Hit me like a ton of bricks today.

[Hailey and Logans Daddy]

Why is it today I hurt so bad? Its been 4+ months since she was born and 2+ months since she became an angel and today I feel like a beaten puppy dog. I physically hurt, am so tired all the time, and am shutting down mentally. I wake up this morning hoping to hear her crying and have to give her a bottle or change her and spend some time with her before going to work. But then once I get out of bed and open the bedroom door to see an empty apartment with no baby stuff the reality sets in again. I know I have been in denial and that's not the best thing to but its all I know. I have to be strong, I have to go to work, I have to be there for Jenny. All I want though is to disappear. I just want to run. The only thing I have wanted for years was a baby. I want to know why if I wanted something so much why was that taken from me. I want to know why it happened to Jenny. She didn't deserve it. I work with people who drink and do drugs their entire pregnancy and they get to take their babies home. We love each other and more than anything we loved her. What did any of us on this forum do to deserve this? The only answer I can come up with is nothing. There is nothing I hate more for an answer than nothing. I know most of you wont read this whole thing and that's ok I just needed to get this out.

But for those who do read this please help. I want to know why it is so hard for me to talk to Jenny about this. I want to talk to her I want her to see how hurt I really am but I cant. Its like my body and mind wont let me do it. She thinks Im ok and I'm coping well and there is nothing farther from the truth.

Thanks for listening and know that every night I pray for every single one of you that you too may find peace and healing through these times.

[Rayna']

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I've also said many times "it just hit me like a ton of bricks today". It can happen out of the blue. I often felt "fake" because I pretended I was ok for others which in reality I was suicidal. I'm not great with words, but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of your family & my heart breaks for you. If the drepression becomes too much please consider medication. I know I had to get on it & I'm still on it.
You are right...it feels like being a beaten puppy. I grieved so hard last year I physically hurt & I just wanted to still "feeling" for just a little bit. Can I just stop "being" for a moment? The pain can seem so unbearable either I would want to hurt something or just scream my lungs out.

Since I experienced 2 miscarriages, my husband didn't have the same reaction as I did. He wasn't emotional attached yet so I don't know how to help you. I'm sure there are others here that can. I'm sorry.

[Rita D. Conners]

Dear Hailey's dad. I'm so sorry you are suffering in silence. Our society instills in men that they are strong and don't cry. It's better to cry and share your thoughts and feelings. I am glad you did that here. Now you need to hold Jenny and let it all out. Holding in your pain isn't good.
I believe in the power of prayer and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Sincerely,
Rita

[Mishelle Schmidt]

Hey John,

I think you are taking a step in the right direction...you are starting to let some of your pain and feelings out. This is what the site is for, please remember that you can express all the emotion you are holding here! We are always here for you. And you know I am not far from you all, we can always grab coffee and I will be a shoulder and ear...You, Jenny and Hailey hold a special spot in my heart. I am here when you need me. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through, but I can be support for you. I will pray hard for you today~

[Tasha Nicholls]

John

I have said it before and will say it again.... and mean it with every fiber of my being: I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet little Hailey Nicole. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this has been for you and Jenny.

It is so great that you want to share your feelings with Jenny. I think it is hard because of the conditioning that you have received in our society. So many men think that they have to be the strong ones and not show their true thoughts and emotions. My guess is that the reason it is so hard for you to share is because you have such deep and intense feelings of grief and loss. You probably cannot allow yourself to break down when you feel like she needs you to be strong for her.

I think it would be good to simply write the feelings and thoughts in your heart. Sometimes it's so much easier to say things on paper that you just can't discuss face to face. And, I think it would help her and comfort her to really know and feel that she's not alone in her grief.

I pray for peace and healing for you and Jenny, too. I am so glad that you are here in the forum and can find some support. And, I applaud you for the courage and strength to take off your mask and share your innermost feelings with us.

