Lost

[Hailey's Mommy]

I just need someone to talk to so I thought maybe I could post here... I do not know what to do, why do I think about Hailey every single second of the day.. I try to work and im not getting anything done constantly crying and I dont know how to make it stop. Everything makes me think about her and I am seeing babies everywhere. I want my Hailey back I want to hold her 1 more time or just see her. I think today is maybe one of the worst days I have had. I know I need to move forward but I feel like I can't. Most of the time I feel as if I just want to go be where my little girl is. I miss her so much and I keep having dreams about her and she is crying and I can't make her stop. I am so lost, confused and angry. No one understands and since im 21 and young "U can have more kids" I dont want any other kids I want Hailey. I miss the way she looked at me and how she ALWAYS wanted her mobile on. My world was the hospital for so long I feel like I should be there and I miss the hospital, How is that? I hated it when I was there. Maybe I am not dealing with this the way that I should I dont know. Wow this is a bunch of just random thoughts. She made me happy for the first time in so long and I did something right for the 1st time in my life and she was taken from me. WHY?? Why will no one talk about her with me? Why is everyone acting as if she did not exist? How can someone so beautiful be so sick? Why do the women I work with constantly complain about something their child did?? I think very highly of everyone in here because I just do not see how you stay so strong. Why do I not feel like doing anything? I am young and I am supposed to be having fun right? This is the worst time in my life. I just want to give her a real bath and put a little bow in her hair and buy her a pony and hear her say momma and John was so excited about Hailey and I feel like this is all my fault and that I let him down. I just miss her so much and I just want this sadness to go away because crying does not change this situation or make it any better. Complaining does not make her come back but I just do not know what to do. She is in a better place now where she does not suffer and my head knows that but my heart doesn't.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Call me...
303-596-6935

[Rayna']

I am so sorry. It hurts so much when you feel so alone. I didn't get to see my two babies because I was 10 weeks & 12 weeks but I still felt a great loss. You are more than welcome to talk to me or I could meet with you. I live in Red Oak just south of Dallas. You can call me on my cell phone after 5 if you would like 214 796-9272 or at work before 5pm 214 858-0710. I may not have the right words to say but I am more than willing to listen. HUGS

[Cheryl Haggard]

Jenny,
Everything you are feeling is normal...We all understand the confusion, the anger...the coworkers that aren't counting their blessings...Heck, lets go a step further and say even some family members that don't count their blessings...
Hailey has touched your life in a way nobody else can imagine.
The outside world may say "what is the point?"
But we all KNOW the point. You have been blessed...You have an angel...

Are you keeping a journal?
If not, start one. Write letters to your Hailey...
Tell her about your day...Ask her about hers.

Write poems, and NO they don't have to rhyme...

[Karla]

Jenny,
I am so sorry. You are feeling all the normal emotions associated with the loss of Hailey. I understand how being in the hospital felt comforting, I feel the same same way too, even now and today makes it 1 1/2 years to the day before my baby girl returned to heaven. I feel like going back there, because maybe they made a mistake and she is still there. I long so much to just want to rest my cheeks against hers, smell her and touch her. I found that reading helped alot, there are quite a few recommendations on this site. And off course all that Cheryl has stated above. Believe me it does help, just drop what you are doing and write how you feel, what you think, everything.

My heart goes out to you, nothing we can say would take it away, but we are all here, you are not alone. It might be a good idea to contact Rayna who is close to you.

Karla

A good book to read is A Rose in Heaven by Dawn Wiseman.

[Tammy Councilman]

Jenny,

I hope I have the right words say what's on my heart, I prayed to God I would find them. I wanted to let you know I think about your little Hailey almost every day. I go to the forum and see the images and I cry watching the slideshows but for some reason your Hailey always sticks out in my mind. I don't know if it's because we were so young when my husband and I had our daughter, and we were so blessed to have a healthy child, that I can't imagine going through what you are going through, or just simply the compassion I feel for you and so many others. You have touched my life in a way that I can't explain. On Sunday mornings during Mass they dismiss the children to go to their service and as I watch the children pile down the aisle I cry now. I cry for those moms and dads who's little ones aren't here anymore and the only thing that makes me stop is imagining God ushering all the little angels in heaven to his side to tell them about Him and how much He loves them and how much their moms and dads love them on the other side and anxiously wait to be with them. So, again with tears and (sometimes sobs) I just want you to know you are loved here and you are not alone.

Prayers,
Tammy

[calvin's mother]

Jenny,
It doestn't matter if your 21 or 41..it is all the same..we all hurt the same. And it's nice that you think we are all so strong but I think we could all tell you it is not always that way. We all have our moments of strength and then we have some very dark moments as well. I'm not sure where any of us would be if Cheryl had not started this forum...it brings tears to my eyes to think that i wouldn't have all of you to leen on and make friends.Just keep remembering we are all here for you. You just keep writing to us Jenny,,We will all be here for you... God Bless

[Jessi Hill]

Jenny,
Sending prayers to you over mothers day and everyday. I pray you will find peace. I wish I could make things better for you, it is definently the most difficult thing you will ever face. I lost my baby boy Tristan 4 years ago... and I still think of him daily. I have finally gotten to the place where the tears have slowed and I am able to see his short life as a blessing, Yes I am super sad that we don't have him here, but I am also blessed to have had him in my life- he changed everything for the better... even though it took a long time to see it, I am a better person.
Hang in there and know that like everyone else has said these thoughts/ feelings are normal. We are here for you!
((((((HUGS)))))))

[Hailey's Mommy]

I just wanted to take the time to say Thank you all for such nice words...even though I think about Hailey all the time I am doing much better today and I have started talking to a therapist. I really like her and feel that it will really help having someone to talk to. I am thinking about joining a support group and my therapist encourages it. Has anyone done this and How do you like it?

