What to do and/or say...

[Cheryl Haggard]

Here are some ideas of what to say and do for a grieving parent and family...

Please let us know that the death of our baby affected you also.

Please let me share my story with you. Over and over again if necessary. Sometimes, I need to keep going over the details until they seem real.

Please send us a card, so we know that you are thinking of us and that we are in your prayers.

If we have other children, please remember them also. They are grieving too. Offer to take them on an outing, because we still can't face the reality "that life goes on."

If you are running errands, please call to see if we need anything.

Please arrange for meals for our family. Something that can be frozen for later would be preferable.

Please don't avoid us. I know it's hard to know the right words to say to me right now, but just being there for me so I can cry on your shoulder, means more to me than you'll ever know.

Please remember our baby on his birthday. A simple card letting us know that you were thinking of him, means so much to us.

Remember the father also. The death of this baby is a great loss for him too. Ask how he is doing. Is there anything you can do for just him.

[Tammy]

Cheryl did a great job covering the basics on things family and friends can do for a family who has experienced the loss of a baby. I would like to share a few more, some elaborate on Cheryl's ideas, some are things that were done for our family and some are ideas from other families, and some my own.

One of the last things on a grieving parents mind is food and cooking. There are several different gift baskets you could put together for the family. Some ideas may be a gift basket of paper plates, napkins, plastic silverware, kleenex, bathroom tissue etc. Or, a gift basket of snack crackers, cheese and fruit, or vegetables and dip and fruit juice. Home cooked casseroles, cookies and bars the family could serve if they have company over are great ideas too. It was nice to have those "quick and easy" items on hand.
Offer to come over to throw a load of laundry in the wash, or other light duty house work. This is something I had done for me, and I truly appreciated it.
Give a gift certificate to the families favorite restaurant, preferably with no expiration date if possible. Or even take out pizza certificates.
Lending a hand if we have other children. Taking them to school events, or out for a meal, to the park or movie etc.
Gift basket just for mom. Bubble bath, shower gel, stress relieving soaks, candles, etc. Or lounge clothing and a box of chocolates or other sweet.
Something for dad. If you know of a project dad's been working on, offer a helping hand. (when time is appropriate) A friend of my husbands bought a case of beer that they polished off together, not sure if it was in one sitting or not. LOL If appropriate, it's an idea.
Something for the other children (if applicable) gift basket of age appropriate toys, coloring books, reading books or even DVD/VHS movies.
Purchase a special ornament or figurine with baby's name on it.
If you think about giving us a call or stopping over for a visit.... don't think about it, just do it. I can't tell you how many people I've had come up to me and say, "I wanted to call you or stop by but...."
It's so very difficult to know what to do, or what to say to a grieving parent. You want to do something, but don't know what. You may feel like it's best to give the family time to grieve. Or there may be feelings of fear of saying the wrong thing, or not knowing what to say at all. These are common, natural human senses, and it's ok. We don't like dealing with difficult situations, plain and simple, so we tend to stay away from them. However, it's at times like these we need our family and friends the most.
As much as you may want to comfort a family member or friend and make the tears stop, unfortunately there is nothing that can be said or done. Just being there for us, and letting us know you are thinking about us, not wanting to run away when we shed our tears truly means alot. This is a difficult task to ask of you, but it also lets us know that you care.

[lizabeth]

I have a mommy that lost their 1st baby to trisomy 13, aside from sending them a card, what else can I send them, since they are so far away from me? Or what else can I do?
Liz

[Tammy]

Lizabeth~If you are comfortable with this, maybe give the family a phone call to let them know you are thinking about them. If they are not aware of NILMDTS, maybe let them know there is an online support group where there are many families who have experienced a loss of a baby. Here, there is a place they can receive support from other parents.

Mailing a gift basket of non-perishable items, a stuffed toy in memory of baby, a special candle... just a few ideas.

