Lost

[Cathy]

Hi
My name is Cathy and I live in Hauppauge, New York. I have 2 boys Robert 7, Joseph 6 and 2 girls Taylor 3 and Torian my angel baby still born on July 3rd. I was just 37 weeks pregnant and went to the hospital scared becuase I could not remember the last time I felt her move. My world came crashing down when they could not find her heart beat. After lying in the hospital all night on petosin I was given a c-section the next morning. The past 3 weeks as of tomorrow has been a blur I cant stop crying. The nurses where wonderful in the hospital I was able to spend the entire day with my baby. They asked me if I wanted to have a photographer come and take pictures of her and I said yes. The nicest man came and took pictures of me Torian and my husband. They are the most beautiful pictures I could have asked for. The Dr.said that the cord was around her neck three times. I just keep thinking that I should have known that something was wrong. this was my 4th baby and I just should have known.
I started looking at this site through the photographers email and I think it is wonderful that there is something like this for people in this situation. I would have never thought to do these pictures if the nurse didnt know about it.
I am just so sad all the time and thought that I could use a little encoragment from others that this has happened to
Thanks for listening
Cathy

[Kirk Kief]

While I have not experinced the loss of a child, I can tell you that my heart breaks for you, and my prayers are with you, your children, your family, and your Angel.
You will find a lot of support and compassion here. I'm going to move your story, to a different area on the forum. I think you will receive a lot more responses if I move this to the 'My Story' section.
If there is anything I can do for you as far as working within the forum, please let me know.
Thank you for opening your heart to us and sharing your story.

[Lindzy Foster]

Cathy,

I want to thank you for sharing your sweet Torian's story with us...her name is beautiful as im sure she is....is there a special meaning behind her name? I am so sorry for your loss, my heart aches everytime a new parent enters our forum knowing the pain they are feeling...but know you are welcome here with open arms, we will be here to listen anytime of day...our daughter Kaydence Hope's 6 month heaven day is on the 28th of this month, she was 9 days old when she passed from complications after surgery for congenital heart defects.....my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, sending you lots of hugs....
Lindzy

[linda]

Cathy,

I too hate to see a new friend enter our forum but know without a doubt that if you stay with us over time you will find answers to the hardest questions that will come your way. Like why is infant death not discussed, why do family and friends want you to silence yourself and so on. To more sensitive questions like how to I make her a part of our family so that we always remember and never forget her. I found healing, hope and found how to honor Ethan here. I pray you will too, welcome to our HOME. I'm thinking of you and praying you'll be blessed today.

[Cathy]

Thank you all for being so kind. I never knew there where so many hearts torn out line mine was 3 weeks ago today. I miss her so much. I picked her name Torian becuase "you may think I am crazy" but after trying to think of a name I realized that my other 3 children all have 6 letters in there name "I never planed that" and my 1st daughters name is Taylor and I wanted something to go with that and my middle name is Ann so I started thinking and came up with Torian and her middle name is Catherine after me. Torieann is in al the baby name books so I altered it a little. I had her name for about 3-4 months already but never told anyone but my husband and he was sworn to keep it a secret. I figured everyone knew that she was a girl we had to have some surprise.
Cathy

[Tina Gunn]

While I have never had a loss like yours. I know you are in the right place to have your questions answered. When you wonder if what you feel is normal look through the forum you will find someone that felt the same way you did. I am so thankful you joined I know it will bless you and the women and men on the forum will be here for you.

[Cathy]

I woke up at 5:30am and have not stopped crying. Today is my due date for Torian and it hurts so bad that I am never goiing to be able to hold her again. I told my husband last night I feel like I am out of my skin like I am watching myself from outside of my body. My kids keep me busy but I feel bad for them too because I know that I have no patients for them and I dont want to take out my frustrations on them. I found a support group in my area and left a message for the person who runs it but have not heard back yet. I am not sure if they even have there meeting in the summer. Its going to be a bad day and it helps to write and to see all of you respond knowing that you know what I am feeling.
Thanks for listening
Cathy

[Tina Gunn]

