one month ago today

[jaiew]

one month ago today right at this time we were rushing around the house getting things together and making the phone calls. at times it seems like just yesterday. last night i couldnt close my eyes without seeing him and the tubes. i just wish that i could only remember him without all the tubes, but the only time i saw him without he had allready passed. some days i just dont know what to do with myself. when i wake up in the morning i know i should be walking into his room and picking him up but then i come back to reality and i know i dont ever get to hold him agian. somedays i feel like im just loosing it. when im around other people i put on an act and smile like im doing ok but truefully i feel like im going crazy. i talk about Carey quite often and sometimes i feel that people are looking at me like im a lepor. i know that when i talk about him that it makes other people upset but i like to talk about him. other people talk about there kids and people dont think twice but i say anything about him or the pregnancy and i can tell some get uncomforable. i go out and see people with strollers and car seats and i get this sick feeling i left him somewhere, even though i never even got to take him home. all i want to do is be able to feel somewhat normal what ever that is at this point. i know there is no reason why we lost him but i see terrible stories about children and i cant help but be a little bitter. sorry for the rant just having a really bad day and its only 930am

[Art]

I am so sorry for your loss! I wish I had the words to help you, but I don't. I hope that peace finds you and yours... You are at the right place for help, as there are many mom and dads here who have experienced a loss such as yours...

[Lindzy Foster]

Jaie,

Everything you are feeling is completely normal, and as far as going to back feeling "normal" in everyday life you will find a new normal to be, im sure you've read post where we've talked about us...none of us will ever be the same person we were before our loss, its just not possible, there is forever a part of us missing...as far as talking about him it is your right to do that, hopefully in the future parents wont have to feel like us, feel like they have to put on an act, hopefully we can educate the public about child loss and teach them to be more accepting, but until then i know how hard it can be to see the look in their eyes when you bring up your child...i usually put on an act for most people but this last week i was completely honest, when others asked how my mothers day had went i told the truth and said the whole week was very hard and bittersweet, and quite a few people actually stopped and listened to what i had to say...and you are not really going crazy, its normal, all of us feel like that at many times...i know the feeling of the tubes too, kaydence had alot as well, its really hard to get past those images, they can be very haunting......im just very sorry you are feeling this way but myself and everyone else here are here to listen anytime, i hope that some things ive said made sense, and i hope and pray for you to find some peace, and that you find comfort with us here, ive been meaning to ask how did Carey get his name, i think its unique, the spelling and all, is there a story behind it? Sending you thoughts and (((HUGS)))
Lindzy

[Karla]

Jaie,

So sorry that you are feeling such pain. Like Art said you are in the right place, I am a mom who is hurting too, I too wish I had the right words to say, I wish I could take it all away and make it right for you, but all I can really say is that I understand.

Many tight hugs to you.

Karla

[jaiew]

ive been meaning to ask how did Carey get his name, i think its unique, the spelling and all, is there a story behind it? Sending you thoughts and (((HUGS)))
Lindzy

lindzy
a friends son was named Cary, and i really liked it. when we were thinking of names i didnt want the same name everyone else was using. there were other names but very common or we knew someone with the same name and didnt want to use it (bad memories:D ) It took some time to decide on the spelling didnt want a "k" or "ie" to girlish, and Cary is how Cary Grant spelled his and Carey is how Carey Hart (motorcross racer and tatoo guy from Inked on A&E) I liked the Carey, who knows probably a secret crush, with ink like his i cant help myself. Todd and I have always said that if he turned out to be somewhere in between Carey Hart and Cary Grant it would work out perfect. Also we figured that if people asked about his name he would tell the girls that he was named after Grant, and tell the guys he was named after Hart. he would have been a heart braker.:)

[marylouise]

Sending you hugs...

[Hailey's Mommy]

I love the story of his name.... that is so neat. I too am going through the stages of feeling like i am crazy and people not wanting to talk about Hailey or feeling wierd or whatever the case may be. We will always be here to talk about your son. Hailey has been gone a little over a month now and I am starting to be able to think of her and smile and not cry and I took a big step and held a baby on saturday, I did not think I was ever going to be able to do this. We all have good days and bad days and it is all very normal. If you ever just want to talk about him and there is no one there, please talk to us. I hope that one day peace will find you. Keep your head up and know that we are all here for you.

[linda]

Jaie,

He is a heart breaker, you can see his handsom little self in all his pictures! Ethan means strong and firm. I think Ethan wanted his Mommy to be strong, so he is able to remind me of that every day just in saying his name.

I love the story of Cary's name....thanks for sharing it with us!

[Lyssa Sauer]

jaiew Man do I know how you are feeling. Lindzy I too have been brutally honest lately with how I feel and you know what I feel better not putting up the act. Jaiew your not crazy your grieving and you know I too feel some people are uncomfortable so when they look at me in that way I simply say this and I will tell you all I am a pretty outspoken person so I say what I want to say and with everything I have been thru Ihave only gotten worse, but I say this...It is okay if you are sad I talk about him but he was still here and he is still my son he is just an angel instead please dont feel sorry for me but respect that fact that he is my son and always will be.. like I said I am pretty blunt and you know what I have come to that point I am tired of hiding my feeling to ease others so if I am having a bad day I say I am having a bad day if I am actually feeling okay I say so. Its easier to be honest and feel much better than acting.. I hope you find a little comfort in what I share but many hugs for you..Today has been three months exactly that I laid my son in the ground so...its been not so good of a day for me either...Hugs and thoughts for you Lyssa