i just dont understand

[jaiew]

please can someone explain why it always hits at night. i have a pretty good day concidering and when i lay down to go to bed it hits like a ton on bricks. i lay there and go over everything in my mind like a horror movie. the day we found out, my delivery, every day at the nyicu, and i can so vividly see the day we let him go, and i just feel like throwing up. all through the pregnancy and now my deamons seem to always come out at night. i just want my little guy back. when i get like this i keep thinking that i want another baby NOW, but i have to keep telling myself that even if i had another one it wont be Carey. i dont understand why i feel that i want another one so bad it has only been 2 weeks since Carey passed. all i want is my little man in my arms rocking him in a rocking chair kissing his little head and his big feet. sometimes i just wish i could forget for a while and go back to life before all this so the pain will stop even if only for a short time. I look at all of you that have made it passed the first anversary and im amazed at how you did it. wondering how i will find the strength to get out of bed each day. sorry for the long rant but thank you for listening.:(

[Erica Stone]

Jaie -
I'm so sorry...
Mine hits hardest at night, too. I think it's because there's nothing else to distract you then. I have had so many nights where I had to get out of bed and go into another room in order not to wake up my husband. I have relived each moment over and over again in vivid detail in the dark. ALL of your feelings are normal and expected - you just had the worst thing happen to you. I was like you in the beginning, unsure of how I'd make it from one minute to the next. Just last monday was Matthew's 2nd birthday - I never in a billion years imagined I would make it to this time, but I have and you will too. It will be difficult, but we are all here to listen to you and help you as best we can.
Much love to you...

[calvin's mother]

Dear Jaie,
Have you tried writing those memories down when they come to you at nite? I write to Calvin or talk to him before I go to sleep. Actually I fall asleep talking to him. You may find that somedays you don't get out of bed. I didn't. There is nothing wrong with that. I know the feeling of wanting another baby NOW. And no, it's not about replacing Carey..It's about being a mommy. That's not a bad feeling to have..it is a very normal feeling to have. Your mind and body have been getting ready to do all the things a mommy does and now your body is confused just like your heart and mind are. None of us here know why our little angels were chosen to go to heaven so soon..But they are all there together and I bet that Carey has more friends than you can imagine. Are you talking with any therapists or anyone? I know this is all so fresh for you. I didn't talk to anyone untill about a month after Calvin passed away. Things are going to be difficult and painful. I know that feeling all to well..I just wanted the pain to stop..and slowly the pain will lesson. It has been a little over 7 months now for us. The pain isn't as sharp but it still hurts. It will always hurt but at some point the good days will be more and the bad days a little less. I hope and pray you find some peace in your heart Jaie. At least for a few minutes each day for now..but you also need to grieve. You have to. For yourself and for Carey. There are so many people here to listen and help you. And many of us are only a phone call away. If you ever want to talk just let me know. Hugs, Leah

[Lyssa Sauer]

What you feel is normal..I did the same thing wishing for a baby but knowing its just truly your child you lost that you want back. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Night is when things get quiet people arent around and you have time to think and remember. It has been almost three months I lost Payton and I still struggle at nights. I will pray for your comfort. We are here day and night if you need a shoulder we are here. May your nights get a little easier. Lyssa