Greif is ruining my marriage

[Tara Roberts]

Ever have the feeling that your husband wants the fun loving, free spirited wife back? I am recently taking note of how different me and my husband are at this time and wondering if things can ever be the same. Lately my Husband is wanting to "go out" have fun and ignore what blew my happiness away. I cannot go to that happy place with him, nor do I want to - Christian showed me how every moment is so precious and valuable, I don't want to waste my time going to a bar and dancing.
Does anyone understand?
Last Saturday I caught my husband in a lie, a very meaningless stupid lie, I confronted him and he blew me off and wasn't in the least concerned or sorry. That's the disturbing part... Any lie is a lie, and should be apologized for. I called him at work today and he had already left for the day. It would have been so unlike him to not tell me he's coming home early....who know's what is normal now. I am so scared my life is going to be upended once again, I don't want to lose another person I love dearly but I also can't change my emotions.
Not only am I depressed I am paranoid too! Wow, I am really a catch, aren't I? Who can blame my husband for looking for someone/something else?

[Janeice]

Tara-
I understand and feel your pain, although the first week after he was born was the best ever between Duane and I, it seems to have been a downward spiral since then. We have had way more arguements than ever, I feel we are drifting apart. I am not going anywhere, I love the man to death, but I cannot stand the whole bar scene thing either. I have come to a point recently that I just do for myself in the mean time. He just isn't there for me like he was in the begining. I focus on what I want out of life, and everything I do is in the direct path of that. Ex: I want try and conceive again this year, I am a trucker, and know that I cannot be pregnant in the truck again and risk loosing baby #2, so I decided to go back to school starting this summer for and RN, but first step, I need money, so medical assisting is a one year program, I can get pregnant during school when I can be sitting on my butt looking at books and have the baby. During the mean time I am going to live off of school loans. I will continue trucking now until school starts. Duane agrees with my plan. He does his thing and I do mine, we get together when we can meet in the middle. I am afraid to preassure him, so maybe if I back off a bit, then he will come back to me. I very sensitively tell him the things that bother me, and how it makes me feel. Ex: you are being very disrespectful the way you are talking to me right now, I don't appreciate it. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. We need to get back to the way we were, respectful to each other, I will listen to your problems, but don't take them out on me. I am probably rambling on, sorry, but thats my thoughts, hang in there. You will get through it if he is worth hanging on too. Praying for your relationship.
Janeice

[S Jensen]

Not trying to stand up for him here, but just giving possibly another way for you to look at things.

Guys are dorks. Ok, not all guys and not really, but on the whole that is how it best helps women to view them I think to keep from going crazy. They generally have a "gotta fix it" sort of mentality. If there is a problem, they feel they must fix it. With something like this...what can they do to fix it, NOTHING! That tends to make them feel powerless. I'm sure he doesn't want to see you hurting. I am betting he wishes he could make you stop hurting but since he can't, he's going to try to sort of run and hide. Also, when a guy is hurting they tend to stick their emotions into an internal man cave of sorts so they can keep grunting and bashing things on the inside while a little bottled up place inside cries where no one else can see. To do that, sometimes they have to get more blustery and gruff on the outside because they are afraid people can tell that inside they have a part of them that is in pain. Fighting against their emotions is what they think they have to do in order to keep the macho appearance up. For some guys, going to a bar with their buddies would be the perfect way of getting some of the bottled up feelings out. It could be possible that he's trying to run from his feelings of inadequacy (not being able to help you, not being able to stop hurting, and maybe even wondering if in some way he is responsible).

The lying though...that I wouldn't like. I think I would tell him that it hurt you because you want to be able to trust him completely. You can tell him that you don't feel like you are a catch right now but that you will become a normal human being again if he can just be patient. Be honest, let him know exactly what it is you need from him. Ask him if he needs anything from you (emotional or otherwise) too and acknowledge that he may be still suffering but handling it completely differently. If he's the sort like my dad where when faced with the fact that they can't fix something they tend to get defensive and loud, write him a letter even telling him what you are feeling right now.

I hope things even out after a while. If you two can get through this together supporting each other, it will make your relationship stronger. As it is though, I think you are having a very common sort of problem. I know that doesn't help, knowing you aren't alone in difficulty, but maybe it will make it seem less like you are going crazy.

