tears for my fav daddy

[jaiew]

i dont know why but for some reason today seems harder than mothers day. i just keep hiding in my room crying and trying not to let todd see. we were having a great morning cooking breakfast and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. everytime i look at todd i get so disappointed in myself. i know that Careys condition was not my fault but i just keep thinking all i had to do was have a healthy baby for him and i couldnt even give him that. today should have been such a wonderful day for him. his first fathers day with his son. all todd ever wanted was a little boy and im so angry with myself that i couldnt give him that. when we found out at our 20 wk us about the problem i just looked at him and couldnt stop telling him how sorry i was that i couldnt grow him right. i just cant help but blame myself. i know he is hurting so bad today and of course he wont show it, and it just kills me. before Carey was born i could always picture myself walking into Careys room and seeing todd there holding my little man in his huge arms. and even when i think about it now it puts a smile on my face. in another thread we talked about anger and who and what we are angry at. and for me i top my own list. i hate myself for not being happy when we found out i was preg. i was a little happy more scare and terrified because i never wanted kids. i cant help but think that because i wished i wasnt preg is why this happend. 3 weeks before my 20 wk us is when i became really excited about it. i just keep thinking this is "gods" way of paying me back for not appriciating Carey for every minute that I had him.

[calvin's mother]

Oh Jaie...I am so sorry to hear you say those things.I am sure we have all felt the heavy burden of guilt here but for some reason when I see you write these things it breaks my heart. I too feel guilty today.I should be trying to make this a great day for my husband and all I seem to do is feel weighted down and just want to go to bed.You gave Todd the best gift he could ever have, you gave him Carey. And nothing you did,thought or felt at any time was wrong or the cause of Carey going to heaven.The only thing I know today is that it's ok to be mad at God.So all I can tell you is that I understand and I hope you have a better day...Lots of Hugs....

[Lyssa Sauer]

Aw Jaie, I too know that feeling. I had two kids and I was done. I was happy with the four of us and I didnt want another... I had those same feelings you did except my lasted a lot longer. I didnt want to be pregant I felt like it was a burden to me, my husband and I were at the lowest point in our marriage. I found out June of last year and I didnt get excited until Nov/Dec . I to blame myself. I wish I knew what to say to ease your thought but I dont. I hope tomarrow is brighter for you and your hubby, I will pray that Carey comes to you in a special way just to say hi. hugs Lyssa

[Lindzy Foster]

Jaie im so sorry your feeling that way, i had some of those feelings today too, i wanted to give Darin his baby girl so bad, when we went for the 20 week ultrasound and they said it was a girl we were so excited until i noticed how worried the tech looked and we were asked to wait to hear from the doctor, Darin had no idea but this being my fourth child i knew something was wrong....as for your feelings about how you felt when you found out you were pregnant, im sorry to hear that but i feel some relief because i can too admit that i was not happy at all at first when i found out i was pregnant, we had some problems in our relationship and i wasnt even sure we were going to be together, i certainly didnt want to be having a baby at a time when i was so stressed out, so i carry the guilt tht maybe thats why she had all her heart problems, Darin too feels guilty because we would have huge fights, not knowing what to do, but we decided to stick it out together and thru our daughter now are stronger than ever and getting married in 2 weeks....she is our angel...i pray you will find some peace and comfort and have a better day tomorrow...HUGS

[Cheryl Haggard]

i just keep thinking this is "gods" way of paying me back for not appriciating Carey for every minute that I had him.

God doesn't play the 'payback' game.