it and then left a comment stating that she couldnt understand how someone could "pose that dead baby" among other insensitive things including that she should would now need to go drink or smoke some pot to get over how she was feeling after seeing "that dead baby".......i sent this person a message, i was very hurt and tried to explain to her how inappropriate was to say things like that, to tell her my daughter has a name and it is KAYDENCE (which she knew darn well) and referring to her as some dead baby was just........well i cant even explain totally how it made me feel......she then replied stating that she thought it was pretty accurate to call "something" that had died "dead baby"......omg i am just beyond words right now.......something? so now my precious child is "something"? i didnt get my friend involved in it and then she decided to involve herself and defend these actions and words and tell me im over reacting that i should just brush it off! are you kidding me! i brush off alot of things that are well-meaning but this isn't even in the same ballpark.......and i told my "friend" that if this person was not her friend she would have been right there backing up my feelings but now because it is her friend im supposed to just accept it and be ok with it.....then she told me i had no right to say anything at all!
ok this is getting long but i just needed to get out how i am feeling with people i KNOW are going to understand me! i am so thankful for all of you!

[motherofthree]

Oh, Lindzy, I'm so sorry. Some people are so insensitive and just WRONG. I am so angry, right along with you, at your friend and her friend. Your pictures show your beautiful daughter, not a "dead baby". I hope you ask your friend to remove Kaydence's slideshow from her website!!! If she can defend the words of her so-called friend, she doesn't have any place showing Kaydence's slide show on her website.

[jordan&matthew]

people always say its god;s will and he will send you more children. but for 30 weeks i waited and prepared for my twins...took care of myself like never before. I suffered from an eating disorder and when i founf out i was pregnant o snapped right out of that. My boys were what mattered most not my personal issues. Now people say just move on and soon you will be a mother. I try to live my life as it was before the boys came and went so quickly out of my life...but then there are the times when I am alone and no one is around just the memories I have. I can't even look at a pregnant woman without getting angry and I hate that feeling they are about to have the greatest joy of thier life and I am jelous. No one but those of us ehre who have lost children know how eachother feels.

[Madge]

As time has gone on all I can add is this: As much as I hate hearing the "wrong" thing, I really hate hearing NOTHING AT ALL. To me, it diminishes the importance of Dekar's life.

To me, the words not spoken are the ones that hurt the most.

ETA: I am sorry if it sounds like I am reducing the hurtful things people say---I certainly don't mean that at all. I posted this recent thought from my life lately---and hadn't looked at the most recent posts. I apologize if I seemed cold--it was not my intention.

I'll be sure to read the most recent responses before I post again.

Lindzy, I am so sorry for your experience. It's hard to let go of those types of things, I know.

[Molly O'Bryon-Welpott]

Lindzy,
I am so sorry for the extra burden of weight and pain this person has now added to your grief. I am only a photographer, not a parent who has lost a baby, so I walked away from the screen and wasn't going to post a message but I had to come back and say this..
This person that made the remarks, is not a usual remark made by people when witnessing NILMDTS or the losses that you as parents have. As a photographer, I have brochures with me all of the time and a lot of people know that I am involved, I have been asked how can you do that? But what they mean is emotionally. They never mean it in a way that would insult an angel or their parents.
They are actually amazed and most will say, "I wish I would have known this could be done for my friends family or sister's family....." What a wonderful thing.
Every baby I have seen is perfect, in their parents eyes, in God's eyes and in my eyes. From the teeniest to the babies full term.
Every single person I know that has ever visited the NILMDTS site or seen the brochures is usually left in tears feeling for the families and realizing what a beautiful thing it is for you as parents to recognize your babies and keepsake their photos forever.
You are a mother and Kaydence is part of your family forever. Someone that posts something like that on a site looks very immature and dumb and I wouldn't hold too much stock in opinions of people that are off to drink beer and smoke pot, while you are actually dealing with your pain.
Your baby is your baby forever, and I hope that you can move past this bump because this person is really not worthy of your emotions or time.
I am praying for you.
Molly

[LukeFoster]

well said Molly! I second that!!! What a LOSER that person is who said those terrible things and then said she had to go smoke pot!!! Don't give her or what she said a second thought! She is not worthy of your thoughts - a COMPLETE waste of your time! Oh and, if I were you I'd ditch your other "friend" b/c she sounds horrible and that she was not a good friend to begin with!!! You need to surround yourself with "safe" people if you can. I am sorry for your loss and I wish none of us were here. We have each other and we are sisters and brothers in sorrow - come here and vent whenever you feel the need.

