Lonely

[Jordan]

I remember someone telling me that the hard days are when the emails, phone calls, cards and people stop asking me about me or Jordan with concern, compassion, love and the support ends? When people ask me 'how are you?' Are they really wanting to know the truth or wanting an answer 'good - how about you?'. Well that started ending awhile ago but I have kept busy and been on NILMDTS (that has helped and still does) and not relalized the loneliness then BAM it has hit me. It has been lonely and hard to handle life lately.
My husband hasn’t been the most support lately either. We have been trying to have a family for 8 years. We have had 4 pregnanies and only one earthly angel. Now he thinks let's really try this month and it will happen. Hello - we have been trying for 8 years. I don't want to think of that stress right now. Of course I would love to get pregnant but I don't want to get my hopes up and get disappointed. I don't know if it is a guy thing or what but the stress on the homefront hasn't helped.
We have finally set a date for Jordan's burial/service and I don't know if that is bringing me down or what. Of course at my work there are several women pregnant (all with different circumstances - single unplanned and not with the father, 2 planned pregnancies, another single unplanned lives with the father and has a 7 month old already that she can't afford). It hurts to see all of these, work with them and hear them complain. I would give anything to be pregnant, have to pee all night long, gain weight and everything else that goes with pregnancy.
I don't want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but it happens. I am only human. My family has been great but I know if I talk to my mom she will say something like keep your chin up. Well...I can't kept my chin right now. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

[Jen Eagan]

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and want to be selfish once in a while. It's never seemed fair to me that undeserving women who can't handle their kids or don't want them or whatever- can keep having them- while we who wanted them so badly couldn't keep ours. I have no words to make you feel better. But I am sorry.

[Janeice]

Oh Kim-
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Although my brother and my sister-in-law have not lost a child like we have, they had been trying for months, finally they decided to have the attitude if it happens it happens if it don't, it don't. They both got a chance to relax and things started to work.
I know in my own life when I force things to happen they always get screwed up. When I let nature take it's course, things go smooth as silk. My boyfriend really sucks at the supportive thing. I have been reaching out to other people who understand. Its the only way I can keep sane. Its so **** frustrating to try and get support from someone that just doesn't get it.
Its ok to feel down, somedays you just need those down days. It is your every right. We are here for you. Take care of yourself.
((((HUGS))))
Janeice

[Lindzy Foster]

Kim,
I know what you mean the loneliness is horrible some days, i share custody with my exhusband of my 3 earthly angels and i hate it when its his turn to take them it drives me crazy cuz Darin is in the military so he's working most days (14 hour days) and my mom lives hour away so i get so lonely sitting here with only my thoughts to keep me company...and i applaud you for having the strength to work with all those pregnant women, while i do have some pregnant friends i have not been able to face any of them in person yet, im happy for them but just causes to much pain...my one friend is in germany and if you read my other posting sometimes i dont even pick up the phone from her cuz im in a mood and just cant handle hearing about the plans she's making for their baby..last month when i went to my 6 week check up i got so upset cuz it was so wrong to be sitting at that check up w/out a baby and the whole waiting room seemed to be filled with preg women and little babies...
But i wish you and your husband the best and hope that you will get pregnant again soon, oh and darin and i are still deciding on if we can make it to the MISSing Grace with him in the military they just got a new commander at his base and its been kinda hard to plan things lately but would love to meet with you...o and when is Jordans service, i see you said you have set a date? We have been needing to pick out a stone for Kaydence's site but have been putting it off, its just so final...
Lindzy

[calvin's mother]

My work recently hired a 5 month pregnant girl and at first I tought I would have to leave..but she was told of my situation and she is very careful about it around me..I'm just able to start talking to her about it..I think though, if these women at your work are complaining in front of you, you just just politlely say " I wish I had your problems" ..maybe that will get them to shut up...There's nothing worse than seeing a mother being irratated or annoyed about her kids..I want to ring their necks...My husband and I also hit a point where I don't think he understood...I just had to keep telling him I have to do this in my own way..and therapy...:) Are you getting any thereapy? It sounds cleche but it has been huge for me...I see you live in Blaine...I'm in apple vvalley...We could meet for coffee sometime..If you'd like..I know I would......Leah