[Deb Stoner]

Another idea...
Mark the birthdate of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call. I have found that when friends call and say, "I thought of Marah today." it makes me smile. Just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gave me some comfort.

[Jessi Hill]

I agree that is does bother me when someone (close to me) doesn't recall my son's birthdate. I do think it would be a nice gesture to have a card sent or a call made on that day to show that they are not forgotten. I think the birthday is more appropriate than the date of loss... that is a personal day for me.

[Megan Kitchin]

Honestly, a simple card or phone call means a lot. So many people shy away from you when your child/children die that just letting them know you are thinking of them and their child, acknowledging their baby's existance, makes a great impact. And maybe call them to talk/listen in a week or so and then in a month or so, for no other reason than to find out how they are doing and to allow them the opportunity to tell you about their baby if they choose.

If you really want to send them something, how about a plant or seedling of some kind...something that they will be able to nurture, watch grow and associate with their child's life.

[Jessi Hill]

Truthfully one of the most memorable things I received as a gift after my son died was a gift certificate for a tree. I picked out a birch and we have it in our backyard... it is a beautiful tree that is doing well. I also received many plants (and they are the only ones I haven't killed with my wonderfully green thumb! LOL)

People really do shy away during your time of loss when you really need them the most, they are afraid to say something wrong, or can't handle their own emotions. I think after gowing through something like the loss of a child you really find out who your true friends are.

[lizabeth]

That is such a great idea, about the tree. I will also e-mail her today and let her know about us here, I had not thought about that.
Now let me ask something else, I have just meet a new friend, that live's just 5 min away from me, and her baby has been diagnose with trisomy 13 also, she will be due in Aug. How can I get her involved in NILMDTS?
Liz

[Jessi Hill]

I would tell her that you know about an organization that provides photography services to people who have babies with special needs who may not make it. (I don't think she would want to hear that it is for only those expected to pass away... I would personally try to sugar coat it a little, because us mommies never give up on our babies no matter how bad we are told it is) Let her know the services we provide and then how to reach NILMDTS photographers in her area... just in case she would want to. Believe me photos are not the first thing that comes to mind when your baby dies, I think I went completely numb... and I don't recall some of it. It is a very stressful time, even if expected and prepared for. I personally do not know a lot about trisomy 13, but have seen several postings of babies who passed from it, so it can't be good news. I will keep her and her family in my prayers. I would encourage your friend to talk to others in similar situations on here... she may not want to at first, but I think at times it is easier to "talk" to people you don't know about the things that are the most difficult. Many of my friends "abandon" me when I lost my son, they had no idea what to do or say so they just disappeared. That is rough. Good luck with getting her to join and thanks for being there for her!

[Tammy]

Here is a link from the NILMDTS website where Cheryl talks about parents who are expecting. (Open this link in a new window)http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/index.cfm?PAGE_ID=94

Jessi is right in saying we parents hope for the best when it comes to our babies, no matter what we are told. It's a very delicate situation especially if baby has not arrived yet. Nothing can prepare us for it.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Lizabeth,

To answer your question about your friend that has already lost a baby...
After Maddux died, the only thing I ate was Chocolate...
2nd question:
Please make sure your friend finds the NILMDTS.org website. We are all here to answer any questions she might have. She, baby and family are in my prayers...
Blessings,
Cheryl

[Cheryl Haggard]

Ok parents,
I need to compile a new list from your own words for our new web site.
What was most helpful to you after the death of your baby? I need it to be short and sweet, straight to the point. I want this to come from your heart, and in your own words...
For example:


Mark the birthdate of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call. I have found that when friends call and say, "I thought of Marah today." it makes me smile. Just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gave me some comfort.-Deb Stoner


If you think about giving us a call or stopping over for a visit.... don't think about it, just do it. I can't tell you how many people I've had come up to me and say, "I wanted to call you or stop by but...." ~ Tammy Becker

