Is there a line?

[Sherry Marshall]

Today I photographed a baby for a family. I would say it was my most heart wrenching to date. It was unexpected, they didn't know something was wrong until close to his birth, other than there were complications and she had to have a C-section at 27 weeks. The mother was in recovery so she couldn't be in the pictures. The father came to the room they found for me and the baby. I have gone to the hospital by myself the past couple of times. I was alone with the father and the baby. The Father was heart broken and a bit distrought. Sobbing at times as he held his little baby, not understanding why he was taken from him. I felt so helpless. Knowing that I didn't know what to say sometimes I don't say anything to a fault, I tried to comfort him by just gently patting his shoulder, I wanted to give him a huge hug and let him know I felt his pain, I didn't feel that was appropriate though. That was a tough situation to be in. I know not half UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR as tough as the situation he is in but, if someone could offer some advice for the future... Should I just make sure I always have someone else with me. I made the decision to do it by my self because first of all I don't really feel like I am alone, because of my faith. The other fact is I almost feel ditracted when I have others with me... maybe that is a good thing but it keeps me from really connecting to the families.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Sherry,
I think you need to take the lead from the family. Some parents will want the physical contact, others will not. There is nothing you can say to a parent that has just lost a baby, except that you are sorry. And then even sometimes, that is not appropriate. Just showing compassion, and being there for the parents, is the biggest comfort you can give. I think you are doing wonderful. Thank you for your tender heart with these families.
Blessings to you...Cheryl

[Scott Hays]

I think the only thing that helped me personally was when the nurse told me how beautiful Lindsey was, and showed me how to hold her. She treated Lindsey like she was living. I agree with Cheryl that it has to be a case by case basis. I believe on one of the initial posts by Sam, she talks about talking to the babies in a whisper about how beautiful their features are. This might help. I know it helped me see Lindsey in a whole different light.
I haven't had the opportunity to shoot a session yet, so I can't give you much from a photographers point of view. Wish I was more help. In this case, I'm willing to bet that you just being there with the dad so he wasn't alone said it all. What a gift you just provided. You've just made a huge impact on him. From a father, thanks for being there for him.

Scott

[Tammy]

This is just a thought, but maybe Sherry, you could request a member of the medical staff, the family's pastor, another family member or the hospital chaplin to be available before you start your session, be on stand by so to speak, just in case. The situation in a way put you in a double role, trying to comfort the family member and being the photographer. Each of these roles are difficult enough, much less having to do both. I admire you for how you delt with a very difficult and emotional situation.

[Sherry Marshall]

Thank you all for taking the the time to give me your thoughts on this.

Tammy you hit it right on the head about having to fill two roles. I felt like I needed to be a bereavement counselor and was terribly unqualified. I did say somethings to him about not loosing faith, because he was talking about God & I told him I knew God understood what he was going though more than anyone else did, but even then I didn't know if it was my place to say those things...

It is amazing how much these families impact me. It is such an emotional experience. Thank you all for talking with me about the experiences I have, that helps me so much.

[Tammy]

I'm actually a little surprised at the fact there was not a nurse, counselor, clergy or another medical staff member with the father. When my husband found out about Chase, there was a medical person with him the entire time until other family members arrived at the hospital. Then again, maybe he had requested to be alone, hard to say. I'm not sure how that whole thing works, but I would assume clergy would be one of the first people notified outside of immediate family.
I had studied a little infant bereavement while in nursing school (I pulled out my books the other day) The father's reaction was a normal response to such a traumatic event, I remember my husband making the comment "God must not have wanted us to have three perfect little boys."
It's such a fine line, but the fact of the matter is each person involved should fill their own qualified and unique role, especially in the event of losing a baby. In my opinion, the more people involved, the better. Of course there is that limit where there are too many people also, where the family may feel they need their space. It's tough call.

[Jen Eagan]

When Hannah died we were very angry and I remember saying things like that too- like how could God take her away from us, and were we being punished, etc. My then-pastor said something to me that helped. He said it's ok for us to get mad at God- He's big enough to take it, and He understands.

My husband never got past it though, and eventually lost all his faith, in his mind no loving God would put a helpless child through so much agony only to take her away. So his faith is completely lost that God even exists. I, on the other hand have been able to see the good in Hannah's life and death and understand more about what her purpose was.

I wouldn't want to be put in the position of having to try to comfort a grieving father. I already know I'd be no good at it, because I don't understand them.

[Deb Stoner]

Hi Sherry, I agree with Scott. I loved it when our nurse treated Marah like a live baby. She even put a diaper on her. She whispered quietly to her, telling her (and me) how pretty she was, pointed out things like her long pinky toe. She called her a "precious sweetie". That kind of made me refocus on the beauty of my baby. I also remember her telling me that Marah would be treated with as much, if not with more respect than the other babies in the hospital, which made me feel good. As for what to say to the dad, I think your facial expressions (compassion and love) say it all. Showing tenderness for the babe is showing tenderness for the dad.