[Jordan]

Oh Kim-
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Although my brother and my sister-in-law have not lost a child like we have, they had been trying for months, finally they decided to have the attitude if it happens it happens if it don't, it don't. They both got a chance to relax and things started to work.
I know in my own life when I force things to happen they always get screwed up. When I let nature take it's course, things go smooth as silk. My boyfriend really sucks at the supportive thing. I have been reaching out to other people who understand. Its the only way I can keep sane. Its so **** frustrating to try and get support from someone that just doesn't get it.
Its ok to feel down, somedays you just need those down days. It is your every right. We are here for you. Take care of yourself.
((((HUGS))))
Janeice
I can understand trying to relax and maybe things will happen but we have been trying to have a family for 8 years. That is how I felt about when we got pregnant with Jordan. We gave up 1 1/2 yr ago, gave away the crib and other stuff then 8 weeks later we were pregnant. We were so excited then our world came crashing down when we found out that she was not going to make it. It was very hard knowing that since July 2006 (due date 12/17/06) and then she was stillborn in Nov. 2006. We have had so many blessings and so many devasting things happen to us (more in My Story – Our Family Story). We are not lucky enough or blessed with to say ‘ok we are going to get pregnant this month’ and have it actually happen. We have been down the road of infertility on and off for 8 years. Jordan was our only pregnancy that was without infertility help.

[Jordan]

Kim,
I know what you mean the loneliness is horrible some days, i share custody with my exhusband of my 3 earthly angels and i hate it when its his turn to take them it drives me crazy cuz Darin is in the military so he's working most days (14 hour days) and my mom lives hour away so i get so lonely sitting here with only my thoughts to keep me company...and i applaud you for having the strength to work with all those pregnant women, while i do have some pregnant friends i have not been able to face any of them in person yet, im happy for them but just causes to much pain...my one friend is in germany and if you read my other posting sometimes i dont even pick up the phone from her cuz im in a mood and just cant handle hearing about the plans she's making for their baby..last month when i went to my 6 week check up i got so upset cuz it was so wrong to be sitting at that check up w/out a baby and the whole waiting room seemed to be filled with preg women and little babies...
But i wish you and your husband the best and hope that you will get pregnant again soon, oh and darin and i are still deciding on if we can make it to the MISSing Grace with him in the military they just got a new commander at his base and its been kinda hard to plan things lately but would love to meet with you...o and when is Jordans service, i see you said you have set a date? We have been needing to pick out a stone for Kaydence's site but have been putting it off, its just so final...
Lindzy

I know the feeling of having a hard time talking to friends that are pregnant or had a baby recently. My best friend moved back to London a couple years ago. She met a great guy, got engaged and decided to try to have a baby. Well she found out she was pregnant right before we found out we were with Jordan. I had Jordan 11/7/06 and she was 9 days over due with Cameron and had him on 11/8/06 and he is perfectly healthy. It is so bitter sweet that she had him the day after Jordan. I am so excited for her and so jealous at the same time. I don’t know how I would react to her and the baby if we lived closer. Maybe the distance helps for now even though I really need her friendship right now. I am so happy that she is finally happy in a relationship and all is going well.

Keep me posted about Missing Grace. Feel free to email me or PM.

[calvin's mother]

Kim, I just saw that Jordan was born on Calvin's due date....That's so lovely...

[Jordan]

I was reading in Resources to find information something for Jordan's service. I came across this from Rayna and this is exactly what I have been feeling. Thank You Rayna!