This is an example of what I am looking for. These will be used under the heading, Helping a bereaved family...Just post right here. I may change them or alter them in anyway that we see fit...Thanks again.
You can post more than one...
Cheryl

[Bill Tilton]

Earlier in this thread, it was mentioned that some prepared meals would be a nice gesture. I just ordered a gift certificate for my sister to a business that provides facilities for making "pre-assembled meals". It occurred to me that this might work nicely for bereaved parents too. You can either go to the location and make up meal packages from the ingredients they have set out for you or pay a bit more and they will do the preparation too. If you were making some for yourself, it would be easy to make a few extras for that special friend.

These places go by different names — Dream Dinners, Creative Dinners and More, Super Suppers, etc. If you do an online search for pre-assembled meals, freezer dinners or meal prep, you should find something like what I'm talking about. Add your state to the search to find something local.

I'm sure many of you are excellent cooks and could come up with home-cooked meals, but it's hard to beat these businesses for convenience and tasty food for the freezer.

Bill

[Estrella]

Please do not tell me to be thankful for the children that I have....I AM! They are the reason I keep going everyday!

Please do not tell me that, "I will have more"...not even another baby can take my pain away. Nothing and No one can replace my baby.

I know you do not know what to say, sometimes, either do I. Just show me that you care. If you can, give me a HUG!

Please do not tell me that my baby is in a better place, how could anywhere be better than my arms.

Everytime someone asks me if I am okay, it is a reminder that I am not.

[Shelly]

There are no words to make this situation better. It's OK to just sit with me quietly and be my friend.

Use my baby's (babies') name(s). Hearing their names may make me cry, but it's OK, you didn't upset me any more than I already was.

I miss my babies and enormous amount everyday, acting as if they never existed makes it harder on me.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Everybody, I still need help on this. This is going on our new web site and I need it from your own words.
I will show you what I mean: This is what I actually have on the new site now. So please, your own words. You may even use or add to one of the quotes below that don't have a name by it. I want all quotes to have a parent name on it!!!



The list below has been compiled from the hearts of the bereaved parents of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Here are some thoughts and ideas of what to say and/or do for a grieving parent and family...

Please don't tell me you know how I feel, because you don't, unless you too, have also experienced the death of a child. And if you have, please share your story with me, and be patient as I share mine. ~ Cheryl Haggard, Maddux's mommy
The most helpful thing people said to my wife and I during that time was "You're in our prayers." Knowing that we were in the hearts and prayers of friends, family, and even strangers, was one of the few comforts we felt. ~Damon Fecitt
Please don't avoid us. I know it's hard to know the right words to say to me right now, but just being there for me so I can cry on your shoulder, means more to me than you'll ever know.
Please let us know that the death of our baby affected you also.
Please let me share my story with you. Over and over again if necessary. Sometimes, I need to keep going over the details until they seem real.
Please send us a card, so we know that you are thinking of us and that we are in your prayers.
If we have other children, please remember them also. They are grieving too. Offer to take them on an outing, because we still can't face the reality "that life goes on."
If you are running errands, please call to see if we need anything.
Please arrange for meals for our family. Something that can be frozen for later would be preferable.
Please remember our baby on her birthday. Mark the birthdate of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call. I have found that when friends call and say, "I thought of Marah today." it makes me smile. Just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gave me some comfort. ~ Deb Stoner, Marah's mommy
Offer to come over to throw a load of laundry in the wash, or other light duty house work.
Give a gift certificate to the families favorite restaurant, preferably with no expiration date if possible.
Gift basket just for mom. Bubble bath, shower gel, stress relieving soaks, candles, etc. Or lounge clothing and a box of chocolates or other sweets.
Something for the other children (if applicable) gift basket of age appropriate toys, coloring books, reading books or even DVD/VHS movies.
Purchase a special ornament or figurine with baby's name on it.
If you think about giving us a call or stopping over for a visit.... don't think about it, just do it. I can't tell you how many people I've had come up to me and say, "I wanted to call you or stop by but...." ~ Tammy Becker, Chase's mommy
Please do not tell me that my baby is in a better place, how could anywhere be better than my arms.~ Estrella Simmons, Anthony's mommy
It always seems awkward when someone asks how many children I have and your not sure if you should say the living number or include those who have passed. Sometimes it is just easier to say the living number to avoid the awkward look or questions. But, then I wonder, who is it really easier for? It's definitely not easier on me and why should I make someone else's life "easier" when I am going through so much pain? ~Tina Denzer, Isaiah's mommy
Truthfully one of the most memorable things I received as a gift after my son died was a gift certificate for a tree. I picked out a birch and we have it in our backyard... it is a beautiful tree that is doing well. ~ Jessi Hill, Tristan's mommyAlthough most people have nothing but the best of intentions, some comments do hurt. Please remember our loss, and speak words that do not sting. Our parents have graciously compiled a list of insensitive comments so you may have a better understanding:

Today I spoke to a friend and told her I was having a really rough week... her response... "Yeah, my week has been really tough also . I have been so busy." And I am scheduled to go back to work soon, so today she asked how I was enjoying my last few days of my vacation!??!?!! Does this look like I have been having a vacation? Is grief a vacation? If so, I never want anyone to go on "vacation" again! ~ Mandy Sheridan, Jake's mommy
A pregnant customer of mine asked me if I was "Still taking pictures after all that happened with my daughter?" I said yes. She simply said..."Oh, by the way...that reminds me, I need to make an appointment to get portraits taken of my daughter when she is born in August." ~ Sarah O'Neal, Teegan's mommy
After a friend returned from her grandmother's funeral she told me, "There's no way I'm going to be buried when I die. I don't want a bunch of worms and bugs crawling through my eyes! Did you know you can be buried above ground?" She was at my daughter, Emma's funeral and knows that we had her buried.~ Julie Bigge, Emma Kate's mommy
I was showing Maddux's DVD to someone who was helping us file papers with the IRS for the organization. We were eating breakfast, and he put his fork down for just a minute, wiped a tear from his eye and said..."I can see how you could get so attached. I do alot of work with orphaned animals, and when we lose a little critter, I feel the same way..." ~Cheryl Haggard, Maddux's mommy

Please know that on the NILMDTS Parent and Family Forum (http://www.nowisleep.com/) our parents speak out and openly about their experiences with the death of their child. What has helped them, and what has not. They'res are stories of great love, great loss, great strength, heartache, grief, healing and courage. Please take a moment to browse through these pages. It is through education that you gain knowledge.

[Lindzy Foster]

My friends and family have been so wonderful, most of them live here in the city we are in and where Kaydence is buried, it gives me a warm feeling when they remember her monthly "anniversary dates" and let me know that they do, with a message to me or letting me know that they remembered her that day and made a special visit out to see her that day....

as for insensitive comments i wish that people would not say to bereaved parents "you are young, you can still have more children" or just plain "you can always have more kids" how do they know that?? some may be unable to have more, their babies death may have been caused by something genetic, or the parents may have spent years and years and thousands of dollars to conceive this baby....no matter the reason or even if we are able to have more children....understand that no child will EVER replace the one i lost...

Sorry so long Cheryl, im sure you will be able to re-word it to fit! HUGS

[Deb Stoner]

Don't be afraid to speak my baby's name. Although her name may bring a tear to my eye, it never fails to bring music to my ears.

[Estrella]

I don't really care to share the story but.....

"get over it...you can't bring him back" these words cut deep into my heart...get over what? and as if I did not know that.

[Cheryl Haggard]

I have read a few posts from parents talking about their photographer being an angel...Does anybody know where I can find this?

[nicoleraine]

As a photographer, what is the appropriate level of out reach?

