My Journey with Jarell

[carissa13]

I have never told my story and since all of you are usually the only ones that want to hear it I thought I was ready to share.I found out I was pregnant and my boyfriend and I were thrilled. We never "thought" anything was going to go wrong but in not so many more weeks our dreams would come crashing down.We were going to my 20 week ultrasound and we brought my 14 year old daughter with us. We had been waiting with great anticipation for this day. In the back of my mind I "knew" if anything was wrong with our baby we would find out and I was a little scared but never shared that with anyone. There was no amniotic fluid around our baby so I knew in seconds that something was very wrong. But have to admit none of knew no amniotic fluid was a death sentence for our baby. We went there that day with bets on if the baby was a boy or a girl, not if our baby was going to live or die.So as you can all imagine we were devestated, confused, in denial, scared, lost, angry, devestated, confused, in denial, scared, lost, angry........... we went through the cycle over and over again because we did not know which emotion fit out situation.More ultrasounds the next day at a high risk clinic told us more of the story, our baby's kidneys were no longer working and they believed he had a diaphramtic hernia. I am from the medical field so I figured the hernia was the least of our worries, it was the non-functioning kidneys that scared me. We were told that no amniotic fluid meant our baby's lungs would not develop because the fluid is what creates lung development, we were told our baby is going to die. It was January 26, 2007, I will never forget that day, they told us we could induce labor and end the pregnancy within 10 minutes of them telling us our baby was going to die at birth, if he made it to birth, which they told us may very well not happen.We were in shock and they were giving us options that we could not even obsorb at that moment. We were angry and had to leave before one more person said the wrong thing to us. We needed time to let it sink in to our hearts.Two weeks later we went back, everything was the same except we were not the same, we were truly heartbroken but held strong to our faith in God and said we were going to continue the pregnancy dispite what they told us. We ended up with a great doctor who took great care in taking care of us for the next 17 weeks.I asked this doctor to do an amnio-infusion because I wanted a better ultrasound and I wanted to know if I was having a boy or girl. She did it because she knew it was what I wanted. It was a success, the fluid was in and that is when we found out Jarell was in there having a great time in his new found space. He was moving and grooving inside my belly, the whole room (5 people) were pretty much cheering him on. I remember feeling so good that these people that do not know us, were so happy for us, to just see our baby move and get a better ultrasound meant the world to us. The results were the same but we got to name our baby and no one there could understand that our short time with our son would mean more because he had a name.My boyfriend and I work for the same organization so everyone at work knew we were having a baby. Everyone was asking about the ultrasound, they wanted to know if we were having a boy or a girl, all we could tell them is we could not find out. We were heartbroken but stood strong in each other and acted like nothing was wrong. I was one of 7 women all pregnant at the same time so it was very hard for me to listen to them talk about there healthy babys but still I did not skip a beat since this was my only time with Jarell, I did my best to never feel sorry for myself and just try to enjoy the gift God gave to me if only for that moment.I was told about NILMDTS and I found out what it was all about and started preparing myself. I found a great photographer who took maternity pictures for us and took time to get to know us during this difficult time. God brought her to us, that I am sure. My boyfriend did not understand how I could make all the plans, find the perfect outfit and even find just the right funeral home. He thought I was "preparing" but I was just trying to keep myself busy so I myself would not die of the heart the was falling to pieces each day I got closer to giving my son back to God.I was going to be induced on May 21 to ensure Jarell was not to big because he was breech and we planned a normal delivery. (It goes against medical ethics to do a c-section on a women when it is known her baby is going to die) I was told that simple statement and was very pi**ed and told them that if I could give my son 5 minutes of life by having a c-section I would do it without thinking twice. I had guilt over picking his birth date because we knew that would also be his Heaven Date but we had to make a decision. My sweet boy knew I was feeling guilt and he did not let us choose his birth date, he picked it himself and came on May 17, he knew it would be better that way.We were so excited to meet our son, I had always prayed that I would be so happy if he could make it till birth, open his eyes and give me at least 5 minutes. And I did get what I prayed for so many nights, he was born alive, he did open his eyes, he gave us some squeeks and his heart did not stop beating for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I have to be thankful because God did answer my prayers. To see my son open his eyes filled me with so much joy but due to not enough lung development he struggled to breath. We had made the decision to let him go when he was ready and my heart broke to see him struggle. I remember laying there with him in my arms......... telling him he did not have to hold on anymore, he could go to God, mommy and daddy will be alright. Jarell held on until his daddy got to hold him, he took his last breath and God came down and took him home.I have had so many emotions and cried way more tears then I ever knew I had in me. I've been angry, I've been depressed, I've been what I thought was okay, I've been confused at why everyone around me got to have a healthy baby except me. I even wondered if God was punishing me for something I had done.My boyfriend and I know that "God makes no mistakes" and when we are sad we always remember that Jarell is safe in the arms of God and we will have eternity with him someday. Myself, I am selfish and wanted to keep him here with me but I know I will have to learn to live with the heartache and wait till it's my turn to go to Heaven. For me, it's made death not so scary anymore, hope that doesn't sound to weird!Thanks for listening, I do feel better now, I think I can go outside and enjoy this beautiful day we are having after so many depressing days of rain. I thank God each to have all of you to help me through this because we all know the world does not understand. Carissa