Sara

[Dave Cisco]

There are very few thing about us that are more powerful than our minds...when it's hitting on all eight cylinders, it can cause/allow us to accomplish unbelivable things. When it's not, it can take us places we totally don't understand....depression is no joke, and we all handle it in different ways....been there several times.
I think I'm a pretty smart person, but my mind has wrapped me around an axle several times. Talking to a person trained to understand how the mind can fool us is not showing a weakness; it's really a pretty smart thing to do. I have spent 30 minutes talking to a therapist on a couple of occasions just for a "sanity check"...worked wonders for me to get another(qualified) perspective on my problem.:)

PS
All men are not Dorks....sometimes we just pretend :D

[S Jensen]

All men are not Dorks....sometimes we just pretend :D

ROTFL...I'm glad you took what I said as it was intended. I'm married, love my husband and I have 2 boys...I do NOT think all men are dorks. They are just wired very differently than women are on the whole. :)

Sara

[Tara Roberts]

Thanks everyone... My emotions are so extreme still: either way high or way low. Thank God I don't react and make life changing decisions on the spot, I am taking it day by day and am hoping for the best. I just hope the seperate paths we're both on come back together soon. Men are definitely wired differently and us women have the raging hormones to deal with after delivery... It will be OK in the end, I just need to have some faith.
By the way, I spelled Grief wrong and no one said anything :O) thanks!

[HAINAngel2000]

This is very normal, it can come back! We lost our little Mariah Belle July 2000 and I can tell you it can come back and you can grow an even bigger bond together as you shared something together and that is your sweet baby. Right now your hurting and the natural man instinct is to try and take your pain away. Men don't always know how to address it the way we think they should, but that is all He is doing. Men heal differently then we do, they are not the same as we are and will not act like we do. Know that He is not trying to take away your memory but trying to reach out the way he knows how and that is to love you and bring you joy even if its a small way, and he is trying to be there for you. Men laugh when we think they shouldn't, doesn't mean they forgot or will forget just means that is how they are dealing with it at the time, but when he is alone iwth his thoughts he may cry or be sad.
It may not be how it is with you, but I know that we all heal differently and maybe this is his way.
Mary

Later added: Please forgive me for getting off subject. I just re-read what you wrote. And missed some of what you wrote and responded not on subject

[marylouise]

Tara,
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Big Hugs

[Diane Graham]

My Dear Tara,
I only wish I could will your pain away. Having experienced this same type of loss, I was able to see how much men and women grieve so differently. When we lost our son, my husband went to work the very next day, while I wasn't even able to bring myself to get up and dress myself. I felt like I was an incomplete soul, floating around with no body. I thought I would never recover, much less be able to even function at all.
The first thing everyone said to us was "watch your marraige" at first that made no sense, because I thought nothing could ever seperate us. It seemed that the sadder I got, the more he was distant, and it made me feel worse. I do want to tell you that the grief will subside, and lessen in time. Yes you will always have memories, but they wont always be burdened with the loneliness.
I did get into counciling, and did it for myself, and finally began to heal. And as he saw that I was getting better, WE began to get better. That was 17 years ago, and we are still here, together, and stronger than ever. I wish you peace and comfort, and your feeling of "wholeness" will return......I promise...

[Cheryl Haggard]

I think the majority of fathers who have lost children, want to bury their emotions and feelings...I think that so much is geared toward the mother, that they always feel they have to be the ones to carry us.
I too, have struggled in my marriage. We are either at an all time 'high' or an all time 'low.' It is frustrating. Your life will never be the same, so not only are you dealing with the death of a child, you are dealing with the death of your 'previous' life. I have learned to speak up, and say what I am feeling. Lord knows, I have always been one to harbor a grudge...I am trying to be more open, and let other know how I feel. If I don't do this, I get angry, and upset...I don't want to be like this anymore...
I think that this is the only advise that I can give you...Say how and what you feel. But also look for that happiness in your life again. You really can find it...

Also, it is important to get away with you husband. Just the two of you. You need to learn how to be a 'couple' again.

[Diane Graham]

Great advice Cheryl ,
Learning to be a couple again is most important. Even if it is short little "dates" but it all adds up. Especially after a huge devastation and loss, you need to create some, New History between you. Some happier times to look back at...... it Will help......:)

[Diane Davis]

Prayers that you all find some peace in your grief.

[Tara Roberts]

Thanks everyone ... It means so much to know that there are other people who feel similar and have such great advice.

[Lindzy Foster]

i feel like this could have been my thread as well, for the nine glorious days our daughter was with us my fiancee and i were so close and since she has been gone we have had some huge fights and points where i wasnt sure what was going on, he too wants to return to the life of "partying" and social scenes where i prefer to have small gatherings with friends in private and he doesnt seem to understand y i cant go back to the way i was...though honestly i've explained to him that i now cant handle public places well, i just panic...he doesnt believe in counseling but i have told him how we really need it and we went to our first support group together the other night and he says it really opened his eyes to what i was feeling...im sorry to ramble on Tara i just wanted to let u know that ur not alone and tell u im thinking of you and that i love the pic of your Christian he looks so angelic...
Lindzy