I have wanted to offer to do all of these things but have been afraid of being too intrusive, trying to offer too much to a family who doesn't know me. Sometimes I feel like perhaps I could make the family uncomfortable by trying to be suddenly "be their friend" when perhaps I should just deliver their images and step away.

Even though I have just met these people who were strangers a moment ago I feel so much for them, I cry for their loss as well.

Thoughts?

Raine

[Vicki]

Raine,

What kinds of things were you wanting to offer to do for the family???
I became very attached to my first family that I had a session with. They invited me to the memorial (I had to decline as I had my grandson that day). They still email me and would like me to be their wedding photographer. Maybe that will happen, maybe not . . . I'll leave it up to them as to whether we continue to be friends or not. I'll follow their lead . . .
Look at Cheryl and Sam . . . their friendship that came from Cheryl's tragic loss launched this incredible foundation.
You'll probably know or feel out which families you'll connect with in that way and which ones you won't. Just from reading your post it appears you have the sensitivity and sensibility to know when to step close and when to step back. And families will either be very inviting or not.
Just my thoughts and I'm sure others with more experience will have better answers . .
Vicki

[Jayme]

Raine,

It never hurts to ask especially if you do it sensitively and specifically. Our photographer, Dave, ask if he could come to Justin's funeral. He later offered to take pictures if we wanted them. I wasn't sure I wanted pictures at the funeral but having the option of having them later if I changed my mind was a great thing for me. I was touched that someone I really didn't know was touched enough by my son to take time to attend his funeral. As it turns out, I don't mind having the pictures from the funeral- it helps me remember who was there and how many lives were touched by my baby.
It certainly can't hurt to offer,gently. Just be sure to listen to the response- not just the words but the tone. Each family will be different.
Thanks for what you do! It really does make a huge difference in the lives of the families you serve.

[amburke2]

Raine,
We feel a connection with our photographer, Karen. She offered us a maternity session before Timothy was born since we anticipated his death, and I guess we just hit it off. She also bonded with our parents in the hospital while they all waited to come into the delivery room. She took part of her lunch break to come to his visitation before the funeral, too. But, as Jayme said, every family is different, so I think that extending a hand and kind word is the best approach. I get the impression many of the people in this situation appreciate that reaching out, and if a family does look at you like you've grown another head, at least you won't be thinking you could have done more.

[nicoleraine]

Jayme and Vicki,
Thank you for your responses and your advice.
I wanted to ask if I could come to the memorial but was too afraid to ask. It turns out that they didn't have one in the end, anyway.

Vicki, I'm not sure exactly what I want to offer other than I keep wanting to give them things to have of their daughter (if you remember I'm the silly girl that will ensure I never turn a profit again if I can help it), but I also just want to be there for them. I guess I feel like I want to be a friend to them even though they don't know me. I keep wanting to offer my time and attention.

I think about them often and cry for them still. Even though we were strangers just a few weeks ago I feel like somehow they've touched my family too, or that they are somehow family in a way... it's a vague idea that I'm having trouble articulating. Thinking of them reminds me of our "Little Butterfly" and how I felt when we experienced loss (though I'm sure it's incomparable to what they and the other parents here are feeling).

I just know that I will never forget them or their angel, and that their grieving probably brings out the care taker in me. I wonder if perhaps I am misdirecting my emotions. However, I still feel a connection and this overwhelming need to give.

I suppose it's best to save some for other families or remember what Kirk said about getting tapped out. On the other hand I also hadn't thought about Sam and Cheryl.

I suppose this all takes some adjustment and introspection. Sometimes I just feel really overwhelmed with emotion, neither good nor bad, just boundless.

Raine

[nicoleraine]

Raine,
We feel a connection with our photographer, Karen. She offered us a maternity session before Timothy was born since we anticipated his death, and I guess we just hit it off. She also bonded with our parents in the hospital while they all waited to come into the delivery room. She took part of her lunch break to come to his visitation before the funeral, too. But, as Jayme said, every family is different, so I think that extending a hand and kind word is the best approach. I get the impression many of the people in this situation appreciate that reaching out, and if a family does look at you like you've grown another head, at least you won't be thinking you could have done more.

