linda
07-19-2007, 11:44 PM
Ethan's story began in November of 2005. We had several co-workers over for Thanksgiving Dinner. In the Air Force it is sort of an unwritten rule to invite those folks you work with over for dinner. The ones who are not traveling home or the young Airmen who live in the dorms. So each year we open our home to whomever would like to join in our feast! We also go around the table and ask that each person share what they are thankful for. Never in a million years would I have expected my husband to be so honest infront of all my co-workers. But when his turn arrived he confidently says, I'm so thankful for my beautiful wife, my beautiful son and I hope this next year will bring even more beauty and joy by being blessed with another child. Now if you knew my husband you would know he's not that open. My heart leaped. I was so excited to know we were all so ready for another child. Elijah at the time was six, he had been asking for a brother or sister for years. After the dishes were done and the company was gone we settled in for the night. I leaned into Kirk and said, did you really mean that? Are you really ready for another child? He said, Yes. So we agreed that in January we would begin trying to conceive. It was mid january as we were shopping at the Commissary (Military Grocery Store) and I put a pregnancy test in our cart. Kirk said, Linda why would you buy that? Not knowing I already felt pregnant. We got home and as we were putting the groceries away I anxiously went to use the test. Kirk again said, Linda your not pregnant! I then said, I really think I am! I came out of the rest room and held the stick with anticipation. It appeared pregnant and I held back the reaction. I walked over to Kirk (who was steady putting groceries away) and held the stick to show him. I think in that instant he was in shock and a bit of denial. Like, "How'd that happen!" :confused:
We were so excited as it began to settle in that week. My appointments were going well and at 16 weeks I had a ultrasound. At that appointment they noted a cyst or multiple cyst that they wanted to re-evaluate in 4 weeks. They also noted for Elijah that he was going to be a big brother to a baby boy! The technician typed on one picture, "Elijah, I'm a boy!" Elijah was so excited!! No one was concerned and the appointment was so "normal." At about 19 weeks I began to feel the little kicks of our sweet child. I was just starting to love being pregnant and I was loving the movement, what a peaceful feeling to know your child is alive and thriving inside of you. We were scheduled for that 20 week ultrasound and that time came far to quick. When I went for the appointment I brought Elijah. Kirk had to work and I really wanted Elijah to be able to be just as excited about Ethan as we were. Not that he wasn't but I thought the ultrasounds would make Ethan more "real" to Elijah. We began the ultrasound and there was a cold dark feeling that moved in the room. I can't explain it but I did go through X-Ray school and I know when things are good and when there not. She was so intense on his measurements, that was my first indication. Elijah kept asking questions and I remember trying to keep him still and quiet so I could try to read her monitor. She had moved it slightly so I couldn't. She knew exactly what she needed to do. She finished her job and left the room only to have the doctor walk in 2 minutes later. It felt like an hour - I just knew something was wrong. When the doctor came in, the nurse followed and said, I'm going to take Elijah for a walk. That is when my world crashed! As the door shut the tears came and I'll never forget her two hands grabbing mine. They were sincere, kind and full of compassion. She gently said, your baby stopped growing and there are few things that cause this. We'd like to do and amnio to try to help us figure out what's wrong. I couldn't do that with Elijah there so I asked if I could come back with my husband. We agreed I would come back that Thursday. So when my husband got home I shared all the terrible news. He was so angry! It was such a rough night. The following day we took Elijah to a pizza place to play and get out of the house. We had a good time playing and taking those both photo's. I will forever cherish those photos as there are few photos I have of being pregnant. When we got home I layed on the couch and Elijah and Kirk were on the love seat. I had a HUGE jump in my belly and kicked my leg up and off the couch. The kind of movement that a 8 month baby would make that startles you and you jump. I knew in that instant that he was gone but was in denial. How could such a small baby make such a impact. That was God's way of saying I've got his hands in mine and I want you to never forget the night I took him HOME.
