Are you going to have anymore kids?

[Sarah O'Neal]

GRRRRRRRR:mad: If I hear that one more time I am going to SCREAM! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY........

PSA: If you are a friend, an aquaintence or a complete stranger, DON'T ASK. If I wanted to talk about it with you, BELIEVE ME I WOULD.


Just saying.


"That is a question I cannot emotionally nor physically handle right now." One would think that statement blunt and honest enough. One would think. Yet.......for some reason, some people feel this uncontrollable urge to KEEP ON.

I am almost half tempted to respond to the "If there is anything I can do" question with this "Don't ask me about my sex life or if I am having more kids." But, I just bet.....they would interpret that as I want them to ask me more about it.

Thank you./... daily vent over.:mad:

[Tara Roberts]

That's just as bad as "you'll get over it, you're young and can still have kids". What am I getting over, a cold or a break-up? I don't think so.
Every counselor has told me to not take anything people say to heart because no one know's what to say in a time of greif, but honestly.
Thank you ... I love your response and will probably use it often. It's also nice to know you can vent to people who understand.

[Deb Stoner]

I got asked that question 4 days after Marah died. The next sentence out of her mouth was. "Maybe you should just get a puppy. THAT would cheer you up."
How's that for tact??!!!!!!!!!!!
I hear you, Sarah.

[Jordan]

It is so easy for people to think that we will get over it...we won't get over Jordan. Hopefully there will be a time that I will be able to smile more about Jordan and have less tears of sadness. When I have been asked if we are going to have more.....people take for granted that getting pregnant is easy. They don't understand that getting pregnant for us was not easy. We had a tubal, Alex now 4yrs old, miscarriage and then decided to give up trying. Jordan was a surprise pregnancy.
I am sorry....hang in there.

[asquad]

that remark goes right along with, "I think you need a few more!" for me. During Christmas my entire family was here, except my brother who is currently stationed in Balad, Iraq. We were at Home Depot and it was myself, my mom, my SIL and sister and our 8 kiddos. A lady walks by us and to her in an amusing statement laughs, "I think you need a few more." My SIL takes it personally and later says, "What difference does it make to her?" Myself take it personally and say, "I'm trying, *A*N*T!! I've had one m/c, one loss 10 hours after birth and one stillbirth. Three beautiful angels, and still TRYING!!!!"

I also babysit for a few teacher friends and Wed. we went to school for the kiddos class parties. After delivering 2 to their mom and 1 to her g-ma right at the front doors as we pull up, I still enter the building with 3 in the stroller. Not one, but 2 people make the remark, "I think you need a few more, Penny." I pull my OB/GYN nurse friend over and grabbing her shirt sleeve whisper "I get so sick of hearing those words!!!!!!! I just want to say, I'M TRYING D*M*I*" She has been with me through all of Aaron's loss so she totally understands.

thanks for letting me vent, too!!
P

[S Jensen]

I remember my mom being asked "what on earth did you do in the past that was so bad God had to punish you by taking your poor baby!?" That and the "aren't you glad you lost the baby before you got a chance to get to know it...think how hard it must be for people who actually have a baby and THEN lose it" as if having been pregnant for 8 months with a very much wanted child was nothing and she should stop feeling sad.

I seriously am shocked sometimes at how much rudeness can be packed into a single body and how many of those bodies there are in this world.

Heck, I felt uncertain asking my sister-in-law if she was going to get a new kitty after one of hers was hit by a car. There is no way I would ask someone who lost a child if they were going to have any more. I'd be more than willing to listen to them talk about it if they brought it up, but good grief people, these aren't plants that you can simply replace, these are desperately loved children (no matter when they were born) allow people to grieve!

Sara

[Catherine Colgan]

My response at first was, "That is between my husband and I." Then after losing Travis, people stopped asking. I guess they just assume it's over. I'm not sure which I prefer...insensitivity or silence.

[Sarah O'Neal]

I actually wonder that all the time. I am not perfect, I enjoy the not so occasional curse word, I drink when appropriate....that's about it. I have always thought I was a pretty moral person. Seriously...I think I am beong punished, only I do not know what for.

[quote=S Jensen]I remember my mom being asked "what on earth did you do in the past that was so bad God had to punish you by taking your poor baby!?"

[Jen Eagan]

Awww Sarah- nothing in the world is bad enough to be worth that punishment.

[Tara Roberts]

I still look at what I did in the past to cause my baby to be taken from me...
What you'd never say to your babies you should never say to yourself! (that's my therapists orders, easier to say than follow)
It's so hard for me to see all the beauty in my life past this terrible tragedy... my motto for life at this time.

[Tasha Nicholls]

Sarah, I absolutely agree with Jen. You are not being punished.... no one deserves to go through the anguish and heartache of losing a child.

