Almost heard it all...

[Tammy]

Thought I would share some of the comments and statements I remember hearing from family and friends, and how I felt or how I delt with them. I try to always remember these comments and statements were made with the best intentions, only because the people who made them probably didn't know how else to respond or what else to say. They were made in hopes of easing my pain, or an attempt to make me feel better. Sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn't.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." -- this is probably the most common statement people say, I've said it many times myself. The way I feel about this statement is appreciation however, I would appreciate it more if my child's name was included with the statement. This would give me more comfort to know you acknowledge my child exsisted.

"Things like that happen." -- this statement gives no sence of comfort to me at all. I realize these things do happen, but don't tell me this in hopes that I will pass the loss of my child off... like another statistic. The loss of my child is everything but a statistic. He will be apart of me forever, nothing can or will ever change that.

"It's better he (Chase) passed away when he did. He may have suffered more if he survived" -- my thought was, excuse me, but what is that supposed to mean? And who are you to say something like that? I am a grieving parent, if your goal is to comfort me this is the last thing you should to say to me.

"It's probably for the best" or "This happened for a reason" -- the best for who, and for exactly what reason?

"It happened, why dwell on it?" -- this statement left me dumbfounded. The denial stage of grief has been difficult to deal with. If I want to dwell, I will dwell. I realize life has to move forward, but I will never leave my baby in the past and forget about him.

"Things will be better once you get back into your normal routine." -- no they won't. Nothing is normal anymore, or will be again. The things I used to love to do, I have no interest in anymore and only time will tell if I gain that interest back. I could have ten different jobs, I'm still going to think about my baby. I'm still going to wonder how different life would be if he was here. I'm still going to imagine what he would have been like, and how he would have changed over the months and years to come. There is nothing wrong with that.

"I remember feeling the same way when (so-n-so) passed away" -- the loss of a child is different from losing someone who lived for a period of time. There were opportunities to capture many different memories with that person. There was that opportunity to see what that person became. I had only one opportunity to capture Chase's memory, and he was already gone when the opportunity came. I will never know the man Chase would have become.

"You need to focus on what you have, and take care of what you got"-- I have nothing positive to state about this comment, if I were to state how I felt, I would probably be banned from the forum. All I will say is this; yes, I am very grateful for my two boys. But that dosen't mean Chase didn't exsist.

I'm sure there were more comments I could list but need a break right now. The whole purpose of this is to make aware, people will say things. Deep down, they mean no harm... but depending on the day, some of those comments can cause hurt, anger or both. Sometimes you can prepare yourself, sometimes you can't.

[Angela B]

Tammy thanks for sharing ~can you think of things someone saidthat was a comfort ?it's soo hard to do anything but listen in fear of saying something wrong,and of course everyone is different in handling grief .Like some want to be alone and some cannot be alone,some want to talk and others don't .My stepdad lost his six year old and we love to talk about her ,but the mother doesn't talk much of her ,People deal with loss in so many different ways and it's really hard to know what helps

[Tammy]

I guess in my opinion, just being there to listen helps a great deal. For me, people asking me questions like "How are you doing?" "Are things going ok for you?" Even people just offering a shoulder is a comfort to me. Or if I'm having a tough time, someone offering to take my two boys for an hour, just so I can get my mind back on track, and get my emotions back in check. That hour is my time alone with Chase. Looking at his pictures, watching the video, or even walking down to the cemetary. That's my time to cry and release my grief. Of course this is not always possible to do.

What I don't like to see happen is mentioning Chase's name and have everything freeze over like an artic chill. I've been in that situation many times as well. If this circumstance would arise, just asking a simple question like "what do you think he would be like? if he were here", or "what do you think he is doing in Heaven today?" Depending on the day, I would talk for hours. And if I didn't feel like talking at that moment, I would probably say I don't know, or ask me that again another time. People can't be afraid to ask these kind of questions, but if the parent doesn't want to talk about their baby then, don't take it personal...but keep asking every so often, give them the opportunity to open up, with out pushing the issue. It's a very fine line....