The next morning we dropped off Elijah and went for our early appointment. Prior to our ultrasound and amnio we were scheduled for genetic counseling. We finished that and went into the same room that I had just been in two days prior. The counseling was intense and let us to believe our son would not survive and if he did he could have one or multiple disabilities and would most likely not live long. My world was crumbling infront of me and I could do nothing to stop it. I had no idea it could get worse until I layed on that bed. The doctor put the doppler on my belly and it was in an instant that I could see there was no blood flow. I began to shake as the same doctor turned the machine off quickly and held my hand the same way just two days before. Kirk had no idea until just a moment later my cries pierced the still room. She said, I'm so sorry and then stepped out of the room saying she'll be back after a few minutes. My cries, oh my cries, never in my life have I ever felt such pain and despair. I remember holding Kirk and just screaming NO, NO, NO he's dead, he's dead, my baby he's dead. It all happened so quickly in moments the Labor and Delivery doctors were in our room telling us we needed to go home and make arrangements for Elijah and come back. They shared how this would all happen. I couldn't believe I had to give birth to Ethan. That through all the pain a Mother has to endure, how cruel to have to give birth to a still born child. I was in shock, call me nieve I had no idea how this was all going to happen. So we went home and got Elijah and our dog over to our neighbors. We went back and by 4:30 that afternoon I was starting the process of being induced. The even quickly moved along - our pastor arrived with a basket of purple flowers and prayed with us. We made a few phone calls to family and close friends and sat there most of the night in pain, sadness and despair. Our nurse came in and talked with us about many things but one thing she was so sincere about was the NILMDTS brouchure. She shared the organization with us. My husband quickly said no thank you and she said, ok, I'll just leave this here. Maybe you can take a look at it. I really think having photos will help you heal. He again said, no thank you. As the night progressed I had looked over at the brochure more than once. I finally picked it up and began to look at the photos. My heart broke knowing these precious children were no longer with there families and here I was denying myself of perserving this memory of one of the greatest loves of my life. So I said, Babe, I want to take photos. Kirk said, really? I said, yes I can't imagine not having this day to look back on. So he called for the nurse and said ok, we want to have a photographer come.
By 8am I was almost fully dialated and had no idea how truly painful this would be. It had been over 16 hours since the doctors had started to induce me and I was emotionally, mentally, and physically drained beyond definition. I gave birth and I'll never forget the doctor asking from across the room - are you ready to hold your son. I felt a lump in my throat as I tried to say YES, but couldn't. I just looked at him in fright. I was so scared. He gently walked toward me. Ethan was so little and very discolored. I was scared to look at him, I was scared to hold him. I couldn't believe it was him. That I had given birth to my child and this was it. This moment in time that will quickly fade. After a few moments of holding him the fear and fright vanished all I could do was think I don't want this to end. I kissed him, I cradled him and I found myself not wanting to share him with even Kirk. We talked about how much he looked like his daddy. He even had is daddy's skinny calfs. Another think I'll never forget Kirk saying is, Linda look at his hands they are open, you can tell he was at peace when he passed. His hands are not tight in a fist. We marveled at his grace and beauty as long as we could.
Tina arrived later that morning. When the nurse came in to tell us she was there I was frightened. What will this person think. Are they looking at me completely numb and wondering why I'm not crying right now. There were so many emotions. But she came in and in an instant I saw her compasion, her love and her desire to give us the greatest gift one person on earth could give. I knew when she was done we would need to leave. She finished her session and gave us her card. She said she would be in touch as soon as she was done but if we needed the pictures sooner to call her. After Tina left the room we began our walk of shame. I'll never forget the shame and guilt I felt as I tried to walk away from my son and out of the hospital. The questions of what could I have done began but over this year this web site has taught me more than I could have ever taught myself. Today I am a stronger person because of Ethan. He draws me to God and allows me to seek His will for my life. If Ethan so willing lifted his hands to heaven than I too shall seek my God and lift my hands to heaven too:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16
When the photo's and CD was done she called and we made arrangements to meet at her home. I arrived to her house and sat outside for 15 minutes scared to see the pictures and to see her. Was I changed? Again, what was she expecting from me. I gently knocked on the door sort of hoping she wouldn't be home. She answered and had the envelop in her hand. We exchanged few words and she said I put some photos in the bag as well as the CD. She said be prepared to watch the video when your ready. I can't thank her enough for that. I was alone and chose to watch it by myself in Elijah's room. As the music began these words appeared on the screen:
A lifetime wish If I could have a lifetime wish,A dream that would come true, I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back; I know because I've tried and neither will a million tears, I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart and happy memories to but I never wanted memories I only wanted you.