Cathy,
We have lots of parent coordinators who I know would help:
http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=1207
Call one of them I personally know Linda, Lindzy and Brooke all of which I know have good listening ears.
Tina

[Rita D. Conners]

Hi Cathy, welcome. I am so sorry to hear about your huge loss. Know that you have an angel looking over you. We won't understand why bad things happen to good people until we meet our maker someday. You and your family are in my prayers. I'm glad you are seeking a support group.
Sincerely and with love,

[Lindzy Foster]

Cathy you are welcome to call anytime, i understand completely how you say your kids keep you busy but you feel bad because cant give them your full attention or are short on patience...that is all normal....the first few months i think i was on auto-pilot, doing what i knew i needed to do to keep my family and household running....if you have family or friends that are willing to help please let them do so, if someone asks if theres anything they can do tell them, i know for me it was so hard to ask for help im just that way but it really can relieve some of the stress and tension to have someone come over and take care of some cleaning or laundry or cooking up some meals because your mind and thoughts are a mess and you just forget or dont have the energy to do those things....and when your having a really bad day like this its ok to sit down with your children and tell them you are sad, they wont understand completely but the older two can understand the sadness..and im sure your 3 year old will want to give you hugs....our kids are very close in age, mine are 7, 5, and almost 3 and then Kaydence who would have been 6 mths on the 19th....on bad days my children and i sit down and look thru her photos and things and i tell them about her and we talk about how its ok to cry when you miss someone you love, but that she's in Heaven and we will all see her again some day....
Which support group are you looking into? that is great that you are willing to start that, the first few times are very hard going and telling your story but if you can find one that is for child loss the people are so wonderful and supportive....it has helped us so much....im thinking of and praying for you to find some peace and comfort from your angel Torian today....

[Cathy]

Lindzy thank you so much
I try to keep going but it is really hard.
I just dont have words sometimes to describe how I am feeling all I can say is that I feel so sad.
Cathy

[Estrella]

Cathy, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today. Praying for you and your family. Hoping you will find a smile today! Embracing you with a great big hug! I know how hard it is to keep going somedays, but somehow you will find the strength. Sometimes it is very hard to believe, but God would not give us more than we can handle. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to cry. It is very important to be open about your feelings. For the first couple of weeks after Anthony went to heaven, I was too quiet. I held everything in and tried to be strong. I told myself and others I was ok. That was probably the worst thing I could have done, eventually I blew up. I feel so much better now that I am not scared to talk with anyone...even if they don't want to listen! What I'm saying is that I am very glad you are here, we will share your pain. I love the story behind Torian's name, she is beautiful! Precious Angel Torian, Shine down bright on your mommy, show her your blessings!

God Bless!

[linda]

Cathy,

I know far to well that overwelming pain of wanting to just stop and stay in bed and cry all day. But when you have to keep going for your other children you don't have the time you need. I will say sometimes the distraction helps other times it doesn't. Stick with us, share the ups and downs and when you need to vent or even laugh about something were here for you. I read old threads of mine and wonder "am I clinically insane?" The truth is we'll live life through the good and bad of being parents of missing angels and there are no books out there with the answer to that. All we can do is get through each mile stone, today, tomorrow, next week and next year. Thinking of you and praying today was an ok day for ya. A friend of mine in CO goes to a MISS Foundation meeting here. Maybe you can see if there is one there. I know she says that really helps. She was in a Mommy and Me class before she lost her daughter but afterward didn't want to go back. So when she found this meeting she started doing things with these other moms and that has really helped. I'll pray you find a group of women there you can relate to and share your life with.