[jaiew]

carissa, i dont know if you ever read Carey's story, forgive if you did and i forgot i honestly cant remember what i did an hour ago anymore. Carey also had a diaphagmatic hernia (sp). i too found out at our 20 week ultrasound. it was dec 26 and i kept telling everyone that it was going to be the best xmas present finding out if i was having a boy or girl. while i was waiting in the waiting room i couldnt help but think i was going to get bad news. i think moms just know. thank you for sharing your story i know that jarell and Carey are together helping each other as we help each other. we have 2 very special little boys.

[carissa13]

I have read Careys story before. I think I even signed your guest book. I have to admit I wanted to talk to you because it appeared our situation is very similar. At that time I was still pretty new to this forum and still a little scared to make someone sad. It took me to live it, let reality sink in to finally know that no matter how much I may cry, I love to talk about Jarell, even the times that were the roughest, it brings me peace and I'm finding out others want to talk about their children also.
When I was in the waiting room I seen one of the other pregnant women I work with and she was joking that she would be the first to know if we were having a boy or a girl. I remember feeling uneasy, so excited but something was telling me to stay in reality. We were all numb when we left there, this was not in our plans, was it real or just a horrible nightmare.
Thank you for your kind words about our special angels. It makes me sad to think there are so many more baby angels but comforted to know Jarell has plenty of friends to play with in Heaven.

[linda]

Carissa,

What a blessing to read your story. You were so strong and did things to honor Jarell even in the midst of all the heartache. I guess that's what we do when we feel our hearts could just stop beating. He is so beautiful and what memories to have those photos even the ones of you pregnant. If you ever want to share them. I would love to see them.

[jaiew]

I havent met manay people that were in our situation. carring a baby for 6 months wondering every minute of every day wether he was going to live or die. i feel blessed in a strange way that we did find out rather than not knowing and when he was delivered something going wrong and not knowing what was wrong. i know that from the moment that we found out we made every minute count, while he was in my belly and every second of those nine days we had. knowing the possibility of him dying was very real i just wanted to make sure that he knew that he was loved so much. i ask why all the time and the one thing i tell myself a lot is that i was given Carey because the man upstairs knew that no one else would love that little boy the way i and todd did. other people would have just thrown him away. i try and remember those little secrets that he and i had while i was still pregnant, the stories i would tell him and his first rainstorm when i opened the window and flooded the kitchen and just joking with him that his daddy would laughing at me. to me it was the worst six months, but to get those nine days with him i wouldnt trade it for the world, to have him back ya i would trade it for that. if you ever need to talk please call me 623-217-7130. I LOVE TO TALK ABOUT MY CAREY!!

[carissa13]

I to feel blessed that I knew, it was hard knowing but I was given the knowlege I needed to do the right thing. Yes, a lot of people would have and do end their pregnancys because some can not fathum carrying a baby that will die but Rick and I couldn't image doing it any other way. Jarell used to get the hiccups all the time and he used to kick me in the same spot (it was something just him and I shared with each other). Rick used to always uncover by belly, like Jarell could hear him better and he used to tell him storys. We both knew we much cherish every moment. Jarell was breech and he used to push up so his head would stick up and I used to rub his little head, I think he liked it!
That is a great way to think of your son, God did give him to you and Todd for a reason, we may not always understand but we must believe. Not everyone can have an Angel, I think we are all pretty special.
You are so blessed to have those 9 days! You had a strong little boy! I wish I could have had more time outside my body but I'm thankful for what I had. He could have died any time but he was stubborn and made it so he could see him mom and his dad. I miss him so much, I never knew my heart could hurt this bad.