[Lindzy Foster]

John,

Im so sorry, i just sit here and cry as i read your post...the denial is something i know that we have done...its a defense because to feel the reality and pain of it all at one time would be too much, its already too painful just a little bit at a time...i know there are some days where i cant handle anything and shut myself in my house or i go to the cemetary and lay on the ground and sob...we dont deserve this, and i wish i too had the answers to why it happened...you do not have to be strong all the time...i know that is easier said than done...society expects men to be strong and all too often during a loss people always ask how the women is doing and ignore the feelings of the man...i dont think its because they dont care how the man is feeling, i think it is because men "are not supposed to cry, share their feelings etc.." and they feel like if they ask it will embarass the man...and thats not right, you grieve every bit as much as we do...i know i often have to take a step back and remember that Darin grieves differently from me...that i cant expect him to always be my shoulder and i have to return the favor...and usually for us he will keep it all to himself until i bring it up and give him "permission" to cry, he says that he wants to share so badly with me but that its hard because he doesnt want to add to my pain and that its hard for him to not be able to "fix" everything...he does have other outlets though, he talks with his close friends so that it doesnt get all bottled inside...have you and Jenny went to any support groups? I know that for us this was a big help, as a couple it has helped alot in our communication with each other and our loss...Darin even admitted that he felt he could express himself better to me after attending the group, i think it had alot to do with watching the other fathers express their feelings openly and he felt like he could show his emotion with those men and know that he wouldnt be judged as weak or a failure for crying....these are just thoughts for you...i hope it helps some..please continue to post in the forum as much as you need...we are here for you...and the other ideas for writing are great...i keep a blog and it really helps to get everything out and i always express myself better in writing rather than talking...praying for you and Jenny to find some peace and comfort....
Lindzy

[BreManley]

John,
I am so sorry for your loss of such a beautiful daughter. I am glad that you have found all of us here on NILMDTS and have opened up how you are feeling today. Yes you are correct that Jenny needs you but she also needs to hear how you are doing. I like how Tasha suggested for you to write everything down and share your thoughts and feelings this way. I know I am the same way I do not open up very well and when I do I don't know how. I remember these thoughts of why us? why was adam picked, what did we do to deserve this, and you know what there are no answers. Talk to Jenny and tell her how you are feeling and end the end it can only bring you closer together.
Guys do handle things differently than women but you know what all of us women wished we had a man that would talk to us when they needed to. Please know that we are all here for you and I will pray for you and Jenny tonight in my prayers. ((hugs))

[Tammy]

John,

There are no words to express how intensivley your message hit home. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us here, please know we are here for you and Jenny anytime you need us to be.
John, every emotion you are experiencing, the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the questioning, you have every right to those feelings, it's the dealing with them that is the hardest part. I've asked myself before, and still ask, (even after almost two years since we lost our baby) where do I go from here? When does the pain stop, what the <h> is normal anymore? Why is everyone else going on with life, when I feel like checking out? "All I want though is to disappear. I just want to run." Can't you see my pain? "I want to talk to her I want her to see how hurt I really am but I cant." Do I have to spell it out? Been there.... sound familiar?

If there were any words we could say... if there was anything we could do to ease yours and Jenny's heartache... all of us would do whatever it took to accomplish that in a heartbeat. Please know that.

Please continue to use this forum as a place for you to vent those emotions out. Just an idea, maybe sometime have Jenny sit with you and read through your posts. Be sure to let Jenny know how important she is in your life (which I'm sure you already do...) you both need to lean on each other... you have both been through so much grief and pain. Open the lines of communication up, no judgements, no anger between the two of you, no holding back... opening your heart up to the person who means the most to you... how can either of you begin to heal, if you can't express how you truly and honestly feel?
Yes, easier said than done... but as I was once told, the headache won't quit until you stop pounding your head up against the wall.... how can your heart begin to mend, if you can't allow it to be opened? Doing this hurts, it's difficult and quite honestly, it sucks. But it is also the start of healing~

Hailey will be with you forever and always in your heart. You will ALWAYS be her dad; Jenny will ALWAYS be her mom... your baby girl already knows you both love her more than life itself.

With thoughts and prayers,

Tammy

[DeeDee Ortiz]

I don't have any answer, but wanted to send you a BIG HUG today and let you know we will be praying for you.

[linda]

John,

My heart aches for you. Just when you think things are fine they're not! It hits you like a train when you least expect it! Hang in there, we all know far to well how painful this is for you and how deeply your heart is broken. You've lost the greatest love of your life and physically mentally, emotionally your body does not know how to answer that. We have all been there and have all wanted to try to stop the pain but can't. I just hit rock bottom last week and started a thread called broken and another one called Ethan's 1st Birthday. I too felt the same way....why....why....we did nothing wrong. Why us!?. I can't answer that but pray each day God shows us His glorious plan in Heaven. I'm praying for you an I'm sending Hailey my love today.

We may not have the answers here but were here reading your pain and were here praying for you and were here crying for you and were HERE to listen whenever you need us. Many blessings to you today!