[Lyssa Sauer]

Cathy
Like Lindzy said your patience being short with your other children, totally normal. On th 4th will be 6 months for me to have seen my child come into this world and 12 days later become my angel, and I still have days with my children. If you have family or close friends let them take your children, your children need out too. This is a lot for them to take in as well, that was something I learned. I let my kids go play with cousin go have sleep overs at friends it will help you your husband and kids. My prayers are with you as your journey is still very new...Welcome to this wonderful place of new family. Lyssa

[Cathy]

Yesterday was hard but I think it could have been worse. My husband left work early and we got out of the house for a while. It seems to help when I am not home.
Before that I got a call from a retired nurse that my church deals with for berevment. She made me feel better in some ways and worse in others. First let me tell you that I think I know exactlly when my baby girl died it was sunday and she went totally crazy kicking for 2 seconds I rubbed my belly and she calmed down. I didnt think anything at the time because she was so active but after I started thinking and told the Dr and he said that that was nothing and I could not have known that it happenes is a second and it dosnt happen like that. When this women called me yesterday she asked what happened and I told her the cord she said that the babies get a pannic and then I told her what happened Sunday and she said that was it thats when it happened. I really wish she wouldnnot have said that to me even though in my heart I think I already knew. It just makes it real. She just sounded so clinical like "Yep that was it" Like it didnt mean anything. I cant get it out of my head that moment . I keep thinking if I would have went to the hospital Saturday or Sunday morning that she would still be with me. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
I miss my baby girl Torian so bad my body hurts.
Cathy

[Rita D. Conners]

Hi Cathy, your story breaks my heart. I can understand how you keep going over the last moments of feeling Torian moving inside you. We all do this when we are searching for answers. Please stop beating yourself up with the What If's. If you had a clue of what was going on, you would have done something about it. However, you did not. I had a miscarriage with my fourth child. It never occurred to me that something like that would ever happen to me. I was so naive and ignorant, and took being pregnant for granted. After all, he was my fourth child. I was a pro at this now. Nothing went wrong with my three other children. Why would it now? If I had known that this life inside me was in danger, I would have taken all precautions possible. I had so much love for my unborn son. We couldn't wait for him to be born so we could hold him and just love him more. Something good did come out of it though. It enabled me to be able to relate to and embrace people who go through a loss of their infant. People who haven't experienced such a loss do not always know what to say or how to act. They say stupid things like, it was God's will. The nurse in your church was cold and insensitive. She didn't relate to what you are going through. She is just dealing with you as another patient. Another case. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
With love,

[Cheryl Haggard]

I got a call from a retired nurse that my church deals with for berevment. She made me feel better in some ways and worse in others.

Cathy, I think you should tell this nurse that deals with bereavement, exactly how she made you feel better, and how she made you feel worse. This is important for you and your daughter to educate others, so that this nurse may think twice before making comments to 'hurt' another bereaved parent.



She just sounded so clinical like "Yep that was it" Like it didnt mean anything.

[Estrella]

Cathy, I agree with Cheryl, you should tell this nurse how she made you feel. I for one, feel a little better when I tell people how hurtful their words are or how great they make me feel. I think educating the world, is a great way to honor our children. People just do not know, I used to be one of those people. And now I am learning the hard way. I think we have all went over the "What-ifs" more than once, I still do. How can we not? But please try not to be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are normal, take them and learn from them, one moment at a time. I have found that keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings helps a little to get them out of my head. I hope you are having an alright day...praying for you.

[jaiew]

hi cathy your little one is beautiful. im so sorry for your loss and i too know the pain that cuts so deep. i lost my little man Carey what will be 3 months ago monday. dont keep beating yourself up with those thoughts because no one knows if that is what really happend at that moment. I attend MISS foundation meetings and it really helps. i like it because im in a room where i can talk about Carey all i want and everyone else there knows and understands my pain. and more importantly they want to know about Carey and they ask questions about him, when a lot of other people wont speak his name. something to also remember when your having a really tough moment, she is up there watching over you, and dont be affraid to ask her to help you through those times. i feel that our angels are always there to pick us up when we need it most.

[Michele Heitner-Brabender]

Cathy, my heart breaks for you--it really does. I also think you need to educate this nurse as well as anyone who's referring grieving parents to her; perhaps you could write a little note or letter as I can imagine it might be a difficult thing to say face-to-face or over the phone.

But that was a completely insensitive and innappropriate thing for her to say to you. I'm so sorry she made you feel worse and made you doubt yourself and feel guilty. There is nothing you could have done differently so please don't blame yourself.

