Lost

[Cathy]

Hi
My name is Cathy and I live in Hauppauge, New York. I have 2 boys Robert 7, Joseph 6 and 2 girls Taylor 3 and Torian my angel baby still born on July 3rd. I was just 37 weeks pregnant and went to the hospital scared becuase I could not remember the last time I felt her move. My world came crashing down when they could not find her heart beat. After lying in the hospital all night on petosin I was given a c-section the next morning. The past 3 weeks as of tomorrow has been a blur I cant stop crying. The nurses where wonderful in the hospital I was able to spend the entire day with my baby. They asked me if I wanted to have a photographer come and take pictures of her and I said yes. The nicest man came and took pictures of me Torian and my husband. They are the most beautiful pictures I could have asked for. The Dr.said that the cord was around her neck three times. I just keep thinking that I should have known that something was wrong. this was my 4th baby and I just should have known.
I started looking at this site through the photographers email and I think it is wonderful that there is something like this for people in this situation. I would have never thought to do these pictures if the nurse didnt know about it.
I am just so sad all the time and thought that I could use a little encoragment from others that this has happened to
Thanks for listening
Cathy

[Lyssa Sauer]

Our stories here are all diffrent but our pain is so alike. I am so sorry to hear of your daughter. You are at the stage where you blame yourself and honey there is nothing you could have done. My son passed after being born for 12 days so I dont know what its like never to see your child alive, but I know the pain of loosing a child. My prayers are with as the next few weeks are gonna be a trying time. Not saying it get eaiser soon.
Cathy here you will find people that you can lean on in good times but truly in bad as well. You can write what you feel here and someone who has been there will be listening. I want to welcome you to this unique family here. Thanks for sharing your story and I am glad you found us. Lyssa

[Estrella]

Cathy, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your angel, Torian with us. My son was born still on June 3rd. I was 39 weeks pregnant when I went to the hospital in labor. My dreams were shattered when I arrived and Anthony's precious heart was no longer beating. We are all different, but I feel your pain. I am still having a very difficult time finding peace. I also ask myself how I could not have known something was wrong, my angel Anthony was my third child. I know my words are probably not very encouraging for you, this is still very new to me, also. I know your pain all to well. I just want you to know we are here for you, anytime. I have found great comfort being able to come here and share with so many people that unfortunately, know the pain. There is not anything anyone can say to make this pain go away, but we care. We are listening and we will cry with you. Our babies are all playing together and we are all grieving together. How are your other children? You and your family are in my prayers! Sending you lots of hugs! Keep your head up and talk to Torian often, she is listening!

[Cathy]

Thank you so much. It is heart breaking to see all these stories of little babies that never got a chance at life. My kids are doing Ok I guess. They ask lots of questions and I try to answer them as best I can. My 7 year old is having the hartest time I think. He keeps asking to look at Torian's DVD that I got from the Photographer and then the tears come for him and then I start too. I called a women today that runs a support group for parents who have lost children but she was not in I left my name and number. I am just so sad all the time and getting myself moving thru the day is so hard.
Cathy

[Brooke]

Hi Cathy,

Welcome to our family here at NILMDTS. We regret that we have to welcome you here because we all know why you have joined us, but also glad you have found us. I hope that I along with everyone else here can bring you comfort during those really long hard days and bring you joy when you have really good days. The good days will come once again, but please allow yourself time to grieve and grieve in a way that that works for you. These first few weeks/months will be hard on you so please know that you can come here to vent and cry and we'll be here listening to you and lending what support we can. Take care of yourself and the rest of your family. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Love,
Brooke-Mommy to Carter, Ethan, & Angel Emma (10-10-06)

[chloe's mommy]

i am so sorry to hear what happened. i went through the smae thing almost i carried my daughter all nine months, she was a week late. i went in for a stress test and they could find a heartbeat. my world also came crashing down, after i had her the next morning i spent three days at the hospital with her. i also got picture taken of her. i cant say the pain will go away but it will lessen. tha is what i was told when i first join here. i hope it helps.

[Cathy]

I keep asking myself when I am going to feel better. Not that I want to it just takes so much energy from me that I feel paralized sometimes. Last night was a bad night for my I cried most of the time I dont think I slept more than an hour. I just miss my baby girl Torian so much. I just keep wanting to hold her. I had my other kids outside yesterday riding bikes and all I could think about was that she should be here in her carraige just with us. I know that you guys know how I am feeling. I cant talk to anyone in my family like this because thay just dont get it. My sister who I know is hurt by this too because she is like my kids second mother just keeps talking about how her kids miss Torian and what her kids say. You know what I feel bad for them because they lost a cousin but I just dont want to hear it. And did I mention that yesterday was my coudins babies christening. I didnt go but my entire family was there. I just feel sick to my stomach all the time.

[Estrella]

Happy two month Birthday Torian! I hope you and Anthony are celebrating together! Cathy, many hugs going your way...I am thinking of you...lol

[carissa13]

Cathy ~ so much pain in your words........... We all KNOW how you feel, we've all been in that place and we all go back and visit sometimes. The heartache never goes away, you will just learn how to live with that heartache. My sister is the only one from my family that will talk about Jarell, the rest are afraid to make me cry. We need to cry. I have found my support in this forum. The world does not understand what we feel everyday. I've walked away from a friend because she just don't get it. You will find a way to be alright, not every minute of every day but slowly you will have more minutes in your day where you are alright.
Sweet, beautiful Torian is blessed to be in Heaven, no pain of this world. You will have eternity to spend with her, God loves you both that much.
Someone on this forum said one time, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW "WHY" BUT WHEN WE'RE IN FRONT OF OUR CHILD WHEN WE GET TO HEAVEN WILL THE WHYS REALLY MATTER ANYMORE. (it did give me some comfort)
Hang in there, we are all here to listen. ~ Carissa

[Cathy]

Thanks you so much Estrella
you are the only one who remembered my baby girl today
Thats why this forum is the best place for me there are people who know how I feel and you guys just are there when I need you
Cathy

[Cathy]

carissa
Thank you too I know you are wright about when we get to heaven. I just whish I could hold my baby one more time.
Cathy

[carissa13]

Oh do I know that feeling all to well! I would do just about anything to hold Jarell, even if only for a moment. I often ask God to let Jarell come to me in my dreams and let me hold him. I think that it something we all wish for more than anything.
I hope you are doing alright.
Carissa