carissa13
08-25-2007, 01:41 PM
I have never told my story and since all of you are usually the only ones that want to hear it I thought I was ready to share.I found out I was pregnant and my boyfriend and I were thrilled. We never "thought" anything was going to go wrong but in not so many more weeks our dreams would come crashing down.We were going to my 20 week ultrasound and we brought my 14 year old daughter with us. We had been waiting with great anticipation for this day. In the back of my mind I "knew" if anything was wrong with our baby we would find out and I was a little scared but never shared that with anyone. There was no amniotic fluid around our baby so I knew in seconds that something was very wrong. But have to admit none of knew no amniotic fluid was a death sentence for our baby. We went there that day with bets on if the baby was a boy or a girl, not if our baby was going to live or die.So as you can all imagine we were devestated, confused, in denial, scared, lost, angry, devestated, confused, in denial, scared, lost, angry........... we went through the cycle over and over again because we did not know which emotion fit out situation. More ultrasounds the next day at a high risk clinic told us more of the story, our baby's kidneys were no longer working and they believed he had a diaphramtic hernia. I am from the medical field so I figured the hernia was the least of our worries, it was the non-functioning kidneys that scared me. We were told that no amniotic fluid meant our baby's lungs would not develop because the fluid is what creates lung development, we were told our baby is going to die. It was January 26, 2007, I will never forget that day, they told us we could induce labor and end the pregnancy within 10 minutes of them telling us our baby was going to die at birth, if he made it to birth, which they told us may very well not happen. We were in shock and they were giving us options that we could not even obsorb at that moment. We were angry and had to leave before one more person said the wrong thing to us. We needed time to let it sink in to our hearts.Two weeks later we went back, everything was the same except we were not the same, we were truly heartbroken but held strong to our faith in God and said we were going to continue the pregnancy dispite what they told us. We ended up with a great doctor who took great care in taking care of us for the next 17 weeks. I asked this doctor to do an amnio-infusion because I wanted a better ultrasound and I wanted to know if I was having a boy or girl. She did it because she knew it was what I wanted. It was a success, the fluid was in and that is when we found out Jarell was in there having a great time in his new found space. He was moving and grooving inside my belly, the whole room (5 people) were pretty much cheering him on. I remember feeling so good that these people that do not know us, were so happy for us, to just see our baby move and get a better ultrasound meant the world to us. The results were the same but we got to name our baby and no one there could understand that our short time with our son would mean more because he had a name.My boyfriend and I work for the same organization so everyone at work knew we were having a baby. Everyone was asking about the ultrasound, they wanted to know if we were having a boy or a girl, all we could tell them is we could not find out. We were heartbroken but stood strong in each other and acted like nothing was wrong. I was one of 7 women all pregnant at the same time so it was very hard for me to listen to them talk about there healthy babys but still I did not skip a beat since this was my only time with Jarell, I did my best to never feel sorry for myself and just try to enjoy the gift God gave to me if only for that moment.I was told about NILMDTS and I found out what it was all about and started preparing myself. I found a great photographer who took maternity pictures for us and took time to get to know us during this difficult time. God brought her to us, that I am sure. My boyfriend did not understand how I could make all the plans, find the perfect outfit and even find just the right funeral home. He thought I was "preparing" but I was just trying to keep myself busy so I myself would not die of the heart the was falling to pieces each day I got closer to giving my son back to God.I was going to be induced on May 21 to ensure Jarell was not to big because he was breech and we planned a normal delivery. (It goes against medical ethics to do a c-section on a women when it is known her baby is going to die) I was told that simple statement and was very pi**ed and told them that if I could give my son 5 minutes of life by having a c-section I would do it without thinking twice. I had guilt over picking his birth date because we knew that would also be his Heaven Date but we had to make a decision. My sweet boy knew I was feeling guilt and he did not let us choose his birth date, he picked it himself and came on May 17, he knew it would be better that way.We were so excited to meet our son, I had always prayed that I would be so happy if he could make it till birth, open his eyes and give me at least 5 minutes. And I did get what I prayed for so many nights, he was born alive, he did open his eyes, he gave us some squeeks and his heart did not stop beating for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I have to be thankful because God did answer my prayers. To see my son open his eyes filled me with so much joy but due to not enough lung development he struggled to breath. We had made the decision to let him go when he was ready and my heart broke to see him struggle. I remember laying there with him in my arms......... telling him he did not have to hold on anymore, he could go to God, mommy and daddy will be alright. Jarell held on until his daddy got to hold him, he took his last breath and God came down and took him home.I have had so many emotions and cried way more tears then I ever knew I had in me. I've been angry, I've been depressed, I've been what I thought was okay, I've been confused at why everyone around me got to have a healthy baby except me. I even wondered if God was punishing me for something I had done.My boyfriend and I know that "God makes no mistakes" and when we are sad we always remember that Jarell is safe in the arms of God and we will have eternity with him someday. Myself, I am selfish and wanted to keep him here with me but I know I will have to learn to live with the heartache and wait till it's my turn to go to Heaven. For me, it's made death not so scary anymore, hope that doesn't sound to weird!Thanks for listening, I do feel better now, I think I can go outside and enjoy this beautiful day we are having after so many depressing days of rain. I thank God each to have all of you to help me through this because we all know the world does not understand. Carissa