Broken

[linda]

Quote:
Many people may hide away from the rest of the world much like being in a cocoon while trying to heal. This cocoon phase is one of transformation and often introspection and reflection. The process ends as the person emerges from their cocoon, metamorphosed into a different person. Thus the transformation of the grieving process is much like the story of the butterfly.



This description has really hit home with me. After Maddux's death, I jumped so fast into NILMDTS, that I never had the chance to 'hide' away from the rest of the world. Since March, I have taken a break, from alot of things...I have organized my priorities, stayed close to home and my husband and children and sought the help from a christian therapist. I now find myself emerging, a totally different person.

The past two years have been difficult...But life now, is getting easier. I want life to get easier. I want life to get better. I want to have healing in my heart. I want to be a happy person again. I want to laugh, I want to sing, I want to dance.

I have realized that I can't change the way others think, I can't expect them to remember Maddux. (this part I am still have problems with...) But that is they're loss...Not mine. And shame on them...not me. I don't want to hold onto so much bitterness, and anger anymore...

Our babies have changed who we are, and our purpose in life...We are much richer, in ways people will never understand. And we love deeply and unconditionally. That kind of love is truly rare.

As long as I am alive, I will never forget Maddux or any of his 'angel buddies.'
And I know none of you here will either...

We are all intertwined in this cocoon...Some of us will grow our wings faster than others.

But we will always have a place to fly home to, when it rains...

I truly pray for continued healing for all of us...
Cheryl
__________________


Cheryl,

Thank you, although the lump in mythroat wouldn't agree...ITS RAINING HARD and I don't feel like I have a place to fly home to - but I'm here and maybe I'm HOME??? Sharing my most raw self! I hate that but if I don't get this out I feel like my heart could just crumble inside of me. I don't blame God but sometimes I don't always fully understand His plans. He says He gives us the desires of our heart!!!!! Oh and then it's followed by all the "smart people" who say "In His time!!!" What the ****???? If I hear that one more time I might snap! Does this make sense to anyone who has a brain, maybe I'm just stupid!!!! You know what's worse, we have tried for over 10 months now to get pregnant again and can't. We've had the HSG and all the analysis one can handle and they say "Everything's normal!" Yea, they said "Everything was normal with Ethan too!" So if this is normal - NO THANK YOU!!!!

[Julie*B]

Linda,
I know exactly what you mean when you say it is frustrating that people think they can explain God's ways to make you feel better. Give me a break!
As far as the "trying again" stuff, after my first two pregnancies where I practically picked my due dates, I was so angry and frustrated after 8 months of trying after we lost Emma. It took officially declaring ourselves on a break and announcing that we weren't trying anymore for awhile to "accidentally" get pregnant. I know that wont be a consolation to you, but there was obviously something in our case that helped by taking the pressure off. I'm only 8 weeks along, but decided to share because we all know there is no "safe" zone until we have our little ones at home!

[Brooke]

Hi Julie,

Well, congratulations on your current pregnancy. I agree with you on your comment that their is no "safe" zone until your holding your baby. I'm currently 25 weeks along with our third baby boy and I still feel that way too. Last October we delieverd our daughter, Emma, stillborn at 24 weeks along due to Fetal Hydrops. Emma is such a great name, great minds think alike!!! I'll add you to my nightly prayers that you will be blessed with a full term healthy baby!!!!

Linda,

I'm so sorry that it has taken so long for you to try to conceive once again. I'm sure that must be fusterating and then to hear about others (like me) who are pregnant while you long to be and aren't, I'm sure is very difficult for you. I guess I agree with what Julie said, maybe try to "take a brake" and not try and see what happens. I've heard that sometimes trying too hard can cause so much stress and cause you to not get pregnant. I'm probably not helping, but want to try anyway. Well, good luck to you and I'll say a little prayer that you get the "good news" soon.

Brooke-Mommy to Carter, Ethan, & Angel Emma

[Rayna']

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, Linda. I wish I could help you. Vent all you want here...I know that helps me. I believe in our Heavenly Father, but I have anger issues when someone who doesn't really understand starts to preach to me.
I hope you are able to get pregnant soon. I know I want another baby more than anything (and so does my husband & son). I have to wait until I am able to get off my depression medication. You are going through one of my biggest fears...not being able to get pregnant again. My heart breaks for you.