The photos began and the tears streamed down my face. I have watched that DVD a million times and clicked open the photos on my desk top more times than I can count. And altough the pain is ever still so real these photos bring me back to that day with him that no one or no thing can. Time stops for me when I remember him and take the time to see his face.
Tina, I have not said it enough simply because no words will ever be able to share how my heart feels for you and for your family. Your selfless actions are to be emulated and my family will forever be thankful for such a precious gift you've given us.
All my gratitude,
Ethan's Mommy
We were so excited as it began to settle in that week. My appointments were going well and at 16 weeks I had a ultrasound. At that appointment they noted a cyst or multiple cyst that they wanted to re-evaluate in 4 weeks. They also noted for Elijah that he was going to be a big brother to a baby boy! The technician typed on one picture, "Elijah, I'm a boy!" Elijah was so excited!! No one was concerned and the appointment was so "normal." At about 19 weeks I began to feel the little kicks of our sweet child. I was just starting to love being pregnant and I was loving the movement, what a peaceful feeling to know your child is alive and thriving inside of you. We were scheduled for that 20 week ultrasound and that time came far to quick. When I went for the appointment I brought Elijah. Kirk had to work and I really wanted Elijah to be able to be just as excited about Ethan as we were. Not that he wasn't but I thought the ultrasounds would make Ethan more "real" to Elijah. We began the ultrasound and there was a cold dark feeling that moved in the room. I can't explain it but I did go through X-Ray school and I know when things are good and when there not. She was so intense on his measurements, that was my first indication. Elijah kept asking questions and I remember trying to keep him still and quiet so I could try to read her monitor. She had moved it slightly so I couldn't. She knew exactly what she needed to do. She finished her job and left the room only to have the doctor walk in 2 minutes later. It felt like an hour - I just knew something was wrong. When the doctor came in, the nurse followed and said, I'm going to take Elijah for a walk. That is when my world crashed! As the door shut the tears came and I'll never forget her two hands grabbing mine. They were sincere, kind and full of compassion. She gently said, your baby stopped growing and there are few things that cause this. We'd like to do and amnio to try to help us figure out what's wrong. I couldn't do that with Elijah there so I asked if I could come back with my husband. We agreed I would come back that Thursday. So when my husband got home I shared all the terrible news. He was so angry! It was such a rough night. The following day we took Elijah to a pizza place to play and get out of the house. We had a good time playing and taking those both photo's. I will forever cherish those photos as there are few photos I have of being pregnant. When we got home I layed on the couch and Elijah and Kirk were on the love seat. I had a HUGE jump in my belly and kicked my leg up and off the couch. The kind of movement that a 8 month baby would make that startles you and you jump. I knew in that instant that he was gone but was in denial. How could such a small baby make such a impact. That was God's way of saying I've got his hands in mine and I want you to never forget the night I took him HOME.