Sometimes I feel like I've grown another head! But I think you're right. I would rather know that I gave all they needed than not enough. I will just have to let my gut guide me.

I just don't want to come off as some crazy stalker person! I think I always feel like the person that tried to give too much.

Live and learn, I suppose!

Thank you very much for your response!

Raine

[Jen Eagan]

I have stayed friends with two out of 18 families (family #2 and family #4- also the only two who I went to the funerals for). A couple others I have emailed once or twice but I didn't push, just offered to be there if they needed an ear or a shoulder, and just two stuck around. I am so glad to have those two friends in my life, and I know I would have enjoyed keeping in touch with the others but it just didn't happen- I took it to mean they didn't need me, and that was okay too. (Some of them will email or call me when they are pregnant again, just to let me know- and that's awesome, too)

[nicoleraine]

(Some of them will email or call me when they are pregnant again, just to let me know- and that's awesome, too)

I hope that will be the case for this family - I know they want it so badly.

Thanks, Jen, I appreciate it!

Raine

[Vicki]

Raine,
One of the suggestions put forth in another forum was to be sure to mark the date on your calender with the baby's name. You can then send a card to the family on that date yearly just telling them that you are thinking of them . . . that isn't "stalker" like at all and I am sure they would appreciate that.
Just a thought . . .

I volunteer in other ways in my community and that really satifies the "care-taker" in me . . . perhaps there is something else that you can devote time to that would fill that need and help you balance out how emotional these sessions can be. I work at a local food bank and with a local shelter. It's completely different and funny and BUSY and I've made some great friends.
I also volunteer with local community theaters and that keeps the creative juices flowing and gives me a place to just sort of be in a fantasy world. You obviously have much compassion and maybe you just need to spread it around Snohomish County so everyone gets a bit!!! LOL . . . you have a BIG OLE heart!

[Jayme]

A agree with Vicky, a card each year is a wonderful idea. I know one of my biggest fears is that other people will forget about my baby. Knowing that someone else thinks of him each year would be very comforting. I think it might also be appropriate to send one the first month. That seems to be about the time the sympathy cards stop coming and yet it's the first "big" anniversary.

[Margaret Hatcher]

I have a question about Mother's Day? I did two session for the month of April and this was a first child for both these mothers. I want to send them something for mother's day! I was thinking about sending a card with the baby's image on it and maybe purchasing one of the books that Cheryl mentioned in a previous thread. I just want to let them know that I am thinking about them ! (especially on this day) Is it too soon? Should I just send them a thinking of you card and not one with their child on it? I would love some help,and or suggestions on what to send etc Mother's Day is next Sunday and I really want to do this, so if you could respond as soon as possible, I would greatly appreciate it. You guys are the best!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jen Eagan]

Acknowledging them for Mother's Day is a very thoughtful gesture. Your first Mother's Day without your baby is one of the hardest days to face- after all the post-funeral-buzz has settled down and the world has gone on turning for everybody else.

I still remember mine and how much I did NOT want to face Mother's Day. The world around didn't look at me as a mother, all I could think about was how different it was supposed to be, and I didn't want to face it. It was not as bad as I feared though, my mom and one friend did call me and send a card. It was comforting to know that they still felt like I deserved something on that day.

[Cheryl Haggard]

A card, is such a simple gesture, but its meaning is so overlooked for a grieving parent. Send a card. Just the words, I am thinking of you and baby xxxx, can bring so much healing.

[wills57]

when you lose a loved one thay may be gone but never lost to you it may be one day one week one year that thay was in your life for what ever it was thay will all ways be with you

[mom2angelmichael]

the card is a great idea!