Harshness of Reality

[Karla]

I know that it's been a year, three months and weeks since Cydney Paige returned to heaven, but I still can't face the reality, I still can't move on. I know I must, but I am scared. Each time I take a step forward, I quickly find myself retreating to a safe place where I can keep her memory and the few short days of her life alive. I don't want to do anything that can be done only because she is not here. I don't want to go back to school, that time is coming soon for me to return, and I want to run backwards in time so I can avoid that decision. How am I suppose to sit in a classroom knowing that I am there only because my child has returned to heaven? This is the same classroom that I sat with her in my womb, the same classroom that I gleefully thought would be the last time I would see it, because I was happily going to stay at home and look after my baby. Why does life have to dish out such harsh doses of reality to me? Like Sarah ask, am I being punished? I am tired of being told how strong God thinks I am, how do the ones who make such senseless comments know? Have they spoken to him? Why couldn't I have the easier decision to make, the one to give up becoming a lawyer and become a fulltime mom to Cydney Paige? What would it mean now? Bittersweetness.......I have achieved.......I am a lawyer........and a bereaved mom!!!! I feel like such a loser, I couldn't care much about achieving that anymore, I imagine that I would just go through the motions of it all. I am still looking for the sunshine in life now, sometimes I feel hopeful, but most times I am spiralling downwards. I am sooo sorry to vent such negative thoughts, but I really feel horrible today, I miss Cydney Paige more than ever, and for some reason I am haunted by the fact that I was told by a nurse to leave her side when she wailed for me. It hurt even more when she stopped when I left, the nurse said that she was smelling me, so if she was, why couldn't the nurse help me to hold her and comfort her??? Why did I have to leave her side, those were precious moments that I could have had with her.

Please forgive me for being such a wimp. I know most of you understand, but I really don't like to add anymore pain.

I really need to dig in deep and find the strength and courage to get through these exams, it would probably do me good, so somehow I will find a way to do it with my child's memory at my side. I probably sound like a confused nutcase.............

karla

[Jen Eagan]

Karla-
You don't sound like a confused nutcase to me...

We have a similar situation- they made me leave Hannah's side too when she was screaming for me. It was the last time she was awake and all I could do was stand outside and listen to hear scream. The last thing she felt was pain and her last sense of me was that I wasn't there when she needed me. I am haunted and tortured by this fact to this day.

My thoughts are with you, I can honestly say I know.

[S Jensen]

I have not lost a child. I have lost many loved ones, but nothing can compare to the loss of a child. I think that many people, especially those that haven't lost anyone they truly cared for, just can't understand the depth of emotion involved.

The way I describe grief to people is this:

When you first lose someone your grief is like a giant boulder you are expected to carry around. It weighs more than you, you can't see through it, you can't see over it, you can't see past it...all you see is the boulder. You can't move, it causes physical pain as well as the mental anguish of feeling as if this is all you will see for the rest of your life. Then, gradually (and faster for some than others, there is no set amount of time) your tears start to wear down the boulder. It becomes a large rock that you can peep over the top of. You can see glimpses of life but the rock still weighs you down and wears you out and can be overpowering. Your tears continue to wear the rock down. Eventually, it will become a beautiful stone, polished by all the tears that have flowed over it. That stone will always be with you. You can carry it in your pocket. It won't ever leave you, but instead of bringing pain when you pull it out and look at it, it will bring back memories of the love of the person you lost. For some, it takes years and years to get to that point. Others try to force it to happen sooner and then later realize that they've been trying to pretend and can break down again. For some, it naturally does happen as fast as society seems to think it should. It will happen, you shouldn't rush it, one day you won't feel guilty if you laugh at something and were truly happy. It isn't that you forget your child...that will never happen.

Sara


I know that it's been a year, three months and weeks since Cydney Paige returned to heaven, but I still can't face the reality, I still can't move on. I know I must, but I am scared. Each time I take a step forward, I quickly find myself retreating to a safe place where I can keep her memory and the few short days of her life alive. I don't want to do anything that can be done only because she is not here. I don't want to go back to school, that time is coming soon for me to return, and I want to run backwards in time so I can avoid that decision. How am I suppose to sit in a classroom knowing that I am there only because my child has returned to heaven? This is the same classroom that I sat with her in my womb, the same classroom that I gleefully thought would be the last time I would see it, because I was happily going to stay at home and look after my baby. Why does life have to dish out such harsh doses of reality to me? Like Sarah ask, am I being punished? I am tired of being told how strong God thinks I am, how do the ones who make such senseless comments know? Have they spoken to him? Why couldn't I have the easier decision to make, the one to give up becoming a lawyer and become a fulltime mom to Cydney Paige? What would it mean now? Bittersweetness.......I have achieved.......I am a lawyer........and a bereaved mom!!!! I feel like such a loser, I couldn't care much about achieving that anymore, I imagine that I would just go through the motions of it all. I am still looking for the sunshine in life now, sometimes I feel hopeful, but most times I am spiralling downwards. I am sooo sorry to vent such negative thoughts, but I really feel horrible today, I miss Cydney Paige more than ever, and for some reason I am haunted by the fact that I was told by a nurse to leave her side when she wailed for me. It hurt even more when she stopped when I left, the nurse said that she was smelling me, so if she was, why couldn't the nurse help me to hold her and comfort her??? Why did I have to leave her side, those were precious moments that I could have had with her.

Please forgive me for being such a wimp. I know most of you understand, but I really don't like to add anymore pain.

I really need to dig in deep and find the strength and courage to get through these exams, it would probably do me good, so somehow I will find a way to do it with my child's memory at my side. I probably sound like a confused nutcase.............

karla

[Jessi Hill]

Karla-
I don't have any words of wisdom, or anything that will make the pain lessen... just know I am thinking of you and I wish I could be of more help to you. Do what you can for now... that is all we can do.
(((((((HUGS)))))))