The next morning we dropped off Elijah and went for our early appointment. Prior to our ultrasound and amnio we were scheduled for genetic counseling. We finished that and went into the same room that I had just been in two days prior. The counseling was intense and let us to believe our son would not survive and if he did he could have one or multiple disabilities and would most likely not live long. My world was crumbling infront of me and I could do nothing to stop it. I had no idea it could get worse until I layed on that bed. The doctor put the doppler on my belly and it was in an instant that I could see there was no blood flow. I began to shake as the same doctor turned the machine off quickly and held my hand the same way just two days before. Kirk had no idea until just a moment later my cries pierced the still room. She said, I'm so sorry and then stepped out of the room saying she'll be back after a few minutes. My cries, oh my cries, never in my life have I ever felt such pain and despair. I remember holding Kirk and just screaming NO, NO, NO he's dead, he's dead, my baby he's dead. It all happened so quickly in moments the Labor and Delivery doctors were in our room telling us we needed to go home and make arrangements for Elijah and come back. They shared how this would all happen. I couldn't believe I had to give birth to Ethan. That through all the pain a Mother has to endure, how cruel to have to give birth to a still born child. I was in shock, call me nieve I had no idea how this was all going to happen. So we went home and got Elijah and our dog over to our neighbors. We went back and by 4:30 that afternoon I was starting the process of being induced. The even quickly moved along - our pastor arrived with a basket of purple flowers and prayed with us. We made a few phone calls to family and close friends and sat there most of the night in pain, sadness and despair. Our nurse came in and talked with us about many things but one thing she was so sincere about was the NILMDTS brouchure. She shared the organization with us. My husband quickly said no thank you and she said, ok, I'll just leave this here. Maybe you can take a look at it. I really think having photos will help you heal. He again said, no thank you. As the night progressed I had looked over at the brochure more than once. I finally picked it up and began to look at the photos. My heart broke knowing these precious children were no longer with there families and here I was denying myself of perserving this memory of one of the greatest loves of my life. So I said, Babe, I want to take photos. Kirk said, really? I said, yes I can't imagine not having this day to look back on. So he called for the nurse and said ok, we want to have a photographer come.
By 8am I was almost fully dialated and had no idea how truly painful this would be. It had been over 16 hours since the doctors had started to induce me and I was emotionally, mentally, and physically drained beyond definition. I gave birth and I'll never forget the doctor asking from across the room - are you ready to hold your son. I felt a lump in my throat as I tried to say YES, but couldn't. I just looked at him in fright. I was so scared. He gently walked toward me. Ethan was so little and very discolored. I was scared to look at him, I was scared to hold him. I couldn't believe it was him. That I had given birth to my child and this was it. This moment in time that will quickly fade. After a few moments of holding him the fear and fright vanished all I could do was think I don't want this to end. I kissed him, I cradled him and I found myself not wanting to share him with even Kirk. We talked about how much he looked like his daddy. He even had is daddy's skinny calfs. Another think I'll never forget Kirk saying is, Linda look at his hands they are open, you can tell he was at peace when he passed. His hands are not tight in a fist. We marveled at his grace and beauty as long as we could.
Tina arrived later that morning. When the nurse came in to tell us she was there I was frightened. What will this person think. Are they looking at me completely numb and wondering why I'm not crying right now. There were so many emotions. But she came in and in an instant I saw her compasion, her love and her desire to give us the greatest gift one person on earth could give. I knew when she was done we would need to leave. She finished her session and gave us her card. She said she would be in touch as soon as she was done but if we needed the pictures sooner to call her. After Tina left the room we began our walk of shame. I'll never forget the shame and guilt I felt as I tried to walk away from my son and out of the hospital. The questions of what could I have done began but over this year this web site has taught me more than I could have ever taught myself. Today I am a stronger person because of Ethan. He draws me to God and allows me to seek His will for my life. If Ethan so willing lifted his hands to heaven than I too shall seek my God and lift my hands to heaven too:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16
When the photo's and CD was done she called and we made arrangements to meet at her home. I arrived to her house and sat outside for 15 minutes scared to see the pictures and to see her. Was I changed? Again, what was she expecting from me. I gently knocked on the door sort of hoping she wouldn't be home. She answered and had the envelop in her hand. We exchanged few words and she said I put some photos in the bag as well as the CD. She said be prepared to watch the video when your ready. I can't thank her enough for that. I was alone and chose to watch it by myself in Elijah's room. As the music began these words appeared on the screen:
A lifetime wish If I could have a lifetime wish,A dream that would come true, I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back; I know because I've tried and neither will a million tears, I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart and happy memories to but I never wanted memories I only wanted you.
The photos began and the tears streamed down my face. I have watched that DVD a million times and clicked open the photos on my desk top more times than I can count. And altough the pain is ever still so real these photos bring me back to that day with him that no one or no thing can. Time stops for me when I remember him and take the time to see his face.
Tina, I have not said it enough simply because no words will ever be able to share how my heart feels for you and for your family. Your selfless actions are to be emulated and my family will forever be thankful for such a precious gift you've given us.
All my gratitude,
Ethan's Mommy