Some people have simply given me books to read on grief and loss. This, I have mixed feelings about. Think I have seven or eight books I have not read yet... just because I'm not ready to do so. When I am ready, I will read them.

Right now, in society's mind, talking about the loss of a child is too painful and heartbreaking, so it's simply avoided at all costs. That's the problem, not the solution.

[Erica Stone]

What I find interesting is that people have either disappeared or stopped saying anything at all. It really does make people uncomfortable, and I used to be one of those people. My girlfriend's dad passed away a few months ago while I was visiting my parents. As soon as I found out I knew I had to go to the funeral and just give her and her family some love. (I probably would have avoided it before) I have a different way of looking at things now, and every time we talk I ask how everyone is doing. Those who haven't been in our situation don't have the capacity to understand the grief process, and assume we are weak or dwelling on things if our outward demeanor doesn't match their expectations. I agree with you Tammy - it's a frustrating situation to be in.

[Cheryl Haggard]

A simple hug with no words at all speaks the loudest.

Today I was dropping off Natalie with the Osbergs, (Peter is the one who set up the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep website) and I hadn't seen him in awhile. He just gave me the biggest hug, and I could feel the emotion and tears start to well up.

[Angela B]

Yes Cheryl at the hospital during Izaiah's session the grandmother who I had met before walked in and saw me and said oh Angela that's my grandbaby ~and started crying ~I reached out and just held her .No words exchanged

[Scott Hays]

Keep NILMDTS in your lives. It isn't that people become callus towards you, but the longer it gets, the harder it is for people to understand why and how you can still grieve or "not be over "it"" I have a sister who was a grief counselor for years, and still acts as one in a non-official capacity, and I can always count on her to say the right thing. With NILMDTS, you will always have those who will understand no matter how long it has been. There's a lot of heart in this forum. I'm so glad i've found all of you... you've made things so much easier these days.

[Tammy]

Erica~Yes, it is so frustrating. People I used to talk with alot have disappeared, I haven't heard from them in quite a while. Not sure if they are being polite in giving Dan and I our space and time to heal or what. Maybe they are simply waiting for me to contact them, which I will do in time.

I know it is an uncomfortable situation, for anyone to be in. For the longest time, I did shut myself out from family and friends, and I still am not real comfortable being out in public, I never used to be that way. Home is my safe-haven, but I know I can't continue to do that. It's slowly changing though. Which is a good thing.

Cheryl is right in saying sometimes just a hug is a great comfort. (Wish I had more of them =o) Actions do speak louder than words.

So how do people feel about seeing pictures? That is one thing I have a difficult time with, what I usually do is get that person's email address and send them the NILMDTS link. I feel that gives them the opportunity to view the images and video privatley.
Cheryl, you mentioned showing Maddux's video on your portable, what kind of reactions do you receive back?

[Erica Stone]

My experience so far is that there are mixed reactions from people about seeing Matthew's photos. I sent the NILMDTS website info on my bereavement cards, and I know that some friends went to look. Other people I've spoken to have expressed interest in seeing them, so that's when I'll take them out.

My mother in particular has a difficult time and gets worried about people's reactions. Recently there were some family friends at her house and invariably the discussion turned to me and how I've been doing. My sister (gotta love her) was very open and told them all about the photos - with my mom cringing in the background - and took them out for everyone to see. The thing is, that when you tell someone about this I think the first reaction is "Oh my god, they have pictures of a dead baby!" But if they're open enough, or at least curious enough, they will understand as soon as they see. If people don't like what I've done, I haven't heard, and frankly don't care. I think it's fortunate for them they haven't had to go through this.

I say do whatever feels right to you. And definitely display your photos at home! They're beautiful and they're part of your family history.