[Lyssa Sauer]

Linda,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Yes I know that feeling of people talking about God's great plan....I too wonder if they know what the ****---o they are talking about. I understand wanting that baby and in time, the right time your blessing may be answered. As I have learned it may not be the answer you are looking for but an answer. Hang in there. I know this week has been bad for you. I have yet to come clost to that 1 year. I pray apon you strength courage and a miricle. Like everyone said, take it easy think more about the romance of it not of trying to conceive. My best wish Lyssa

[Lindzy Foster]

Linda,

I wish i had some magic answers for you, everyone has already said everything im thinking so i will say that i am here and i care and i wish i could just give you a big hug right now...i will be praying that you and your husband are able to conceive again soon....
Lindzy

[Cheryl Haggard]

Cheryl,

Thank you, although the lump in mythroat wouldn't agree...ITS RAINING HARD and I don't feel like I have a place to fly home to - but I'm here and maybe I'm HOME??? Sharing my most raw self! I hate that but if I don't get this out I feel like my heart could just crumble inside of me. I don't blame God but sometimes I don't always fully understand His plans. He says He gives us the desires of our heart!!!!! Oh and then it's followed by all the "smart people" who say "In His time!!!" What the ****???? If I hear that one more time I might snap! Does this make sense to anyone who has a brain, maybe I'm just stupid!!!! You know what's worse, we have tried for over 10 months now to get pregnant again and can't. We've had the HSG and all the analysis one can handle and they say "Everything's normal!" Yea, they said "Everything was normal with Ethan too!" So if this is normal - NO THANK YOU!!!!

Linda,

I think that all the people who say, it was Gods will, or in His time, have never had these words said to them personally. If they have, they would not repeat them.
Life is not fair...I truly know that...Believe me!!!

I think of all of you here, that have had other children since the loss of your baby, I think of the ones here that are able and trying to get pregnant, you are all so blessed. Remember that...I am so happy for each and every one of you.

I have three older beautiful, healthy children, and I too am blessed. There will never be another baby in my personal life, until my grandchildren, (which I hope is a long way off...) And I am ok with that. God has a plan for me, and this is part of his plan. I accept this.

Remember that God has a plan for you too. I can only imagine how anxious you all are that are carrying a new life inside you...Enjoy this time. Again, Those of you trying to get pregnant, I can only imagine how frustrated you are, wanting this new life to form...It will happen.
Many thoughts and prayers are going out to everyone!!!!
C

[Brooke]

Hi Cheryl,

Thank you for your blessing for our up coming baby boy due to arrive in October. Yes, I am so anxious for his arrival, but yet try to enjoy every little kick he gives me!!!! You are such a wise person because of Maddox's short life. Thank you again for your nice thoughtful comments. And again thank you and Maddox for starting this wonderful organization.

Love,

Brooke-Mommy to Carter, Ethan, & Angel Emma

[linda]

Julie, Brooke, Rayna, Lindzy and Cheryl,

Thank you so very much for all your prayers and uplifting words. I know God has a plan. Sometimes I just wish I could see it.

I will always look to Exodus 23:20 See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. I accept that. I just hate when my heart doesn't!

Rayna, That is the hardest part of all this - If I could only count the times Elijah has cried out for a baby brother or sister. He excepts the fact that Ethan is in heaven just as we do but he longs for another. It breaks my heart time and time again. Then when others have healthy babies or get pregnant again he says "Why won't God give me a baby to love!?" "Why won't God put a baby in your belly?" I can say for certain that I want more than ever to give Elijah that gift. Just this morning on the way to work he says, "Mom, if you have another baby and it has something wrong can I give it my lung or liver or anything it needs to live?"

There is no "right" time to suffer such great loss. I often think of those of us who have lost their first child and I think how are they surviving? Then I have sat here for over a year now trying to logically define death to a 7 now 8 yr old big brother who longed and longs for a sibling to make this "house" not so boring.

Who knows maybe some day I'll find peace, yesterday and today I'm not ready but I'll look for tomorrow to bring me peace.

I truly am blessed because of all of you. You have all touched my heart deeply. Thank you for letting me crack, thanks for picking up my pieces and thank you for handing them back to me to put back for it's not your job to try to fix but you've embrassed your job in standing by my side and helping me see through the tears to know where to put those pieces.

DID THAT MAKE SENSE?