[Hailey's Mommy]

We found out the results of our Genetic testing and I am the carrier of the mutation in the sox9 gene. With that there is at most a 50/50 chance this would happen again in future children. We found out a couple of weeks ago and have an appointment with the genetic counselor on June 13th. I never knew things like this could happen. and if my gene is mutated the same as Hailey's was why do I not have the same disorder? Very Strange. But now we know and we know what to look for in the future. Now the question is Do we try again??

[linda]

Jenny,

I'm sorry that I am just now reading this and wish I could have sent you my prayers a week ago. I will be praying for you NOW! Hailey is with Our Father in Heaven and all our angels are loving the fact that we have joined together to support eachother. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It is ever so hard to move to the next day. Today marks 11 months since I lost Ethan and yet I feel the pain coming back as I start to think about his 1st birthday. It will come in waves as you see...I'm so glad that you are feeling better and asking questions. Let me also add what an incredible Mother and Woman you are! 21 and with your first born child learning to embrase what has happened to you. People, Co-workers, neighbors and (some) friends will never be the same. It's not that they mean ill harm in their words it's just that they don't know what to say and people don't know how to talk about babies dying. We will always be here for you to share your thoughts, good or bad! You'll find your way each day - and if you let her, Hailey was here to teach you a life and love lesson that no one else could. Let her do that for you.

As for the future, I have a friend in NE that has 4 children. Her first born daughter was born still at 40 weeks and she was 20 yrs old. I don't know how that must feel to lose your first born child at such young age but I can tell you the loss of a child is the loss of a child. I was 31 yrs old last year when I gave birth to Ethan and my heart and life will never be the same. I will say that it probably is very hard to wonder why, and what if we have more children what are the chances. I guess the only advice I could offer is, if you trust and believe in God than let Him guide you. We are all so different here. There is no right or wrong answer. Follow your heart, follow what you desire and we'll continue to pray for more children if that is what you desire. If you decide to not have more children we'll be here just the same.

Praying for you and your family and sending our hugs for Ms. Hailey today...I'll ask Ethan to give her kisses! :D

[Lyssa Sauer]

Glad to here you are doin better as if that is what it is.. I know your feeling and I know them all to well although Payton was a suprise to us cause I felt I was fine with two God gave me another and I will never be complete again a part of us is gone and that will never change but I wish you well and as Linda said follow you heart and what god is telling you what is ment to be will, cause I was done wiith three but that wasnt gods will for me so now I have three. I hope that you find answers at your appointment and I will pray for you. Hugs Lyssa

[Lindzy Foster]

Haileys mommy,
im glad you have went and talked with someone and that you like them so well, ive been to a few people but have not been able to find anyone i really like so far, but as far as support groups go i have been attending our local chapter of the Compassionate Friends and it is wonderful...we meet once a month and its very nice to sit down with people who know the loss of a child, i went to a diff group but was for people experiencing diff losses like, spouse and grandparent and others and it just didnt feel right....you can go to websites or call a local church or hospital and they should be able to give you names and times for groups, or even the funeral home....and as far as your second post on the gene you carry and trying again...i too believe that is only for you and your husband to decide and put into God's hands, only you can know how you will feel, i know we have discussed it and have decided to wait awhile and go speak with a genetic counselor as well, im just so scared...but i want to have more children if possible....sending you (((hugs))) and prayers for your appt..
Lindzy

[Julie*B]

I just wanted to add that we joined a support group through the Hospice in our town that was specifically designed for parents who have experienced miscarriages,stillbirths or infant/newborn death and it was the best thing we could have done. There were only 6 sessions, but 3 of us couples still try to meet once a month on our own. Sometimes it's just nice to actually sit face to face with people who know what you're feeling. You may even find new friends who are going through the exact same situation as you are.

[George]

Hailey's Mommy,

Everything you're describing is normal. Grief just has to be expressed in its own way, in its own time. There is no wrong way.

Eighteen months ago, it was inconceivable that I would ever stop thinking of my daughter every second of every day. Now, I think of her every day, but not every second. I don’t think that will ever change.

There are so many times when we are having a fun family moment and my heart will break because Ezri is not there physically to share it with us. People who have never lost a child cannot understand how you can be joyful and heartbroken at the same time.

Grief therapy really helps. For me, writing down my thoughts in a journal also helped.

When I read a new story where someone dumped a baby in a dumpster, killed their child, was convicted of child abuse, etc., I get so angry at the parents. I want to scream at them, “YOU IDIOTS! DON’T YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD IS THE SINGLE GREATEST BLESSING IN THIS LIFE! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?”

I’m just up the road from you. We, and everyone on this forum, hears you and cares.