When does the anger go away...

[linda]

I need your help here. My friend lost her baby on May 23rd and we just talked about this...I shared my side of how I felt but we are all so different. She has been reading threads and I will tell her this ones for her. Would you mind sharing your story about anger and if it's gone away or if it's still there...for me I remember making a promise to Ethan that I wouldn't allow this to break me and that I would allow God to heal me and help me find peace. It took about 2/3 months before I saw the sun shine and appreciated life again...I would say once a day felt like "a real day" would be when I wasn't so angry anymore...this is for you Ellie...

[Lyssa Sauer]

Sorry Ellie that you have to become a part of this family but we are sure glad you have gathered with us.
Anger well lets see Payton was born 4months and four days ago he will have recieved his wings 4 months on the 16th and I am not anger everyday but I still have my days, when I see a woman with a newly born baby, when I hear that another baby has pulled thru and will make it(not that I am mad at them but I think why couldnt it have been my baby who made it) and even comments that are said make me angery.....I have posted Is anyone there that might be a good thread for you/her to read. I think the anger comes and goes for me. But as you said every person different story. I will keep Ellie in my prayer may she find peace and support in this time of anger and sadness.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Anger is a funny thing with me...
I never was angry with God, but I did get angry with my family and friends closest to me. I think it was their lack of understanding that made me angry. I think that you have to want to 'not be angry' to really not be angry.
After two years, I think that I am really starting to find and feel this peace. But, I had to want it...Does that make sense?

As strange as this sounds, you have to want healing. It just doesn't happen overnight. You have to ask for it and look for it. Almost like hide n seek. Imagine 'healing' hiding behind a tree. You are walking around and you catch a glimpse of it...but you are angry at healing, so you walk away.
The game continues the next day, and you catch another glimpse of 'healing...' This time, you decide to play the game just abit, and you walk over to get a closer look.
There are days when you just catch a glimpse, but days when you walk away...(I know this does not make much sense...)
Can anybody else explain this better???

[linda]

Yes, that made perfect sense! We have to want it, we have to find our way to it and we have to be willing to walk from behind whatever wall/tree to expose ourself to it. The hardest part for me was just that, to from the start not be mad at God ( I truly believe that you have to make that choice). To not be angry - it's a work in progess. That said, like Cheryl says, if you look it in the face today and it's not for you to give it a try wait till tomorrow. Take your time allow your heart the space it needs, allow your soul to direct you. It may take 6 months or 2 years or even longer. There is no time stamp and anyone who tells you there should be is very wrong. Don't let what others may say to sway you. Seek your heart and allow your heart to heal this part of your grief!!!! Praying for you and hoping for some comfort today.

[Janeice]

Cheryl i agree totally with what you are saying. Its been 9 months and 5 days since Renny was stillborn. I can't say that I am not angry. I cant say that I'll ever be done grieving. I'm not angry at God like I was when it first happened, but I'm angry at the choices I made. I was unknowledged as to the severity of my situation before my water broke and I think had the stupid OB/GYN I had at the time had told me what a "soft cervix" meant, I probably would have put myself on bedrest. She just told me don't be riding the Harley or the 4-wheeler and take it easy. That is just common sense in pregnancy don't you think??? I am angry with the doctor, I don't know if I will ever forgive her, but I will make a difference in someones life as a result of my situation. I will make my anger consrtuctive, not destructive. I have decided to go back to college and become a nurse in the birthing center at the hospital. I think the anger has been a motivation tactic for me, so although I'm not lashing out and crying (everyday) I'm still angry, but I don't let it negatively affect my life. I feel I am healing a little more each day because I allow my self to heal.
Janeice

[George]

We have an discussion about this in the Open Discussion section.

Personally, 19-months after my daughter's death, I'm still angry\hurt\disappointed with God. I use a great deal of theology in my discussion because I come from a religious background, but I don't claim it is all true. It is just ideas.

Anger is based on the belief that an injustice has occurred--something we deserve that makes us happy has been taken away.

Philip Yancey says anger against God proves He exists because how can we be angry at a being who doesn't exist?

C.S. Lewis says tragedy proves we live in a fallen world. The world seems as if it should be good, but evil has snuck in and ruined it. Otherwise, wouldn't we just accept the things that happen without labeling them bad or good and be resigned to the way things are?

Assuming God exists, why do we get mad at Him and not Satan? Is it because we expect no better of Satan, but expect God to always protect us from him?

My anger toward God will stop when I believe God is not responsible for her death, I can muster the faith to believe He had a reason for letting her die and if I understood it, I would agree with it, or both.

[linda]

I personally pray each day we can all find our answers and be blessed by our sweet babies. They have touched us and changed us so greatly - that all I can hope for is that we can show them the positive in their short time with us here on earth. That if God is the one who called them home, then He needs to answer us when we call out to Him too! I find answer daily as I allow Him to show me. I spent this past year crying my eyes out to my supervisor some days at work - all the while his wife was at home expecting their sweet child. All he could say then was I can not even imagine your pain. Never in a million years would I have thought he too would be so close to this great pain. I thank God for allowing us these times. We talked yesterday and in a soft way you can see that these talkes helped with the initial news of what had just transpired in their life...if Ethan was to go before Elysse so that I could share my story of Hope, Faith and Courage to move on then I know I have honored my son in being faithful to God. The anger has changed to searching and asking for answers. His peace does fall on me because I beg for it...I cry out to him more and more in life...if we believe what the bible says, then that is what I am called to do...cry out to Him and to stop blaming Him. I have stopped blamming Him. He allowed this change in my life, I'm not who I was before Ethan passed. I will never forget this pain, this anger, but I will always allow His Love to help me find His Peace!!!

