Tammy
01-27-2006, 11:06 PM
Today, (January 27, 2006) my husband and I made our final decision regarding our son Chase. Today, we picked out his memorial marker. I can't begin to explain how hard it was to sit there in the office and answer all those questions; "How do you spell his name?", "What was the date?", "What would you like to have engraved on the stone?" During the whole thing, I didn't say much, for once, I let my husband do all the talking and I just nodded yes or no to questions. It's difficult for me to acknowledge this was the last decision we needed to make. To me, this feels like I'm closing the final chapter on the life of my precious son, I don't want it to close. I feel relieved it's done and over with, yet at the same time, I feel heartbroken and emotionally exhausted... all over again. (I should not be having to make this decision, I should be holding my baby in my arms and talking to him, hearing his laugh and little coos... watching his new facial expressions, seeing what his smile looks like, watching him explore his world around him, how he holds rattles, watching him try to stuff things into his mouth, watching him try with all his might to roll over, watch how he reacts when he realizes in amazement he has toes and fingers to suck on...I should be taking pictures and video of Chase and his brothers together....etc) I realize this will not be the last time I will feel this way.... I know there will be many more days like this to come. This pain I feel of losing my baby is a significant part of me now, and will be for the rest of my life until the day comes when I am reunited with him for all eternity....