Despite whatever shortcomings you think you may have, I'm sure you're a wonderful person and I know that you have definitely had more than your fair share of heartache and loss.... I don't know why you have to deal with this, but I'm certain you're not being "punished" because of any wrongs that you've done.

*HUGS*

[Jessi Hill]

I too got soooooo sick of being asked this. and the comments of "you are young, you still have time..." Well after you have lost one baby at 3 months, and had 5 m/c I think people start to shut up... but after our adoption they are back to asking... GRRRR

[Tricia Hackney]

I wouldn't even know what to say, just that I'm praying for all of you and that I'm hugging you in my heart.

[Lindzy Foster]

my daughter, Kaydence Hope, returned to heaven 3 weeks ago this last sunday and people continue to ask me when i'm returning to work and tell me my daughter wouldnt want me to be so sad.....they seem to think that because she was only on earth for 9 days that i couldnt possibly have gotten to know her that well and i should just move on with my life....its driving me crazy!

[S Jensen]

I actually wonder that all the time. I am not perfect, I enjoy the not so occasional curse word, I drink when appropriate....that's about it. I have always thought I was a pretty moral person. Seriously...I think I am beong punished, only I do not know what for.


Sweetie, my mom is a pastor's wife. She doesn't drink, never smoked in her life, and gets uncomfortable saying Hoover Dam because it is too near a swear word for her. She wanted lots of kids. It took her years to get pregnant with me, then my sister happened 18 months after me, and then she got pregnant with Daniel. She was never able to get pregnant again no matter what they tried. Trust me, it wasn't something she did. God doesn't punish us like that. He certainly wouldn't take an innocent child, an example on earth of how we are supposed to love Him, just to sort of thumb His nose at us for something we did in the past. You may not believe in God...obviously I do, but even if you don't...things don't work that way. If they did, the world would not be full of children that were created after 1 too many drinks at a bar. See, NO ONE is perfect, there isn't a single person walking around right now that can claim to be perfect, not even the Pope. If perfection was a criteria for having and keeping children, well...we'd all be extinct.

Please, do not let yourself feel guilty for something that you did nothing to cause!

Sara

[Rayna']

I had alot of anger issues after my last mc in Sept. Family & friends were constantly saying the wrong thing. "Don't think about it if it makes you sad". "You need to think positive" "Things happen for a reason" etc....grrrrr I basically used my profile on MySpace to tell them to shut up! Don't talk to me about losing two babies when you've never been there!!!

[Tasha Nicholls]

my daughter, Kaydence Hope, returned to heaven 3 weeks ago this last sunday and people continue to ask me when i'm returning to work and tell me my daughter wouldnt want me to be so sad.....they seem to think that because she was only on earth for 9 days that i couldnt possibly have gotten to know her that well and i should just move on with my life....its driving me crazy!

Awww, Lindzy.... that's terrible that people have made such insensitive comments. :(

I hope you have some family and friends around that are a bit more supportive. If not, just come hang out here with us.... we won't ask you any of those silly questions or judge you if you stay in your jammies all day! ;)

[Janeice]

You guys are angry about what other people said, you would be appalled at the comment I made on the way to the OR after Renny was born. to set the scene: I found out I was having a boy 2 days before I lost him. I already have one boy, I was dead set on having a girl. I was soo disappointed that I was having a boy. When he was born I was doped up with an epadural. on the way to the OR for my D&C I said, "at least I didn't loose my girl, maybe Duane will let me get a dog now" I will tell you once I came down off my high, I didn't care that he was a boy. I loved him sooooo much. The memory of MY words haunts me to no end. How could I say such a rotten statement, ya know? "They" say you should not let guilt get to you, but guess what. I feel I caused my baby to die because of my careless actions, regardless what the doctors tell me. Note to self: Don't ride in the semi truck at 5 months pregnant.

[Tasha Nicholls]

Awww.... Janeice. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I'm sorry you have such painful memories and hope you can eventually believe what the doctors tell you... It wasn't your fault.

*HUGS*

[Lindzy Foster]

So here's a new one...i wasnt asked or told this directly it was told to a family member but people are wondering why i havent had time to get any thank you notes out yet...i know that when you get married they should be promptly sent out but is there an appropriate time frame for losing a child? I mean i was kind of in shock about this, im trying to grieve and i do appreciate all the support that we received but i was trying to find the right thing to send and right words to say and last week i finally did, we ordered the birth/bereavement announcements from Tasha's Simply-Yours-Creations.....and they are beautiful....but i will admit sending the thank you notes wasnt the first thing on my list of priorities, im busy trying to pull my self together and get through a few hours without crying.......am i wrong about this? should i feel bad that i havent mailed them out???

