Need some support

[Lindzy Foster]

The last week has been horrible...we had a huge snow storm here in Iowa and i was snowed in down at offutt air force base in omaha with darin and when we finally got back into town we went and drove to the cemetary to visit Kaydence. I was glad because she is buried under a tree and it had blocked most of the snow from piling on her grave. But i will take a sec to explain that the other part of that is the cemetarys babyland is right along the edge of the cemetary/sidewalk and on the other side of the sidewalk is the main road. We went home and the next day i was out driving to pick my son up from school and decided to stop by cemetary again and the second i pulled up i was furious...some city employee had snowblown the snow from the sidewalk and the area next to sidewalk(including the grassy/muddy area) and blown it so it was all piled directly on Kaydences site. now i understand that the snow has to go somewhere and i know its going to snow on her site but im talking about pretty much a pile of mud they had left right on top of the heart stand we had left there until the spring when we can get a headstone..i called the city and made a complaint and it took a few days but they did go out and clear it for me..Then today i decided that i wanted to watch the video that we had taken of Kaydence in the hospital, i just wanted to see her pretty eyes when they were open, but now i have been sitting here for the last hour crying...I miss her so much and it doesnt feel like its getting any better it feels like its getting worse!!! Darin is down at Offutt this week and I just feel so alone and i keep feeling pressure from well meaning family and friends who think they r helping but they arent...one even told me this week that i should hurry and return to work because she hates to say it but "life does go on" I know life goes on i just dont like that it has to go on without Kaydence...so i just had to vent to you all on here, to people who understand how I feel, thank you all for listening...
Lindzy

[S Jensen]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. Vent all you want! That was ridiculous that the city did that. Any grave shouldn't have a giant pile of muddy snow dumped on it, but that of an infant?! Obviously someone just had their brain turned off that day. I'm glad they went out and cleaned it and I'm also glad you made a complaint.

You know, it hasn't been that long. I know they say things look darkest before dawn...stupid saying IMHO, but it does seem to often work that way with grief. I think it is partly because the shock and numbness wear off, and all you are left with is grief. Life goes on, yeah, but it doesn't mean you have to be the same. You are still here, but why should you behave as you did before Kadence. Life going on doesn't mean forgetting someone important! It means you have to find your own way through your grief in your own time. You'll come out on the other side, but goodness sake, take the time you need to mourn and don't worry about what others think is the schedule you need to be on.

Sara

[Tammy]

Lindzy,
I'm so glad you found this forum as a place to vent~ that is what we are here for, to help one another through those tough days. Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions with us... sometimes, it's a lot easier to vent here, than it is to try to talk with someone face to face.

There are going to be those up and down times. Please know we are here for you when the down times happen. I wish there was something I could do or say, just know we are here. ((Big hugs))

I'm glad you said something about the snow on top of Kaydence's memorial site. How extreamly inconsiderate!!! UGH!! don't people use their heads?! I mean come on! (sorry, but when I hear of things like that happening it sets me off! can you tell??) Anyway I'm glad to know you did what you did.

Ahh... family and friends trying to help. (intentions are good... remember friends and family do not like seeing you in pain, they truly think they are being helpful, sometimes it's not always the case) Take the time YOU need, do what is best for YOU. It's been said many times already, but again.... unless those people have walked in our shoes... man, they don't have a flippin clue, and they never will. Kindly tell them you need their support, not their advice on what you should and shouldn't be doing right now. JMO
Take care of yourself... please know Kaydence and your family are in my thoughts.

[Wendy Armstrong]

hugs hugs hugs!!! loss isn't easy -- and time doesn't take the pain away -- and it isn't something you "just get over". I think people don't understand or try to say something and just get it all wrong. :( but I'm betting your family and friends really love you alot and just don't know how to help.

hugs from me, from all of us. I'll be thinking about you today and sending comforting cyber hugs! :)

[Lindzy Foster]

so i have a myspace and i posted on my blog the bereaved parents wish list and i asked people to read it and tell me their feelings on it or please give me some support because i was really needing it right now...this was two days ago...and it keeps track and so far 48 people have read it and only two have commented...and that was my mother who has been wonderful and i love her so much, and our good friend amanda who came down to omaha and was with us when Kaydence passed away..it makes me sad that those that read it couldnt at least say something...i am reading a book that i got at my support group its called "Silent Grief" and it talks about how everyone kind of shy's away from parents when a child dies and the parents are left to grieve silently and alone...and thats how i feel right now....the only time i feel comfortable or like i have support is from my mom and stepdad, darin, and a very few friends...no one else even calls me anymore and when i call they dont answer and dont return my calls...for those of you who dont know i was married before and am divorced and my older 3 children are from that marriage, my exhusband and i have joint custody so the kids are with me for one week and with him for one week, and this is my week without them and darin is stationed in omaha...so i am alone in my house with nothin but my thoughts to keep me company...thank you to everyone who reads this and just listens, it helps to write it all out...
Lindzy

