Insensitive Comments

[cheryl]

I have always considered myself a patient person, but feel that in light of my "new life," letting things slide and politeness have been a challenge for me lately. My husband's brother called this week and was asking about our weekend(Mother's Day) my husband remarked it was "bitter sweet." To which he was asked "why." He explained that we were blessed to have our two precious children, but we were missing one(which he still did not get). I just about lost it.... To think that this has to be spelled out for people is driving me crazy--what saddens me more is that this is his family--his support system. How do you tactfully handle comments like this? I know they don't know it because they are not living it, and I pray they would never have to, but all would ask for them is to please consider for a moment from my shoes. Any wisdom?????

[Art]

I'm sorry that this has hurt you on this poignant day, Cheryl! You have been through so much with your Angel, Maddux, that you should be given an eternal 'pass' from stupidity and insensitivity! But you and Sam have also given so much, to me personally, and to the world with your creation of NILMDTS!

People grieve differently, and some choose to ignore the pain (which causes long-term problems, IMHO). The fact that your brother-in-law is rather obtuse in this area is bothersome. I'm sorry!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Hey Art...Wrong Cheryl...

[Art]

Oops!

[LoraRenshaw]

Cheryl,
Some will never "get it" family or not. And your right, we all hope they never have to go through what you and so many others do. I wish I could offer great words of wisdom, but I have none. What I can say is that I will truly keep you in my prayers and although bittersweet your precious angel looks down on you from heaven sending love, hope and happiness to you. We all hope that people try to understand, this doesn't always happen. My hope is that each day you are stronger in faith, and family and friends have kinder hearts and more understanding.
Bless you..Lora

[anr0014]

So to go along with the great mother's day comment I got from my friend telling me another of our friends had her baby, she was so excited, she kept having to go over and play with the baby.

Today I spoke to her and told her I was having a really rough week... her response... yeah my week has been really tough also "I have been so busy". And I am going back to work on Monday, so today she asked how I was enjoying my last few days of vacation!??!?!! Does this look like I have been having a vacation? Is grief a vacation? If so, I never want anyone to go on "vacation" again!

Sometimes I just want to scream at people!!

[Lindzy Foster]

mandy,

im so sorry she said that to you...of course its not a vacation, as if any of us enjoy this, ive had people say that im just taking advantage of my "situation" which is bad enough in itself that they are calling it a situation but i decided to quit my job after not receiving any support from them and quite a few rude phone calls and letters....darin says whatever makes me happy and i need to do for myself right now is fine with him....so i am taking the summer off to spend with my other children and try to heal, and may find something part-time when they go back to school in the fall...yes it makes money tight but i just cant handle the thought of going back to that place where people didnt understand and were outright rude about my grieving..if i hadnt had the problems with certain people i probably would have returned....good luck on monday back at work, have you tried to talk to your friend about her comments and how much they hurt, just kindly explain to her you know she means well but she should really think more before she speaks...??? sending (((big hugs)))

[Cheryl Haggard]

Mandy,

Vacation?:eek: ...WOW!!!

I have got to say, that comment takes the cake.
Congratulations!

[BreManley]

Cheryl- some family members just don't get it. I know that with my family we are so close that we have been there for everyone. I would talk to your husband and let him know how this made you feel, and then if the subject comes up again tell that family member that you grieve EVERYDAY for your lost child. Mother's Day and now you will have to deal with what this certain family member might say to your hubby on Father's Day. I would talk to this person and let them know how much this hurt you and hopefully they can be more sensitive on Father's Day.

Mandy- A VACATION?? Oh my word, that is so rude of her to say that. I would have had to let her have it right there. I am in shock she would have had the nerve to say something like that.


Lindzy-Congrats to you for not going back. I think if I had a job that did not take the time to care about me after loosing a child I would have had to quit too!

[Erica Stone]

You can always count on someone to be a jerk.

After Matthew died, my husband called his boss to take some additional time off. He asked if it was possible to use his accumulated sick time instead of vacay and the mega-jerk said, "Well... we'll have to see..." and didn't even offer his condolences - EVER. A few weeks later he called Tom into his office and balled him out for having a "bad attidude". Nice, right??

[Serenity's mommy]

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard...Are you enjoying your vacation? I took three weeks off after losing my child and I can tell you that it was no vacation. What did you say to her? Did you explain that sitting at the table to eat dinner was a chore? Or that your brain was numb? Or that you never thought you could laugh again? Or brush your teeth? Or for me that I couldn't lift my head because it was too hard and all I did was cry until I couldn't breath....Would that sound like a vacation to her? Thank God they have never been through it but it would be nice if they could share just a fraction of your pain. Most people have no idea what a loss we have suffered. No idea whatsoever.