[Lyssa Sauer]

Remember you are not alone. It may feel like and especially on these days. My heart goes out you because I felt this way for a long time. Playing the lead role of somebody elses life and feelings.
Let me tell you something, this is defentitly a situation where it can make you or break your relationship. I have been in your shoes but it was reversed. When Payton passed the first month if not more my husband was a total mess. He couldnt sleep, he was at times not there, and would cry at night ,after the other kids were in bed, almost hysterically. I held myself together for him, in fact I am not sure I really started doing my own greiving till after I knew my husband was doing better. Along with other people who were in my family that I knew were struggling as well.
John you need to open up and tell your wife these feelings. I know this maybe hard but I want you to know thru this whole thing with Payton, my husband and I have NEVER been closer than we are now. It isnt heathy for you and you dont have to do this alone. Your are partners for a reason. Look at your wife and say I need to talk, I need to talk about Hailey. If you can take a weekend off, make no plans but for you to to be together. I found it almost rejuvinating for my husband and I to start DATING again. Scary right? I am sure that your wife wants to know your true feelings and will be there for you just as you have been for her. Hailey was your child too and your wife may be the only person who truly understands your right now. This forum is close but I truly think she will know best.
My prayers are with you and your wife. I hope you can find the peace and the comfort with her that she can only provide. Its okay to be weak its okay to not want to go on but let HER know how you are feeling cause she has been there too remember. I hope these words have helped and not confused you or come off the wrong way. Lyssa

[Dannie]

Dear Hailey's Dad, I will tell you now that there are no answers for your questions. We are supposed to die before our children, not the other way around.
Please talk to Jenny on how you are feeling, it's okay to cry and everyday if you want. No one knows the pain of loosing a child, unless they have lost one of their own. You need to run, run to Jenny. And if you have to drive a few miles to get to the mountains or a place where there isn't anybody, or who cares if there are people, scream, let your feelings out.

I say to please talk to Jenny, cause my husband wouldn't talk to me at all about our daughter after she died, he wanted all to be buried with her. I saw tears well up in his eye's twice, once while she was alive and once after she died, but he refused to cry. I needed to talk about her so badly, and found out years later that he did too, 23 years later after her death, on the day our little granddaughter was born.he was feeling envy and joy all at once, but seeing our granddaughter healthy and screaming, he was finally able to just cry, and speak of all the emotion that was smothering him all these years.

He said the exact same words you did, I had to be there for you, I needed to focus and go to work, I needed to be a man and not show any emotions.

I love my husband so very much,he was the center of my life next to my kids but the days after our Daughter died, the total trust I had in him was broken, and I didn't get that trust back until 4 years ago.

I was afraid to tell him of anything that could be upsetting to him, because I didn't trust him enough to handle it. Don't let that happen for you and your wife.

I just read your post so I am not sure how old your Hailey was when she went to heaven, but even in the 6 days of life our Daughter had, there were things that happened with her everyday, milestones you could say, for a newborn, and I wanted to share about them, I wanted to have something positive to hold onto, to know that he knew to that our daughters life and even her death was not in vain.

Yes, she was born sick, and that is because there is diseases, genetic problems that can happen, and most of all in my belief, satan, he rips our joy right from our hearts, in this world. But with anything in your life GOD will use it, to make you stronger in this life, give you a heart filled with more compassion for your fellow man.


The what if's never go away, the reasoning of why, why me LORD, why my child, those questions never go away, no matter how many years have passed by. You do get numb, but please don't let it make you hard hearted, it will destroy you. I don't even know if you have any kind of relationship with the LORD, but if so, drown in HIS Words, give him the heaviness you are hauling around, I only know one thing in this whole word tat was able to give me peace was praying and reading my Bible, and believe me I was so mad at GOD at first, I even told HIM I hated HIM.

I laugh at this part in my life when I look back on it all, because I was not waking with GOD when our daughter died, not that I didn't believe in HIM, but I was young and HE was boring. But.......... yes, that word....... HE had something I wanted back desperately, I was so mad at HIM, I found HIM. So although it is sad that it took the death of our Daughter, I now know the LORD. I know you may have heard this before, but I know my Daughter is in the best care I could ever want for her and I will see her again one day, and so will you.

I don't want that to seem shallow at the feeling your are having right now, because I, all of us, that have responded know the grief you are feeling, it makes you literally sick, you feel what is the purpose for all of this, but don't you give up or give in, Your Hailey was a precious gift, you can cherish her forever.

You and Jenny are in our prayers that GOD can fill your grief with Joy and peace.

Hugs to you both,
Danna Crystal's mama

***With GOD, All things are possible***