[Kristen Morton]

Lindzy,
I didnt know that had happened to you - I am so sorry. And I must say, I am PROUD the be the photographer that posed your beautiful Kaydence!
Love you guys!!
Hugs!
Kristen

[jordan&matthew]

I am so sorry that happened to you people are so insensitive to these situations. You are lucky to have those pictures of your babyjust as we all are we waited for them for so long and to have the chance to take pictures well to heck with anyone who doesnt appreciate how beautiful the babies actually are.

[George]

Lindzy,

I detest calling someone a loser, but I'm at a loss on what else to call someone who would make such ghastly statements and then defend them to the mother. And I cannot believe somone calling herself your friend would defend the offender. I'm simultaneously outraged and fighting back tears.

[LukeFoster]

there really is no other fitting name than LOSER for that person

[Abigailsmommy]

I am so sorry that happened. God forbid something happen to that person like having a stillborn child or having her child die. People just don't get it. When this happens to you that is all you have is the memory of those few short hours, days or weeks and the pictures we have. Thank God they have Photographers that offer their services for this. I just got my CD of my baby girl's photos and I am so blessed to have them. So forget what that person said and cherish your photos of your beautiful baby.

Prayers and hugs for you and your family

[momma to 2+ an angel]

I had somebody tell me today at work, "You can have another... can't you?"

I almost screamed.

Yes, I would like another. I want Cameron too. I don't know if I can have another... I will have to see an Infertility Specialist by the looks of it...

Thank you for posting this... I almost want to print it off and hang it at my desk. This is just me taking a moment to rant. Thank you.

[Madge]

Do I have permission to copy these responses and post them at my blog?

[Kirk Kief]

That will be fine, as long as you acknowledge where they came from, and instructions on how to find, and register, on this forum.

[Madge]

That will be fine, as long as you acknowledge where they came from, and instructions on how to find, and register, on this forum.

That won't be a problem--I have NILMDTS all over Dekar's blog. :)
Thank you.

[Aimee Hood]

i have learned that "LESS" is best said... just like said in the NILMDTS manual... we always try to think of something to say to the parents thinking we need to make them feel better, or let them know that we care... we mean good, but sometimes it's better to say very little at all...

[NoQuotaOnGrief]

I remember that when I found out Kavya was going to die (25+ weeks pregnant), I had a couple people ask me how soon I could start trying for another baby - how long after she was born? I still can't believe this - I was still pregnant with her!!!! Like she suddenly didn't count as a baby or something.

A few also made comments about not worrying that I was only 30/31 and people were having children into their 40s now.

Our son (first pregnancy) was stillborn @ 26 weeks (cord accident) on 12/12/04, 2 weeks before my 36th birthday, so for the remainder of my 30s, I heard that same BS as well. After 4 years of misdiagnosis (It's easier to tell a patient she's "old" than do a hormone workup on her husband because they can push you for IVF) and 11 rounds of unecessary treatment that cost us about $15K, I did get pregnant naturally the month after I turned 40...because DH had finally seen a urologist (3rd specialist) and will be on injections the rest of his life for extremely low testosterone.

The answer to that prayer after 4 years and 11 unnecessary medical procedures?! She has Trisomy 13 and holoprosencephaly and will DIE, so don't give me that bull about so n so had a baby after 40.. or how God answers prayer because in our case the "answer" was far worse than the request... or have they ever given thought to the dirty lil secret of pregnancy in your 40s called DONOR EGGS???..... We opted to go to term since our son was taken from us with no warning and some days I just want it over with. The movements were "cool" (they'd started about the time of the dx) but now @ 32 weeks they're just a reminder of another lost baby, so we're 0-2 now and I just want it over with.

My other personal favorite is, "Why don't you just adopt?" to which I have responded, 'When you waste your life savings on medical incompetence, you have no $$ for adoption, but maybe the lawsuit I have going for the off label use of Femara/letrozole for fertility will give us the money for adoption."