So to go along with the great mother's day comment I got from my friend telling me another of our friends had her baby, she was so excited, she kept having to go over and play with the baby.

Today I spoke to her and told her I was having a really rough week... her response... yeah my week has been really tough also "I have been so busy". And I am going back to work on Monday, so today she asked how I was enjoying my last few days of vacation!??!?!! Does this look like I have been having a vacation? Is grief a vacation? If so, I never want anyone to go on "vacation" again!

Sometimes I just want to scream at people!!

[Dave Cisco]

You can always count on someone to be a jerk.

After Matthew died, my husband called his boss to take some additional time off. He asked if it was possible to use his accumulated sick time instead of vacay and the mega-jerk said, "Well... we'll have to see..." and didn't even offer his condolences - EVER. A few weeks later he called Tom into his office and balled him out for having a "bad attidude". Nice, right??

Depending on how large the company is, there may be recourse.:) Large companies will not tolerate that.

[jaiew]

You can always count on someone to be a jerk.

After Matthew died, my husband called his boss to take some additional time off. He asked if it was possible to use his accumulated sick time instead of vacay and the mega-jerk said, "Well... we'll have to see..." and didn't even offer his condolences - EVER. A few weeks later he called Tom into his office and balled him out for having a "bad attidude". Nice, right??

companies have to give you berevment time (spelling) they dont have to pay you but you can take time off and when you come back you might not have the exact job when you left but they cant drop your pay.

[Jessi Hill]

I too am sick of the stupid things people say.... Like
"You're young you'll have more" (NOT EXACTLY AFTER ALL THIS)
"God only gives you what you can handle" (OH REALLY>>>>>)
"You should be thankful for what you do have" (I AM, Bu thtat doesn't make my desire any less)
"At least you have Trinity" (She is what keeps me going)

OK I know I am lucky to have one child... no matter how she came to us, but is it so wrong to want to have another. Tristan is a blessing, but he didn't get to stay long, and all of my other losses... what did I do wrong. If God only gives you what you can handle... and if I am sooooo strong.... Why do I hurt so bad, what am I supposed to be learning, and how far is he gonna push me, cause I am not sure what else I can handle.

Work sucks too.... Nothing has even been said, no card... nothing from my major job or the foster care agency we work for......... My other job that I only work every other weekend did send a card.
I just don't think they get it.... It hurts no matter how far along you are when the loss occurs... they could at least pretend they care.

[jaiew]

jessi no one gets it unless they have been through it before.

[Lindzy Foster]

Genelle, it is nice to see you again its been awhile, ive been thinking about you and Serenity....

Jessi,
im so sorry that all of those people have been so inconsiderate, your right they should care, and they should show they care....my job (that i had been at for 5 years and considered these people friends) sent me a CERTIFIED letter in the mail telling me they thought it had been long enough and they expected me back at work now...no one could even call and ask how i was or anything, i thought it was so rude...i wish i had something to say that could take even a fraction of the pain away for you after losing this last pregnancy but we all know its not possible, i too have my questions about being strong enough to handle everything,
im praying and thinking of you...
Lindzy

[Rita D. Conners]

God, people can be so ignorant and insensitive. What are they thinking? They aren't! They have not been through this horrific experience of losing a child. They have no idea of what it feels like.
I had a miscarriage at around 12 weeks. My mother said to me, I'm glad you had a miscarriage. I asked her why? She said, I don't think the baby was your husbands! I was hurting from my loss and going through the grief of losing my child and not feeling Life in me anymore. I was feeling a terrible void. My mother, of all people, said this to me.
Years later I had a friend who had a miscarriage. When she told me about it, I was able to comfort her. If I hadn't been through the experience, I don't think I would have known how to react or what to say. I gave her a hug and we cried together.
I almost lost my 2 year old to a pool drowning years back. Fortunately his fall in the pool was brief and I was there to save him. He was rushed to the hospital to be fully checked out. Later that day there was a neighborhood cook-out with games for the kids. I was recovering from the shock, at home, with my husband and child. I had volunteered to make a cake for the function. One of the mothers in charge called me up, knowing what I had been through earlier that day. She didn't ask me about my child or how we were doing. All she wanted to know is if I was still bringing the cake!
After that day I stopped most of my volunteer work at the schools. I wouldn't give my time freely unless my children were directly affected by it.