[S Jensen]

Ok, you need better friends! Is there a support group in your area? Could you contact your hospital and see if they have something? You need someone around you who isn't going to act like you have a disease because you've lost a child. Someone who is willing to go to coffee with you and won't be embarrassed if you burst into tears in the middle of a conversation about spring flowers blooming or your favourite kind of tea...whatever.

Sara

[Jordan]

I agree with Sara. You need to find someone to go out with and vent to. I actually joined a group through my church. This is a ministry is that is confidential. They pair you up with a person that is willing to be there for you - one on one. They want you to meet 2 times a month and let you just talk, cry and/or vent. They are there to give support, encourage, hugs and listen. They are not there to slove your problems. I am just starting this. I am going to meet with my Stephen's minister this week. She has also agreed to let me vent by email. I am finding that I am journaling each night. She wants me to send it to her by email and she wants to be there for me to reply each day and meet with me in perosn every so often. I am actually excited to do this. It is kind of like the forum but a little different.

I hope you can find someone that will encourage and support you in person. I am thinking of you and sending you a hug - but I know an actual hug is better.

Kim

[Lindzy Foster]

i did join the compassionate friends support group and i really enjoyed it but they meet only once a month, and i started a new group last week thru hospice...im not sure if i like it though..we start as a large group with some people there who have lost spouses, parents, friends, children and others and then break down into smaller groups...there is another mother in the group who lost a daughter at 5 months old, she had a similiar heart defect like Kaydence and her daughter and Kaydence had the same heart surgeon, so im hoping that we can connect in some way...most of the people that have been insensitive have been people that i work with so i am really not wanting to go back to work. it is actually quite ironic because i work with mentally challenged children and adults and all of these people have been around people who have passed before, in fact we have lost 5 consumers in the last 2 years so i thought they would be the ones most sympethetic and supportive other than my immediate family of course, but they arent and im considering not returning to work, im thinking about going back to college and getting my nursing degree it might be time for a change..honestly people that were mostly just strangers or casual acquaintances have been better than people we have been friends with for years except for a choice few(Amanda or Cody if you read this)...i have been keeping in contact with our photographer Kristen regularly she is so sweet..but thank you guys for the words of support it means so much to have this place where i can share my feelings openly...
Lindzy

[S Jensen]

My aunt got accepted into some accelerated nursing program in Arizona. It was something where the training was cheap if you worked at their hospital and then if you moved somewhere else you had to buy your way out or something like that. She moved up here to Oregon as soon as she could and was working in a hospital but has now moved into hospice care. The world always needs more compassionate nurses. If you can make it work, especially since you are still young, I would do the nursing. That is just me talking obviously and you need to do what is right for you.

Sara

[Melinda Butler]

Lindzy~
I can tell how much you're hurting, and I'm so sorry your friends aren't there for you- I definately agree that you need new friends... they're out there!!... stay strong~

[erinm]

I too felt abandoned by so many after Tyler died. My family was there but it seemed like friends just acted like it was over and done with. They stopped calling as much and just acted like life was normal. Yet it was obvious it was not normal.
It hurt so much to feel left alone. Thankfully, my mother and step dad came over all the time and cooked us dinner and spent time with us. Then they took us on a 14 day cruise to the caribbean and I think all those things really helped us. I felt like I had space to grieve and had some family support.

But it still hurts that my friends just moved on like it was an event and then done with. I have never had the courage to say something because i dont think they will see it that way. They will think they were there and did the right thing. A lot of people thought we wanted to be left alone to grieve. Funny thing is you want some time alone, but you really need support not lonliness.

Erin

[Tasha Nicholls]

Hey Lindzy.... just so you know, i think I was one of the people who read but didn't comment. If I remember correctly, I tried, but don't have a myspace account so it wouldn't let me.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now... **HUGS**

[marylouise]

Lindzy,Sometimes people don't want to say the wrong things so they say nothing.
Sending you prayers and hugs,
Mary Louise