[Jaydensmom]

NoQuotaOnGrief - I just read your post, and am heartbroken for you. I hear your anger, and can't imagine your pain. There are no good answers to why these things happen. There are many women on this forum who have carried to term. And a few who lost two or more children as you are facing. I am not sure if you have done so already, but if you haven't, I encourage you to post in the carrying to term section. you will find a tremendous amount of love and support from these women. ((hugs))

[Brandijr]

I would LOVE to carry this post around and give it to every person who says something stupid!!! I know they are trying to be comforting, but telling me I am young so I can have more, or that I have one at home is NOT comforting! Reading through this post would let everyone know that saying they do not understand but they are thinking and praying is the best thing. I have three people who have specifically told me that they would love to hear about Emilee and so see pictures of Emilee. That just makes me smile as I love to talk about her. I have not posted pictures on my fb or myspace because I do not want to offend people. I love to hear of people's stories and see pictures of their beautiful babies. Before I had a stillborn I had 2 miscarriages. I knew how bad that was and any woman to have a stillborn was an extremely amazing woman. I could have never imagined how strong and amazing they really were until a week and a half ago.

I really should print this our and send it to several people and plaster it all over. I think it would help a lot of people by the sounds of it. I am sorry for everyone who has heard th ****** things people say. I know how much it hurts!

[Galee]

A few thoughts about this question, "are you going to try again?" I've been asked it so many times that it must be a normal curiosity but I hate it. I realized it's the "try again" that kills me. My daughter was not a try. She was a baby. She weighed 7 lbs and I held her in my arms. She was not a failed attempt. She was a life. "Do you think you'll have a second child?" That would be nice to hear.

[Galee]

Lindzy,
I am so sorry for the extra burden of weight and pain this person has now added to your grief. I am only a photographer, not a parent who has lost a baby, so I walked away from the screen and wasn't going to post a message but I had to come back and say this..
This person that made the remarks, is not a usual remark made by people when witnessing NILMDTS or the losses that you as parents have. As a photographer, I have brochures with me all of the time and a lot of people know that I am involved, I have been asked how can you do that? But what they mean is emotionally. They never mean it in a way that would insult an angel or their parents.
They are actually amazed and most will say, "I wish I would have known this could be done for my friends family or sister's family....." What a wonderful thing.
Every baby I have seen is perfect, in their parents eyes, in God's eyes and in my eyes. From the teeniest to the babies full term.
Every single person I know that has ever visited the NILMDTS site or seen the brochures is usually left in tears feeling for the families and realizing what a beautiful thing it is for you as parents to recognize your babies and keepsake their photos forever.
You are a mother and Kaydence is part of your family forever. Someone that posts something like that on a site looks very immature and dumb and I wouldn't hold too much stock in opinions of people that are off to drink beer and smoke pot, while you are actually dealing with your pain.
Your baby is your baby forever, and I hope that you can move past this bump because this person is really not worthy of your emotions or time.
I am praying for you.
Molly
Lindzey, I don't think anyone can say it more gracefully that Molly just did.
Kaydence is a beautiful, baby. Your baby. Love her, love her photos and share her.

[Terri Ludewick]

I am amazed daily by the uncaring and insensitive comments that flow freely from peoples mouths! Everytime I think I have heard it all I hear or see something like this.

I may not always know what to say to someone hurting or in pain but I would never say something without running it through my head first. Nine times out of ten...I opt to give a hug and simply say "I'm sorry". And those who know me know I don't like to be touched or hugged so if I give a hug I really mean it!

May God bless each & everyone of you who have been harmed by words at a time when you needed comfort.

[mise]

it has been over 2 yrs since my son died and a lady who was very nice around that time,said how sorry she was etc met me today knowing that I have since had another son,born alive and well. she was congratulating me and said arent they a blessing as she hugged her grandchild and then knocked me for six when she said,"at least you can put it all behind you now". I was rendered totally speechless and think I am still reeling that she could speak so casually about my gorgeous son.If only life was as simple as she sees it

[Dawn Marshall]

My dad was sharing a bit about my brother Nate, who passed a little over a year ago. One of his co-workers actually said to him, "Wow...you still miss him, don't you."

My dad was so hurt by that.