[Tammy]

Recently, I was talking with a family member on the phone. I was bluntly asked the question how can I help others if I can't help myself. Although the comment did not shock me to bad (considering the source) it still hurt. This is how I cope. Being involved with NILMDTS is how I can heal, move forward and remember going through losing a perfect, beautiful baby boy has a purpose.
ALL of our beloved little babies.... they have a purpose. Just because we can't see or hold them, doesn't mean they are not real, didn't exsist, or don't matter. Every baby matters....
Kind of like the wind~ you can't see or touch it, but you feel it and know it's there.
People are ignorant. Many times they don't realize it, and you really don't know if they give it a second thought after the fact... maybe they do, maybe not.
Suggestion: In circumstances like these.... write a letter, or send them an email. Be specific as to why their comment hurt you. As bereaved parents, we have the knowledge and experience to educate other people on this topic. But, if we don't say anything.... nothing will change. Just my two cents.
My response to this family member: All three of my boys mean the world to me. I have the honor and blessing of being a physical mother to the two here with me. Being involved with NILMDTS, is my way of being a mom to Chase.
The suject was changed after that.

[Lindzy Foster]

how well put Tammy, i will have to remember that next time someone says that to me, i have been holding back about something that happened to me this last week but have decided to share as it hurts everytime i think about it....a very close friend of mine(who does not have children) was expressing her concern because one of her friends who has a newborn baby had been living in her house until she could get out on her own and had been turning the heat up high and dressing her baby in many layers of clothing and then putting her down to sleep with lots of loose blankets and stuffed animals in her bed, my close friend was worried because she has of course heard of SIDS and asked my opinion about the situation and i told her that all of those things could increase the risk of SIDS, well she expressed this to her friend(whom i know as an acquaintance and who knows Kaydences story) and her friend was extremely offended and said that i had no idea what i was talking about and she would do what she wanted with her daughter, i was sad but passed it off as ignorance, well i went to read this persons web blog and she had written a nasty blog about my close friend and i and stated(and this is quoting it) "there is no way in h**l she is going to take advice from someone who let her child die"......at first i was in shock and then crying and then furious, this is by far the most insensitive thing ever said to me, although a few others have come close....i guess i just needed to get it off my chest and share with you all......

[Rita D. Conners]

No good deed goes unpunished.

[Sara Chapman]

WOW... I guess it never ceases to amaze me at the insensitivity of some people. I am so sorry that you have not had the support from people who are supposed to be there to support you (Cheryl you mentioned it was family)

And, I guess my only explanation is that often times people just don't understand grief at all. I lost my biological father to a tragic violent death and it was devastating (I am not comparing this to losing a child...)

And, I experienced some of the most ridiculous comments and it really complicated my ability to grieve.... anyways... for what it is worth, it is my only explanation to people's stupidity.

I am so sorry for your loss as well as your pain that you are continuing to experience.

I am only 20 minutes from you, so if you need ANYTHING at all, please call.....

Sara
Photoessence
(920) 470-7819

[Sarah O'Neal]

A customer of mine asked me if I was "still takin pichers after all that happened with my girl" I said yes. She said..." Oh By the way...that reminds me, I need to make an appointment to get angel pictures taken of my daughter when she is born in August."

[Rita D. Conners]

Take the pictures and give her a big fat bill!

[Julie*B]

Here's one for you! I struggle to even be able to type these words - it's sooooooooo ridiculous! Anyway, I know I need to get this out of my brain and in writing so here it goes: After a friend returned from her grandmother's funeral she told me, "There's no way I'm going to be buried when I die. I don't want a bunch of worms and bugs crawling through my eyes! Did you know you can be buried above ground?"

She was at Emma's funeral and knows that we had her buried.
Unbelievable, I know, and no - this person is not a 10 year old.
She is 30!!!!

[Rayna']

Here's one for you! I struggle to even be able to type these words - it's sooooooooo ridiculous! Anyway, I know I need to get this out of my brain and in writing so here it goes: After a friend returned from her grandmother's funeral she told me, "There's no way I'm going to be buried when I die. I don't want a bunch of worms and bugs crawling through my eyes! Did you know you can be buried above ground?"

She was at Emma's funeral and knows that we had her buried.
Unbelievable, I know, and no - this person is not a 10 year old.
She is 30!!!!

that makes me sick to my stomach. did she realize what she had said to YOU once it came out of her mouth?

[Rayna']

A customer of mine asked me if I was "still takin pichers after all that happened with my girl" I said yes. She said..." Oh By the way...that reminds me, I need to make an appointment to get angel pictures taken of my daughter when she is born in August."

That just makes me want to cry. I'm sorry.