Rise & sunshine.
It’s a brand new day.
Reach over the bed & put
On your “everything is fine” mask.
Go through your morning routine
Even though you would rather
Crawl under the covers & block out the world.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
“Where are my shoes?”
Keep your eyes on the road while driving to work.
Do your work routine.
“I am fine. How are you?”
“Have a nice day.”
Don’t scream or cry…just hold it all in.
Try to think about something else.
Don’t do it…
Don’t do it..
Hold it in.
Block out the pain.
Hold back the tears.
Don’t make anyone uncomfortable…we wouldn’t want that.
On the drive home take off your “everything is fine” mask for
Just a few minutes..
Let God hear your pain & sorrow.
Now put back on your mask.
You don’t want your husband & son to see your grief.
Do your nightly routine.
“What’s for dinner?”
“Do you have any homework?”
Go to bed.
Once your husband is asleep take off your mask
And set it beside your bed.
Don’t scream or cry…just hold it all in.
Try to think about something else.
Don’t do it…
Don’t do it..
Hold it in.
Block out the pain.
Hold back the tears.
Don’t make anyone uncomfortable…we wouldn’t want that.
Last edited by Rayna' : 11-02-2006 at 05:48 PM

[HAINAngel2000]

I read this and think, because of our loss and thinking about my husband. I wonder if your husband in some sort of way is wanting to bring a child so quickly because maybe he feels like he some kind of way failed you. (not that he did at all) Doesn't make since to us but I don't believe his heart is necessarily in the wrong place, he may not realize right now your not ready. I could be totally wrong here of course. -Mary

[Rayna']

I am sorry about you losing Jordan. Wow, 8 yrs of trying to have a family. What a heartbreaking experience. I wish I could help you.

[Debbie Kinnaird]

I remember someone telling me that the hard days are when the emails, phone calls, cards and people stop asking me about me or Jordan with concern, compassion, love and the support ends? When people ask me 'how are you?' Are they really wanting to know the truth or wanting an answer 'good - how about you?'. Well that started ending awhile ago but I have kept busy and been on NILMDTS (that has helped and still does) and not relalized the loneliness then BAM it has hit me. It has been lonely and hard to handle life lately.
My husband hasn’t been the most support lately either. We have been trying to have a family for 8 years. We have had 4 pregnanies and only one earthly angel. Now he thinks let's really try this month and it will happen. Hello - we have been trying for 8 years. I don't want to think of that stress right now. Of course I would love to get pregnant but I don't want to get my hopes up and get disappointed. I don't know if it is a guy thing or what but the stress on the homefront hasn't helped.
We have finally set a date for Jordan's burial/service and I don't know if that is bringing me down or what. Of course at my work there are several women pregnant (all with different circumstances - single unplanned and not with the father, 2 planned pregnancies, another single unplanned lives with the father and has a 7 month old already that she can't afford). It hurts to see all of these, work with them and hear them complain. I would give anything to be pregnant, have to pee all night long, gain weight and everything else that goes with pregnancy.
I don't want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but it happens. I am only human. My family has been great but I know if I talk to my mom she will say something like keep your chin up. Well...I can't kept my chin right now. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.


My heart goes out to you. I recently read an article on the grieving process that may help a bit...If you don't mind, I'll share some of it with you. QUOTE: from the book "Surviving Pregnancy Loss" from the brochure "When Someone You Love Dies"-... "People often fail to realize that a miscarriage or a stillbirth is a tragedy for a woman and one she remembers-perhaps for the rest of her life."... "The reactions of these frustrated mothers is not always understood, even by other women. A woman who lost her child by miscarriage wrote: "What I have learned in a most painful way was that before this happened to me, I really had no idea of what my friends had to bear. I had been insensitive and ignorant toward them as I now feel people are to me."... "Another problem for the grieving mother is the impression that her husband may not feel the loss as she does."...One wife expressed it this way: "I was totally disappointed in my husband at the time. As far as he was concerned, there really was no pregnancy. He could not experience the grief I was going through. He was very sympathetic to my fears but not to my grief."..."This reaction is perhaps natural for a husband- he does not experience the same physical and emotional bonding that his pregnant wife does. Nevertheless he suffers a loss. And it is vital that husband and wife realize that they are suffering together, although in different ways. They should share their grief. If the husband hides it, his wife may think he is insensitive. So share your tears, thoughts and embraces. Show you need each other as never before. Yes, husbands, show your empathy." end of quote.
This is just a small sample of what this brochure has to offer. I have found it quite comforting in dealing with the many losses in my life. If you would like me to mail you a copy of the brochure *"When Someone You Love Dies" I would be happy to do so. Just let me know.