[Lindzy Foster]

i agree with everyone else i think letting the nurse know both the good and bad of what she said will be helpful, not only to her in dealing with bereaved parents but also to you, it would most likely help you feel a little better to get it off your chest so to speak in letting her know how much it hurt and is bothering you....after Kaydence died we had an autopsy done on her heart and lungs and we had to meet with the surgeon who had done all her open heart surgeries to go over it....the day she passed there were alot of things done and said by some of the staff and surgeon himself that bothered me but at the time my head was not clear enough to say anything to them...so when we had this meeting with him i made sure to speak up and give advice on things tht had been helpful to us and things that hadnt, and some suggestions that i have heard from other bereaved parents....at first i think he was in shock that i had brought all of it up but then he asked me if i would submit all of my suggestions and comments to the hospital bereavement board so that things could be worked on with all the staff....and it made me feel so much better to get that out there and let him and them know how we felt....i hope and pray that your angel Torian sends you some peace and angel kisses...
Lindzy

[Cathy]

I think the next time I speak to her I will say something I am not sure if I will be able to it is so hard to get words to come out if I am not writing. Its just easier to write at this time but I guess that talking will become easier too. everyone on this site is so helpful and supportive and that is really getting through this. My friends and family are trying I know they are they just have no idea what this is like for me. Thats why it is nice to be here and know that you guys have been throught his and your words do help. I did find out that they are having a support group meeting next Friday so I am planning on going.
Thanks evryone
Cathy

[rjclark]

First, I am so sorry for your loss. The pain of losing Torian is enough, without having to deal with those who are trying to help, not being able to cope with their own issues!

Coming from the other side of the fence, (I am a nurse) I can see why you were told one thing from the doctor, and another from a nurse who thought she was trying to help... As you have already determined, the large movements ending in calm may or may not have been Torian's last moments. There is really no way to know for sure. I believe that the nurse who assured your beliefs so matter of factly, thought that she may be helping you, because one of the difficulties of losing a baby is the uncertainty of when, or why.

As health care providers, many people have difficulty showing the compassion that motivated us to go into the profession in the first place. If we have our own issues, it is nearly impossible to show the understanding that is necessary at such difficult times. This is a wonderful place to get the compassion and understanding you need.

It is important to tell people, professionals or not, if they have said something that is not helpful, if you can do it in an understanding way. Death, much less the death of a baby, is not something that today's society knows how to deal with. We have come to the belief that the miracle of modern medicine can fix just about anything (NOT TRUE). We do not know what to say, and we desperately want to help.

In your good moments, take the time to tell people what is real and what is not. That you miss Torian. That your arms hurt from not having her in them. That the only thing that would stop the pain right now is having her with you.

My God accepts babies, and My God does not give miracles on demand. Try to take the hurtful things that people say with good intentions as the good intentions and when you are capable, work with them to show them why it wasn't helpful.

Renee

[linda]

Cathy,
Sorry I didn't see this until today but yes please call any time. If you want to just talk about "anything" or if you just want to cry and know that someone on the other end feels and knows far to well the pain your heart feels.

Thinking of you, please call if you ever want to talk.

[Cathy]

I went to a support meeting on Friday night. I just sat there and cried the entire time. My husband shared our dtory with the others and I listened to all the other people tell there story. I think I was crting for us and more for them. There was one women there that needs all of our prayers today. I cant remember her name but she was 16 weeks pregnant with her 6th baby she only has 1 alive. The other five died. She found out on Wednesday that this baby was also dead. She was a mess and needs prayers if you all could just say a little something for her I know that God is listening.
As for me the support group helped me a little I think it was good to listen to other people and have pain for them instead of myself. I think I will go back it is only once a month. the people wheere so nice.
Thanks for listening
Cathy

[Estrella]

Cathy, that is wonderful that you went to a support group. I hope you do go back. I am praying for the women and angels that you mentioned, as well as for you...

Hugs, Estrella

[Lindzy Foster]

im so glad you went to a group Cathy, it has been so helpful to us...the first few times all i did was sit and cry thru the entire meeting as well, but thats ok, they completely understand.....thinking of you and precious Torian and praying for those families in your group...
Lindzy