[jaiew]

todd was like that too. he gets up at about 4 am so he would roll over and start talking to Carey which of course would wake him up and then he wouldnt go back to sleep for a couple hours. todd and i always joked that with the way he was jumping around so much he would probably be base jumping by the time he was ten. my other little secret was his name. my friend had a son cary and we just fell in love with it. but when it came to the spelling we couldnt decide i wanted Carey and todd was thinking of different ways. i have a very little crush on carey hart the motocross racer and tatoo guy from Ink in Las Vagas. I told Carey it would have to be a secret that that is why he got it spelled that way. i would tell everyone i wanted him to be somewhere in between cary grant and carey heart. i too miss him so much. i do pretty well when i tell myself i have to live for him now and i want him to be very proud of his mommy like i was of him. i have really bad days still but i get really down on myself when i just mope around because i always remind myself how strong my little man was and if i have a quarter of his strength i can get out of bed today, tomorrow and the next day. ya sometimes that doesnt really work and i just tell him i want to have a selfish mommy day.:) its nice to be able to talk with someone who understands what we went through for those 6 months. 4 months ago thurs. some days it feels like a lifetime ago and others i can see it like it was yesterday.

[Aurora]

Carissa thank you for sharing your beatuiful story I photographed a family just yesterday who knew their baby would not survived but pressed on for all the same reasons I have such a profound respect for the strength that it took you to go on and I am so happy for you that you were granted the opportunity to hear the voice of your child and see him look into your eyes, I can't help but get choked up hearing you talk about how you spoke to your son as it was similar yesterday, I am moved beyond words at the strength that a mothers love can give us sometimes.

big hugs to you and your boyfriend I'm sure Jarell is very proud of you.

[carissa13]

Thank you for your kind words............ most days I don't look at it as "strength", giving Jarell life was the only thing I knew how to do. I had 37 weeks of him growing inside of me and 1 hour and 15 minute outside of my body and I could never regret a minute of that. I could not end my sons heartbeat, that was up to God. I am thankful that I had that time with Jarell and I hope he is proud of me. He is my strong boy, he made it much longer than most thought he would last. I will always be selfish and want him to be here with me. There are so many things I miss.
I am so lost most days, not really knowing how to feel or how to deal with how I do feel. No one understands my heartache, not even my boyfriend, except the women on here. My boyfriend is hurt but not like I am, I am and always will be connected to Jarell.
I'm thankful to have my new found friends, wish it was for other reasons but I would be a lot worse off without all of you. Thanks for always listening. Carissa

[Aurora]

carissa,
I don't know what to say about your boyfriend does he have any children of his own? I lost a pregnancy once at 12 weeks I do not think my husband took it as hard as I did at the time but I think after our first child was born he felt differently about our prior loss. I'm sorry you've met so many unsupportive people you deserve to have lots and lots of love for you and your sweet angel boy, no one deserves to loose a child. I'm sorry the others in your life don't seem to be supporting you in the way you need them to right now I hope that they simply don't really understand what it is you want/need from them right now and that in time they will find a way to support you as you grieve and become a part of your healing process. **BIG HUGS**

[carissa13]

My boyfriend has two kids from a previous marriage and like I said I know he is hurt but he always tells me he is blessed because he knows our son is in Heaven (he can't be sad about that). He tells me it's different for men and women. I think he covers it up a lot. He lets me talk about Jarell a lot more lately. My family is great but don't live in town so they can only do so much, they will always listen to me talk about Jarell. It's really the people of the world and it's because they don't understand. But when you are hurt it's hard to give the world that much understanding. Most of the time I live with it but sometimes it just gets me down. Thanks for listening.

[Aurora]

Just a thought because what you said reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband sometime after the miscarriage - years in fact. I asked him why he didn't talk about it seemed like it wasn't so important to him did he ever think about it etc. What he told me that day when I asked him kind of floored me, what he said was that I was so broken hearted he felt it was his job to be the strong one so that I could feel free to "loose it" because I would have him to lean on. I don't think he knew then that I probably could have used someone to greive with me more than be strong for me perhaps your boyfriend isn't only dealing with his grief differently than you, perhaps he feels in some way he's being strong FOR you?

Just a thought... and no need to thank me I'm happy to listen and if I can say anything that makes you feel any better or gives you some food for thought all the better, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, its not so much the giving them life or holding on to our children that requires strength, the real test of our strength no matter where in the journey and in what ways is always the letting go. You have given the most precious gift from yourself you told your son it was ok to go... that my dear was a selfless and wonderful gift I'm sure he cherished, it is in my mind the single most difficult gesture a parent could be asked to make. You struggle with your own feelings of love and loss and sadness, but when it really counted you gave of yourself you are a great mom =)