strollerless

[Sarah O'Neal]

for the first time in twelve years. My twins were 5 when Hank was born, Hank was 4 when Teegan was born. Today was the first nice day. My dh said, "why don't you walk to school with the boys?"....... I cannot imagine that path...with no stroller. Never done it before. Hadn't planned on doing it this soon. I drove.

I thought the song by Kenny Chesney, "Who'd you'd be today" ...the line... "Sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain, like a heavy coat, feel you everywhere I go.", hit home with my step-son, who was killed in a carwreck on beautiful sunny fall day. But, no. Teegan passed away on a dark gray cloudy December day. It was like 30 degrees. No sun. It still hurts the most. I want to see her screaming at the doorstep because she does not want to come inside, just like she did last year that first warm spring day. One of the few temper tantrums I saw her throw. I will be packing away all the winter clothes soon. Do I leave her winter coat in the closet?

Also, on that note... I am thinking seriously about buying an Easter dress for her anyway this year. The pain...its too much. To not walk by them, to not touch them.... I wonder if maybe I shouldn't just get one anyway. Then I can look at them as long as I want. I won't have people watching me in the store with my three boys saying "Ohh you need a girl!"...... am I quacked out or what? I am thinking - 20-40 dollars is a small price.

[marylouise]

Sarah,
Do what you need to comfort you.I can't imagine the pain you're in. I pray that you find comfort and peace.
My Mom died 13 years ago and her uniform still hangs in the close, and I moved my brother's clothes with me & they stayed in the attic for over 15 years...
One day you will take that walk and remember Teegan with smiles.
Hugs

[Jen Eagan]

Crying for you tonight Sarah.

That song means a lot to me too.

Wish we were closer.

[Tammy]

Don't let go of anything of Teegan's you are not ready to let go of yet, if ever. Remember Cheryl's story with the bunk beds?
Buy Teegan an Easter dress. I can picture her in a beautiful white and pink frilly dress with white tights and shiny pink shoes with little flowers or bows on them. Prancing around like the little princess she IS.
I have a strange question. Did she like butterflies? I picture her chasing butterflies for some reason... over and over in my head I see that image.
No, you are not "quacked out". You are a mom missing her beautiful baby girl.
~Thinking of you, and Teegan in her Easter dress twirling around and around until she gets so dizzy that she falls down on her little tushy~ smiling and giggling.~ (((hugs)))

[Rayna']

:( I feel so bad for you! I can't imagine how much your arms ach for her. Please do whatever helps you get through the day. I've bought things representing my two miscarriages from last year & people look at me funny like "aren't you over that yet? Why have something to remind you of THAT." aughh!!!

hugs to you. if it is ok i would like to see the dress when you buy it.:o

[AngieGottsch]

Sarah,
One of my very best friends lost her little two year old girl almost two years ago (it will be two years this month...). She has a blog and I think of you so often when I read it. I thought I would share the link http://grievingwithguinever.wordpress.com/
My heart breaks for you and I want you to know that I think of you often and pray for you through this.

[Amber Schmidt]

Buy the most expensive, most beautiful dress you can find. I told a friend of mine who just put $3K worth of meds to try and get PG again on a credit card... we have to do whatever we need to do to help our families heal and make the pain bearable.

[Jessi Hill]

I agree.. do what YOU need to do- and who cares what others think. It willbe 4 years this month since I had Tristan (he lived until June) and I STILL buy things occassionally. You cannot replace them, all you can do is try to make yourself feel a little better... whatever does that seems to be different for each family.
(((((HUGS))))))

Amber- Isn't it amazing how much that stuff costs!!!! I too am trying again and 5 days of meds was $70 (with insurance!!!!) I thought that was ******! There aught to be a program to reduce the costs somehow. I hope it works out for your friend.

[S Jensen]

You know, I have a bunch of my grandfather's old shirts. I'm planning on making a quilt out of them. A thought just struck me. You could easily buy her an Easter dress each year, take a piece or two or three from it and if you don't sew I would bet someone you know knows how to. Make a quilt out of it and plan on having it be finished on her 16th birthday or something. You could include something of hers from when she was a newborn. Anything you want. Whatever YOU want to do isn't quacked, it is a way of dealing with serious gut wrenching pain.

Sara

[Sarah O'Neal]

Wow thats a really good idea!

[Cheryl Haggard]

I just bought a 'Pooh' Charm for my bracelet this weekend. I have really started to collect to 'Pooh' items for Maddux, and I don't care what anybody thinks. It makes me feel better, and that is what is important. Not to mention, these things can be handed down to my children, and they can have something of 'Maddux's.'

Sarah, do what makes you feel good. That is what is important. We can't ever worry what others think! I really like the quilt idea. I have all my daughters old cheer t shirts that I am making into a quilt, during my spare time...

I am thinking of you Sarah...

I just got back from Orlando, and all the 'should have beens' flooded me.
The swimming pool, Sea World, Disney...Maddux, I am sure, loved it all!!!

Sarah, will you submit some of Teegan's pages to me for a speaking engagement we are doing in April, regarding creating and scrapbooking memories? No originals...
Call me.
C

[Sarah O'Neal]

yes.... pm me your phone number..... I will call tomorrow unless you are busy..

[Jordan]

Sarah - it is funny you mentioned that Kenny Chesney song. While I was at work today my boss (my biggest supporter) came in from running some errands for the daycare and she had been crying. She came up to me and gave me a hug. I looked at her and she said that she just heard that song and thought of Jordan. Then she made me cry.

I love the idea about the quilt.

[Deb Stoner]

Sara, Funny you said that about the first warm, sunny day. I remember that being one of the hardest days for me too the first year without Marah. I just wanted to be out taking her for a walk in the stroller that we got for her shower. It was our first warm day Tues in Columbus. It really brought thoughts of Marah to the forefront of my mind-missing her. I like the idea of the quilt. Maybe you could even save it for your first grandbaby to be wrapped in!

[LoraRenshaw]

I love the quilt idea. And think you absolutly should by the Easter Dress. Your in my thoughts. Lora Renshaw
~~Hugs~~

[Sarah O'Neal]

I was thinking I could take a picture every year and make a mini album....

[Karla]

All the ideas are wonderful, and don't worry about the costs....... My son, Willie always say to me that nothing could cost too much for his baby sis, Cydney Paige. So if your heart says to do something follow it.........

I think of you all the time, I know your pain, yet I cannot begin to imagine how you get through the days.

Karla

[Lindzy Foster]

Sarah,
My heart is aching for you, and you are not quacked!! I think that buying Teegan a dress each year and making a quilt is a wonderful idea...for me i think its normal to want to do things like buy a dress at easter, or buy a present on our childrens birthday, its just like wondering what our children would be like at 3 years, and 10 years and so on, i know i cant help but wonder and wish for the things that i wont get to experience with Kaydence...
thinking of you....
Lindzy