Julie we live near each other maybe we can meet up with Cheryl for dinner one night. She a hoot!!!! :rolleyes:

[linda]

So get this!!! My sister in law shared with me about two weeks ago they were expecting and I was thrilled to pieces for them. Today she calls and shares, it's twins. I just want to say that the Lord does work in mysterious ways. He knew I needed this break down the past few days to be strong and happy for them! I am so happy right now to know that finally after all they've been through they'll get to add two beautiful babies to our family!!! If I don't ever have more children I'll be one heck of a Auntie!!!

[Rayna']

that's great!

[Brooke]

That is great news!!! You'll make a great Auntie and a great mother to another baby one day!!! Stay positive. Who knows you may be blessed at one time with two babies just like your sister-in-law. You never know.

Love,

Brooke-Mommy to Carter, Ethan, & Angel Emma

[linda]

I went for another ultrasound this week and found a cyst smack dab in the center of my uterus. It was there with Ethan - they found it at 16 weeks and wanted to remeasure it at 20 weeks. That's when of course I found out he had stopped growing. Not once did they say they thought it was because of this cyst. So this past HSG was what they would say "normal." But they still wanted to do the ultrasound just a few days after my cycle started. So we just did that earlier this week. Long story short it seems that the cyst is just one more "maybe that's what caused Ethan to stop growing." As if I need that. This past year I've tried to find peace with not knowing "WHY!" Now I'm faced with the possibility that it could be me! In addition, what does this mean for furture pregnancies???? Cause if you'd ask me to risk loosing another child because my body won't allow my child to grow I can't in good conscience try to get pregnant again.

All that aside, how are you guys doing? Julie hows your first trimester coming along? Brooke, how many weeks are you know? You must be getting excited?

[Lindzy Foster]

oh linda im so sorry hun, i hope that you get some better news soon....we have been talking alot about another baby but im just so scared, dont know if i can get past that fear....i have an anxiety disorder which only makes it worse but afraid to get back on the meds as have been told tht they may have caused changes in my body that caused Kaydences defects...everyone tells us not to carry guilt but how can we not? i wish we all knew, its so hard not knowing....sending huge hugs!!!

[linda]

Thanks Lindzy, I think we all anxiety with this. The fear is so overwelming some times. I think like Julie said in one of these threads, I think this one: when they stopped trying and let go it happened. I don't want to fret or be scared for almost an entire year. I want to love my belly and my growing BABY! Once I find that peace I truly believe God will allow us HIS blessing and if not He'll allow us other blessings in life. Right now I'm just working on letting the pain go. I can't live my life the way I have for this past year. I need to find PEACE true honest PEACE. Not that I don't move on or forget of course I will NEVER just finding my way as a Mother of an ANGEL. It's so hard...just the other day I was asked how many children do you have and I was in a wierd situation where I just quickly said "one" he's 8. I was so angry at myself when I left the conversation. Why did I not recognize Ethan in that conversation. That was the first time. I guess sometimes it's to much to explain and when your at work and you know the audience won't be changed you just say what's "normal." Who knows...I know this has nothing to do with getting pregnant again but maybe it does. I guess I sort of feel if I get pregnant again I'll be "moving on" because you hear that so much. I don't ever want to MOVE ON from Ethan!!! Does this make sense...??? Sometimes I read what I've just typed and can't straighten the thoughts out so I just post it as is...there is no normal in my thoughts for my sweet baby!

[carissa13]

Understanding Gods plan...... if we all could have a glimpes into that idea! I believe God makes no mistakes and he does have the last word but when your heart is broken it's hard to remember that sometimes.
Linda, I am sitting here in tears feeling your heartache, as we all do! They do say stop "trying" and it will happen. When the stress is to high our bodies react to that.
Each night we pray to God for what we feel in our heart. If you do not get what you ask for it may not be the time yet. God has already created each image of the children He sends to us, He will send you one when He knows it's right for you and your family.
To the blessed ones pregnant right now, I am so happy for you and pray that you will enjoy the pregnancy and be blessed with a healthy child. I cry for you all to because I think I would be terrified. I lost my son only 8 weeks ago and I imagine getting pregnant again and it puts me in tears. Will God bless us with a healthy child....... Not knowing the answer is hard. I would die if I lost another child. I am thankful for my daughter God blessed me with.
Linda, hang in there......... you will find your way

