Is anyone there?

[Lyssa Sauer]

I am feeling so down right now. I am sick to my stomach,I have had a headache all day with no relief from pills, been irritated, I feel like all I wanna do is cry and I am missing my little boy. Today I thought I was doing okay, and no this evening I feel like I am going to fall apart.
I feel so lost in this world and like I dont fit in. I feel alone even when people are around me. I feel like my heart could give out at any time. I feel like I am invisible to some people, a bother to other and like if I screamed no one would hear me. I feel like all I wanna do is cry and I dont know why. I feel angry at the world! I feel like the two kids who are here with my hate me and they are only 4 and 2 they dont even know what hate is. I feel just angry most days and try not to take it out on my two kids. I feel like I am a horrible terrible person.............I feel like my world has been taken away from me and I am watching as though I am not there...I am sure not much of what I am writing is making sense and I apologize, but I feel like nobody is listening and I cant control things I do anymore. Most days I cant remember what I did the day before but feel bad about that day. How in the world do you all go on day by day? I have tried and I just dont think I can take anymore.
How can I be a good mother to my kids when all I can do is hate right now? Tell me this is just a phase that it gets better cause I am tired of feeling like this, I am tired of pretending, I am tired of hurting,
All I want is my little boy back my life to be back the way it was to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel human. I want to be a good mother to all three of my children. I want to breathe normal again. I want to think good things and not have bad thought running thru my twisted mind. I want to hold him and never let go. I dont want an angel I want a SON! Lord help me!

[Dave Cisco]

I'm answering just to let you know someone is on the other end. Never having had an experience close to this I don't know what to say that would help. I will say a little prayer and hope someone else will answer soon.

[Kerry]

I am so sorry your feeling down and cant get back up. You have all the right answers your asking yourself. I dont think there is a way to really answer them all in one phrase. One step at a time is all I can say. I dont know why us mothers have been chosen, I keep thinking to myself god must of thought I was strong enough for this. I worry for you I think it might be good to look for guidance in your hometown or someone that can listen to just you in person and get your frustration all out. Its ok to be emotional that is part of the grieving but you need to break away during the day you have other kids that love you and dont understand what has all happened. I pray for help to get some guidance to help you through this difficult day. Dont shut yourself in we are all special people and we all have a purpose in this world. It has been over 2 years since I lost my baby daughter. Over memorial weekend a friend of my husband family saw us and saw my other twin daughter and remembered what had happened and told us we had a beautiful daughter and how her angel sister surrounds her and how lucky she was to have her as a guardian angel. It sounds odd but felt good to have her recongnized without bringing her up. There will be little things that will make you cry and other things that make you feel good for who you are. If you need anything just email me I will be glad to listen.
Kerry
mother of Olivia,Sarah,Lane and angel Mallory

[linda]

Lyssa,

I know it is ever so painful but please get through day by day right now. Yes the pain has softened for me and it's been over 11 months. Life has changed, normal today is not what normal last year was. Ethan gave me a beautiful gift. I couldn't admit to that gift even 5 months ago but now see what his brief life gave my family and I. Search for what your son gave you. He gave your family something...and he wants you to find that gift. For me it was to be more patient, understanding and to be a better, mother, wife and friend. I live each day now to my fullest and always put my family first. I want to grow old and be that "Mother, Grandmother, Greatgrandmother, who they all turn to. I don't think before Ethan I ever considered who I was in my roll as "Mother" but now I do.

I pray you'll ask him what it is he has for you!!!

[Rayna']

I am sorry you are feeling lost...you sound like me of last year. All the hurt & anger was so overwhelming. I just wanted to feel NORMAL again. For me, I had to get on medication & am doing better. I do have my moments but they are far less than what they were 3 months ago.
Please keep writing here. I think we all here know what it feels like to feel totally alone in this world of hurt and pain.

[Karla]

Dear Lyssa,

Hoping that you will find some peace today. I completely understand the turmoil that you're experiencing, the highs and the lows, the moments when you're fighting to simply breathe. I know the pain, and saying this will not help you, it did not help me, I had to go through it all to reach where I am today, but you will survive and reach a place where there would be less "lows" and more "highs". Life for us would never be the same, do not be afraid, hang on to your faith and the love you have and shared with your dearest son, together you will grow stronger. You will see things differently. I urge you to write as often as you wish to, let every heartwrenching word out, there will always be someone on this site to hold your hands, and to say some warm words of comfort. I got a lot of comfort from reading poetry and other stories from bereaved families. The Compassionate Friends site of atlanta offer many words of comfort and healing.

I wish there was more I could do or say, I know how alone you can feel even when you are surrounded by people. I am sorry that you have to go through this.

All my love and prayers are for you to have a better day.

Karla

[jaiew]

hey kiddo its little steps to get through those hard days. just remember that everything you feel is normal and these bad days suck. but let yourself grieve and have compasion for yourself. give yourself the amount of compasion that you would give someone else. payton was given to you because someone greater than all of us knew that you would love him more in the short time you had him than someone else. someone else wouldnt have cared as much and that little guy needed all that love you gave to be strong enough to go through heavens door. i dont know if what i say helps you and i know very well on those hard days that all you want is your little guy back. be strong payton is there and he is giving you the strength to get through this. please call me im great at listening so if all you want is to vent or scream or cry call 623 217 7130

[carissa13]

Lyssa
I never knew that I would find people out there that feel like I feel each day, my heart goes to you because I know you pain. My son was born 2 weeks ago and I to ask how I will ever be whole again and how I will stop being angry at the world. I feel like I'm in a bad dream, thinking I'll wake up one day and it will all be alright. I wish I could find the words or thoughts that could help you but I know first hand that words don't always help. The few times I've been on here you always had encouraging words for me and I want to give that back to you. God makes no mistakes, I know it's hard to swallow sometimes but your son is healthy, whole, watching over you, he wants you to hold onto the good memories, he loves you and will be there when God calls you back to Heaven. Hang in there, though there will be bad days, you will still have good days too.