*Also if anyone else would like a copy, I have plenty, just give me your addresses and I would happy to mail you one.

[Rayna']

Debbie,

Can you mail one to me? It sounds so similiar to what I went through last year.

[Debbie Kinnaird]

Debbie,

Can you mail one to me? It sounds so similiar to what I went through last year.

Absolutely, Just give me your address.

[Jordan]

I am sorry about you losing Jordan. Wow, 8 yrs of trying to have a family. What a heartbreaking experience. I wish I could help you.

You have helped me more then you know. 'Rise and Sunshine' hit home for me. It is excatly what I have been feeling.
Thank you!
Kim

[Jordan]

This is just a small sample of what this brochure has to offer. I have found it quite comforting in dealing with the many losses in my life. If you would like me to mail you a copy of the brochure *"When Someone You Love Dies" I would be happy to do so. Just let me know.

*Also if anyone else would like a copy, I have plenty, just give me your addresses and I would happy to mail you one.[/QUOTE]


I would love one. I will PM my address.
Thanks
Kim

[Lyssa Sauer]

Kim I cant say I understand trying and being frustrated. You know I was told that this kind of situation can make your relationship or break it. But I have also heard that at this time leaning on your partner may not be such a good idea. So that being said WE are here to lean on one another so honey LEAN. I am sorry for your loss your lonelyness and you fear but we are hear as a group to work thru it together. Honey whats ment to be will. Give yourself time to get back to a norm and get on here. We are all here to listen and we all know that pain and that pain is okay to have. When your mad its okay its okay to cry for no reason-that was my hardest thing, but we all understand and we have all been there. My heart goes out to along with a little prayer for yoru spirit to be lifted. Lyssa

[Rayna']

I like this quote from When Someone You Love Dies...

"The death of a child is usually more tragic and traumatic than the death of an older person because a child is the last person in the family expected to die...The death of any child represents the loss of future dreams, relationships, experiences..that have not yet been enjoyed."

This is how I felt. Each misscarriage was a death of the future & of a dream.

[Jordan]

How true that is! I think that the loss of dreams is what hits harder for me. Dreams are everything. I have dreams of what I want out of life. Tim and I have dreams of what we want. Dreams of what we want our children to be and have our children share their dreams with us. Then to have those dreams stolen/ripped away from us. We as parents want to make decisions for our family to help our children grow up, have their own experiences, relationships and dreams. We did not make that decision to have those dreams even have a chance to begin or end so soon.
Kim

[Cheryl Haggard]

A friend asked me the other day how my mothers day was. I told her that it was bittersweet...
She said I understand that with Maddux there will never be another birthday, or a holiday...
She is WRONG...

There will ALWAYS be another birthday, and Christmas, Easter...Mothers day...Each will be bittersweet, because of our hopes and dreams...

Why can't people understand. The birthdays and holidays, just don't go away...Nothing just goes away...Not even our children...Yes, they have died, but the did not go away...

[Bill Tilton]

Cheryl,

>> ...with Maddux there will never be another birthday, or a holiday...<<

I wasn't there, of course, but I could interpret this another way.

If I said, "... with Maddux, there will never be another birthday where you can wipe the chocolate cake off his face and take a picture or watch him while he opens that special Christmas present" — would that be an acceptable statement? Would that express some of the sense of loss you feel?

And I wonder if that was what your friend was trying to say, perhaps not too clearly. In any event, it doesn't seem like your friend was uncaring in her statement, just not understanding how you feel. If she is a friend worth keeping, she is a friend worth educating. I think you could tell her just what you told us in your post.

Bill

[Cheryl Haggard]

If I said, "... with Maddux, there will never be another birthday where you can wipe the chocolate cake off his face and take a picture or watch him while he opens that special Christmas present" — would that be an acceptable statement? Would that express some of the sense of loss you feel?


This would be wonderful...

And I didn't mean to imply that she was uncaring in her statement. She wasn't.