[Tammy]

Yes~ I know what you mean. When I mention the fact I have pictures of Chase, I can just see from the expression on people's faces as to what they are thinking. I don't always remember to mention they are black and white. When I ask if they would like to look at his images, there is usally hesitation and a minuet cringe, as if preparing themselves to view something awful, (because before NILMDTS, those were the only images available to parents) but not wanting to be rude and tell you that. I think after people see the photographs, they are surprised at how different the images actually are than what they had pre-conceived in their minds.
I have colored pictures of Chase, but I still to this day can't bring myself to look at them yet... it hurts too much. Too much reality in those colored images...but that's just me.

[Deb Stoner]

It has been two years since we lost Marah. It got easier for me after her first year anniversary. I display her photo in our home next to our other children and I have one in my wallet. I show it sometimes, but it's hard to judge. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to see the look on the face of people. But now that I'm a little more grounded and can take a step back, I realize that I'm not sure how I would have reacted if Marah's death hadn't happened and it was someone else showing me the photo.

[Heather Rivlin]

Tammy,

Thank you for expressing your feelings about this, and for giving those of us who have not been personally impacted by infant death some insight into how seemingly innocent comments can be perceived. It is always a good exercise to change ones point of view and see other angles. I appreciate the examples and agree with you so very much.

[Tammy]

Heather~ Thanks for your reply. The thoughts I share are only my perception and how I feel about certain statements~ sometimes on certain days I have a tendancy to take things way too literal, on other days... I have an open mind. You know what I mean? It just depends on the day... that is what makes our situations so difficult for others (unless you've been there) and how to (what's the word I want to use?) respond to a grieving family. It's difficult for us as parents also, because we never know when those saddened moments are going to come. We could be sitting in a coffee shop with a friend having a pleasant conversation... then all of a sudden something is said, and boom... the memory of our loss is front and center all over again, even if it was the furthest thing from our mind at the time. (this comes from my personal experience)

These very same comments made to another parent might be taken in a different perspective. Everyone is different in how they deal with this... but if I am able to give a little insight, I am happy to help. I'd like to call it a 'generic' insight.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining this in the best way, I'm trying to get my brain to slow down a little bit~ *difficult task!*:rolleyes:
Another post that might help and goes along with this subject .... view post (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=473)

[Heather Rivlin]

Completely understood. I guess we all have that in some form or another where some days we are more sensitive than others and things will impact us differently in different environments at different times. I think just being aware of how things *might* be perceived at least gives those of us on this side of the fence that little bit of insight to be able to be very careful.


(((HUGS)))

[Charlene Lopez]

I'm with you Tammy, I prefer the black and white pictures to the colored ones, too much reality there. We have Daniels picture up in our bedroom and also in our living room and most people comment, "oh how nice, what a sweet photo". Also, whenever I see someone who hasn't had the chance to see his baby book or DVD, I always offer to show them and so far everyone has been very open.

Most of my friends have said that they thought they would be uncomfortable talking about Daniel, but since I talk about him in everyday conversation, they know it's ok and they feel completely at ease with it also. Except one friend, my husbands best friend who was ALWAYS around before Daniel was born rarely comes around these days. It's been over a year and we have seen him probably 7-8 times in the last year. Quite a difference from every other weekend over the last 12-13 years that I've known my husband.

My Mom and Dad seem to have the hardest time with the pictures. They were actually at the hospital when Sandy was there taking pictures so they were very aware of them. However, they have refused to see the video, barely looked through his baby album and they know absolutely nothing about NILMDTS. They just don't want to hear about it. I just know though, with all the wonderful exposure NILMDTS gets, they're going to see Daniels image on the News or in a brochure somewhere and be stunned.

It's kind of frustrating, but then again, they lost their grandchild and I understand they have their own way of mourning.

[George]

Tammy,

May I include some of these statements in the "What Not to Say" section of my "Helping the Bereaved" document?

[Tammy]

George,
Yes, you certainly may use these statements in your document. I read through some of it, what a great resource you have created! Your work is fantastic!