[Lyssa Sauer]

Cheryl i agree totally with what you are saying. Its been 9 months and 5 days since Renny was stillborn. I can't say that I am not angry. I cant say that I'll ever be done grieving. I'm not angry at God like I was when it first happened, but I'm angry at the choices I made. I was unknowledged as to the severity of my situation before my water broke and I think had the stupid OB/GYN I had at the time had told me what a "soft cervix" meant, I probably would have put myself on bedrest. She just told me don't be riding the Harley or the 4-wheeler and take it easy. That is just common sense in pregnancy don't you think??? I am angry with the doctor, I don't know if I will ever forgive her, but I will make a difference in someones life as a result of my situation. I will make my anger consrtuctive, not destructive. I have decided to go back to college and become a nurse in the birthing center at the hospital. I think the anger has been a motivation tactic for me, so although I'm not lashing out and crying (everyday) I'm still angry, but I don't let it negatively affect my life. I feel I am healing a little more each day because I allow my self to heal.
Janeice
Janiece I too feel more angry at the doctor, If Payton would have been born C-section he would have never aspirated the muconium and would have only had to fight the gastroschesis and he would probably still be here. It was because of the infection in his lungs that they couldnt take care of his intestines!! I think anger is everywhere not just at GOD! Lyssa

[jaiew]

anger? i dont know if that can adiquitly describe what im feeling. if you could put anger on a scale of 1-10, my anger doesnt even fall within the first few hundrend. i wake up and im so angry that i feel nausous. i dont really know what im angry at, it might be easier to list the things im not angry at. i dont really follow a certain religion but i believe that there is definitly something more powerful than us. allthough i get very angry when people have the gul to tell me that god does things for a reason. im at the point now that when someone says this to me that i cant hold it back anymore. explane to me the reason he takes mine when i would have loved him and cared for him, and "god" gives perfectly healthy babies to crack %^&$ and to woman who toss their newborn babies in dumpsters. Angry, ya i guess you could say im a little angry. i too am putting my anger into going back to school to specialize in ultrasounds. Ive heard people say sooner or later they have thanked "god" for this because it led to something good but i really dont feel that i will ever thank him for taking my son no matter what my life turns out like. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK!! sorry for the rant

[George]

I've heard people say sooner or later they have thanked "god" for this because it led to something good but i really dont feel that i will ever thank him for taking my son no matter what my life turns out like. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK!! sorry for the rant

The idea of thanking God for the death of my child rankles me on levels I cannot even begin to comprehend.

Many people quote Job to me:

Job 1:20-21: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Job 2:10: [Job] replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

Job 13:15a "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;"

Sorry, if God wanted a Job, he picked the wrong guy. I may change my mind if I find myself face to face with the Almighty, but right now, I feel the only way I will ever thank Him is if I am in heaven with my daughter for eternity and He proves to me that her death was the only way to accomplish that. At that point, what is 60 years compared to eternity?

From what I have read in these forums, it is possible to say you don't understand why God allowed you child to die, but put your faith in God anyway.

I'm not there yet, and don't know if I will ever be.

[asquad]

I remember being angry at the dr. i prayed that oneday i could forgive her, i haven't completely done that yet, but pray that oneday, yes!!

i remember saying, "i don't want to be angry---i'm just greatly deeply disappointed.........saddened!"

if i'm angry at the dr, then i'm angry at God. i choose not to be angry with God, he has the plan....he knows....why? i don't know....i don't pretend like i know....i just put it up on the board under the column of "FAITH!" we won't understand why everything goes on in our lives, our Bible says that!! if i continued to ask why, why, why.......and not get better each day. bit by bit, i would be dwelling on it. it's one thing to be saddened, grieving, at an all time low....and then there's dwelling on it. when we dwell on it, it's not healthy...so we must continue to deal with. that may be a LOT of sadness, lows, etc... but it doesn't get the BEST of us!

that's how i think this organization helps us all, we're dealing with, talking about it, sharing it....not dwelling. everytime we read someone else's post, it teaches us something.

[marylouise]

Let me first start by saying I have never lost a child, and have no way of knowing how you all feel. My heart breaks for all of you.
I have loss my parents and my kid brother and have had some terrible things happen to me. I beleive that God doesn't make or want these things to happen. Sometimes these bad things happen at another' s hand- bad advice from a Dr, an accident, murder, suicide. Sometimes it's genic,or an infection and sometimes there is no answer.
I believe that God is there to get me thought these terrible times. Like a caring Mother or Father who wraps their arms around their child to comfort them. I pray that you feel the tender embrace of God. And that in time you may find peace and comfort and a new normal.
Hugs