Scott Hays
01-14-2006, 07:33 PM
So awhile back I wrote something about the different stages of grief. I thought it would be easier if I posted them as a lot of you may not have the opportunity to get in and look them up yourselves.
We all use grieve in our own way. Unfortunately, 19 years later, (yup, I'll keep saying that... it doesn't go away, it just gets easier) I tend to start to drink around Lindsey's birthday. Not the smartest thing to do, but that's how I deal with it. I honestly think having NILMDTS in my life will give me a new focus, one not so self destructive. I told someone completely new today about Lindsey. I was giving a photography lesson, and the conversation came around to NILMDTS, and I start to talk about Lindsey. Broke out the pictures and all. I've never done that before. 19 years later, I'm reaching the acceptance stage.
Don't ever think you know the schedule someone should be on in regards to their grieving. You might be the mother thinking the father needs to accept the situation, or the father or someone else wondering why the mother is doing the things they are doing. It's called coping, dealing with their grief in their own way, in their own time.
For the stages of grief, there is no time line, and they may not just come once. There is no specified steps that they come in. They just happened to be listed in these steps. They might all come, some may not all come, again, they may come several times. It's a **** shoot. One none of us can determine.
Until you lost a child and start to deal with it, you'll never know the anguish. Dealing with it is the hard part sometimes.
) DENIAL
In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.
2) ANGER
We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience. I found actually apologising to people after an outburst and explaining you are not yourself for given reasons was often accepted, especially by people who you know well.
3) BARGAINING
Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality and pain of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want thing as they were before. You may only relize that this is happening to you when someone points it iut to you. i know it took me a long time to relize.
4) DEPRESSION
Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be wandering around in a daze thinking that you are feeling numb. You may be bursting helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm please do seek professional counseling. Self preservation is a must.
5) ACCEPTANCE
The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You may still have thoughts of your loved one, but less intense and less frequent. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.
We all use grieve in our own way. Unfortunately, 19 years later, (yup, I'll keep saying that... it doesn't go away, it just gets easier) I tend to start to drink around Lindsey's birthday. Not the smartest thing to do, but that's how I deal with it. I honestly think having NILMDTS in my life will give me a new focus, one not so self destructive. I told someone completely new today about Lindsey. I was giving a photography lesson, and the conversation came around to NILMDTS, and I start to talk about Lindsey. Broke out the pictures and all. I've never done that before. 19 years later, I'm reaching the acceptance stage.
Don't ever think you know the schedule someone should be on in regards to their grieving. You might be the mother thinking the father needs to accept the situation, or the father or someone else wondering why the mother is doing the things they are doing. It's called coping, dealing with their grief in their own way, in their own time.
For the stages of grief, there is no time line, and they may not just come once. There is no specified steps that they come in. They just happened to be listed in these steps. They might all come, some may not all come, again, they may come several times. It's a **** shoot. One none of us can determine.
Until you lost a child and start to deal with it, you'll never know the anguish. Dealing with it is the hard part sometimes.
) DENIAL
In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.
2) ANGER
We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience. I found actually apologising to people after an outburst and explaining you are not yourself for given reasons was often accepted, especially by people who you know well.
3) BARGAINING
Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality and pain of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want thing as they were before. You may only relize that this is happening to you when someone points it iut to you. i know it took me a long time to relize.
4) DEPRESSION
Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be wandering around in a daze thinking that you are feeling numb. You may be bursting helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm please do seek professional counseling. Self preservation is a must.
5) ACCEPTANCE
The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You may still have thoughts of your loved one, but less intense and less frequent. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.