Lost grief.

[Mike Dolny]

Prior to the birth of my daughter Molly on March 14th, I found this site. I dove in and couldn't stay away. Until after she was born.
I felt there was so much to do to prepare for Molly's arrival, and I needed all the support I could get. After her birth (and death), I was in a rush to get it all together. The pictures, the slide show, the letters to our friends and families. I wanted to be on the forum to support the other parents, whose pain was as real as mine. I wanted to get involved with every aspect of the organization. I wanted to be an area coordinator, I contacted artists about use of songs for the site, (only getting one response, ironically, for the song I want to use for our slide show on the site).
Then I crashed! I pretty much abandoned the site.
In my heart, I know I need to be involved. I know that I could make a difference to families in my area, to get the word out and give back some of what I have been given by all of you incredible people.
But, it's been over a month since I've even watched our slide show. I'm feeling burnt out. I'm feeling as if I'm betraying my daughter. She was so strong, and gave us so much during her short life.
Things have not been easy for my wife either. She went back to school June 1st, doing her clinical rotations to become a Physician Assistant. Ironically, her last rotation before maternity leave was OB/GYN and her first rotation back was pediatrics. Outwardly, she handled it all pretty well. Although we had our plans together for her schooling and working toward buying a house, with everything delayed 6 months it's just another reminder every day that we had went through an incredible ordeal and that there is really something missing from our lives now.
Everything now seems to have happened so fast. It is apparent that so many people really don't know what to say, and have not said anything at all. But knowing that there are caring, loving, compassionate people out there when I need them is a great comfort, and gives me the hope that I will be able to get myself organized in my grief, and be able to give back, if in any small way.

[Kirk Kief]

I'm coming from a disadvantaged viewpoint. Actually, disadvantaged is not a good adjective, maybe something more along the lines of 'unexperienced'.
Anyway, I can understand your feeling as though you think you have betrayed your daughter. I think, though, in all of us here, that you have done far less than that. What you have done, is to allow yourself some private time. Some time for yourself. You will have the rest of your life to grieve for, and celebrate the time you had with your daughter. But, everyone needs some time for themselves. You need time to take a deep breath, back away from everything else, even your spouse, and just allow your true feelings to work their way through your system.
I actually believe that just the fact that you have been strong enough to come on here, among folks that maybe you've grown to know a bit, but, never met face to face, and express your feeling as you have is a major healing point for yourself, and your spouse, and the rest of your family.
The pain you are feeling will never go away completely, or magically. You'll always feel a loss, angry, alone in your feelings. Us guys are like that. We tend to hold things in. But, just talking about how you feel, not only among us, but with your wife as well, holds so much potential for you to begin feeling at least a little more comfortable in your grief.
If there is anything any of us can do for you, please do not hesitate. We are all here to at least listen and support.
My prayers are with you, and thank you for having the courage to post this.

[HAINAngel2000]

Mike, I agree with Kirk. I appreciate you coming on here and sharing your heart with us! Seeing a father's side is healing for me. Thank you! Mary

[Karla]

Mike,

It's ok to have all those feelings you have had. Grief is a very difficult journey, it's tiring and lonely, confusing at most times, so it's quite understanding that you feel burnt out, and the need to withdraw into yourself. Sometimes such withdrawal makes us reflect and gives us a new insight into things.

I am sorry that your wife had to face such a difficult rotation when she restarted school, She sounds very brave. Does she subscribe to the forum? It may be of great help to her.

Please know we are all here for you. I would recommend you read "no Mountain too High" by Ned Levitt.

Thinking of you and your family.
Karla

[Lindzy Foster]

Mike,
thank you for having the courage to share with us, i want to say you have not failed Molly, i too jumped right in and volunteered to start NILMDTS in my area after Kaydence's death, i want to help others i want to reach out to them, but then the last few months i havent been as motivated...i still very much want to start offering services at my local hospitals but i am moving at a much slower pace as most of the numbness has worn off and the deeper grieving set in....how are you doing at your job? i understand the being burnt out, as i am not working right now my husband has been the only one bringing in money to support us and he is active duty Air Force which means 16 hour days but in his case the night shift which has wreaked more havoc on our family....and he is very burnt out, i feel so guilty that i am not working but he has been supportive of that and i am looking for a parttime job....i know that like you he is so drained though, emotionally and physically, his health is horrible and i am so worried....please make sure that you take time to yourself, to take care of yourself, i know you want to be strong for your family but the best thing to help them is to help yourself first....please tell your wife im thinking of her, going back had to be very difficult....thinking of you also Mike and praying for you and your family....
Lindzy

[Kerry]

It is great to hear from you.. Dont feel bad we all can only do so much tell we get burnt out. I think your family has done well hanging on where you can and trying to better yourself. I would have to say with your wife she is probably learning alot more now then she ever did before. I find it interesting now after two years have gone by since my twin daughter has passed how more and more people I am in common with. Or other mysteries what has happened to other families. Dont feel bad taking a break when your ready we will wait for you.
I want to be a parent coordinator so bad I think I would do well. I have a silly thing with work. My boss is a Master photographer in town and there are already two photographers in town that take the pictures for the forum. Competition is thick in this town so most photographers dont give info out to each other do for someone is spying what they are doing to get customers. In customer world sounds stupid but in photography world I understand his point with digital camera people just dont pay the prices to have professional pictures. In some ways I am angry when I lost my baby he didnt just dive in and take pictures for me or at the funeral take some. I has worked there for 11 years I would think you would just take over and do it. The other assistant was pregnant at the time and I couldnt ask her. I see everyone with Blogs on here or slideshows and think how awesome to have and go back whenever you want and show or view for yoursefl or your family. I am so jealous. So to make this long I am still angry he didnt give me the service I should of had. Angry with myself why didnt I just pick up my own camera. I am embarresed to ask him to do the services for others for fear I might yell at him for cheating me out on something good. Nurses did take some like 5 pictures there ok but all blown out. My boss did make a digital composite and did the best he could to retouch it for me to display at the funeral but could only have a 8x10 since the files were so small. I am thinking about just taking pictures of what I have of her stuff like blankets and foot prints and little memory things to make of my own, I think I will feel better I was able to make a memory item of my own. You did a way better way of venting I came off as a baby but I need more time to ask to have him give out services. I hope to go to the meeting next year in Denver and if I bring it up that I am going maybe he will just say he would be honored to do what he can. Wishful Thinking....
Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah and Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory
PS Thanks for letting us know how your doing and great getting to meet you before on the forum keep us posted how your family is doing. I like hearing from a man's side how they deal with it. My husband is not a big talker but he likes to take things out to the cemetary and make sure the weeds are all pulled. His way of taking care of her still.

[linda]

Mike,

Do what you can, when you can. Allow yourself the time and distance when it's needed. I'm not here "always" and I never feel bad when I'm gone. I need it sometimes as do you. And remember we'll be right here to read you BACK!

I'm thinking of you and praying for you!!

[Estrella]

Mike, I do not think that you abandoned this site. You took time for yourself, to reflect and grieve. This is something all of us have to do. I haven't quite gotten to that point...I still can't stand to be alone. I would be lost without this site. I am so glad you are able to share your feelings with all of us...I look forward to hearing more. Thinking of you, praying for you, hurting with you...

God Bless, Estrella

[Sarah O'Neal]

I also had to take a step back. It was just so gut wrenching for me to see that everyday, someone else is in "our club" that nobody wants to belong to. Now the kids are back in school, I am alone again and guess what.... the site is still here. Noone forgot about me, and noone will forget about you. Good luck to you both, and it really truly has not been that long since March.

Peace.