[Tasha Nicholls]

......am i wrong about this? should i feel bad that i havent mailed them out???

No!!!!! That's someone else's problem.... there is absolutely no time frame for getting thank you notes out when you've lost a loved one. Don't feel bad. YOU'RE the one who lost your sweet baby Kaydence and who is still grieving.... you shouldn't have to worry about offending other people right now.

The Emily Post institute states in the bereavement etiquette section:
"There is no official time frame for writing notes of appreciation to those who have extended their condolences and kindness to you. The important thing is that you have received comfort from the many who have helped you. For some, writing notes is helpful as they work through their grief; for others it is too difficult to get much done for some time. The best thing is to work things through at your own pace. Another option is to ask a close relative or friend to write some notes on your behalf. It's up to you."

[Jen Eagan]

So here's a new one...i wasnt asked or told this directly it was told to a family member but people are wondering why i havent had time to get any thank you notes out yet...i know that when you get married they should be promptly sent out but is there an appropriate time frame for losing a child? I mean i was kind of in shock about this, im trying to grieve and i do appreciate all the support that we received but i was trying to find the right thing to send and right words to say and last week i finally did, we ordered the birth/bereavement announcements from Tasha's Simply-Yours-Creations.....and they are beautiful....but i will admit sending the thank you notes wasnt the first thing on my list of priorities, im busy trying to pull my self together and get through a few hours without crying.......am i wrong about this? should i feel bad that i havent mailed them out???

Wow- that's kinda ballsy to ask. I never even knew you were expected to give thank you cards for that. I certainly have never gotten one and I never sent any out after Hannah died.
I think if it's expected of you, maybe you could have one of the people who asks "can I do anything" help with that.

[S Jensen]

Ooh, that is pretty pathetic! Do they think so much of themselves that they need every act of kindness to be acknowledged?! I would NEVER expect someone to send out thank you notes for anything I might do in a situation like yours. Good grief, help because you know they need it and leave it at that!

I'm so sorry that apparently you have some incredible idiots around you with no sensitivity whatsoever.

Sara


So here's a new one...i wasnt asked or told this directly it was told to a family member but people are wondering why i havent had time to get any thank you notes out yet...i know that when you get married they should be promptly sent out but is there an appropriate time frame for losing a child? I mean i was kind of in shock about this, im trying to grieve and i do appreciate all the support that we received but i was trying to find the right thing to send and right words to say and last week i finally did, we ordered the birth/bereavement announcements from Tasha's Simply-Yours-Creations.....and they are beautiful....but i will admit sending the thank you notes wasnt the first thing on my list of priorities, im busy trying to pull my self together and get through a few hours without crying.......am i wrong about this? should i feel bad that i havent mailed them out???

[Jessi Hill]

I agree... do them in your own time and only if you want to and are able to.... I certainly wouldn't be upset if I sent a memorial and didn't hear from them in the form of a thank you... Geeze!- let people grieve.

[Tasha Nicholls]

LOL.... I was biting my tongue.... I'm glad to hear some of these other responses, 'cuz that' swhat I was thinking!

[Deb Stoner]

I was given a shower the week before Marah died. I couldn't bring myself to write thank yous. I had no idea what I was going to do with all of the baby things and didn't feel I had the strength to write and didn't know WHAT to say. I didn't write them and still feel badly about it to this day. I did write thank yous after the funeral for the support. I think the majority of people understand if you don't send them or get them out late.

[asquad]

It wasnt' until August that I was able to get my thank yous done with Aaron being born in April because just like you, it was such a finalization of my loss. simply put, my messages were something like, "thank you for thinking of us when aaron was born. god never ceases to amaze me with people who have such unselfish hearts and caring acts of kindness." the sad thing was that i still had avery labels left with our return address printed on them in a file folder to use. let me tell you, it's grace that gets you through the loss once, and pure endurance of grace that is working with me this 2nd time. not doing as well this time.........but still praying along!! i wouldn't wish either on my worst enemy!!!!
Penny

[Lindzy Foster]

thank u to everyone for their responses...i guess i was just frustrated feeling like i was rushed along...i am grateful for all of our friends and family support i just wanted the thank you's to be special...hopefully i get them on monday, i dont think there coming today...we had a huge snow storm this past week and the snow is ridiculous!!! We got stuck in omaha and it took us 4 hours to get back to sioux city driving in a white out! (if ur wondering why we even risked it darin is in the air guard and has drill this weekend!) And to Penny, my prayers are with u and i wish the best of luck to u trying to conceive again!!

[calvin's mother]

God does not punish our children for our mistakes nor does he punish us for what we have done...we have been given free will and will be judged in the end, but we only need to ask his forgiveness and it is done.