[Lindzy Foster]

i had that experience during wedding planning, i would say something about my kids and they would ask how many and a few times i did say 4 and the look on their face when they asked about ages and i told them about Kaydence made me so frustrated, they were so uncomfortable and cold....the lady that did my hair just shut up and stopped talking the whole time so we sat in silence for an hour...it was very awkward....there have been times when i have said 3 and felt guilty but you just never know how people will react....ive been in contact with some old high school friends getting ready for our 10 year reunion and when i mentioned Kaydences passing in emails some of they dont respond to me anymore, i wonder what they will do when they see me in person? Peace would be nice.....
Carissa those are beautiful thoughts, God's plan, and most days i can cope with it, but some days???......i dont know....

[linda]

[quote=ive been in contact with some old high school friends getting ready for our 10 year reunion and when i mentioned Kaydences passing in emails some of they dont respond to me anymore....[/quote]

Oh the non responses. I have good friends who still have not mentioned Ethan even after I've told them all about him!!! Ya know the age old saying - I don't know what to say would be fine. Half the time I think people think it was my fault, like what did you do during your pregnancy that your baby died. People have no idea that it's not our fault.

[Julie*B]

Linda,
I just read your post about your cyst. I'm so sorry. I don't know much about that stuff. Does the cyst have to be removed? What did they actually tell you it could mean for future pregnancies?
Thanks for asking about my pregancy too. Talk about a roller coaster (although I feel like I'm riding one that's stuck at the bottom of a hill)! I'm definitely struggling with the guilt thing and the "what if it's me/maybe I shouldn't have kids" thing. I know everyone else would say there's no way this could happen twice, but what people don't realize is that my son Jackson gave us quite a scare at birth too. He didn't exactly come out kicking and screaming and on paper (the heart rate strip, etc.) his situation appeared more bleak than Emma's ever did. With that said, there is a strong possibility that it IS me. I say this because I've found a doctor who specializes in predicting and preventing umbilical cord accidents, which ultimately is good, but I have moments where I feel like I almost know too much now.
Long story short, the problem with me could be where the umibilical cord is inserted into the placenta. It's supposed to be in the center and with Emma, it was off to the side (called "marginal cord insertion"). If that insertion site ends up positioned under the baby's shoulder or rump, then you potentially can have compression (cutting off blood flow and oxygen to the brain) during that last week when the baby drops. With Jackson, it was never documented if I had marginal cord insertion because we ended up taking home a happy, healthy boy, but this new doctor told me that these things tend to repeat themselves. Basically, that could have been the problem with Jackson and I quite possibly could always produce faulty placentas and just have to hope that everything is positioned just right during those final weeks.
I am soooooooooooooo sorry to be complaining when I do realize that I am blessed just to be pregnant again at all. I truly hope I haven't offended anyone. Hormones and grieving do not mix well!
After all my ramblings, would you believe I haven't even been to the doctor yet? My first appointment is this Friday (I'll be a little over 11 weeks). Sorry and thanks for listening! :(

[Brooke]

HI Linda,

Sorry to hear that you got more disturbing news with the cysts. I'm not sure what to say, I've never experienced anything wrong with my "women parts". I hope that they can do something for you so you can have a healthy pregnancy in the very near future.

I'm doing well, a little stressed out and very busy, but good. We just bought a newer house and are in the process of painting the new house and new flooring before we move in and trying to sell our current house. Don't want to do two mortage payments for too long. So I'm praying for a speedy sale. So that is a little stressful.

My pregnancy with Caden is progressing nicely. I'm 28 weeks tomorrow now so starting my third trimester. I can't believe it is that far in my pregnancy now. I've been feeling pretty good. I go in on Friday for my monthly check up and get my RH- shot. Yes, I'm getting excited, but the whole move has kinda taken over everything for now, which is probably a good thing. Want to be moved in and get settled for a while before he arrives. Well, thanks for checking in. You take care of yourself.

Love,

Brooke-Mommy to Carter, Ethan, & Angel Emma

[Lyssa Sauer]

If I don't ever have more children I'll be one heck of a Auntie!!!
Linda I am so glad you are doing better and your comment is true! You will bring lots of love to those new babies and you know what your son might just find some joy in them as well. I still pray that maybe just maybe god will grant your heart what your yerning for though! Lyssa