Something said

[Lyssa Sauer]

So today I got on my myspace and had a friend request... Finding out she had lost a child a while back I accepted the invite long story short.. After reading some things she put on her blog it got me thinking and I just want to know how everyone else preceives this. She wrote in there to the effect that if she would have had stronger and true faith her daughter would still be here, that God would have resued her little. As I sat there thinking was/is my faith not strong enough is that why Payton isnt here today with us? I know people have said there faith has gotten stronger. Just wondering how you guys feel.
I remember being in the Primarys NICU and the first few days has strong hope just knowing that everything was gonna be alright as days got longer and my other children miles away Payton not really getting better just stable I remember saying I cant do this I cant do this anymore, I still had faith, but my prayers changed from Please heal Payton let him come home with us, to, Please dont let Payton suffer anymore if he isnt suppose to be here take him. Know I almost feel like he was taken becasue I lost hope and maybe dont have the faith I am suppose to. It just really started making me think and al l want to do is cry now I feel like if I would have had more stronger purer faith Payton would be here.

[calvin's mother]

No Lyssa..God has a plan...I dont know what that is...but please be assured that everyones faith wavers..everyones..and God knows that.He knows we are only human and we are bound to question and stray from him at times..You prayed exactly what was in your heart and that is the most precious thing you could have done.Nothing we say or do can change Gods plan..I dont think anyways.Payton is one of Gods angels.I wish I knew why...I hope this outlook helped a little ..sometimes I dont know if Im helping anyone or just myself by talking..but Im hope helping.Hugs

[Lindzy Foster]

lyssa i dont think its that at all, even some of the strongest christians have wavered in their faith at times, i dont know how or why i believe this but i just dont believe that God would punish us like that...i hope and pray that someday we all know why....it is definately not that you gave up faith, you still wanted to bring Payton home, you just didnt want to see him suffer anymore, he is your child and it put you in such anguish(sp?) to see him that way...i remember quite clearly going in to the womens restroom with my mom, falling to the floor and screaming that i could not do this anymore, i could not stand seeing my baby girl and her tiny body cut open and prodded again and again, i wasnt crying for me, i was crying for her and all she went thru, i will never forget the night before she passed, she had her 3rd surgery that day, when they brought her back to her room, she looked horrible, there were more tubes, more machines, she was so swollen we could barely recognize her, and even after all that and the paralizing(sp) meds they had her on she managed to open her eyes and look at her daddy and i, the look said to us "i cant take any more" it was like she was saying goodbye, we both had the same feeling, we still prayed so hard the next day when they tried one last time to repair and get her heart beating on its own, we would have done anything to bring her home, but we would not allow her to suffer anymore, she had fought hard enough and was at that point only alive because of machines...i guess that i just want to say it wasnt anything you did, and i wish i could say why and give you answers, all of us answers, as far as my faith now, it still wavers, it depends on the day, i just cant live thinking that God punished Kaydence because i didnt pray enough, and he didnt punish Payton either...he saw that they had suffered and now they suffer no more, they are free from all of those things, no machines, tubes, wires, free to run and play and wait for us to meet them again..but i know that doesnt make it any easier to not have them here which is where they belong....i hope what ive said brings comfort and doesnt add to your pain in any way...sending you much love and HUGE HUGS...
Lindzy

[Tammy]

My thoughts... God brought all of us together through our beautiful children. The purpose may not be clear, but from what I can see, we are being parents to our angles by being involved with NILMDTS. Helping other families who find themselves where we have been. Giving these parents encouragement, caring support and advise.
I too find myself feeling guilty about the thoughts I had when we found out we were going to have a third child. Worrying about finances, space and other things that are so trivial now. For a while, I kept thinking God took Chase away because of these thoughts, but I know that is not the case. God has a plan for all of us and our angel babies. Bringing us together here, may be part of that plan.

[Lyssa Sauer]

The way you all feel is the way I felt before I read this and now I am just confused. I know we did the right thingby not letting him suffer and I think to if Payton would have stayed I dont think he would have had a normal life here. He would have probably had medical problems his whole life so in a way I am glad he isnt here..Is that bad? I think he would have suffered more here on earth had he stay and not sure how I would have been able to handle a child with medical needs???? I just think God took him because I couldnt take care of him. But everyday I still wish he was here. Confused anyone yet. Thanks to each and everyones outlook on this it has given me things to think about. You are all so special to me, holding me up when I cant do it on my own, Thanks HUGS lyssa

[Lindzy Foster]

lyssa, you are a wonderful mother, and you would have done a wonderful job caring for Paytons medical needs if he had lived, you are a loving parent and would have found the strength, sure you would have had rough days, we all do, we are human, my oldest son has ADHD and Aspergers syndrome, and every day is a challenge with him, the medication daily and remembering that he is unique not only because of his personality but because of his syndrome, he behaves differently to situations than a "normal" 7 year old, and sometimes i find myself pulling my hair out and having to step back, im more protective of him, and i have to fight with his school and other organizations he's involved in to get his needs met, but its worth it...and i know had Kaydence lived i would have had to pull myself together and do the same for her, she would have had medical needs her whole life....i think that our babies were suffering, and what we wanted most was for them to hurt no more, we wanted them to be healed/fixed medically and then to bring them home, but God saw that was not to be, and the only way for them to be whole and healed was for them to return to heaven, i know for Kaydence even if she would have made it past this first surgery she would have had to have a heart transplant before she was 4 months old..God saw that was too much for her little body..i truly dont believe God is cruel enough to intentionally take our babies away, i cant believe that even when my faith is wavering i know he would not punish an innocent child like that..does it make sense to us that they are gone and bad parents get to keep their children? the answer is no but i hope someday to ask Him why.....it is absolutely not bad to not want your child to suffer, you wanted Payton to stay more than anything, but you were not selfish, you saw him struggling and you unselfishly choose not to make him continue to suffer...you and your husband are wonderful, brave, parents Lyssa...you gave Payton the chance to be free from pain and machines, even if it caused you horrendous pain to lose him...please i am here for you, and i am proud to call you my friend, and so glad i have the opportunity to know you and your precious angel Payton....