[Tammy]

Lyssa,
My heart goes out to you. Although I don't know your pain, I certainly can understand, I've been there... I think we all have.
This is just a suggestion. Is there a family member or a close friend that would take your children for a day, or two? This would give you some "mommy time" for yourself. It sometimes can be very overwhelming... dealing with your own pain AND comforting your younger children at the same time. Sometimes, it's down right impossible. Having sometime for yourself, so you can grieve the way you need to may help, with out being asked..."mommy, why are you crying again?" or, "Mommy, why are you sad?" Your children may not totally understand why you are sad... they may think they caused you to be sad or angry. Please reassure them this is not the case... (which I am sure you do :o )
Know we are here for you anytime you need us to be.
You have a "new" normal. What ever "normal" may or may not be. It just takes some time to find it. ((Big Hugs))

[Naomi]

Lyssa, I understand. I too am so short with my children and wonder when I will ever be back to me. I will pray that we both will heal.

[Brooke]

Hi Lyssa,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are stuggling right now, but that is all part of the process of greiving unfortunately. I know that there are no magic words to say that will make you feel better and normal again, but please know that we are all thinking of you and praying for you right now during this difficult time. My only advise to you is to seek some counseling if your willing to do that. I did and I thought that it was a great help during the journey of grief and gave me a new outlook at life. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself and it will get better with time.

Love,
Brooke-Mommy to Carter, Ethan, & Angel Emma

[Jordan]

Lyssa
You know you are not alone. BUT I know you are feeling totally alone anyway you turn. I hope you find comfort from us here. When I got to my lowest I turned to emailing myself. I know it sounds funny but I needed to vent to someone, I couldn't find anyone and I wasn't on the forum yet. I just wrote to myself. Then on day I talked to a friend at my church and she suggested doing the Stephen Ministries. This is where I meet with one person who encourages/listens to me. One on one - that was what I needed - but I did it by email and meet with her about once a month. I just needed someone to listen to what I needed to vent about at that moment. I didn't want to wait until we could get together. I wrote it down anytime of the day, emailed it to her and she replied. She has and still does read my emails, encourages and listens to me. It is just like the forum. That is what I found and it has helped me out a lot - especially then because I wasn't on the forum yet. The forum has been a life saver. As alone as you feel you are not alone in grieving and hurting. Take comfort here. Do you attend a church? Do they have a Pastor of Special Care? That is where I found out about the Stephen Ministries.

Kim

[Marirosa]

You are in my thoughts and prayers....may God give you the strength you need.... people on this board care about you....
Marirosa

[Lindzy Foster]

Lyssa,

Im so sorry you are feeling so horrible, you were such a comfort the other day to me when i was so upset...i know that Payton will be celebrating his 4 month birthday on the 4th, he and Kaydence are only 16 days apart in age, im sure they are good friends and they are sending us angel hugs and kisses together...honey i wish i knew some answers for you, i honestly dont know how i get thru the day sometimes either, i think im mostly on automatic, not really feeling a whole lot of what i do, just doing whats neccesary for my children and darin and i to live...i pray that in the future it gets better for all of us that are in the beginning of this journey...i do think you should look and see if there is someone local you can go and talk to in person, every month when we go to Compassionate Friends it gives me strength to get thru the next month, we have met wonderful people and it feels good to get that hug from people who care and know that when they look in my eyes and ask how im doing they want to know how im really doing and wont turn away, i dont have to put on my "happy/pretend" face for them....i will try to sign in to myspace im tomorrow sometime and see if we can chat, i would have you call me but sometimes i have hard time being able to talk on phone, second the kids see me on it their voice level raises...i am going to make you something and send it to you at myspace, ive been experimenting with some pictures of my own...lol..we will see how it turns out....i am sending you much love and HUGE HUGS!! i hope tomorrow is a better day!!!
Lindzy

[Lyssa Sauer]

Thank you to each and everyone of you. Yesterday was bad today is a bit better and I know its from all of your comments and love. I just want to say thank you and I am glad I found each and everyone of you. Each one has touched my heart and I want to say thank you. I pray that just maybe tomarrow each and everyone of us will have something make our day GOOD. My true friends Thank you again. Lyssa

[jaiew]

its good to hear that you are doing better today. its always amazing to me how you can be going along having an ok day and then you wake up in the morning and it feels like a semi with 4 tons of bricks just hit you then backed over you, and drove over you again. i start to get worried when ive had a few good day because its like im just waiting for it to hit. everyone here has always had helping words for me in my hard times and it breaks my heart to hear someone else in so much pain becaue i know how bad it hurts me on my bad days. embrase those good days i find that by embrasing the good days that it helps me to get through those bad ones. keep your chin up and if you need anything dont hesitate to call.

[Tammy]

Wow.
I just wanted to say you are all wonderful!!

[tinantravis]

It's an exhuasting rollercoaster ride...one we've either gone through or are still going through. Though there are no perfect words of comfort, please know that you might find comfort in asking your child for peace, love, comfort, wisdom. On my lowest of lowest days, Isaiah grants me the greatest gift of all...his presence, his memory.
Take Care and please know that we are all here for you.