Scott Hays
01-10-2006, 09:42 PM
Ok dad's, one of these days you'll get tired of seeing my name up here, and you'll join me. Until then, I'm what you get.
A lot of soul searching has been going on since I joined the forum 2 months ago. Some people might say, "geese, it's been 19 years, what's up with that?" Well, first of all, to all who read this, let me give you this. It does get easier. It gets a lot easier. At first it seems as if everyday it is going to take everything you have just to take a breath. There's that emptiness inside you that no matter what you do just can't be filled. All of us here know those feelings. We don't know to what degree your pain is, but we know it is there. (where's he going with this?) My pain has stayed because I refused to face it.
This isn't just addressed to the dad's out there, but we will tend to do this more than the moms. Every year for nineteen years I tried to act like I acknowledged Lindseys death. On her birthday I would buy her flowers, we collect angels for her, so when we saw one that struck us just right, we would buy it. I thought I was doing my part in participating in the grieving process. I would mention her everyonce in awhile, briefly talk to my wife about her. Mostly, I would fill my time with other things. It was all in the past, why drudge it up?
Nineteen years later, and putting it all in the past has finally caught up with me. Maybe it's because I feel I finally have a support group here at NILMDTS. What ever it is, it's wearing me out. I'm one of those individuals that will admit that he has a shrink and a therapists. They've gotten an earfull lately. My wife has gotten an earfull as well. Stuff that I should have been talking about for the last 19 years is suddenly coming out in the last month. In talking with my wife, she said she would try to talk to me about it, and I would just glaze over, and move on past the topic of Lindsey. I don't remember, but I don't even know if I could say Lindseys name at first. I sucked it in.
One thing I do know, is that while I thought I was being a great parent to my other children, the more I shut down to Lindsey, the more I seemed to distance myself from my other two children, and they came after Lindsey. NOW! That's not to say that's going to happen to you, or that you're doing that, but guys, when you start to shut down, you start to shut down to everyone around you.
It's the hardest thing to do. Sometimes we think that if our wives are talking about our child, that they are speaking for us. Doesn't really work that way. We actually have to do the talking for ourselves. No, you don't have to lay on a couch and hold a box of tissue, although, if you actually talk about how you feel to your spouse, they may need the tissue, so have them ready just in case.
To help shorten this short story gone long. Don't turn around and find yourself on this forum 19 years later being the guy who says "don't do what I did". I'm far from being an expert, just a lot of personal experience. Please, if nothing else, ask your spouse how they are doing everyonce in awhile. Let them talk, and if they ask you, be honest with them. Honestly, we've just lost our child, how well can we really be doing? Grief presents itself in different ways, I've previously talked about that, but remember that there are usually more than just the one of you involved.
Lookie there, didn't cost you a thing this time...
Take care all. By the way, how bout them there Denver Bronco's? (Don't hold it against me, my wife makes me say it... she's hardcore when it comes to her Broncos)
A lot of soul searching has been going on since I joined the forum 2 months ago. Some people might say, "geese, it's been 19 years, what's up with that?" Well, first of all, to all who read this, let me give you this. It does get easier. It gets a lot easier. At first it seems as if everyday it is going to take everything you have just to take a breath. There's that emptiness inside you that no matter what you do just can't be filled. All of us here know those feelings. We don't know to what degree your pain is, but we know it is there. (where's he going with this?) My pain has stayed because I refused to face it.
This isn't just addressed to the dad's out there, but we will tend to do this more than the moms. Every year for nineteen years I tried to act like I acknowledged Lindseys death. On her birthday I would buy her flowers, we collect angels for her, so when we saw one that struck us just right, we would buy it. I thought I was doing my part in participating in the grieving process. I would mention her everyonce in awhile, briefly talk to my wife about her. Mostly, I would fill my time with other things. It was all in the past, why drudge it up?
Nineteen years later, and putting it all in the past has finally caught up with me. Maybe it's because I feel I finally have a support group here at NILMDTS. What ever it is, it's wearing me out. I'm one of those individuals that will admit that he has a shrink and a therapists. They've gotten an earfull lately. My wife has gotten an earfull as well. Stuff that I should have been talking about for the last 19 years is suddenly coming out in the last month. In talking with my wife, she said she would try to talk to me about it, and I would just glaze over, and move on past the topic of Lindsey. I don't remember, but I don't even know if I could say Lindseys name at first. I sucked it in.
One thing I do know, is that while I thought I was being a great parent to my other children, the more I shut down to Lindsey, the more I seemed to distance myself from my other two children, and they came after Lindsey. NOW! That's not to say that's going to happen to you, or that you're doing that, but guys, when you start to shut down, you start to shut down to everyone around you.
It's the hardest thing to do. Sometimes we think that if our wives are talking about our child, that they are speaking for us. Doesn't really work that way. We actually have to do the talking for ourselves. No, you don't have to lay on a couch and hold a box of tissue, although, if you actually talk about how you feel to your spouse, they may need the tissue, so have them ready just in case.
To help shorten this short story gone long. Don't turn around and find yourself on this forum 19 years later being the guy who says "don't do what I did". I'm far from being an expert, just a lot of personal experience. Please, if nothing else, ask your spouse how they are doing everyonce in awhile. Let them talk, and if they ask you, be honest with them. Honestly, we've just lost our child, how well can we really be doing? Grief presents itself in different ways, I've previously talked about that, but remember that there are usually more than just the one of you involved.
Lookie there, didn't cost you a thing this time...
Take care all. By the way, how bout them there Denver Bronco's? (Don't hold it against me, my wife makes me say it... she's hardcore when it comes to her Broncos)