[HAINAngel2000]

So today I got on my myspace and had a friend request... Finding out she had lost a child a while back I accepted the invite long story short.. After reading some things she put on her blog it got me thinking and I just want to know how everyone else preceives this. She wrote in there to the effect that if she would have had stronger and true faith her daughter would still be here, that God would have resued her little. As I sat there thinking was/is my faith not strong enough is that why Payton isnt here today with us? I know people have said there faith has gotten stronger. Just wondering how you guys feel.
I remember being in the Primarys NICU and the first few days has strong hope just knowing that everything was gonna be alright as days got longer and my other children miles away Payton not really getting better just stable I remember saying I cant do this I cant do this anymore, I still had faith, but my prayers changed from Please heal Payton let him come home with us, to, Please dont let Payton suffer anymore if he isnt suppose to be here take him. Know I almost feel like he was taken becasue I lost hope and maybe dont have the faith I am suppose to. It just really started making me think and al l want to do is cry now I feel like if I would have had more stronger purer faith Payton would be here.


Ok do not beleive that lie from the devil! That is a complete lie. :( (Not calling her this personally of course. Everyone says things in their grief. Its not her at all)
Our babies passed away for a purpose we may not know here on earth and it does not seem fair. I am a christian my faith has always been rock solid. I was on bed rest with little Mariah for 4 weeks praying for a miracle, i knew in my soul God could do a miracle in a heart beat, no doubt. However Mariah died. Yes at first I was mad at God. But it was later that I seen that Mariah was not meant to be here long and because of her memory thousands of people are being helped, touched etc..

Sometimes we just have to beleive that God is God and He does know things we do not. Also God is God true but we are not puppets under His control. God could stop all death yes true but death is a part of us being human. Why some people have a miracle happen and some don't I can't begin to tell you why. I just have to believe in my faith that all things are for a purpose. And this purpose I can not tell you.
I am not trying to be insensitive here at all promise!!! I wish I could hold my sweet Mariah too, I know i will one day.. life is short and this means I will be with her soon. Mary

[Cheryl Haggard]

Here are my thoughts...
We live in an imperfect world.
God did not let my baby die. He just died. Just like we all will die. All of our days are numbered in God's book. Whether in the womb our out of the womb. When I was pregnant with all my children, this wasn't just my life, it was their life also.
We can all go back into our pregnancy with our children and pick every thought or conversation over with a fine toothed comb...but why? I can think back to several moments in my pregnancy, and think that maybe I deserved this, but I believe God would never let my baby die to punish me...



Why some people have a miracle happen and some don't I can't begin to tell you why. I just have to believe in my faith that all things are for a purpose.


I look at everything as a miracle now, my older children, a sunset, the moon and the stars...a beautiful flower, the smell of jasmine...a friend.

Take a look around you, and look at all the miracles. Our babies are still a part of these miracles.

[HAINAngel2000]

That is right you did nothing wrong and God does not work that way. God loves us. Cheryl you were right on with that! I agree

[jaiew]

i can honestly admitt that when it comes to religion im all over the place. i dont just support one way of thinking because to me there is no right answer when it comes to your own beliefs. with reguards to what that lady said to, i blame myself quite often for loosing Carey and i know there was nothing i could have done, and she obviously blames herself also. but when it comes to not praying enough and loosing a child because you didnt have faith in god, its not true. things just happen. babies are just sometimes born sick as are many living things and there is just nothing we can do. a really good example and im not picking on anyones religion but with catholics your not supposed to use condoms even though it can save your life. or when it comes to johovawitnes(sp i butchered that one pretty bad sorry) they dont allow for blood transfusions. i had a good friend when i was younger who family followed this religion and when her brother was in a horrible car accident her family prayed and prayed but he kept loosing blood, and the doctor said give him blood or he will die in a matter of seconds. needless to say they changed their religion on the spot and her brother is still with us. i think when it comes to our children we are the only ones who can decide what is better for them even though it may not be what the good books tell us is right.

[Lyssa Sauer]

Everyone of you have opened my eyes. There is mircles all around me, YOU, all of you. I seen what that lady had wrote and thought wow, and she is christian in fact a very religious person but as I look at what she said I dont think she realizes that truly nobody has control over life and she thinks by having a stronger faith now she can control that, (my assumption). Machines could have kept Payton here maybe not for long but if God need Payton for a bigger and better plan- that was Gods plan and nothing I could have done or should of done would have changed that. If Payton was suppose to be here he would have saved him that day. But that lady I think blames herself like you said and after 11yr hasnt learned that it wasnt. Thank you to my mircles here..each and everyone of you Lyssa